Break Time

Jax was at the vet.  He couldn't get his back legs / body up without struggling.  Next morning I called the fully booked vet.  Even the vet was glad I brought him in.

He hurt his back/hips.  Can cause paralysis.  I must carry him everywhere for 3 weeks.  He must rest.  Is on pain meds for the next 2 weeks.  My baby is only 3 yrs (4 in May) old.  I'm upset.  I'm working at being happy and I know he will be fine.  Even tho I have pain meds for the rest of his life if / when I need them.

I am also continuing with WW, but also doing AIP and adding in believing as Abraham Hicks says.

I need a break from posting as you have probably noticed, I just can't post lately.  Too much.  So I am signing off for about a month.  Tomorrow is April 1.  Will look at posting again May 1.

Til then.

Alone Again...for 2 Days

AJ is off at a board meeting today, means he's staying there overnight.  It's just pup and kitties with me!

I went yesterday to WW to a meeting etc.  It was fine.

What's bothering me at the moment is - I can't remember what I wanted to blog on, argh.  I thought about it a few nights ago, woke and couldn't remember.

Mostly things are good.  I am happy.  I am listening still to Abraham Hicks.

And I got side tracked..... yesterday!  Never got back to finishing this post.  Sorry about that.

So now AJ is back home - yeah.  Hugs and hearts.  Life is back to 'normal'.

Today was beautiful out.  Got to the dog park this morning.  Jax had fun.  Picked up coffee and a bagel.  Then to the doctor's to pick up a form - and drop off a report.

Back track.  I saw Dr P the other day.  My MGUS is doing well - stable.  The CT scan didn't show anything that HE'S concerned about.  Will see him in a year.  Need to do a CT scan on my head for him before I see him, just to confirm the veins are fine and nothing happening in there.  ha ha ha.

BUT the CT scan did show some interesting things  - for me.  So glad I asked for a copy of the report.

Showed a small hiatal hernia.  !!!!!!!  Well that's interesting.  Damit - I TOLD NP Gabrielle that something was going on in there!!!!   Struggling to let it go about her.  To let it go about how much I was in pain all year.

Another tidbit that was interesting was - DISH.  Diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis 

Gave the report to NP Lindsay so that she could make sure that the doctor - Dr J knows about it.  Dr J is the one doing the scope on my stomach.  Which is scheduled for next week - April 4.  Then I got a call to see Dr G - cardiologist.   Seeing him for cardio stress test on April 3.  Next week is going to be very doctorie.  April 1 - Dr B - diabetic / thyroid, April 2 - Naturopath Dr C, April 3 and 4 above.  April 5 we are going out to dinner with Cate and Paul.

Thinking I will email RA doc Dr L the report too.  Man, I actually dislike having so many different docs for so many different things.  Wish a few would deal with a bunch together.  I understand Dr P didn't worry about the hernia etc - that wasn't his issue.  But if I didn't ask for the report, I wouldn't have known and the scoping doc wouldn't be aware of this etc.  the DISH will probably be of interest to the RA doc.

And this Friday, at the last minute we need to go to Barrie to deal with our income tax.  Need to change accountant to one that is here for next year.  

Busy, busy, busy......

Mountain Paint

Have a painting I did downloaded so I thought I'd post it.

Think it turned out ok.  Especially since it's not a paint pour!


I've been putting my points into the WW app.  We laugh - breakfast currently uses up all my 26 points.  Obliviously that is going to have to change!  Mostly I have trouble finding things in the app, like coconut wraps.  They don't have them listed.  So that means I need to sit down with the numbers in input it all.  When I officially start I will do this.  Or just hope and go for the closest listed! Used 8'' wheat wrap for my coconut one.

Today we are going to go to church.  Took Jax to the park already, some little dogs were there so that was nice.  Beautiful day.

Ta

WW

I was speaking with Sandy at the new church we are going too and she agreed to meet with me and talk about how she lost weight.

So I met with her today.  We talked almost 4 hours - not all about weight.  Mostly about church, places we've lived and some weight.  In the end she had explained she goes to Weight Watchers.

I've gone to WW years ago.... and years ago from that one too.  I asked if I could go with her - yes.  It's the support of having a friend to go with that helps me.  Came home and talked with AJ about it.  He could see how when I had support, someone to go to, that I did much better.  IP, Poon etc.  So he said yes it would be a good idea.  I went to look it up and found out I had 3 days to join to get 4 months free.  Pay for 8 months and get 4 months free.  After much talk with AJ we decided I should do it for the year.  There are numerous meetings around here.

Sandy goes, along with a few others from church, to one in London that isn't that far away from me - and best of all it's at 10am.  That really works!

I joined over the computer so that I could get the deal, even though I wouldn't be going until April 2 on that Tuesday.  But I could go this Monday to the one here.  

So now I am a WW'er.

Going tomorrow with Cate to the Shopping Extravaganza.  Got some oils to work with healing that sexual abuse dream.  Joan's response was yes that's what it was about, yes I could have a meeting with her, or heal it on my own.  Decided since I know she's really busy, that I would heal it myself.  It was good to just hear from her on it.  Have been using the oils for the last few days now.  Don't overly notice much, but I believe it helps.

Very windy today.  Short walks for Jax.

Still listening to Abraham Hicks.

About it for now!

Ta.

Smile

Here's a little kitty giggle post:

Carolyn

I like to read Carolyn Hax.  She has the most interesting insights and advice for people of all the newspaper 'Ann Landers' people I have read.

With my issues of trust, and my need to be in control.  I found today's - Carolyn Hax - interesting and amusing.

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared on Oct. 17 and Sept. 29, 2004, respectively.

Dear Carolyn:

People have often shrugged me off with, "Oh, that's just because you like to be in control," and I'm starting to wonder if they're correct. Any suggestions for identifying/solving my possible control issues?

-- Mission Control

If you think someone else might be right, congratulations! You're cured.

Kidding, but only a little. The need to control is really just a failure to trust. You have to drive because so-and-so will be reckless; you have to keep your mate in sight or else s/he'll cheat; you have to do everything yourself because underlings won't be as competent ... stop me when this sounds familiar.

A failure to trust, meanwhile, is really just a triumph of fear. Fear of crashing, heartbreak and failure in the examples I just gave, but it's all one biggie -- fear of the unknown. Specifically, that you won't be able to handle any outcome that deviates from the one you've envisioned.

Which means the person you don't trust is yourself. Right?

That's hard to admit, but also, I think, the hardest part of the process. From here, there's no universal solution, but asking why you're so scared is a start, or -- the true measure of strength -- just slowly releasing your grip on getting the exact outcome you want.

I never realized trust and control went together like this.  Boom!

Dream Again

I had a dream.... twice, I think last night.  Decided I would write Joan about it as I could use some guidance.

Hi Joan;

I had a dream last night in bed, I woke with a memory of biting hard, and that I was jolted awake.  I tried to go back to sleep but felt I was just restless inside.  I kept thinking / feeling go to the chair (to sleep).  Decided I wouldn't fight that thought / voice.  And went.  Cat came a bit later, once I was settled, and slept with me.  And off I went to sleep.

In the morning, I dreamt again.  This time I had more information.  It was the same dream that I had earlier that night in bed.

I was drunk? drugged? numb? voiceless.  I knew I was unable to speak, I acted like I was drunk/numb/spaced out/dumb... I can't exactly describe the feeling and how I was acting.  I pretended to be - not there - and 'people' would think I was asleep or just plain too stupid to know what was happening or to talk.

Then I saw Radom St and Liverpool Rd.  These are two streets that T (radom into liverpool)  This is a real place, this was were I use to live - from birth to 45 yrs area.

I was again (?) laying down, and doing that weird emotional feeling of spaced out.  This time I could see both from above and from my eyes.  I was a naked baby/young girl - not more then 2, maybe 3.  But very, very young maybe 1 yrs?  There was this older boy licking (?) my face, then my left shoulder, I knew he was going to lick my breast.  He stopped and looked at my vagina.  I knew then that after my breast he was going to lick my vagina.  I was numb.  He stopped because someone had called his name - I know someone called him, but I do not know what the name was.  He looked at me, and said he would come back later for that.

Then I was biting the right hand - fleshly part of the bottom thumb, of what I think was a woman.  I was still naked.  There was a man running his finger up and down my esophagus / chest.  From my stomach to my throat.  He would then gently palpitate up and down between running his finger up and down.  He was talking to the woman.  He said something about see watch now the core will get stronger.  

When he talked about the deeper core getting stronger - I was biting even harder.  I was surprised that I hadn't bit the thumb off or that the woman wasn't screaming in pain.  She never moved her hand.  Afterwards I didn't have anything in my mouth and I started waking up.  Just that split second before I was completely awake, I looked at the man and I said - ""Tell your son not to touch me anymore.""

I was awake.  I thought about the dream.  Got up and went back to the bed.  I put some essential oils on my chest and jaw.  Put on some binarual beats for sexual abuse healing.

Information;

*****  I know there were 3 males that sexually abused me.  My father, and my godfather Alfred.  I was never sure who the other one was.  No one ever 'felt' right.

****** When I was little, at that T of Radom and Liverpool lived:  1. Christopher, 2. Allan & older brother Larry  3. An older Hungarian Woman (I don't overly remember her or her family, I don't know if she had children - I just remember mom telling me about her, and being there once in a while - I can't remember much about that house).    We lived on Douglas that ran into Radom.  Beside us was 4. Tommy & Brian.

******** Christopher and I played doctor when we were older.  He was about a year older then me.  I really don't think he was 'the son'.  Allan was my age, Larry was a few years older.  Question him.  Question if the Hungarian had a son.  Question Tommy more then Brian.

******** I woke both times with tight jaws.  

******** I know those numb feelings ment something.  I know me not talking etc was what I was like a lot as a child.

******* I know I dreamt this twice last night.

****** I find it funny that the man was running/palpitating me from my stomach to throat along my esophagus - just like where I am struggling in a lot of pain with inflammation and eating issues.  (BTW - I am going to finally see a specialist to scope me on this)

****** Before bed we were talking and I said that at this point I don't think I will ever know the reason why I am overweight, and that I don't care anymore.  I just want to eat, be healthy, and if I have to be this size..... oh well.  I will just work at loving myself as is, and work at being happy.  That I didn't think I would ever get to the core of the answer.

******** I wonder if I was finally able to speak up.  Was I heard and believed???????

**********
I feel......... upset, sad, bit crying, confused.  I don't know if this dream really was telling me something.  I feel semi-numb about the sexual abuse / stuff that happened in the dream.  It doesn't freak me out.  I don't really feel victim-ed.  I know if that was it, it wasn't my fault.  I know all the therapy answers.

And I got up to let the dog go out for a pee........I stood in the kitchen I was hungry!  Something I am not first thing in the morning like that.  Went back to bed.  Got up 2 hours later, back in the kitchen before a shower..... hungry and ate a few little chocolate cookies.

I'm not sure exactly what to do about this from this point on.  Does this need me to do more - if so, what then?

Relief

Ah.  Went to see the nurse practitioner today.  Blessing was - it was the original, our NP - Lindsay who was finally back from her maternity leave.  It was nice to see her.

And basically immediately she said I should go have a scope done on my throat/ espoghaus / stomach.   YES!

She asked how my year was - I said........ a challenge.  She asked how my health was over the year......... upsetting.  I explained if she's ever off, not to have Gabriele take care of us, as we just aren't a good match.  AJ said later that I did well on expressing Gabriele issue.

We talked about my chest pains, all that happened over the year.  Once I said it was going into my stomach she immediately said about the scoping.  Why, or why couldn't the other one figure that out?????????

We talked about the MGUS, and the heart specialist.  She will send me but first will deal with the stomach/scope issue.  And then we talked about the thyroid issue.  She was good about it.  Explained that she doesn't understand thyroid hormone, and sees that I have an appointment with the endocrinologist. Which she will see what that doc says.  And if Dr B doesn't agree with the thyroid hormone, then I can let the naturopath deal with it.  But she was more acceptable to my TSH possibly being stress/ inflammation etc causing it to go down, yet saying too that even though I've been on it for 10 yrs, I still have to watch I don't have another coma like issue that could happen with it down so low.  Fair enough, I can accept her take on it.  She said if Dr B agreed and explained it to her in a way she knows what to watch, then she would be fine with taking over that again.  I like the answer.

Overall was there for almost 45 mins, went thru everything and feel like I was heard, listened too, respected.  I felt good about it all.  And think I can now go see her without dragging AJ along.... ha ha ha.

Sunshine

Today is very sunny.  Cold, but not freezing.  And I got the back cleaned up this morning.  Moved the bird feeders back - confused the birds and the twins.  Best of all, my chest didn't hurt so much!  Yeah!

I don't feel like writing lately.  Not much of what is going on seems to be interesting to me.  Joan's reply was that I was doing well.  My session with her was deep and good.  Basically ended up with healing hands.  I so wish my hands could/would be healing to myself and others.

This morning was an issue again about eating and foods - I'm just so not interested anymore in weight, food, eating etc.  I'm clear on wanting to eat foods that are good for me/ my body, but I'm not going to worry about them.  And I told AJ I wanted both his and my scales to be put away.  I don't want either of us to pay attention to the scales.  I don't want to hear about his weight or mine.  If clothes fit, then weight is the same - otherwise the clothes will be bigger or smaller.  He said ok.

I have done some more art work.  Have to get to taking photos of them.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore.  I use to have with google plus a few that showed this blog was being read, but now on just google is shows for weeks zero.  Don't know if that's true or not.  I think that is making me feel like not writing much as why bother.  I guess if felt better that there was someone in the world who would once in a while see what crazy writing I had.

Think I will stop with the Tuesday, Friday and probably Sunday posts as they probably aren't interesting.  I will still post giggles and insights and art and maybe teaching stuff along the regular posts - but no longer make them specific.

The twins are really interested in the new spot for the feeder.  I think they see more birds as it has the tree there too.  Currently they both are swashed together on the top of the cat stand - one looking out, the other trying to sleep.  Star is doing so much better at letting me pat him - not so much picking him up, but patting.  Especially when I pee - he comes running in at wants me to pat him as I sit there.  Really?  ha ha ha.

Jax has been to the dog park a bit more lately.  The weather is better, so we go.  Saw Michelle a few times.  She's friendly, but I don't feel she really wants to be friends with me.  Oh well.

Still listening to Abraham Hicks on youtube.  

Feeling a bit up and down today.  Not sure why.  After breakfast just started crying - have no idea why.  Then after a hug from AJ, I went outside to work.

Guess that's about it for the moment.

Ta

Sundy Art #10 Late

Ophs.  Sunday just got away from me.

Friday's Giggles & Insights #10

Just for those that travel, make sure of the room!

Remembering my crown.

Breakfast Insight

Had a tad of an insight today.

Sent a message to Joan, and I have one more session with her before she leaves for work travel - 3 months!

Sent her this message:

At breakfast out, I screwed up my order, didn't get exactly what I wanted and cost more.  Talking with Tony, I realized

Asking/telling someone what I want, being afraid to ask/tell because I don't feel I can have it/get it.  I'm not someone who can get what they ask for without struggle or punishment. Believing that I can get it or deserve it.  I am afraid of being undeserving.

I saw this with the universe blessings.  Trying to control HOW it comes out because I am afraid asking for what I want will also cause me pain and hurt.

Eg. I want to happily win a million so I can get a new suv, pay off bills/mortgage, have more then enough in the bank to buy things we need)want.  I am trying to control so the money comes happily instead of by a car accident which then we would need that money for other needs and would be caused by pain. Cancel that thought of happening!

Fear of deserving, asking, believing I deserve, afraid of how and what I get if I ask.

I'm so close to healing this!

I look forward to seeing what she has to say about it, and healing it.

Teaching Tuesday #10

Learn to cook?

This recipe amuses me.  I haven't made it, yet.  But I like the idea of it.  Comes from - Primal Plate. 

Pigs in a Pillow

by BreannaEmmitt

View original recipe

View other recipes by BreannaEmmitt

Serves: 24

Ingredients

• 1 lb Ground Pork, (for the sausage)
• 1 Tbsp Pure Maple Syrup, (for the sausage)
• 1 tsp Sea Salt, (for the sausage)
• 1 tsp Sage, (for the sausage)
• 1 tsp Flat Leaf Parsley, (for the sausage)
• 1/2 tsp Thyme, (for the sausage)
• 1/4 tsp ground Cloves, (for the sausage)
• 2/3 cup Coconut Flour, (for the biscuits)
• 2/3 cup Arrowroot Flour, (for the biscuits)
• 1/2 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil, (for the biscuits)
• 1/3 cup Water, (for the biscuits)
• 2 tsp Lemon Juice, (for the biscuits)
• 3/4 tsp Baking Soda, (for the biscuits)
• 1/2 tsp Salt, (for the biscuits)
• 1 Tbsp Unflavored, Knox brand Gelatin, for the egg substitute, see instructions (for the biscuits)

Process

1. Preheat oven to 350 and lightly grease a muffin tin with coconut oil. Set out a baking sheet.
2. Mix all breakfast sausage ingredients together and form one-tablespoon sized meat balls. Arrange on ungreased baking sheet, and bake for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, prepare "pillows."
3. Place all biscuit ingredients, except gelatin, in large mixing bowl.
4. Prepare gelatin egg substitute: Whisk one tablespoon gelatin into one tablespoon cool water. Add two tablespoons boiling water. Whisk vigorously until completely dissolved and frothy. Add to mixing bowl and mix on medium until a dough forms.
5. Form 24 one-tablespoon sized balls of dough. Place one ball into each mini muffin cup.
6. When meatballs are finished, remove them from oven. Press one "pig" (meatball) into each unbaked "pillow" (biscuit) until the dough spreads up around each meatball.
7. Bake for 10-12 minutes, until edges are golden brown.

Happy Cooking!

Sunday Art #9

There is today's art!  Made this a while ago.  

Flipped it and it looks like this:  Ended up hanging it this way too.

Tried to get that last shot without the glare.

Friday Giggles & Insights #9

Here's today's giggles:

As far as the insight:  From Abraham Hicks's daily quote that I now get:

People will say, “Well, I have to work on my goals,” or, “I have to work on my visualization.” And we want you to think more about holding the vision because it is pleasurable to hold the vision, not because you’re trying to make the vision work in order to get to some place that you’re not now standing. “How much should I work?” We would say, work in the sense of joyously moving forward

Excerpted from North Los Angeles, CA on 8/13/01

Our Love
Esther (Abraham and Jerry)