Nighttime Thoughts

The joys of waking up at like 2am and my brain starts motoring......  I write truly inspiring, fascinating, insightful stuff for my blog.  Yeah.  And then when I get out of bed, shower, feed everyone, walk the dog, do the laundry, get groceries, clean the poop (yes, that's something I have to do daily!) ... etc etc. I totally forget what I was going to write about and all those intense emotional written stories are long gone out of my head.

True, I could get up and start writing at 2am, but seriously, it's 2am!!!  I want to sleep.  Sleep eludes me often, so when I get it I try to get as much that night as I can.  Sadly that's all I remember I wanted to write!!  ha ha ha.  😜 

Onward.

I've been reading those books I ordered and mentioned before.  I finished The Stranger in the Woods.  Was about Christopher Knight, true story, enjoyable.

I started Thins No One will tell Fat girls by Jes Baker.  She writes the blog  http://www.themilitantbaker.com/   So far I have only read the intro and chapter 1.  She wrote about beautiful and pretty and that made me laugh as before I read that I was looking at myself in the mirror the last few weeks and thinking I missed the boat.  I feel like I never really got the beautiful place in looks.  Yes, there were times when, in my head, I thought I made beautiful or at least pretty as I was now 180 lbs, had my hair done, and finger nails polished.  I finally arrived.  Though at this point I don't know where I thought I arrived - other then now I was acceptable.

I have spent my life looking and trying to be acceptable.  Isn't that stupid!  (This will eventually go into the other book I started reading last night). 

I look in the mirror now and sigh.  My hair is thin, fine, very short (got it trimmed the other day as it was not doing anything and I hoped trimming would help.  Which it has, but it's very short again), lays flat and close to my head.  It's thinning a lot.  I have 2 semi-bald spots.  Front and back.  The colour, which I did the other week, is a nice brown and I got a box of highlighting that I will will do some point this week. But I still see myself as just unpretty.  As Jes writes we talk about how wonderful we are inside, which I know I am, but we don't accept the outside body look.  AJ keeps says I should go and have my nails done as it would make me happy.  And instead of me going to the store and buying fake nails, he says to go to the shop and have them professionally done.  I'm trying to feel worthy of doing that.  Isn't that stupid too?  Just go.

She writes on stats: and ten yr olds are more afraid of being fat then cancer, war or losing both their parents.  (Also) We commit suicide.  And sadly, there is case after case of this:  people who would rather die than live in the body the world has told them is inferior.   How sad, and for me how true.

I grew up believing the only way I would be acceptable was to be thin and beautiful.  Something I perceived I never achieved.  And now?  In some ways I feel it's too late.  I'm calmer on it and when I look in the mirror I do still see and hear flaws, but then I work at overriding those thoughts with more loving ones.  Not easy to believe.

Answers.....Not

Ok, it's getting to me a bit.  Like most people I find it easier to deal with things if I know what I'm dealing with!

That blood test I have to go in January 2018.  I totally get I have no idea what the result will be, and it could be nothing but normal.  It's best to live as it's 'normal'.  Yeah, I don't do that well.

I did email my RA doc, but not surprising, I have not heard anything.  Really, what is she going to say at this point other then she's just checking and don't worry about it.

So, off to see for guidance with Jacqui, since I was at the old place - nope no appointment available.
Anne-Marie, had an appointment this morning....she wasn't there, and I haven't heard back from her.
God - that's one of those - you're not in control, let me take care of it.
AJ is very patient and understands I'm semi-concerned and wanting some guidance, but really can't offer much in that department.

All I can do is wait.  And not think on it.  I try.

All of this makes me wonder what to eat.  How to eat.  Funny thing is THAT'S what I want the guidance on.  I know I can't do anything about the tests, but in the meantime I can do something about my foods.  Or maybe I don't need to do anything about my foods.  Per those books I'm reading.  But if I eat 'healthier' foods it might help?

The answer probably is just eat healthy and don't worry, be happy!

Visit

Ah, the old place.... Our old house looked harsh.  I know that sounds weird.  The house looked like it was just a house, missing the love.  It almost looked out of place.  Need something around it to bring our it's charm.  Seeing it, it wouldn't be a house I'd be drawn to, even though I'm the one who picked the colouring.  Makes me sad.  It was sad to see it.

Seeing the people tho was joyful.  Jax was happy to see his brother and semi-sister.  Anne was wonderful!  Miss her so much.  We walked for an hour and talked.  I hated leaving as I know we aren't going to walk for months.  Denise..... she was so good to see and she was the best on understanding my concerns about the cancer questions.  She's dealing with breast cancer.  (Jo-Anne, brother and semi-sister mother is dealing with bone cancer - she didn't say anything much and kinda just went back to talking about her trip).  Denise just listened - which was what I so wanted.  She shared some insights and didn't say anything about me not knowing yet and I shouldn't be thinking on it.  She was so good.  Anne was interested, but I know just to keep it on the factual topic.  Anne has similar RA issues and is on Methoxrate too.  

Pat and John - they made a nice dinner of mac and cheese with salad.  Which was fine. First I invited me and Jax, and second they don't have much money.  I brought dessert.  It  was more about seeing them.  

I really do miss these people and wish to be closer to them.  Walking around is excellent.  Walking here isn't the same of course, the roads aren't as safe and quiet as they are there.

Jax and I stayed at a Airbnb.  It was nice.  Very clean.  Very sparse.  But then, all I wanted was to go to bed.  The bed was a double, which is smaller then our king.  Jasper slept in the middle!!  He was scared of the edge so I got to sleep on the edge.  We left early.  Jax got to go to day care - they were happy to see him again, and he enjoyed playing.  I put him in Friday for 2 hours in the afternoon when I visited Carl and Marj - old neigbours.  Carl bakes. Marj is ill and I thought it would be better not to have Jax there.  Brought home treats.  They were good to see too.  Funny about them - I don't think we would have been as good friends as we were if it wasn't for all those times I kept running over to Carl and asking him questions.  I just wore him into a friendship. ha ha ha.  They like both AJ and I.  And of course Luci loves him!

Maureen took care of the cats.  They were well fed by the sounds of how often she came over.

I am glad we moved though.  I like this house.  It's bigger.  I like this community.  Everything is so much closer.  I miss the friends, but am slowly making new ones.  Or at least one.

AJ had fun playing poker with his brother and family.  They took good care of him, and fed him well.  He only lost $5.  

Otherwise, nothing much else happened.  I have been thinking on things, but that's for another post.  

It's In the Blood

I got a letter from my RA doctor yesterday.  The only thing in it was a blood work request.  Only thing on the blood work request was 3 written tests.  One of them was for Urine Bence Jones Protein CA.  Hummmm

No real surprise.  She's looking for cancer probably.  Multiple Myeloma or Lymphoma Cancer.   I was thinking of emailing her and asking what she was thinking, but I don't want to bother her......she would answer I know, I don't want to be confirmed I guess.  Blessing or curse of the internet.  Can look it up.  I do have some of the issues on the list.  And if it is that, I guess my life will take a new turn.  Losing weight won't be too much of an issue or focus.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I do kinda wish to talk to her about it.  But then again, maybe that's not what she is looking for.  Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me if that's what she wrote.  I love this doctor.... even if she didn't talk to me about it.  I know she would talk if I asked.  She is the only one that believed me years ago and trusted what I was saying.  Eventually she found markers on RA etc and has been so patient with me not wanting certain meds.  I wonder what I will do if.....

Went to bed at 730pm last night - I was exhausted.  I'm still doing my needles.  I'm hoping by Friday that I will feel better (usually start to) as I will be driving a lot - going to drop AJ off at his brother's place and then on to the old community.  Have it all planned out.  Took an AIrbnb room for Jax and myself for the night.  I am looking forward to it.  Will be a few days before I write again as I will be on the road etc.

Really not up to writing much else.  Still kinda tired, and just want to relax.  I'm not even able to read my books which is sad to me.  I want to start reading them.  I have spoken to Jerilyn and am scheduled to see her in January 2018 for talk. Took out a few of the Christmas stuff out to see what I want out.  I had a few things from my aunt which I decided to pack up and keep for my cousin's children (both are married)  I think they will like the memory of them.  I bought some new bulbs etc - dark almost black blue ones, and dark orangy gold ones - really like those colours.  Look forward to putting them up at some point.

😺

Craving Change

I started going to a class - 3 classes - on Tuesday about Craving Change in weight.  I have one more class coming up this Tuesday.  The class is interesting.  It was suggested by the NP and AJ encouraged me to go.  I'm glad I did.  Not that it's doing anything to motivate me to lose weight again.  I find it very amusing that I go early enough to go to Shopper Drug Mart, which is next door and I get a box of Milk Duds.  Yeah, Milk Duds.  I don't know why other then it's that physiological resentment of someone telling me I have to lose weight so I eat.  NOT that someone is telling me to lose weight.  And it's weird because I don't go over to Shoppers, which is close to the house, to get Milk Duds other times.  Milk Duds are only sold there.  They are one chocolate that I never tried until about 2 weeks before we left the old place and I popped into a gas station and saw them.

Back to the class... last class they mentioned about loving yourself at any size.  I spoke up about that and said if they had a course on that, I would come to it.  They then told me about a book called Health At Every Size.  I have ended up buying the book, I haven't gotten past page 3.  I will continue reading it.  I also decided I would talk to the one social worker running the course (along with a dietitian) to help me learn to love myself at every size.

I remember struggling with my size even when I was 180 lbs.  I still wanted to lose more wait - to get to 150 lbs.  I thought it was because I always believed I was to be that weight, 150 lbs.  Now I'm realizing it might not have been enough as I couldn't be happy at 180 lbs.  So, I think I need to look at loving my size and reading the book isn't just going to work, there is a bit of therapy needed.  I do have an appointment for some reiki, and then another appointment with Ann Marie to ask questions on the weight/loving/size etc.

Ah the joys of all of this........

What about Us

I grew up believing in God.  As I grew my understanding of God changed, but I have always believed in God without any doubt.  I knew God loved and wanted me.

When I got involved with AA I learnt more about my feelings and belief in God.  One thing that really grew stronger was how much I knew God loved me and how much I could depend / trust / believe in God.  I could stand on my head in complete trust in God.  I spoke beyond strongly on my belief and trust in God.  Being Lutheran there was/is Jesus and Holy Spirit too.

Towards the end of AA - as in me continuing going - I felt a bit lost from God and lacking in spiritual insights or connection so I went to a retired Priest to ask for guidance.  Sounds like a good idea right?  I mean, it's a Priest, it's about God, it's about connecting with God.

I said I felt a bit lost from God, a longing to be more connected with God, to feel the Holy Spirit more.  His response:  Who are you to think that God wants to connect with you?  You are just to love God and not want more.  God can decide if God wants to be with you.  You are not to ask or want God.  I crumpled.  I was stunned.  I was heart broken.  I was abandoned. 

There are no words to explain how I felt when he talked.  There were no words to explain my feelings.  I didn't know if I should just get up and leave as there was no point anymore - God didn't want me.  The Priest continued but I didn't hear too much after that.  He did eventually stop talking and I asked a few more questions - which I don't remember as all I was trying to figure out was how to leave.  Don't know why I thought I needed to continue to be polite.

I did leave of course.  Soon after I slowly stopped going to meetings too.  I just couldn't, besides I was dating AJ - and he wanted me.

I couldn't go to church either.  All I could do was think and feel unwanted by God.  I was unable to feel wanted for a long time.  

Eventually I did start to talk to others - months later, as I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what the Priest had said.  Especially because I had tooted the God horn loudly and often before.  I was so sure, and now I was so not sure.  Others (AA friend from church, pastor from church, few others who believed in God) all told me the same thing - God did love me, and God did want me.  No one could understand what the Priest was trying to do or prove.  Some said he was sent by the devil to confuse me.  (Worked well)

I slowly started believing in God again.  I never completely stopped, just didn't know what to think or feel.  But sadly, my belief has never come up to where it was before, or even close to it.

I still believe in God... but more on the Divine Spirit / Energy Light.  I still pray.  I still long for God again.  I just don't have a comforting connection of trust and security and love.  Word wise I know God loves me.... I guess.  I miss having that deep hugging security wrapping around me in times of anything going on.  

I wonder as I pray for help and guidance if God is listening and caring.  I like to believe God is.  Easier for me to think Divine Spirit guides me.  There is an emptiness inside me at times, especially at night when I'm feeling lonely.  That emptiness never fills as there's a questioning, halting stall that doesn't allow me to feel warmly, lovingly embraced.

That all being said, I still do believe there is a God..... a Divine Spirit.  To that, I pray and find some comfort.  

I'm not drawn to going to church anymore.  That God is and feels too small and limiting now. I do miss the people that are in church, but not enough to go and sit there.  The speeches are void for me even though I'm ok with the belief.

What about Us?  Well, that's the song by Pink.  And every time I hear it I think it is about God.  That makes me think for me, to think that, it's the highest height of arrogance to believe or think that I would be higher then God, able to tell God what to do.  It's not that I believe that - be it God or Divine Spirit (that I am higher, or able to tell what to do)  It's just there's something about the song that makes me think it's about God, and I don't really know why.  Maybe I should go look at her video on it.  That might help.   

And it makes me long to be closer to God........sigh.

Breakfast

Every morning I get up, let Jax out for a pee - the Prince is carried down the stairs and cuddled then put down to go outside.  After is usually a shower for me, clean the litter box, get dressed and feed the troop.  Afterwards off for a walk with Jax.

This morning, usual routine - but as I was walking I kept getting hungrier and hungrier.  I came into the house and told AJ that there was not enough food in the house for me to eat - I was so hungry.  I wanted eggs, bacon, fries, toast.

Somebody really needs to go shopping...............

Off we went.  Tried a restaurant around the corner from us that always looks busy.  It was like walking into the 1950's.  The diner was old looking inside, and there were photos from when it opened in August 1949.  Also newspaper stories on how Diefenbaker,  Pearson, P Trudeau, Martin and Haper have been in the restaurant for coffee.  So it must be a good place!  The food was good.  The service was quick.  And the place was busy.  Glad we went.

Get to go again on Monday, but just for coffee as it's right beside the garage that I'm going to for an oil change and to put the winter tires on.  People say that place is good too.  Hope they are as we need a place to care for the car.

After breakfast we went to the $ store and Walmart.  I needed to find a few things for art.  I planned to do some this afternoon.  Came up with a few ideas I wanted to try.  (Will show you in another post)

Got home, decided before it got colder and rained/snowed we would go for a walk - Jax would love that.  Which of course he did.  He was delighted in sniffing new places around.  We got home and I wanted to start my art.  But then found out I needed some carbon paper.  Which meant back to the store.  

I wanted to cry.  Not that I had to go back to the store, but because I was so wiped that I couldn't even stand anymore.  I wanted to do my art, and I knew I had - I HAD - to go lay down.  I couldn't even stay up to have lunch.  AJ hugged me and sent me to bed.  Having to nap just takes time.  

Up, lunch and back to the store.  Ended up finding carbon paper in Staples.  But found other stuff in the $ store and Walmart which I figured out to make as I looked.  Thankfully there was still time in the afternoon.  Fed and walked Jax first.  And got to do one project.  Hurray.
😺

Winter Snows

That about explains today.  Though to be fair  - the snow wasn't that deep and Jax found a spot to poop.  I did shovel even though by the end of the day it basically melted.  Just needed to get out and get some fresh air and movement.

A bit better with energy today.  Still needed to have a nap and ready for bed now at 930 pm.

Ugh, considering how many mistakes I'm making in this, I'd better get to bed.

Not much else happened today anyway.

Sleep well.  Ta  

Ugh

Yesterday was #2 injection of Metho.  Putting in the needle into my stomach is ok - it doesn't hurt, which is wonderful.  I don't sleep well after and I have GI cramping pain especially after I eat the first few days.  And TIRED..... oh so tired.  I force myself to keep going the next day.  All I want to do is eat.  Not that I'm hungry, but that I'm so tired, so achy.  I don't know if it's helping my RA or not.  My right hand continues to cramp and pain.  Guess I will just continue injecting and see how I do.

AJ is going to play poker with his brother on Nov 24th.  I said I would drive him there, and then continue to the old community to visit friends.  I got the appointment with Jacqui that day.  Hurray.  So I will put Jax into overnight day care.  I called today and asked Patty if she had room for a little Jax.  She was so excited for him to come.  I hope the weather will be good.  I'm going to look into Airbnb for a place to sleep that night.

I was disappointed my high energy that got all that painting done, was wiped out two days later.  Rob has been coming with his wife to do all the rest of the painting.  He got the ceilings done, and the top half of the family room.  Tomorrow the rest of the family room and then taping of the main floor.  Thinks on Monday (will not come Friday) all the painting will be finished!!!  YES!  

In a way I just don't want to lose weight - at least at the moment.  I definitely don't want to gain more.  But I'm not interested in losing at the moment.  I'm not sure why.  I wish I knew the deeper meaning of all this and why I continue to struggle with wanting to lose weight, lose it, then just gain again.  Injecting Metho is good that I have fat in my belly as it helps, but still not the reason to be overweight.  In a way as the years go on, I don't worry as much about my weight and looks.  I feel too old to worry about it or worry what people think of me / my weight.

Funny thing too is that I don't worry about flirting with strangers.  Or making them feel good about themself.  I made a comment that a sales man in Lowes was a stud.  Everyone liked it and it was a laugh by all, but I saw it made the guy feel good though.  And people need to feel good about themself.

Full Moon Rising

On Saturday I went with Maureen to a Christmas Bazaar.  She asked me when we were on our Thursday Diabetic Walk if I wanted to go.  Sure.  Was ok.  We went after for coffee and talked.  Will be meeting her and her hubby Mike on Thursday again.  AJ will have coffee with Mike - they like each other.  They are the couple we met when we were up looking at this house.  I enjoy her company and am thankful she asks me to come out with her.  It helps to go with someone to things.  I don't think I'd go to the Thursday walk if it wasn't for her.  I'd feel alone.  I see most people tend to already have someone to walk with.  Sad that they want to move next year, but grateful for the time I will have with her / them now.

Must have been because there was a full moon this week.... I woke at 430am and couldn't sleep.  So I got up after thinking about it for a bit - to paint.  But not as in art, as in the ceiling and walls.  I started on the ceiling in the living room and front door hall.  By 630am I almost had the living room ceiling finished, and my paint roller handle broken.  Most irritating thing - the other day at the dollar store I had one in my hand but figured I didn't need to buy another one.  I'm also working at not buying things we don't need..... should have bought it then!

AJ got up at 630am and showered, then we had breakfast.  It has been pis*sing rain all morning so no walk for Jax.  After breakfast I used a brush and started on the walls.  By 1030am it had stopped raining, so we all went for a walk to the Dollar Store and got 2 roller cages!  Yes, I needed 2.  One for the ceiling white, and the other for the Linden walls.  (Linden is a beigey brown)  The front window wall is painted a Grey Mist.  I haven't decided if I like it.  It's suppose to be a level lighter then the Linden so they go, but ...  I have one more coat to do of that, so I will see then.  I like the Linden colour.  Rest of the dining and kitchen will be in that colour too.  Thing is I'm not sure I can do the high ceilings, will have to get Rob to paint I think.  He was suppose to paint everything, but it's ill, and behind in what he's doing for us.  Hopefully he shows tomorrow and finishes AJ's steps in the garage.  They just need one more post.  Then I have a few things that need to be put up - curtain rod, lights outside, towel bars, safety bar, then light switches changed over.

I got my art room finished.  The women came to start the painting, and they were fine, but I just didn't care for what they did exactly.  They finished the bedroom and AJ's bathroom (Linden and one wall Avocado green - looks good, and bath is grey with purple touches).  My art room is Lotus yellow.  So now I have all those rooms done.   

I'm done painting for today.  Will finish that one front wall tomorrow.  My right hand is stiff and painful.    With everything I did today - it must have been the full moon!  I had a lot of energy - hurray.  I got a lot of painting done in one day, plus the long walk, and meals (though they were simple and quick).  I hope tomorrow I will still have some of that energy.  And not be to stiff and sore.

Friday Fatigue

It's been a semi busy week.  Went for blood work on Tuesday - got all the RA etc blood checks done.  We saw our new Nurse Practioner on Monday.  Lindsay was very nice.  As soon as she walked in, I knew I would like her.  She has good energy.  Very patient with us, answered our questions, listened and open to us taking vitamins, and open to having blood work done.  I asked her to add calcium, magnesium and Vit D.  First two are on the gigh side, but the other is low.  Will need to add some more Vit D.  Might explain some of the pain and fatigue I've been having.

My RA results were high in certain things.  Good thing about that is that it does confirm that I am in pain, and having trouble - not just talking about it.  I haven't heard anything from my RA doc, but I don't think I will.  She usually just does the blood work and when I see her next she comments on it.  I see her in March 2018.  I can't see anything on it that really changes much of what's happening with me.

She gave me the metho injections  - which I started on Tuesday evening.   Grabbed some tummy area and stuck the needle in, then pushed in the med.  Wasn't painful.  Bit of a lump after, which eventually went down.  I didn't notice much of a change or anything, but then it will take about 6 weeks until there's something.  I have been fatigued, though I don't think it is exactly because of the metho.  I think the fatigue is just because that's what's happening with me. 

I want to cry because of the fatigue.  There is so much I still have to do around here.

Laundry
Change the bed sheets
COOK dinner (instead of a can of soup)
Paint - hall, front window area, family room bottom wall, front door area
Finish painting front door!
Hang up curtains
Clean off art table
Do some art / painting
Read some of the books / magazine
Nail some boards on the bottom fence in the garden
Dig some edges - tho that can wait until spring

Today I ended up napping, getting the curtains (had them shortened so they will fit better), shopped a bit in Walmart (sorta can't even remember what I got there other then more of my metho prescription) , called Anne to let her know how the injection went.

Anne is from the old community - my walking friend, who I miss.  She has RA too.  She's taking metho pills and is having trouble with the nausea.  She might ask for the injection as it's suppose to ease the nausea.

AJ and I went to Superstore this afternoon to get a few groceries and dinner (which was a can of soup)

I went yesterday to see Marly.  I was happy to see her.  She ran my 'bars' of course and I basically fell asleep on her, which was fine.  It was nice to see her, and I did sleep better last night.  Did she help?  I think she does.  I do feel better after.  I wish I could see more results in the energy work but that's not how it works I guess.  Makes me wonder if I should continue, and then after a while I am drawn back to having some energy work done again.

I ordered via Amazon some Chakra CDs to listen to at night.  They came yesterday.  First two I listened were fine.  Listened to one this afternoon for my nap.

AJ was happy to have me come home yesterday.  Missed me.  Funny.  I sometimes wonder if he would miss me.  I don't doubt his love for me.  Just I guess, we are together almost 24 / 7 so when I or he goes way for a day.....  He's a happy man overall and is always nice to me.  I can see his love for me.  And I love him.  Maybe it's just boredom every day.  Nothing to talk about.  Explains too why I want him to go out as much as possible on his own - so that he can feel that independence and come back wanting to talk about what happened etc on his journey.  Trouble is.... he just doesn't get out that much!  Oh well, in time I'm sure he will get out more.  His brother asked him to come play poker, and AJ was interested in using the bus or train, then found out the cost etc and asked / suggested maybe I could drive.... Which actually might work - I said I could drop him off and then go to the old community to see Anne, then Pat and then Jo-Anne (Chole and Teddy -  Jax's half-brother so they can see each other too then) and then I could go visit my mother and sleep over night there.... or rent a hotel room.  AJ is so good to me - he does dishes! ha ha ha.  And he's good with whatever is for dinner.  I'm blessed.

Black and White 7

I ended up being asked to do that Black and White, no human, no explanation photos on facebook.  Decided to do it - enjoy doing it too.

Such is my life.

Funny, as I look at the photos in a group, they do show what my life is like.  

More in a couple of days as to what's going on - nothing exciting, just daily stuff.  Tomorrow I go see Marly, so that's a long drive day.  Ta for now.