Spooky

Tomorrow is Halloween.  Not doing anything.  Last year we handed out candy, but after much discussion back and forth, we decided not to hand out candy.  We didn't want it around, and heaven forbid there would be some left over!  Going to put a streamer around the post by the walkway so it will help let them know as our lights go on automatically.

Spent the morning plasticing up the back deck/porch.  Stapled heavy plastic around.  Just the one side is open as A) ran out of plastic and B) too big/wide to put the plastic up.  Don't think it will be too bad on that side as the wind really doesn't come that way.  I have a plastic 'door' open for the moment as the weather is still nice.  I have stapled it up top so I can pull it down and put the heavy pot on it.  And then Jax can go out the big/wide side to go into the year.  Sadly I don't see the birds either as the plastic isn't clear.  At least there, hopefully, wont be snow at the kitchen door.  I also added rope over the plastic to help hold it so it doesn't strain the plastic.

Then I talked with Joan this afternoon.

I don't know if it helped or made things worse.  I did feel pretty happy this morning.  Now I feel like I want to die or destroy myself.  

We talked about the issue of taking care of my health and self.  Kinda came do to a past life where I was a man.  As a boy - very happy farm life, then a plague came thru the town.  Parents died, me only child, about 8-9 yrs old.  Had to survive which I manage overall - not great, but did it.  Then about 30 yrs was down at the docks.  Got hit over the head and dragged onto a ship.  Woke with the choice to be threw overboard or become a sailor.  Yeah - choose the sailor life.  

Came out with learning in this life to take control of my life, have faith in myself, choose to believe in self.  Things along that line.  Taking that - I do understand that being positive and believing in self / loving self is important.  And yet I feel awful.  Awful and swollen.

Don't know what to do about the outcome, so I'm just going to leave it for the moment.

Keto wise - I think I have to give up the dairy.  I think that's what's making me swollen.  Sad as I've been doing recipes with dairy that have been good.  Guess I could try them with cashew dairy.

And then again..... this all could just be the MTX.  Took my shot yesterday.  Let's just say that's what it is.

And so....  Happy Halloween!

Now I Forgot

I had a thought this last week and kept wanting to write on it.  But with all the doctor appointments, daily stuff.... it's gone.  Probably wasn't all that exciting to read but it was something that was making me wonder.

Now I wonder what it was......???

Let's swim onward.


I had thought on the issue of medical / doctors/ my health  etc as I mentioned before and decided to email Joan.  Going to talk with her about it on Tuesday.  Will be interested to see what develops out of that.

I'm still doing Keto.  But lazy.  As in I'm just keeping on keto foods, with some leftover bars inbetween.  I was hungry this week too.  I figured if I could just keep on keto foods that would be better then stressing and ending up eating off program completely. I do feel better keeping on track even when I felt so tired.  It was better that I had a bar then going out and just eating whatever I saw.  I know eventually I will need to start looking closer at the macros as I know I'm off and too much.  But for now, that's ok.  No weight loss - but still good with the fact I'm still on it.

I ordered some DoTerra essential oils.  I've looked at other oils and read about them.  I just keep going back to DoTerra.  Maybe because of Cate.  But then again, I honestly have noticed that I feel something with DoTerra oils that I never noticed with other oils.  They do have a bit of a pyramid scam idea.  Cate has never asked me to sell.  Good.  She actually paid for my joining too.  I didn't ask her to, she asked me if she could, and I agreed.  3 months later now I'm ordering some stuff for me.

I ordered the cleaning concentrate, again when I listened to Wendy talk about the oils for pets, she mentioned it's all she cleans with.  It's better then all the chemicals.  And better then vinegar I feel.  Then I ordered oils to help with my health - immune, antiox, organs.  Guess I will see how this idea works.

Cate is doing keto also.  AJ and I are going over to her place for dinner on Friday night.  Her hub is Paul.  Look forward to that.  And then we will be off on Saturday to AJ's brother for a sibling lunch.  Jax goes to daycare overnight and the cats are together at home for the day.

And do I remember yet?  Nope.

How Many Doctors?

A bit more up and awake today.  Though long day again.  

On Tuesday I went to see Dr Phua.  And yes, he was the doctor that saw AJ in Barrie and saved him by figuring out AJ had kidney cancer.  He thought too that he knew us.  Back to me.  My reports came back that yes - I have MGUS.  So that's confirmed.  It's low grade MGUS which is what Dr Leung had said too.  Probably will never develop into anything, but still great to know it's confirmed and clear.

One of the things Dr P checked was my bones.  I did that body xray to check.  And something came out of it - I have/had a fracture on my T11 / T12 vertebrata, 10-15% damage.  AJ reminded me that I fell a few years ago in the old house.  Stepped off the stairs and onto ice, fell backwards onto the steps.  Seriously should have gone to the hospital as I was in MEGA, MEGA, MEGA pain.  But I went straight to bed (REALLY BAD PLAN!)  Thankfully I woke after about 3 hours.  When I did go to the hospital about a week later - still in pain - doc didn't care (!!) and told me to take Tyenol or Advil.  Never got an xray.  So I have a fracture in my back.  Huh.  Thought about that a lot Tuesday night.  

Because of this fracture and BONES being an issue with MGUS, doc is sending me for a CT Scan which will show thing better.  Works for me.  Other blood tests are basically within range.  Some a bit up but ok, some close to the edges but also ok of course.  My iron is fine in my circulating but my storage iron is getting low.  3 months ago was 97, now it's 63.  They get interested in it when it gets around 20-50.  Explains a bit of the fatigue I've been feeling.  The other thing that comes up is there is a possible infection in my body.  Not specific, not sure where.  And not enough to hunt for it.  

Infection.... that doesn't surprise me and I've wondered about.  My chest/lung issue first started with a cold going into the lungs....was that / is that an infection that hasn't cleared?  NP of course wouldn't continue to look into that as she'd assume the antibiotics worked.  Then again, is there an infection somewhere else?  Do I wait until the infection really develops into something that finally gets noticed but really can cause health issues for me? 

Wednesday saw the new eye Doctor.

I know - for someone who said they didn't want to go to doctors anymore, I'm going a lot!!!

I liked this new eye Doc.  Dr R.  The new one we saw last year here was fast and pushy.  Ended up getting far glasses because my eyes were always fatigued. But when I used them, they bothered me.  Left those glasses with Dr R to donate.

Dr R said the far glasses basically had no depth in them.  And I didn't need them!  My eyes were fine far distance.  Even my reading glasses were good for different viewing.  So I switched the two pair around - the one is better for computer viewing, the other for reading.  He said if I wanted another pair for closer reading I could do two things - A) buy cheaters from the drug store (2.50 distance) or B) order a new pair with that strength.  Didn't matter to him which I did.

AND FOR DISTANCE ETC.....I NEEDED DROPS!  My eyes are fatigued because of being dry.  I don't need glasses - I need drops to lube my eyes.  

I bought the drops - my eyes feel so much better!!!  They are much more relaxed.  They don't hurt.

Hurray.

AJ went to get his head cut open.  Well, ok, we went yesterday and he got his mole on his head removed.  After 67 years he no longer has this big huge mole that would get caught when he combed his hair, or hairdressers cut his hair.  He's happy. 

Interlude

Another one of those tired days.  Yesterday was very busy with appointment and lunch.  Guess it just drained me today.  So here are a few pictures I collected over the last few months.  

That last one.....happens often.....

Remembering For Friends

Three weeks ago my sister-in-law sent us an email saying that her aunt had died.  We sent a card to her.  I wasn't sure I could make a card for her as I didn't really have those types of stamps.  

Then two weeks ago a friend mentioned her father died.

Then last week my friend at the dog park (Wendy) came in and told me her husband (Steve) died.

I met Steve when I first started going to the dog park in March 2018.  He never said much as his face / mouth was damaged and understanding him was difficult.  But I was always willing to talk with him, to listen.  I also respected if he didn't want to talk to me.  He had mouth cancer years ago and had to have surgery etc.

I had not seen him for a long time and then started seeing the two dogs, but with a woman. (In July/August 2018)  I happened to be there one morning when she came with the dogs, and I cautiously asked her how her husband was.  Wendy said he wasn't feeling well, had stomach pains.

As she continued to come with the dogs, I'd plan for the same time to go with Jax.  We started looking for each other and talk.  I really like her.  She's someone who being friends with works...... and she's thinking of moving to Windsor to be closer to family.  (Damn!)  They have no children, just the small dogs.  She would talk how Steve wasn't feeling well, about going to the hospital with him, about him hallucinating, about him wanting to come home from the hospital, him acting fine in front of the doctors, about her frustrated with him / with the doctors,  They didn't take her seriously - and Wendy was a nurse for 30 years.  

Finally they found what they thought was the problem.  Tumors in the lung attaching to the ribs.  Weeks later it went back to the original issue.  Steve was having stomach pains, not eating or drinking, lost weight - was just skin and bones, unable to stand etc.  They found out it was cancer in the stomach.  Which was what Wendy originally thought was where the problem was.

He rallied about a few days before Thanksgiving.  That was on a Sunday.  On the Tuesday it would be their anniversary.  Wendy thought he was going to die a week before that as they rushed him back to the hospital and the doctor said he had a week without IV, or two weeks with IV.  He went home for Thanksgiving and for the anniversary.  

I had a feeling.  I thought he didn't want to die just before Thanksgiving and their anniversary.  That he would do it a few days after.  

Then last Wednesday (week after) Wendy came to the park - Steve died yesterday.  She had brought him back to the hospital on the Monday (week after Thanksgiving).  She had gone home Tuesday night, telling them to call asap.  Wednesday early morning, he died quietly and without her there.  The nurse said he passed peacefully.  I knew, and she kinda knew that Steve would do it when she wasn't there.  She hoped to be there but he had other plans.  Was just like him.  Hugs.  

I hope to see her again soon so I can give her the card as I don't know her address.  

These are the cards:

For Anne - (lost her father)

For Wendy - 

I thought they both turned out well.  

Sunday's Krystal's Colours will be these cards too.  Just an FYI.

Freedom Run

Yeah.... I'm not running.

Looks like a bit of a change - keep calling him Milo...

Milo is free from the leash and having a ball.  He's taken to exploring the whole house now.  Thankfully he found (I believe I saw him go) the litter box downstairs in the basement.  I moved it from the room upstairs.  

He was showing more curiosity and exploring yesterday.  Kept getting stuck with the leash.  This morning I just felt it was time.  He could wander the house and if he hid.... well, hopefully, eventually he would show for food.  He mostly played upstairs and in the living room.  After dinner - which he did show for (think he's learning his name), I saw him head later to the basement.  I did take him down a few times to show him the litter box.  He's been so happy running around the house.  Spends most time upstairs.

And Princess.  Well, she's resigned I think.  A few hisses here and there, but knows he's here to stay.  Jax of course ignores him.  I had hoped they would play - maybe in time.

That hunger feeling has been around still.  I wonder if it's because I have been having some IP foods lately.  Just thought about that.  Tomorrow I will go back to just foods and skip the IP.  Will give them to AJ instead.

And more water.....

Been raining here most of the day.  Some sunny breaks.  We have a red headed woodpecker coming to the feeder.  He eats off the tray.  I have put a cylinder up, but he still goes to the tray.

I do feel better again too.  Not needing the nap in the afternoon.  Got to finally go out and pick up dog poop.....ok, too much info! ha ha ha ha     😃😲

Tomorrow not doing much.  Going to try to get into my art room and do some work.  Still have a finbar to finish and want to do 2 cards (2 friends have lost family members - see how they turn out first, then send... or buy some)

That's about the excitement for this weekend.

Toodles!

Toodles

My sis sent out an email for her Stampin site and ended it with TOODLES.

I read that and laughed.  I thought that was funny and cute.  Emailed her and told her I was going to use it if it was ok with her.  She emailed back and said the funny thing was - when she wrote it, she heard my voice in her head saying it.  Ha ha ha. 

M cried a bit the first 2 nights, but last night I heard him playing a bit.  Today he played a bit again and explored the upstairs a bit too.  He's found a chair to be 'safe' in on the main floor and slept a bit on the cat stand downstairs.  He's on the back of the couch - only because I put him there.  He's really starting to feel better around he.  I still feel he misses his brother and foster mom and is leery to trust me.  Tho he's thrilled with the meals I give him, especially the piece of smoked salmon he got for lunch.  M's still on a leash too but able to run around.  Few times he's run up to the meditation room - his safe place.

Hunger is still there a bit.  Last night made butternut squash, spinach and topped it with almond butter / maple syrup.  (me - Waldern's Farm syrup)  I really like this dinner.  Tonight's another fav - wrap, sausage, sauerkraut, pickle, BBQ sauce and mayo.

I'm lousy at inputting my macros, no surprise for me.  I just don't like doing that.  So it's a bit of a challenge, not the carbs but to get the fat in.  I'm mostly working at keeping the carbs low and finding fat to get in.  And then watching the protein is a bit more balanced.  I am down 7 pounds since Oct 7.  Happy with that.  At first, trying to get those macros down in Carb Manager was a lot of work for me.  Then too it was at 1000 cals too.  I just couldn't keep it that low.  Part of the reason I stopped inputting.  I'm not worrying about greens as they don't have much in them either, as in carbs, overall.

Starting to feel better too.  Slept again this afternoon, can feel I'm starting to feel more up.  Think too the more fat is helping.  I didn't have that bad a reaction - mentally, emotionally or physically.  Even my blood work I did this week was better marks then last month's.  Hopefully soon I can stop the MTX injections completely.

On thing I haven't been able to regulate is HOT.  Ugh.... in the morning, afternoon and after dinner.  But then in the morning - coffee, afternoon and dinner - tea.  Then I'm melting, dripping.  

Watching Nova's TV on Addiction.  Is interesting, so I'm off to watch it.

Toodles!!!  

Yeah, I needed to use it.  😸😁 

Chill

Anxiety......worry.......confusion.......fear.......CHILL!!!!

My new baby boy was sleeping... SLEEPING ALL DAY.  That confused me.  I get new kittens are confused and scared, but all the sleeping really scared me.

I had a puddle of a kitten.  A boneless kitten.  I'd pick him up and he'd hang off my fingers/ hand.  I was so worried that he was going to stress to death.  He had barely eaten since coming home.

Then last night he started purring and rolling onto his back to get his belly rubbed.  He stretched out on the back of the couch.  And FINALLY I was able to breathe as I knew then that he was going to be ok.

At bedtime, he ate all his food - he's a RAW food boy.  Never touched his original bought home food.  He loved RAW and Stella & Chewy dehydrated raw.  Even the raw kibble.  He ate it all.  This morning he ate it all again.  Same with dinner.  And loved the chicken and cheese bits he got today.

He still goes to hide, except for the back of the couch.  If I put him there, he stretches out and sleeps.  In the dinning room he looks for places he can go under.  I had put him on a leash so I'm able to find him.  He doesn't mind the leash.  

He is doing well with Jax too.  Jax has sniffed him a few times with only an occasional hiss.  Princess....she's not impressed still.  Hope she comes around soon.  I need to keep him in the meditation room until they are all good together.

The stress I've been feeling hasn't been good for me.  Sunday was MTX injection night too.  So I'm wiped and on edge again.  I can feel when I look inside myself that I'm crying and jumping all around.  Not that it's over anything, just ????  I don't know, it does something to me emotionally, physically, mentally when I inject MTX.  I wish I didn't need to inject but I can feel days before that my joints are really starting to hurt and burn.  Once I shoot - I'm able to sleep better.  Not to mention the nausea that comes with it - I'm forcing myself to keep on track (so far, so good).  The fat involved with Keto I think helps.  Instead of looking to carbs to feel stomach better, I look to fat and need less to feel better.  It's like between a toast and a slice of bacon.  The bacon actually does feel better.

Tomorrow is GRASS day here in Canada.  Will be interesting to see what happens.  No, I'm not interested in it.  Never was.  Same with drinking - ha ha ha - same with meds - I just don't like that dizzy, spacey, loose feeling.  I don't like mood altering, mind altering or emotional altering.  And my joy with food / eating - I don't need to challenge that.  I'm glad I'm not drawn to it all. Guess I'm too old.

Mauru

Weclome home, Mauru.  

Freaked out Charlie has been name changed to Mauru.  He's very, very calm and still in the carrier.  His safe place.  

Princess was not imipressed.  She hissed of course, and Mauru hissed too.  Jax went to look, got hissed by Mauru and hence staying far away.  He has sat beside me very carefully watching Mauru.  Jax doesn't want to get swatted.  Otherwise Jax is totally fine, and it's looking like Mauru is fine with Jax.  Last closeness no hissing.  

But M is still very stressed and safely sleeping at the moment in the carrier beside me.  

I can see Princess will be fine in time with him.  She has come up, sniffed a few times.  Checked if that 'thing' was still here and left.  It's just time.

We went this morning to get him.  When I saw him.....yes, he belonged to our family.  I thought the little kittens were so cute, the other one a bit older was lovely - but sensed he's want out of the house, not of us.  M was so laid back and quiet.

I am glad and happy with him.  He just had the right feel for our family.  He belongs.

I told them he would had the best life I could give him, and not to worry.

I guess I did get my answer to whether I should get another cat.

Really that's about it - if I continue writing it will just be over Mauru, so I will stop.  I don't think you want to keep reading about him over and over today.  Yes, you will be getting updates!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha.

Pitter Patter

Ugh.  

A few weeks ago I had a flash desire of another cat.  Then I dreamt of a big black and white male cat that was walking and I laughed - it made me very happy inside.  I squashed all those feelings.

We went to Port Huron for lunch with my friend and her hubby.  That went well and was very enjoyable.  AJ did most of the talking which was fine with me.  I really didn't know what to say.  We went to a buffet - and I did well with the food - steam veg, steam fish, a bite of pot roast and sugar free jello.  Got home and for dinner had a bar.  Today I'm hungry and it's bothering me.  Oh well.

When we were there, Jax was in daycare and Princess.....She was alone in the house with the radio on.  Next day we went out again.  Tomorrow we are going to my mother's, taking Jax.  Princess in the house alone again.

When we got home, she was glad, but also wasn't eating much for a few days.  She just seems 'off'.  I'm not sure what to do.

Is she grieving still?  I can understand she is.  But how can I help her?

I'm starting to wonder if another cat will help her.  She wont be so alone when we are gone out.  I know she was always glad to have Moonbeam with her.  That he taught her about me.  She's backing a bit off from me.  But then I trim her nails and brush her which she hates.

Would another cat be comforting to her?  I keep rolling that in my head.  I've talked with AJ about it and he's ok if we get another one.

Part of me still doesn't want another one, yet part of me is happy to have another one.

I am seeing even as I'm writing this that I'm going into that direction.  Ugh.... yes, I feel it.

Ok then.  Where are you kitten/cat?  I do know a super calm, relaxed, indoor - no interest in outside male is the type we need in this house.  I'm not apposed to an older cat either.

Guess time will tell when the adorable one will come.

Quick Hop

Not much happening!

Yesterday got the grass in the front cut, trimmed the trees..... and had low back pain all afternoon.  That's slowly healing.  I think it was an almond bun that bothered by back. Bit of an allergic reaction.

I'm trying to flip into keto.  I started on Sunday and it's ok but I'm struggling with the macros.  Kinda lost with the amounts and whether they are enough.  Struggling with the surprise that when I eat what it says as macros that I'm ok.  I'm also understanding why people on keto either eat one or two meals only.  I have only 1032 calories, net carbs 15g, protein 65g, fat 79g.  That doesn't leave much.  Bit confusing to try to up so much fat too.  Hard to figure out what to eat that balances.  The olive oil on the 1 cup of zucchini and 2 ounces of ground chicken was actually good and filling.  So it's a learning curve that I need to trust.

Thanksgiving weekend was quiet for us.  We had 'dinner' on Saturday of sweet potatoe, almond butter, spinach and maple syrup.  Then the next morning - Sunday - I started keto with eggs and bacon.

And tomorrow we are going over to the States.  Talia called last week and she/hubby were on their way to Sarnia.  We decided to meet for lunch in Sarnia.  Today I called her and said can we meet in Port Huron instead.  This is a bit more interesting then Sarnia as there's not much to do in Sarnia.  Thought we might do a bit of shopping in the States.

Challenge will be lunch.  It looks like it will be salad.  Just salad no chicken.  I have a fat bomb package in my purse as a spare save.  They help.

Jax gets to go to day care at the Ranch.  He will like that.  I have been taking him to the park in the mornings, and he's loving it.  We are getting time with other little dogs so Jax has someone to play with.  He runs and I can see the smile and light in his face.

There you go - as I said, not much happening!  

😅

Always Done

Not a new quote by any means.  But about explains what I was thinking.

I was talking with AJ the other morning and saying how that Brain with Dave Eagleman show we've been watching has been interesting.  Have 2 more to watch.  The other night we watched about Choices and how the brain is affected.  

Basically there is the emotions and the logic.  Emotions are here and now, logic brings us to the future.  (I know badly put, but if you can follow...).  So emotionally the chocolate in front of me is rosy, sparkly and exciting - and the logic of being slim and healthy in the future (over there) is dull, uninteresting and not pulling me.  The two parts are in the brain - and they light up, per MRI tests as to which one we think on.

Willpower is energy.  Using it eventually depletes our energy and we can then be less able over time to resist.

Now I need to go back for a moment and add in my feelings of late on no longer interested in going to doctors.  I have been thinking on that too.  About how I have always gone hoping to be fixed.

As I was explaining all this to AJ, I suddenly started talking about how I've always felt like I'm a 

That really hit me.  That was what I had been feeling for a long time.  Basically all my life.  AJ tried to say no.  But I said, yes - I have felt like I was no better then a piece of f*king sh*t on the bottom of a shoe.  Just scraped off in the world.  Big realization on that.  Came fast, came with tears - just a bit, got registered and clicked into healing it.  No long drawn out crying, gut wrenching emotions with it.  But just as powerful.

As I said all this to AJ I also registered I needed to change that thinking of myself.  To change how I thought of my body as that was why I kept going to doctors.  I kept going because I thought I was crap, maybe a doctor could find out what was / is truly wrong with me, fix it and I would be better and then be able to suddenly have that life is worth living hit! No doctor in the whole world is going to be able to fix me.  That is my job.  Only I can do that.  Hence the slow realizing the last few weeks that I need to stop going to doctors to find out what's wrong with me, and have them fix it.  I can fix it.  I know how to heal me.  I know certain foods hurt my body.  I know if I stop them - I will feel better.  And now that I know how I had felt about myself explains a lot.

I had to work the last few weeks on explaining to myself that I could stop going to doctors, stop being ill and accept being healthy.  That kept hitting a wall.  Be healthy?  Allow myself to be healthy?  Let myself do things to be healthy instead of ill?  Allow myself to heal the ill parts in me?  (including autoimmune/MGUS etc things)  I don't need to keep those illness or let them control me or define me?

I know it sounds stupid but thinking on that and letting myself be healthy is actually scary.  Afraid to do that because if I do.... then who will love me?  Who will I be?  Who will give me attention?  I will be nothing and unseen then.  I am picturing (yeah I know it's the past and I'm no longer going there, but it still reflects into things) how I cried when I was 9 yrs old and my father left us, or when I was 5 yrs and my sister was born and I tried to be limping foot attention for love.  I can see in the past how being ill got me a bit of attention.  People would A) try to help me or B) feel sorry for me.  So that meant I would be noticed, cared about, and loved.  

I mean how can one care about me if I'm healthy?  What is there about me that would make anyone care or love me considering I'm a piece of ...... that bottom shoe thing.

It hurts and is sad that I feel or think that way about myself.  Correction - have thought about myself like that.  No more.  Change it.  I want to look forward, not backwards.  Forward means I need to move into a different way of thinking about myself, my body, my being.  Still feel a bit blind in that but I do know what I have thought/felt isn't what I want to do/be anymore so I need to change it forward.  Even if it is scary, afraid to, unknown.

This all comes around again to the that Brain show.  When I was at RH and Dr T talked about how addiction was in the brain etc I came away, I realize now, with the belief that I was f*ked, never to be able to change my thinking (hence building on my then belief that maybe some doctor could fix me).  That it just proved I was a piece of crap and hopeless in my life.  Unable to take control or charge.  I mean - she showed how the addiction worked in the brain - it proved it.

The key that she didn't state, or I didn't come to understand, or wasn't explained well - was the part I listened to the other night.  Yes that's all basically true, but it's just two parts of the brain trying to dominate each other.  It makes future goal appear dull and therefore uninteresting to obtain when having a present in front me me option that is all sparkly.  What I can do is step back and realize what is going on - sparkly or dull choice and WHY they are sparkly or dull.  Knowing dull really is what I want makes sparkly, hopefully more manageable.  Guess time will tell whether this is true for me.

Saturday's Turkey

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I have no idea what we will be having for dinner.  I guess I should go downstairs and pull something - turkey breast probably - out of the freezer.

One of those days for me.  Just really out of it.  Think the only reason I got out of bed from my afternoon nap was because AJ's phone rang.  Everything echos in this house.  I had a rough night.  My stomach was so off that I thought about going to the hospital.  Ended up taking the old fashion things I usually take for my stomach - ph balance pills.  I'm stopping with the Precivid - that stuff just makes me nauseated.  Did help calm my stomach.... but so does taking the ph balance pills.  And those are natural ones.  

My chest has been hurting a lot lately.  It did stop when I started the Precivid.  But then came back about a day later.  So I'm thinking it wasn't all just stomach issues - that something is doing the chest pains and the stomach pains was an ulcer (since my stomach calmed quickly).  Makes me go back to wondering if it's food related - as in allergic.

Anyway.

I'm unfocused and wiped today.

So...... that's about it.  

Sugar Cube

Was watching a Science show yesterday that was hosted by Michael Mosley.  I like watching his shows.  He does a few different ones, medical, science, history....  Mostly all on TVO station.

So.... 2 things...

One:
He was talking about how people are actually made up of emptiness.  I thought that was so funny!!!!  Especially since I had stated the other day that I felt empty.  I guess I'm really being aware of who I am then.  He said that if you took every person on this planet, removed all the empty space, squeeze the rest all together EVERYONE squished together would be smaller then a sugar cube.  Man, that's a lot of empty space in us.  Might explain some facebook posts I read sometimes......

#2.  Pee.

Yup, Pee.  

He was talking with a scientist who was explaining - 

Hennig Brand, (flourished 1670, Hamburg [Germany]), German chemist who, through his discovery of phosphorus, became the first known discoverer of an element.

A military officer and self-styled physician, Brand has often received the undeserved title “last of the alchemists” because of his continual search for the philosopher’s stone, which reputedly could change base metals into gold. About 1669 he isolated from urine a white, waxy material and named it phosphorus (“light bearer”), because it glowed in the dark. Although Brand kept his process a secret, phosphorus was discovered independently in 1680 by an English chemist, Robert Boyle.

The scientist had pee in a bottle.  He took off the lid and Michael Mosley's reaction to the smell was hilarious.  Same after the pee was boiled.  What is really neat was when the scientist took the pee phosphorus chunk and lit it on fire.  He had it in a bottle and the colour of the the flame!!  I loved it.

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Yesterday was our anniversary.  We had a good lunch and a nice day.  Best... there is something that is able to 'work' again without a lot of pain.  Ok, nuff said on that topic.

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Joan emailed me the other day.  I was thinking of her.  Here are the quick emails. (have to read them up)

Try to meditate as often as possible.  I'm sending some positive energy for you.  Have a great weekend.

Hugs,

Joan

Good morning 

I've been thinking of you.  Just not sure what to say.  Not much happening.  

I don't want to look backwards anymore.  So turning myself around and facing forward... I see. ?????    I don't know what is forward.  (Or what I want). As everything I have (other then weight loss and some better financial stability) is what I've always wanted.

So I feel happy, content, lost, empty, unfocused, sad, peaceful, disconnected.  Disconnected from Spirit big time.  No interest.

That being all said..... I really don't have much to report! 

Have fun in NB. Enjoy Thanksgiving too.  Thanks for the email.

Hugs  K

Hi Beautiful,

How are you?  I'm leaving for a pychic weekend in North Bay Thursday morning.  Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

Blessings,

Joan

I thought about the meditating issue.  I decided I would attempt it.  I also decided to go back to the Diabetic Walks - started her with Maureen.  Was alone, but ok.  AJ said he was thinking next time to come with me.  That would be nice even tho I will walk at my pace - at least he will be there.  I took Jax to the dog park afterwards.  VERY windy.  So windy, he kinda pooped on his tail hairs.  Came home and into the tub.  After lunch, I found on youtube a 30 day mediating chant challenge.  Ok, so I started with day 4.  I'll have to look it up and find day 1.  Thought I would do that.  Maybe it will keep my head quiet for 30 days and get me into meditating.

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Figure too it's time to grow up.

ha ha ha ha  TA  😄😄😄😺

Oophs what was that?

Ha ha ha....yeah, ok, I noticed.  Some some reason I posted my Krystal's Colour post on this site the other day instead of the proper one.  No biggie.

Tomorrow is our 9th anniversary.  We are going out for lunch.  AJ was asking where I wanted to go for dinner..... I just looked at him.  He started laughing, and said you want to go for lunch right.  Yes.  I just don't want to do dinners anymore.  And I find by dinner I'm just not really hungry anymore either.  Like today.  For lunch we had a bun, 1/2 can baked beans, a baby belle cheese, 3 plain cookies and tea.  The thought of eating chicken and veg is ugh.  AND IT'S ALREADY MADE!  So it's not like I have to cook - just heat.  

Made a bunch of stuff yesterday.  Mini meat loafs, egg and scrambled ground meat cups, chicken (in there for dinner tonight...?), turkey.  All made and now frozen (except chicken).  Maybe I should just do a fast.

I've been using that Precivid.  Has helped my stomach.  My chest is so sore again today.  The waspy thing is back to stinging pain.  At least the stomach is better.  I went for that Pulmonary Test.... that was a waste of time.  It was signed off by NP Gabrielle, but needed to be signed off by a MD.  So they couldn't do the full test.  I called NP's sec - who later called me back and said the Resp. Julie had just signed NP's name to it.  There was another one if I wanted to do it again.  I had said it's been 11 months, I have chest pain, the resp. tech said I was breathing..... I had to hang up.  I wanted to cry.  I just didn't have it in me to listen to her explain or excuse the NP.  Not the first time she signed off on something she wasn't suppose to.  I don't care that Julie had put her name on it - NP was to check and be aware of what's happening with her name!  If that's the case - just let me sign off all the things I want without having NP both being involved.

I know I sound down.  I don't think I am.  I think I'm a bit lost and hopeless?  Realized too with all this health stuff - something major probably wouldn't change me or help me live life.  Whatever that switch is - it's been ripped out of me, tossed away, burned up......  That makes me sad too.  

Then, my friend Talia talks about how wonderful God is - I'm happy for her.  Glad to hear her blessings.  And I wonder when it happened.  Where did it go?  Why did it go?  How did it go? AJ and I continue to do prayers - but for me, it has the same energy behind it as if I was talking to a spongy wash cloth.  I just don't find any energy towards / in God / Spirit etc.  Believe?  I guess I still do, minus a lot of energy.  I still do say God please help.... But without much ump or hope in it.  That is so sad for me.

I know I've talked about this before.  I know God has been distanced in me for a long while now.  I just don't understand why, how or when it happened.  I don't know what made it happen.  And I don't know how to bring it back.  If asked, I'd say yes I believe in God/Spirit.  Yes, I pray.  Yes, I believe miracles can and do happen.  Yes, I can see in my life how much I have been blessed and protected and helped.  And yet............????????????

I read once that Mother Theresa said she was close to God once / heard his voice - something like that - and never felt him again.  Read that about a few others.  They felt God and then God was gone.  BUT with them - they kept the Light of God going.  I'm afraid my Light is burning out.  Must be why I'm so lost, hopeless and giving up.  Giving up on my health care.  Giving up on myself.  Giving up on my past (that might not be so bad on that one).  Giving up on healing.  Giving up on changing / or believing change can / will happen in me.  Trying to hold onto that $ millions, but.  

I don't see what I would like in the future.  Everything I have is everything I've wanted really.  Even skipping the weight / healthy eating dream, or the $$ dream.  My life is joyously what I want.  What else do I want to do?  What else is there in me?  What more do I want to accomplish?  (other then that weight/$$)  And if that weight/$$ doesn't happen?  My life is still contently peaceful.  I truly in a way have achieved all I've ever wanted that matter most to me.  Yet, I'd still like to achieve those two minor dreams.

What more do I want to do?  

Where do I go from here?