December Funk

I'm in a funk today.  Great way to start the beginning of the month.  Sigh.

I've been struggling with high blood pressure and the meds aren't bringing it down enough.  So I saw my NP - who I do like - and she gave me some new ones, that caused major back pain.  So now I need to call her tomorrow and ask her to give me some other ones.  I do see the specialist on Friday this week but I don't want to wait that long (6 days),  And I'm flaring a bit too - so that means a Methox injection.

I saw Dr Steve a few weeks ago and told him I suspected Epstein Barr Virus is active in me, he tested and I was right.  He gave me some homeopathic meds for it.  Still on it.

Then I decided to Dr Bob for chiropractic treatments.  I do like his treatments - he even adjusted my feet, so helpful.  His one thing tho is that he is very focused on HEALTH.  Health is number one to him.  So he does everything to keep himself healthy, and - I suspect - wants his clients to do what needs to be done to be healthy for them too.  In other words, as we talked, he explained that I needed to only eat those foods that were good and healing for my body, and to exercise etc.

Duh, yeah.  I've had 50 f*king years of trying to do this.  You seriously think you telling me this is going to change because you said so?  I was pleasant to him.  Been on that road before with doctors and know the speech/what to say.

As I drove home I thought about it. I realized the feeling of disappointment, expectations of others, and failure.  Knew I need to deal with this.  Just not sure how.

Yesterday I happened to go to Dianne's open house.  She has the Music store, that also sells gem stones, and she does healing.  I looked at her and boom - heard to ask her for a healing treatment on it.  I had kept thinking of Keegan and Tracey but neither felt right.  Going to see her on Wednesday.

This morning I was doing my meditating and thinking on it.  I floated into the thought about how it just has been from the beginning of my life.  ...... How even my mother has mentioned that my father would get angry if she would go and feed me.  Suddenly it dawned on me.

Mother comes home with a baby.  Baby cries, wanting to be fed and probably scared/ unsure of where she is.  Father becomes angry, jealous, envious and controlling of mother who wants to go feed the baby.  Father tells mother not to do it - he wants sex now and the baby can cry herself to sleep.  Father wants the attention.  Baby is left alone in a dark room, hungry, lonely, feeling unwanted/unloved, scared and wishing not to be around.  Baby wants attention too - that doesn't come for hours.

By the law of attraction belief - the baby has created her own feelings that she continues to call to her.  She doesn't want to be hungry - so she calls hunger to her.  She feels lonely, unwanted, unloved - so that continues to show up.  She wants attention, she wants food - so she eats and eats and gets lots of negative attention/focus of size and weight that comes to her.

Then there is another aspect of disappointment/failure/expectations that falls a bit into it too.  The feeling of not meeting the expectations of others leads to failure and such self disappointment.  Always trying to measure up - to have worth.  To do what others say to do.  Which in the end never works because the belief in others isn't the answer.  The answer is to align and focus on the connection with higher self - because that is where the answers are that are perfect and right for that person / for me.

Dr Bob can say drink smoothies for breakfast, Dr Steve can say eat fruit for breakfast, WW can say count your points for breakfast, low carb can say eat eggs and veggies for breakfast - no matter which I do it won't be right if I don't align with my higher self - who gives me the feeling of joy at eating apples and barley for breakfast.  Trying to please and do what someone else says - just ends up me running around in circles.  

It's just, I'm a bit lost as to believing I know the answers for myself.  That I can actually follow what I am lead to do and believe it is right.

I need to change those stories above.  I need to listen to my higher self and trust me.  I need to ...... I'm in a funk working this out.

I know I will make it thru this - I'm just praying and believing it will move me forward and that I won't have to go thru these repeated and repeated and repeated laws/lessons again!!