The joys of a cold. Not sleeping well, sneezing, blowing nose, and coughing. I'm coughing now. This morning I was laying there and I could hear my breath wheezing. As it got louder, I finally got up and took a few puffs from the inhaler. Hope this moves thru soon.
It snowed last night. Not much. Decided to shovel the steps off. Very light snow. Then I thought I'd shovel the bottom as the snowplow went by. At that point I figured I might as well do the whole driveway. I did it slowly, and stopped a few times. But it was nice and somewhat insightful.
I like to shovel snow that is light and easy. It's calming. I enjoy it went the sun is out and it's not windy, manageable temperature. Also like shoveling at night when all is calm and quiet.
As I shoveled I thought about health again. And frustrated at not being able to figure out answers. I keep thinking on why am I so stuck on not getting healthy? Why do I think I need to be ill? - Attention from others? But at this point in my life, seriously? Does it even matter about that attention thing? And how does money fit into all this? I tried to think how far back it went. I can see that I used being ill/sick/pain to get attention/love all the way back to childhood. I know at least age 5yrs. (when I limped for attention because my sister was born) I wonder if it was even earlier. Other thing I thought of was - did something happen when I was born that went wrong? I don't know why that keeps coming up. Like when the doc used the forceps did he damage me just enough on something that wasn't suppose to happen/be damaged.
My oldest nephew got his left eye just a bit damaged when he was born from the forceps. Not enough to really notice anything. My other nephew had the cord wrapped around his neck. (I was there for that one and saw). Were these things were universally planned? Do that affect anything anyways now?
I keep thinking I'm looking backwards (which is a place I really don't want to go anymore) for something very specific, and very specifically early. As in being born/just born/just before being born/less then one year old. After one session with Joan, after I got off the phone, I thought about my baby pictures and suddenly wondered if I was ''in my body'' when I was born. Was I even there? I still haven't pulled those photos out and looked.... I guess I should.
I got a few insights about health, some money while I shoveled: (nothing on the born/in body or something wrong though)
1. Can I be healthy and still ask/get help for things? Eg housecleaning, spa, organic foods, comfort
2. If I'm ill/sick then asking for help is justifiable because I can't do it/stuff myself. And if they help but don't like me, that's still ok because I'm ill and that's all that matters to get some help.
3. If I'm healthy and ask for help and they don't help -- then it's because they don't like me or want to help me. I'm not worth the help then.
4. Being healthy means I have to do it all myself, without help because I can't afford it or/and there's too much sadness/fear at being turned down/away.
5. Being ill justifies getting/having money.
6. Being healthy means I have to make/work for money/what I need or want.
7. I can't be healthy and still have a lot of money. Especially if I don't work.
8. Being ill means I can only have enough money to try/attempt to getting healthy.
9. I need to stay ill so I can justify having money come to me.
10. If I'm healthy I have to do things I don't want to do -- work, clean, do things for others because I HAVE to.
11. As long as I'm ill/struggling to get better people wont expect a lot from me, and I can be left at peace.
12. If I start to get too healthy or possibly become healthy, I need to to stop and go back to being ill / finding something else wrong with me.
13. If I'm not ill, then they will take away what little money I do have, and even if I'm healthy enough not to be in pain, it doesn't mean I can work/make money, so I can't get too healthy or else I'm really screwed.
14. There is no guarantee that the Universe/God/Divine will help me, in ways that I understand. I can eventually look back and say ok, because of A it lead me to C. But was it because of Divine helping me or because I had to do something? And what happened to B? (Which was easier, and what I thought would be nice to have/happen.)
I get just because this is what I want / want to happen, doesn't necessarily mean it's what's best for me, or what will happen / get. There are so many people who I read / know about that are super kind and they just seem to get so screwed over in life. I know, life isn't fair, and it will never make sense. (or dollars!! ha ha ha?)
Number 13 deals too with being 55 years old, not skilled enough anymore to find a manageable paying job. It's like the times I do feel much better for a while and then wham I'm hit with pain or fatigue. Being healthy means my heal issues are manageable on a day to day basis, and above all being healthy means I'm eating healthy foods / content with what foods I can eat and weighing 160 lbs!!!!
I think I could / can get healthy enough that my pains and fatigue would basically not affect me daily, but it would also take a lot of energy / daily planning / daily calmness to be able to maintain that type of lifestyle. It's struggling with realizing that I can/ could have that type of daily life and accepting being that healthy without fear or worry. Throw in the need to work, find some type of job, manage foods/house/AJ's health issues, deal with others on a daily basis.... that would flare me big time? I'm afraid to find out if that isn't true. I know me, sort of.
Came in from shoveling, wrote that down before I forgot it, and then needed to rest. Cough, cough, cough.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Saturday, December 29, 2018
ScratchyThroat
Past few days my throat has been painful. I've been spraying some stuff in my throat, using Lozenges, and taking Advil. Fatigued too. Dragging myself to do things. Just so tired.
I wonder if the stress over the cats at Christmas and being in different hotels.... I might have picked something up. Suppose to go for dinner, but Cate never called, and I just don't feel like going out. Not too hungry either.
Spoke with Joan the other day. Dealt with believing / trusting. What came up was when my father's mother came for a visit from Germany when I was about 4 1/2 yrs old. I loved her. First time I met her, she would have tea and cookies with me at my little table. She had time for me. She came because my sis was born, but she also paid attention to me. She was with us for about 4-6 weeks. She went back to Germany. That night I slept on the couch and was listening to a record. Mom said I could listen to it, and if I slept there, I could sleep there again the next night. The record was over, I went to mom to ask her to turn the record over, I wanted to listen to the other side. She just told me to get into bed. My father went and slept on the couch. I really did want to listen to the other side of the record. The next morning my parents were crying. I felt bad that I had slept in the bed and explained I just wanted to listen to the other side of the record. They told me his mother had died. She had flown home, and when she was home she had a brain aneurysm/stroke.
I know my mother had talked years later that my grandmother had come without her blood pressure medication, never was willing to go to the doctor to get some, ate a lot of red meat and sugar when with us. There were arguments also. She was stubborn apparently. But I loved her.
Joan said that when she left, she told me she would see me again. I believed her. And she died. I knew as a child that she was never coming back. She wasn't able to keep her promise. I didn't understand death, but I did understand / know that she wasn't going to see me again. That was the belief and trust. So we cleared all that.
My homework is to do a 2019 year plan. so that by next year at the end of the year I can check of the things that I did / got. Really need to find time to sit down and do that. And do some art. And figure out some meal plans...... Think I shall take a nap!
I wonder if the stress over the cats at Christmas and being in different hotels.... I might have picked something up. Suppose to go for dinner, but Cate never called, and I just don't feel like going out. Not too hungry either.
Spoke with Joan the other day. Dealt with believing / trusting. What came up was when my father's mother came for a visit from Germany when I was about 4 1/2 yrs old. I loved her. First time I met her, she would have tea and cookies with me at my little table. She had time for me. She came because my sis was born, but she also paid attention to me. She was with us for about 4-6 weeks. She went back to Germany. That night I slept on the couch and was listening to a record. Mom said I could listen to it, and if I slept there, I could sleep there again the next night. The record was over, I went to mom to ask her to turn the record over, I wanted to listen to the other side. She just told me to get into bed. My father went and slept on the couch. I really did want to listen to the other side of the record. The next morning my parents were crying. I felt bad that I had slept in the bed and explained I just wanted to listen to the other side of the record. They told me his mother had died. She had flown home, and when she was home she had a brain aneurysm/stroke.
I know my mother had talked years later that my grandmother had come without her blood pressure medication, never was willing to go to the doctor to get some, ate a lot of red meat and sugar when with us. There were arguments also. She was stubborn apparently. But I loved her.
Joan said that when she left, she told me she would see me again. I believed her. And she died. I knew as a child that she was never coming back. She wasn't able to keep her promise. I didn't understand death, but I did understand / know that she wasn't going to see me again. That was the belief and trust. So we cleared all that.
My homework is to do a 2019 year plan. so that by next year at the end of the year I can check of the things that I did / got. Really need to find time to sit down and do that. And do some art. And figure out some meal plans...... Think I shall take a nap!
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Post Christmas
I know, I disappeared. Just busy and gone for Christmas.
Went to my family on Dec 24 for dinner. Apparently no presents means presents for everyone! Not that I got anyone anything. We did get some nice things. Cousin and sis gave me stamp markers. Figured out based on what they gave that it would cost us about $500 for presents for everyone. Can't wait for that big winning lotto ticket to come in! Other then the present issue it was a nice time there. Cousin always cooks well. And I do like my family. Best was I had at the last minute decided to bring a Christmas danish - and my sister forgot to bring the cake she was suppose to bring - so at least there was a bit more dessert! I was so glad I had thought to bring it, it helped out.
We stayed at a hotel in Scarborough that was nice overnight.
Then went to Bruce and Nancy (AJ's friends) in Stouffville area for lunch on Dec 25. Again nice time.
Off to the Monty Carlo Inn in Oakville to book in. That hotel wasn't as nice as the one in Scarborough. Bed was too hard, and the bathroom fan too loud. Dinner at AJ's family (total of 48 this year) was enjoyable. I did have a good time there too. And the family cooks very well also. Like the potluck foods there always. Mostly chatted with my sister in laws. We got there semi-late, everyone was there already, and left around 9pm. I was wiped and the noise was loud. Had fun.
Most stressful and upsetting was worrying about the cats. Never left Milo and Star - them being new, especially Star, alone for so long (two nights) Princess, I was concerned about too. And sure enough when we got home Princess had a swollen eye. Gave her medicine and it's better this morning. I was super stressed more because I had arranged with Michelle for her to come over. She TOLD me she would come over ALL 3 DAYS. We have a camera. She never showed on the Dec 24th. I had put out enough food basically for that day and a bit. I didn't know how much they would all eat. By 10am the next morning I was ready to skip the friends and go home. But I called her (twice) Second time she answered and I explained I was concerned as I had only left one's days food. She went over earlier then she planned. Was going to go around 12. The litter was super full. The food had a bit of crunchies left but not much.
I cried and cried as I was so stressed. Had to wash off the make up and reapply it. Sent her a message to make sure they had enough food for the day/night/day and that we would be home the next day around 12. She never did go back over to check on them that day or Dec 26. I was better tho, so the stress was down.
What upset me most wasn't that she didn't go Dec 24 - but that she said she would, I believed/trusted her, and fed them just that much. The litter was one thing that didn't worry me as either they would go in or not. I have now 3.5 boxes! Maybe I'll get a spare for when we are gone.
If she would have said she was only coming Dec 25, I would have accepted that. I had even texted with her twice to confirm she was going to come, that she was ok with still coming. It was her telling me, and me believing/trusting her that caused me to stress. I just can't trust her anymore. She went on later to say she's not feeling well. But then she had told me once when I said just let me know if you aren't well and I'll figure something out, that she would follow thru by getting her husband or child to go over - that she wouldn't just not leave the cats. Well, I know now that's not true either!
AJ said we would buy a feeder for them to know that they would have food continuous next time. I didn't know if Star would eat everything at once or if there would be food left, so at least a feeder would dole it out per scheduled time.
Jax was fine. He was at the ranch and had a good time. Gets to go again next week when we have to go to Sarnia for AJ's appointment.
We celebrated when we got home on Dec 26. Cats liked all the toys, Jax wanted the cat toys instead of his two. AJ liked his presents, and I liked mine. AJ got me a calendar with the pets on it. Missing Star but the others were on it. Have to figure out where to hang it now. Other stuff was general, but nice - especially that he's paying for Joan sessions for a while. That was a super gift. I got him tops, cookies, general things. We didn't spend much (not counting Joan sessions). Both got lotto tickets in hopes.....still hoping.
Hope Christmas was filled with blessings for everyone.
Went to my family on Dec 24 for dinner. Apparently no presents means presents for everyone! Not that I got anyone anything. We did get some nice things. Cousin and sis gave me stamp markers. Figured out based on what they gave that it would cost us about $500 for presents for everyone. Can't wait for that big winning lotto ticket to come in! Other then the present issue it was a nice time there. Cousin always cooks well. And I do like my family. Best was I had at the last minute decided to bring a Christmas danish - and my sister forgot to bring the cake she was suppose to bring - so at least there was a bit more dessert! I was so glad I had thought to bring it, it helped out.
We stayed at a hotel in Scarborough that was nice overnight.
Then went to Bruce and Nancy (AJ's friends) in Stouffville area for lunch on Dec 25. Again nice time.
Off to the Monty Carlo Inn in Oakville to book in. That hotel wasn't as nice as the one in Scarborough. Bed was too hard, and the bathroom fan too loud. Dinner at AJ's family (total of 48 this year) was enjoyable. I did have a good time there too. And the family cooks very well also. Like the potluck foods there always. Mostly chatted with my sister in laws. We got there semi-late, everyone was there already, and left around 9pm. I was wiped and the noise was loud. Had fun.
Most stressful and upsetting was worrying about the cats. Never left Milo and Star - them being new, especially Star, alone for so long (two nights) Princess, I was concerned about too. And sure enough when we got home Princess had a swollen eye. Gave her medicine and it's better this morning. I was super stressed more because I had arranged with Michelle for her to come over. She TOLD me she would come over ALL 3 DAYS. We have a camera. She never showed on the Dec 24th. I had put out enough food basically for that day and a bit. I didn't know how much they would all eat. By 10am the next morning I was ready to skip the friends and go home. But I called her (twice) Second time she answered and I explained I was concerned as I had only left one's days food. She went over earlier then she planned. Was going to go around 12. The litter was super full. The food had a bit of crunchies left but not much.
I cried and cried as I was so stressed. Had to wash off the make up and reapply it. Sent her a message to make sure they had enough food for the day/night/day and that we would be home the next day around 12. She never did go back over to check on them that day or Dec 26. I was better tho, so the stress was down.
What upset me most wasn't that she didn't go Dec 24 - but that she said she would, I believed/trusted her, and fed them just that much. The litter was one thing that didn't worry me as either they would go in or not. I have now 3.5 boxes! Maybe I'll get a spare for when we are gone.
If she would have said she was only coming Dec 25, I would have accepted that. I had even texted with her twice to confirm she was going to come, that she was ok with still coming. It was her telling me, and me believing/trusting her that caused me to stress. I just can't trust her anymore. She went on later to say she's not feeling well. But then she had told me once when I said just let me know if you aren't well and I'll figure something out, that she would follow thru by getting her husband or child to go over - that she wouldn't just not leave the cats. Well, I know now that's not true either!
AJ said we would buy a feeder for them to know that they would have food continuous next time. I didn't know if Star would eat everything at once or if there would be food left, so at least a feeder would dole it out per scheduled time.
Jax was fine. He was at the ranch and had a good time. Gets to go again next week when we have to go to Sarnia for AJ's appointment.
We celebrated when we got home on Dec 26. Cats liked all the toys, Jax wanted the cat toys instead of his two. AJ liked his presents, and I liked mine. AJ got me a calendar with the pets on it. Missing Star but the others were on it. Have to figure out where to hang it now. Other stuff was general, but nice - especially that he's paying for Joan sessions for a while. That was a super gift. I got him tops, cookies, general things. We didn't spend much (not counting Joan sessions). Both got lotto tickets in hopes.....still hoping.
Hope Christmas was filled with blessings for everyone.
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Circle
Went to the healing circle the other night. It was fine. I wouldn't say I was in love with it. I did wonder why I was there. As in, do I really want to go back to this type of life? Problem is, there's not much else around and it's something familiar. In the end, I decided I'd go to the next one in January. I also mentioned to the one 'leader' about Hoponono. She suggested I lead a meditation on it. I laughed. She said yes, you need to do it! I probably will in April or May.
My little pussalin Star is hiding in the basement under the stairs. I checked. He's fine. He has come out a few times - looking for food I think. I have given him some food. I'm trying to hand feed him. He will be fine over time and come out more. Opphs. no, he's not in the basement. I went to go bring him some food and he wasn't there. He's upstairs back in the carrier in the orange room. Guess it was warmer then the cement floor. I sat and fed him a bit, and stroke his head. He was good with it.
I went to see Dr Christy. Basically my thyroid is so off. She said go back the the thyroid hormone as it has the T4/T3 instead of just T4. And although Walmart can't get it, there is a compound pharmacy they use that can mostly get it. I wasn't overly sure my insurance would pay for it, so I called the lovely NP Gabrielle. Surprise a cancellation for today. I went, I asked to go back to the thyroid hormone and that I could get it at the compound pharmacy. She asked about the other doctor - Dr Emily., the Diabetic Doctor that I asked her to send me to. I said I have an appointment in April - I'd like to be back on Thyroid Hormone. She agreed.
I called the pharmacy and explained the two and insurance. He was super nice and fine with it all. Yeah.
My saliva adrenal/hormone didn't come back yet so no go there yet. My Vit D is 76. the 'normal levels' is 75-200. I laughed and said well it's in normal levels. Dr C laughed too. Said well, yes, but..... So taking 5,000 of that. Magnesium up it to 400 iu. I'm most happy that A) being back on Thyroid Hormone, and B) getting stuff started and cleared up. As far as AIP she's ok with me starting Jan 6. She said about hunger that she would rather I eat something allowed then try to lose weight thinking. Just eat and heal first. I am working on trusting in healing and not focusing on weight loss.
***********
Know what. I started writing this the other day. Apparently I got side tracked and never got back to it. Must have been the twins!
Those two kittens are doing well together. Star is much more calmer and out of the basement. He's taken to staying on the downstairs cat stand. At least it's with us when we watch tv so that's good. He's still a bit confused about morning breakfast foods. Runs. But bed time crunchies - he seems to get the idea of going upstairs, and goes onto the chair in the mediation room. That's fine to be fed there. He's out of the way, but upstairs.
Yesterday I was so out of it! So wiped/fatigued. I couldn't even sleep during the day as I was spacey. Today is much better.
About it! Ta
My little pussalin Star is hiding in the basement under the stairs. I checked. He's fine. He has come out a few times - looking for food I think. I have given him some food. I'm trying to hand feed him. He will be fine over time and come out more. Opphs. no, he's not in the basement. I went to go bring him some food and he wasn't there. He's upstairs back in the carrier in the orange room. Guess it was warmer then the cement floor. I sat and fed him a bit, and stroke his head. He was good with it.
I went to see Dr Christy. Basically my thyroid is so off. She said go back the the thyroid hormone as it has the T4/T3 instead of just T4. And although Walmart can't get it, there is a compound pharmacy they use that can mostly get it. I wasn't overly sure my insurance would pay for it, so I called the lovely NP Gabrielle. Surprise a cancellation for today. I went, I asked to go back to the thyroid hormone and that I could get it at the compound pharmacy. She asked about the other doctor - Dr Emily., the Diabetic Doctor that I asked her to send me to. I said I have an appointment in April - I'd like to be back on Thyroid Hormone. She agreed.
I called the pharmacy and explained the two and insurance. He was super nice and fine with it all. Yeah.
My saliva adrenal/hormone didn't come back yet so no go there yet. My Vit D is 76. the 'normal levels' is 75-200. I laughed and said well it's in normal levels. Dr C laughed too. Said well, yes, but..... So taking 5,000 of that. Magnesium up it to 400 iu. I'm most happy that A) being back on Thyroid Hormone, and B) getting stuff started and cleared up. As far as AIP she's ok with me starting Jan 6. She said about hunger that she would rather I eat something allowed then try to lose weight thinking. Just eat and heal first. I am working on trusting in healing and not focusing on weight loss.
***********
Know what. I started writing this the other day. Apparently I got side tracked and never got back to it. Must have been the twins!
Those two kittens are doing well together. Star is much more calmer and out of the basement. He's taken to staying on the downstairs cat stand. At least it's with us when we watch tv so that's good. He's still a bit confused about morning breakfast foods. Runs. But bed time crunchies - he seems to get the idea of going upstairs, and goes onto the chair in the mediation room. That's fine to be fed there. He's out of the way, but upstairs.
Yesterday I was so out of it! So wiped/fatigued. I couldn't even sleep during the day as I was spacey. Today is much better.
About it! Ta
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Behind
Ah, I'm lagging behind again!
It's been busy the last few days. Hang on I just have to check what I wrote before. Ok, no, it doesn't look like I've written about what happened.
So, you know Milo has a brother. Brother Star was too scared to be adopted out when Milo was. Months later, they posted Star was adoptable. And I never heard anything else about it. Since getting Milo I have thought often of his brother. I would look at Milo playing and think - and say to AJ - that we need another one for him to play with. AJ would say he's fine. I'd laugh. But I could see another one with him. Same age. I would like ok, maybe in a few years.....
Then the other night I sent a question about Star. Nope, he wasn't adopted yet. I had a feeling he wouldn't get adopted. There was something about him that .... the picture doesn't look 'cute'. He has a reserved, shy, held back look / feel about him.
I asked AJ. He looked at me and said I had a choice either the wild birds or Star. In the end it was an easy answer. I'll be asking for bird seed for Christmas, Valentines, Easter, My birthday.........
The story on Star is, there were 2 people interested. An 18 yrs old which they thought no. And a mom with 3 kids - also very much no. Star apparently is special needs. Huh? He needs a home with other cats, as he loves to be with them, a home that is quiet and a home with not a lot of action going on. Maddie said that when we came to get Milo that she hoped we would take Star too, but he wasn't ready to go. In the end, we did take Star too! ha ha ha.
He's confused and scared a bit. He's much better then Milo was - he's not a puddle of kitten. He just sits beside me and looks around. Wonders about the hissing cats. Milo why are you hissing at your brother? And wonders about the dog that comes up to him. Jax of course is content with another pet. More food bowls to lick. Princess surprised me - she's not as hissy with him. I think they like each other more then the brothers do.
The brothers are so TWINS! Milo has a black blob over his right eye, Star's is over his left eye. Star is heavier then Milo, and a bit bigger. But both are black and white, with so similar markings. I love it! Had although I had an immediate love for Milo, with Star it took until this morning at 5am when I held him and felt his softness of heart. He's a lovely, lovely soul. I'm in love with him too now. He's not my baby like Milo is, he's my pussalin.
Today AJ had an appointment in London, so we booted it there. He's fine. And we came back home for my RA telehealth appointment. Basically she said my chest pain was more like a spasm. She said if the MTX wasn't working that she would change the meds next time I saw her. I have 5 months until then to get AIP working. I didn't tell her I rarely inject either. I do still take the MTX but it just fatigues and anxious me. Guess I will see what happens in the next few months.
Tonight I'm going to go to the healing circle. I think I can do it tonight!
It's been busy the last few days. Hang on I just have to check what I wrote before. Ok, no, it doesn't look like I've written about what happened.
So, you know Milo has a brother. Brother Star was too scared to be adopted out when Milo was. Months later, they posted Star was adoptable. And I never heard anything else about it. Since getting Milo I have thought often of his brother. I would look at Milo playing and think - and say to AJ - that we need another one for him to play with. AJ would say he's fine. I'd laugh. But I could see another one with him. Same age. I would like ok, maybe in a few years.....
Then the other night I sent a question about Star. Nope, he wasn't adopted yet. I had a feeling he wouldn't get adopted. There was something about him that .... the picture doesn't look 'cute'. He has a reserved, shy, held back look / feel about him.
I asked AJ. He looked at me and said I had a choice either the wild birds or Star. In the end it was an easy answer. I'll be asking for bird seed for Christmas, Valentines, Easter, My birthday.........
The story on Star is, there were 2 people interested. An 18 yrs old which they thought no. And a mom with 3 kids - also very much no. Star apparently is special needs. Huh? He needs a home with other cats, as he loves to be with them, a home that is quiet and a home with not a lot of action going on. Maddie said that when we came to get Milo that she hoped we would take Star too, but he wasn't ready to go. In the end, we did take Star too! ha ha ha.
He's confused and scared a bit. He's much better then Milo was - he's not a puddle of kitten. He just sits beside me and looks around. Wonders about the hissing cats. Milo why are you hissing at your brother? And wonders about the dog that comes up to him. Jax of course is content with another pet. More food bowls to lick. Princess surprised me - she's not as hissy with him. I think they like each other more then the brothers do.
The brothers are so TWINS! Milo has a black blob over his right eye, Star's is over his left eye. Star is heavier then Milo, and a bit bigger. But both are black and white, with so similar markings. I love it! Had although I had an immediate love for Milo, with Star it took until this morning at 5am when I held him and felt his softness of heart. He's a lovely, lovely soul. I'm in love with him too now. He's not my baby like Milo is, he's my pussalin.
Today AJ had an appointment in London, so we booted it there. He's fine. And we came back home for my RA telehealth appointment. Basically she said my chest pain was more like a spasm. She said if the MTX wasn't working that she would change the meds next time I saw her. I have 5 months until then to get AIP working. I didn't tell her I rarely inject either. I do still take the MTX but it just fatigues and anxious me. Guess I will see what happens in the next few months.
Tonight I'm going to go to the healing circle. I think I can do it tonight!
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Snickers
Ah, Snickers..... yeah, no, not the chocolate bar unfortunately. I injected MTX yesterday and I am so spacey, unfocused, and fatigued.
But I needed a bit of a laugh. So I'm sharing them with you!
The secret desire of mine;
So in the end:
Ha ha ha ha ha.......
But I needed a bit of a laugh. So I'm sharing them with you!
The secret desire of mine;
But AJ wont let me! ha ha ha
So off I went and did this:
And my Jax came running in:
So in the end:
Ha ha ha ha ha.......
Friday, December 14, 2018
Symbolism
The joys of dreaming. The other night I had a dream:
I adopted an orange cat. A woman said that the cat would cause me pain. I said ok. Thought great, not what I want, but I'm not going to get rid of the cat. I will just prepare about be aware about it. Thought that the cat might get out of the house, and hit by a truck or car. That the pain would be about the cat dying/getting hurt. Then I told AJ that we needed to get a house for the cat as we were in the States.
So we decided to buy a house in the States, even though we would still live in Ontario/Canada. I thought we need a person to come in a look after the cat when we weren't there, Found a woman to do this. Then I thought I need to find a dog walker. I realized after I hired the dog walker, that I had two women, and the other one could have done the walking too. But both said they were find with each other, and it was good.
AJ and I found a house, the front of the house had stairs going up. The brick was crumbly but the structure was fine. It was on a semi-busy street. When we went to the front door, there was an old man sitting by the door. He had a metal and glass ornament - big - which got knocked over. The old man said that over on the other street was where the low rent housing / welfare housing was. I could see the street which ours T'd to. Our street had trees on it. The other had housing/townhouses on it.
I said I was going to bring the ornament to the backyard, picked it up and went to the back of the house. WOW. I got to the backyard, and stood there in awe. It was amazingly peaceful and quiet. No noise from the front came to the back. It was so beautiful. Large old trees, green grass, shade, in the right hand corner of the lot was a flowering tree, like a magonila tree with big beautiful pink flowers, some of the petals were on the ground already. There was a hedge in the back that I went to look at. Between the hedges was a pathway that went to the yard of the other house behind us. It was a wide, unused path.
At first I thought, oh, I'm going to have to put up a gate/fence here as they must have gone back and forth with the previous owners. Then I thought, no, wait, I'll meet them first and see. I didn't want to put up a fence. I went to the path, walked between the hedges, and looked into the backyard of the other people. The sun shone down there, the back of their house had a glassed in porch, they yard was neat and clean. The house was ranch style.
I woke.
I thought about that dream during the day.
Breaking it down:
Cat/pain - Those I love can/will cause me pain, but loving them, caring about them is still worth that pain.
States - being in a place that is foreign / uncomfortable, and yet making a space in it to be at home in it.
The women - find, asking for support/help, even if I go to more then one person.
Crumbly front - What I put out to others / what I see or what they see in me
Stairs - climbing higher
Old man - wisdom / insight / awareness / being told or guided to what is around me.
Streets - Busyness in front of me, but that leads to others\
Welfare houses/street - we are all connected, society, others and differences.
Metal and glass Ornament - ? not sure but I know it means something, same as knocking it over and it not breaking - could it be financial?
Backyard - Spiritual / deep inside me, the peace and beauty of self. There are no words that I can express as to what that feeling was that I felt when I walked / stood in the backyard. I can't even get that feeling back. It was so beautiful and amazing.
Hedge - boundaries
Open path - connections with others
Gate/fence - holding back/walling off BUT then not doing this as I was willing to leave it - realizing I could connect with others of like mind.
Other house/yard - looking beyond, self, where I am, expanding, learning/seeing what else there is.
I'm sure there was / is more symbolism in that dream. But this is what I got at the moment.
Thought it was an interesting dream. And thought - finally a dream with some insight and direction. More then just a dream. Yeah!!!!
I adopted an orange cat. A woman said that the cat would cause me pain. I said ok. Thought great, not what I want, but I'm not going to get rid of the cat. I will just prepare about be aware about it. Thought that the cat might get out of the house, and hit by a truck or car. That the pain would be about the cat dying/getting hurt. Then I told AJ that we needed to get a house for the cat as we were in the States.
So we decided to buy a house in the States, even though we would still live in Ontario/Canada. I thought we need a person to come in a look after the cat when we weren't there, Found a woman to do this. Then I thought I need to find a dog walker. I realized after I hired the dog walker, that I had two women, and the other one could have done the walking too. But both said they were find with each other, and it was good.
AJ and I found a house, the front of the house had stairs going up. The brick was crumbly but the structure was fine. It was on a semi-busy street. When we went to the front door, there was an old man sitting by the door. He had a metal and glass ornament - big - which got knocked over. The old man said that over on the other street was where the low rent housing / welfare housing was. I could see the street which ours T'd to. Our street had trees on it. The other had housing/townhouses on it.
I said I was going to bring the ornament to the backyard, picked it up and went to the back of the house. WOW. I got to the backyard, and stood there in awe. It was amazingly peaceful and quiet. No noise from the front came to the back. It was so beautiful. Large old trees, green grass, shade, in the right hand corner of the lot was a flowering tree, like a magonila tree with big beautiful pink flowers, some of the petals were on the ground already. There was a hedge in the back that I went to look at. Between the hedges was a pathway that went to the yard of the other house behind us. It was a wide, unused path.
At first I thought, oh, I'm going to have to put up a gate/fence here as they must have gone back and forth with the previous owners. Then I thought, no, wait, I'll meet them first and see. I didn't want to put up a fence. I went to the path, walked between the hedges, and looked into the backyard of the other people. The sun shone down there, the back of their house had a glassed in porch, they yard was neat and clean. The house was ranch style.
I woke.
I thought about that dream during the day.
Breaking it down:
Cat/pain - Those I love can/will cause me pain, but loving them, caring about them is still worth that pain.
States - being in a place that is foreign / uncomfortable, and yet making a space in it to be at home in it.
The women - find, asking for support/help, even if I go to more then one person.
Crumbly front - What I put out to others / what I see or what they see in me
Stairs - climbing higher
Old man - wisdom / insight / awareness / being told or guided to what is around me.
Streets - Busyness in front of me, but that leads to others\
Welfare houses/street - we are all connected, society, others and differences.
Metal and glass Ornament - ? not sure but I know it means something, same as knocking it over and it not breaking - could it be financial?
Backyard - Spiritual / deep inside me, the peace and beauty of self. There are no words that I can express as to what that feeling was that I felt when I walked / stood in the backyard. I can't even get that feeling back. It was so beautiful and amazing.
Hedge - boundaries
Open path - connections with others
Gate/fence - holding back/walling off BUT then not doing this as I was willing to leave it - realizing I could connect with others of like mind.
Other house/yard - looking beyond, self, where I am, expanding, learning/seeing what else there is.
I'm sure there was / is more symbolism in that dream. But this is what I got at the moment.
Thought it was an interesting dream. And thought - finally a dream with some insight and direction. More then just a dream. Yeah!!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Working Away
I decided to do that AIP strict - starting January 6/19. So that means, cleaning out the kitchen etc. I've been working away at things. Cleaned out the basement foods, and a couple of cupboards upstairs. I need to get to the spices. But then again, I just need to plainly get to the spices. I have spices in the cupboard for years. Spices I just don't use. I think I'm going to use them, but just go back to the plain old usual ones. This is a good reason now to get out all those old, old spices that have no flavour anyway.
Weather has been nice. Been to the dog park yesterday and today. Finally got there early enough to see Wendy. She's having trouble with pensions/money/changes etc that is no surprise. One would think when someone dies, it would be manageable to get things organized and cleaned up, applied for, received..... but no.
There you go. That's it for today. Back to working away at AIP. Oh, besides cupboards, I've been working at recipes. Downloaded about 50 pages! Talk about a exhausting hobby. Just love to get recipes. Guess the idea is - that there's always something delicious to eat. Just never really make a lot of them. Probably where a problem starts.... if I would just make the recipes, then I wouldn't be bored with the meals, and I would then stay on track!
Here's one from Paleo Mom
Weather has been nice. Been to the dog park yesterday and today. Finally got there early enough to see Wendy. She's having trouble with pensions/money/changes etc that is no surprise. One would think when someone dies, it would be manageable to get things organized and cleaned up, applied for, received..... but no.
There you go. That's it for today. Back to working away at AIP. Oh, besides cupboards, I've been working at recipes. Downloaded about 50 pages! Talk about a exhausting hobby. Just love to get recipes. Guess the idea is - that there's always something delicious to eat. Just never really make a lot of them. Probably where a problem starts.... if I would just make the recipes, then I wouldn't be bored with the meals, and I would then stay on track!
Here's one from Paleo Mom
Pork Chops with Asian Pear and Caramelized Onion
The flavor combination of Asian pears, caramelized onions and pork chops is magical. Asian pears have an apple-meets-pear flavor with an apple-like crispness; they stay firm and hold their shape through cooking, which is why they work so well in this dish. Plus the combination of pork chops with Asian pear puts applesauce to shame! If they’re out of season and you can’t find them, you could easily replace them with Granny Smith apples.
I love that this is a one-pot dish. The addition of lemon juice at the very end helps to deglaze the pan, which brightens the flavors and also makes clean-up easier! Serve these pork chops with Asian pear with braised greens, Garlic and Lemon Roasted Cauliflower, or Roasted Brussels Sprouts.
To make this recipe AIP-compliant, substitute dried or fresh tarragon for the fennel seed.
Prep time: 10 minutes
Cook time: 25 minutes
Serves: 4
Cook time: 25 minutes
Serves: 4
Ingredients:
- 3 tablespoons lard or other cooking fat, divided
- 1 1/2 to 2 pounds thin-cut (3/4″-thick) pork chops
- 2 Asian pears, peeled, cored and sliced into 1/2″ wedges
- 1/2 large white onion, sliced into half moons
- 1 teaspoon fennel seed, ground
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- juice of 1 lemon
- 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
Directions:
- Heat 2 tablespoons of lard in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring frequently, until soft and starting to brown, about 7-8 minutes.
- Season pork chops with ground fennel seed and salt.
- Push onions to side of pan and add pork chops. Cook 4-5 minutes per side, until cooked to your liking.
- Remove pork chops from pan to rest. Add remaining tablespoon of lard and Asian pear slices to pan. Cook, stirring constantly, until Asian pear slices are heated through and starting to brown, about 4-5 minutes.
- Add lemon juice and chopped parsley; stir to combine. Pour over pork chops and serve.
Sounds delicious right? And easy to make. Now to make it!
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Correct That
After looking into Hope's Garden, I did apply for the art group. Otherwise it looks like they don't have much else for me. Thought about going to the eating disorder clinic but in the end - it's not for me at this point. I've done so much therapy on eating etc, I don't want or need to go back to childhood and drag all that up.
But what I did decide was to go back and talk with Joan. I emailed her and asked for a session. I realized I need to deal with this feeling of I want to be dead/ I don't want to live. Ironically right up the aisle of what autoimmune issues do. Attack it self. That need to destroy self, harm self, hurt self. I think there's something there that's very deep and needs to be removed. Hopefully with Joan I can get to it and clear it. AJ said to keep doing sessions, even weekly, with Joan so that I get it done/healed.
I especially need to deal with this destroy self as I have decided on January 6/19 I will do complete, strict AIP. I emailed Joanne and told her that I was willing after much thinking to do strict AIP and skip the keto part. I want to heal the inflamed and if I'm inputting things like eggs - which are a no no - then I'll just continue to be inflamed. Just do it for 30 days and see from there what I can add a bit back in. No coffee either!!!!
I have my face breaking out with the eczema. It hurts. I have been using that cream from the skin doctor, but it's not exactly helping as much anymore. So inflamed.
Christmas is part of why I'm holding off. But we have still food to eat - keto, healthy ones that aren't AIP, and we will be traveling a bit, and lastly Joanne needs to get the meal plan together, we need to talk, I need to shop.....all this will just run into Christmas. Looks like Talia will be getting the Duke's Mayo I have, as I won't be able to use it. I wonder if she wants it. Will be tricky to get it to her too. No way I'm going to be able to eat so much mayo before I start. ha ha ha.
I'm thinking too that the AIP will help with emotions and stress. That's good. Have to get back into painting too. I did finish one painting the other day. And think I will dance around the house a bit. Try to do those things to release stress. Not that I really have stress - I just emotionally/physically get it. Ugh.
Nice out today. About it for today.
But what I did decide was to go back and talk with Joan. I emailed her and asked for a session. I realized I need to deal with this feeling of I want to be dead/ I don't want to live. Ironically right up the aisle of what autoimmune issues do. Attack it self. That need to destroy self, harm self, hurt self. I think there's something there that's very deep and needs to be removed. Hopefully with Joan I can get to it and clear it. AJ said to keep doing sessions, even weekly, with Joan so that I get it done/healed.
I especially need to deal with this destroy self as I have decided on January 6/19 I will do complete, strict AIP. I emailed Joanne and told her that I was willing after much thinking to do strict AIP and skip the keto part. I want to heal the inflamed and if I'm inputting things like eggs - which are a no no - then I'll just continue to be inflamed. Just do it for 30 days and see from there what I can add a bit back in. No coffee either!!!!
I have my face breaking out with the eczema. It hurts. I have been using that cream from the skin doctor, but it's not exactly helping as much anymore. So inflamed.
Christmas is part of why I'm holding off. But we have still food to eat - keto, healthy ones that aren't AIP, and we will be traveling a bit, and lastly Joanne needs to get the meal plan together, we need to talk, I need to shop.....all this will just run into Christmas. Looks like Talia will be getting the Duke's Mayo I have, as I won't be able to use it. I wonder if she wants it. Will be tricky to get it to her too. No way I'm going to be able to eat so much mayo before I start. ha ha ha.
I'm thinking too that the AIP will help with emotions and stress. That's good. Have to get back into painting too. I did finish one painting the other day. And think I will dance around the house a bit. Try to do those things to release stress. Not that I really have stress - I just emotionally/physically get it. Ugh.
Nice out today. About it for today.
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Therapy Eating
Had an appointment with Jerilyn today. Talked with her about going to the naturopath (Dr Christy) and that she was able to get some results started.
Dr Christy had a cancelled appointment on Tuesday, called me, and yes I could come. AJ decided in the end to come with me. That made me happy. I could have gone on my own, and been fine, but it was nice that AJ came with me. We ended up spending the day in London because of it. Jax was at Tail Waggin.
With regards to my chest pain - she thought it might be esophagus inflamed. She suggested to take some Prednisone (as I had said I felt I would need to do an injection as I had burning plan) instead of MTX as it would work faster and then I would know if my chest etc eased up it is inflamed. And she gave me some powder (can't remember name at the moment) to help heal the esophagus. Results of that is today my chest/esophagus hurts, not as much pain, and more painful when I eat. So it probably is inflamed.
Next she couldn't understand why I never got blood work done on my hormones - instead of just giving me Vagifem without following up somehow. She thought too that I needed some progesterone and maybe testosterone. She does saliva testing instead of blood work on hormones. I agreed to do the testing. I knew there would be a cost and was prepared for that. She also is doing the cortisol along with hormones. So that was dealt with too.
Then she dealt with my thyroid. She she would get the results on that too and see what needs to be done. Check that off the list too.
And finally, weight and food and eating. She thought I needed more along the line of autoimmune protocol diet instead of keto. I've done that one before. Couldn't really say with it. She wasn't going to spend time doing a food plan with me, but she had a nutritionist that she referred to - Joanne, if I want more time and help with food/eating etc. Yes, please.
Spent 1 1/2 hours talking about everything.
Lastly she commented that she thought I might have some MTHFR. I said yes! I thought so too.
We left, and I felt that I finally after this long year, that I was getting somewhere that might be helpful, and get me better balanced health wise.
I called and talked with Joanne. I explained my history and said I wasn't sure I could last on AIP but if it was added with dairy free Keto and mix in some Paleo. I could probably last better - and I am looking long term for something that I can last on. She was going to send me some paper work, I'd send it back, and we would talk again next week. Sounds good.
Then talking with Jerilyn today I explained how I felt frustrated with medical issues and results. That I went to Dr Christy - how she was able to get somewhere within the 1 1/2 hours too. Jerilyn will probably say something to Gabrielle, even though she shouldn't as I'm talking with her and it should be a safe place.
I talked to that I felt I was really having an issue with my relationship with food/eating. That I didn't want to think about food/eat and that causes issues of not cooking etc. Thought talking with an Eating Disorder clinic might be helpful, but that needs a referral. Think I will have to keep working on it myself as best I can.
In the end, we spent the rest of the day doing a bit of shopping, wandering in Indigo - ended up ordering the books on Amazon as they were much more cheaper. Did buy a few books and a calendar. Weather was good, so all in all - a lovely day!!
Dr Christy had a cancelled appointment on Tuesday, called me, and yes I could come. AJ decided in the end to come with me. That made me happy. I could have gone on my own, and been fine, but it was nice that AJ came with me. We ended up spending the day in London because of it. Jax was at Tail Waggin.
With regards to my chest pain - she thought it might be esophagus inflamed. She suggested to take some Prednisone (as I had said I felt I would need to do an injection as I had burning plan) instead of MTX as it would work faster and then I would know if my chest etc eased up it is inflamed. And she gave me some powder (can't remember name at the moment) to help heal the esophagus. Results of that is today my chest/esophagus hurts, not as much pain, and more painful when I eat. So it probably is inflamed.
Next she couldn't understand why I never got blood work done on my hormones - instead of just giving me Vagifem without following up somehow. She thought too that I needed some progesterone and maybe testosterone. She does saliva testing instead of blood work on hormones. I agreed to do the testing. I knew there would be a cost and was prepared for that. She also is doing the cortisol along with hormones. So that was dealt with too.
Then she dealt with my thyroid. She she would get the results on that too and see what needs to be done. Check that off the list too.
And finally, weight and food and eating. She thought I needed more along the line of autoimmune protocol diet instead of keto. I've done that one before. Couldn't really say with it. She wasn't going to spend time doing a food plan with me, but she had a nutritionist that she referred to - Joanne, if I want more time and help with food/eating etc. Yes, please.
Spent 1 1/2 hours talking about everything.
Lastly she commented that she thought I might have some MTHFR. I said yes! I thought so too.
We left, and I felt that I finally after this long year, that I was getting somewhere that might be helpful, and get me better balanced health wise.
I called and talked with Joanne. I explained my history and said I wasn't sure I could last on AIP but if it was added with dairy free Keto and mix in some Paleo. I could probably last better - and I am looking long term for something that I can last on. She was going to send me some paper work, I'd send it back, and we would talk again next week. Sounds good.
Then talking with Jerilyn today I explained how I felt frustrated with medical issues and results. That I went to Dr Christy - how she was able to get somewhere within the 1 1/2 hours too. Jerilyn will probably say something to Gabrielle, even though she shouldn't as I'm talking with her and it should be a safe place.
I talked to that I felt I was really having an issue with my relationship with food/eating. That I didn't want to think about food/eat and that causes issues of not cooking etc. Thought talking with an Eating Disorder clinic might be helpful, but that needs a referral. Think I will have to keep working on it myself as best I can.
In the end, we spent the rest of the day doing a bit of shopping, wandering in Indigo - ended up ordering the books on Amazon as they were much more cheaper. Did buy a few books and a calendar. Weather was good, so all in all - a lovely day!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Start of $$
We went to AJ's brother for AJ to play poker with his family. It was a good night. AJ won $18. Which I got. Kind of him. With that money, we give $10 to K9 Rescue - Tail Waggin (where we put and picked up Jax for the night) is raising money for them and are having a raffle. Also bought some coffee. Rest of $4 is in my wallet for coffees.
The trip was good. Weather was foggy, but dry. At first I wanted to go home when they finished, but ended up staying. His brother/wife are nice. I like them. They made breakfast for us too (eggs, bacon, coffee, bagels) Off we went home. Jax did well at the kennel. no coughing during the night. Glad about that.
The cats were fine too. Happy to have us home - to feed them! ha ha ha.
We went to get some groceries the other day after going for lunch at Wendy's. AJ said he should have brought his lotto tickets. I had some so I went to check them. $$$$$$ Well, ok not millions - YET - but had 5 numbers which netted us a whole total of $102.60.
That pays for the repair of my bracelet, and the massage I got from Cate (with oils). It did make me smile and feel so grateful. I was so thrilled to win that money. Now to just get a ticket with ALL the numbers together!!!
Speaking of happy and laugh. I have for some reason on facebook a site that comes up, it's called Be Happy. I don't recall clicking it to join, but I've had it coming up off and on for about a month or so. I don't mind it. It has cute things on it. The other day it had something that just made me laugh. It just struck me as funny.
T Rex Snowball Fight
Hopefully I did that right, and you can see it. I found it again on YouTube and able to link it.
It was just a strange thing to see. And made me laugh. Hope it gives you a chuckle too.
The trip was good. Weather was foggy, but dry. At first I wanted to go home when they finished, but ended up staying. His brother/wife are nice. I like them. They made breakfast for us too (eggs, bacon, coffee, bagels) Off we went home. Jax did well at the kennel. no coughing during the night. Glad about that.
The cats were fine too. Happy to have us home - to feed them! ha ha ha.
We went to get some groceries the other day after going for lunch at Wendy's. AJ said he should have brought his lotto tickets. I had some so I went to check them. $$$$$$ Well, ok not millions - YET - but had 5 numbers which netted us a whole total of $102.60.
That pays for the repair of my bracelet, and the massage I got from Cate (with oils). It did make me smile and feel so grateful. I was so thrilled to win that money. Now to just get a ticket with ALL the numbers together!!!
Speaking of happy and laugh. I have for some reason on facebook a site that comes up, it's called Be Happy. I don't recall clicking it to join, but I've had it coming up off and on for about a month or so. I don't mind it. It has cute things on it. The other day it had something that just made me laugh. It just struck me as funny.
T Rex Snowball Fight
Hopefully I did that right, and you can see it. I found it again on YouTube and able to link it.
It was just a strange thing to see. And made me laugh. Hope it gives you a chuckle too.
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Let Loose
Something occurred to me was I rambled along with that email to Joan. I noticed how I stated that I would start something, do well, kinda flow as long as there would be no stress or too hard to do/continue, and then boom suddenly just stop. Nothing really has to happen for me to stop. If it's too hard to do then I get that I stop - even though working thru it would be an answer too. But even if things are going well and easy, like Keto. Seriously I find keto basically easy to flow with, so why did I just wake up, have keto breakfast and then that was it, I just didn't do it.
Why?
There's something for me to explore. Or not.
Another thought I had today was about emotions. I noticed when AJ hugged me that there was a part of me that held it together emotionally. I wasn't able to just let the feeling of joy overcome me. Stepping back from that I was able to see how much I hold joyful, light, fun feelings down in me so that I don't express them. And then I probably eat because it hurts not to let them out.
There's nothing wrong with feeling joy, light, fun, happy but I do notice how those feelings I will not explode out. Will only allow bits of them to come out and be expressed. I know I feel them. It's like watching a funny show. AJ will be laughing away. I will be amused by it, but will not let the laugh out. It's like I'm not allowed to show those emotions. Where exactly did that come from?
There is a part of me, when I think on that, see me as a child. So I do know that comes from there - sense that when I would express joy it would bring about trouble for me in some way. There wasn't much to let those emotions be expressed, and as I think on it, it makes me realize too that holding / not showing any emotions or feelings was safer. I had to distance myself from what I felt so that pain wouldn't follow or happen.
Let loose.
Immediately makes me think of I need a drink.
Let loose without alcohol? I don't know if I can.
Let loose without alcohol? I don't know if I can.
Bing. Was so much easier when I was able to drink, and be slim to laugh, joke, smile.
I wonder if I don't eat, and I don't let a laugh out.....I go back to eating to suppress those emotions. 55 years of joyful emotions learnt (or is that learned) to be held down, held back.
Guess I'm going to have to work at at least giggling daily. Work thru that fear. Just do something little so that it's not too hard. Otherwise I end up back at the beginning of this post and suddenly just stop.
Wait. Are the two connected?
Because I can see I will get use to giggling daily, looking for things, realize I'm doing it and boom - stop. And as far as laughing/giggling goes - Milo makes me laugh almost daily. He makes me smile. I just can't stop smiling or giggling when he just wanders kitten like around. Such a busy little boy. Maybe why I want another one too. Seeing them play brings out the joy so much that I can't control or hold in that smile. Another kitten would continue to pull those smiles out.
Now that I know that.
Something to work on?
Something to change?
Something to drink over?
Something to eat over?
Maybe another kitten is the best way to avoid those feelings....
Something to drink over?
Something to eat over?
Maybe another kitten is the best way to avoid those feelings....
Friday, November 30, 2018
Confuses Me
Good Morning,
How are things going?
Hugs,
Joan
That's nice that she sent me an email. So I decided to respond - and say what I was feeling and thinking on. Nicely sums up what's been going on in my noggin lately.
Hi!
I'm wondering about the bits. Hahaha 
There were a lot of bits in the last email and I wonder how bit full I really am.
Actually I feel ? I don't want to keep bothering you with everything especially since I feel I'm still at the basically same point when I started. I wonder sometimes if that's the point. I am to be like this - overweight, sick on foods that I can only stop for a while before I go back to them, ending up spending money on hopes of fixing things that just end up costing me money instead. I keep rolling in the same answers yet just can't get it. And yet I still can't not stop looking for a change that might not ever come or be the answer.
Then I think ok, stop, do different......and I A) can't think of what would different be. B). Any different I can think costs more money then I have which rolls into C) me ending up in the same ditch.
I've been thinking about my life. Younger me (YMe) believed change in me WOULD happen. YMe just thought all I needed was the answer, be happier, more positive. YMe believed without a doubt in God, in Energy, in that somehow life would provide me different. YMe thought that even if I can't do it myself, the Universe would bring it/change/success in my long term goals (perm healthy weight/peaceful food relationship/financial comfort). YMe wanted to help others. (That really isn't something I can do consistently now). YMe knew change would happen just right around the next corner.....
There are no more corners to look for or around.
God/Universe is gone. (Which makes me laugh as habit continues to have me talk to God....but now with resigned emptiness in answers. That super stresses me when what I'm asking is things like Jax get better or AJ safe flight - as things will BE no matter what I say. Either Jax gets better or not. Either AJ's flight is safe or not. My asking just makes me aware of my asking. Not the outcome. I just need to work with the outcomes, try to be happy with them.)
In the end..... YMe wanted to be loved and happy. That for today is basically where I am. So why bother with the other goals and dreams? Today I have a house, food, husband, pets. Tomorrow there might not be the $ to have them, so why bother trying? If/when the day that the money is gone, that I am in a moomoo drugged on pain pills, out on the streets....my only concern will be was I able to save my pets and get them to safety? AJ will make it without me or be gone at that point.
Probably why I'm so wanting another cat. After Moonbeam died it was never any more. Now with the new little Milo, I keep saying we need another one to keep him company as the dog and cat we have don't want to cuddle with him....and he wants to cuddle/sleep with some pet. More pets will not make moving out of this house and into a condo easy. And if I can't get my health under control we might have to sell. Having another cat will keep me here and present. And costing... Hahaha
I really wish I could save another one. Give another cat love that it deserves.
Where we would go ????? As we really don't have the money for any safe move/home that is better then where we are now. So no more pets!!!!!
It's foolish and naive for me think or believe that I can/will get what I want just because I decide I want it. Life isn't fair. And in me there is nothing that has the ability to move forward - pull up my big pants, deal with it and do what I need to do. I have looked long for that "ability". Even YMe never had it - that's why she believed so much in God - she needed something/one to help her thru life. Guess they got tired or I got exhausted creating that energy. YMe wanted to be a good employee and work and get those goals/dreams. (Had so many when I was younger). But even then after a while, I just couldn't be a great employee...or even a good one. No matter how much I wanted to be one.
It saddens me when I think of a supervisor I had that fought for me because he believed the underdog could come out on top....I just proved him wrong in the long run. When he retired he barely spoke to me and I understood justified why. Yet it wasn't how I wanted ME to turn out. I wanted to succeed! To prove him right. To rejoice in his faith in me.
Such is my life. Wanting to succeed, just not having it in me to do what I would need to do, fail, and wander around trying again and again. I lost the ability to believe, to hope.
Today is a good day. Jax is better, AJ will fly safe (or not), I will go get lunch, come home and turn up the heat, wait for AJ. I am happy today. It's all I got.
Ta
Then I added another email with: FYI
I'm really not depressed more just whatever....and seriously amused by my pets, especially the little one! 
Surprisingly, I got an email back from Joan on my FYI email:
Yay, I'm happy for you. Have a great day.
THAT leaves me confused. Not so much as a response to the FYI, but did the other email go thru? Did she read the other email? Are there any thoughts or comments on the other email?
Guess in the end, chalk it up to just another random thing in life with no real answer given. And to be fair - I don't even know if there is any response able to be given to that other email. So let me find that little Milo and be amused.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
High Anxigzi
Other night with the snow and rain coming down, and we getting ready for bed... told AJ maybe he should go to the airport by taxi. So he called them for pick up in the morning. My anxiety was so high that day/night. Next morning still up there. I really struggled to keep it in line. Even did that anxiety coping skill.
COPING SKILL SPOTLIGHT: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 GROUNDING TECHNIQUE
HOW TO DO IT:
This technique will take you through your five senses to help remind you of the present. This is a calming technique that can help you get through tough or stressful situations.
Take a deep belly breath to begin.
5 - LOOK: Look around for 5 things that you can see, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I see the computer, I see the cup, I see the picture frame.
4 - FEEL: Pay attention to your body and think of 4 things that you can feel, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I feel my feet warm in my socks, I feel the hair on the back of my neck, or I feel the pillow I am sitting on.
3 - LISTEN: Listen for 3 sounds. It could be the sound of traffic outside, the sound of typing or the sound of your tummy rumbling. Say the three things out loud.
2 - SMELL: Say two things you can smell. If you’re allowed to, it’s okay to move to another spot and sniff something. If you can’t smell anything at the moment or you can’t move, then name your 2 favorite smells.
1 - TASTE: Say one thing you can taste. It may be the toothpaste from brushing your teeth, or a mint from after lunch. If you can’t taste anything, then say your favorite thing to taste.
Take another deep belly breath to end.
I find that this skill is actually helpful. Tho I don't do it exact - I just do one of each. But then still - it's a focus on the present. There is a sense of calm that comes over me.
AJ went with the taxi next day. The weather was better, but roads were icy/snowy. Half hour later I went with Jax and dropped him off at daycare. Spent the day shopping in London. Or more like wandering stores. Found a few tops for AJ for Christmas, got my Moroccan oil for my hair - in the end that is really the only one I like the best. Found a book call Unf*ck Yourself. Humm sounds like something I need to do. Basically get out of your emotions and live life. Will see if it helps. Was 50% off.
Funny thing was I past 3 - yes 3 - chocolate stores. Every time I thought nope - not the type of chocolate I like (Laura Secord, Rocky Mountain, Lindt). Was talking with AJ as he had gotten to his hotel - he laughed and said I guess you just need to go to the store and get the junk usual chocolates. In a way, they are what I like best. Simple bars. Found a few things - bracelet and massager - for AJ to give to me for Christmas. The massager is just a simple rolly type.
Picked up Jax. He did well but still rumbled a bit in his chest. I asked if he did that during the night if someone would be there. Nope. So in the end I cancelled leaving him there when we go to AJ's brother. I figured I would just take Jax and go to my mom or sis. Then as I drove I remembered the OTHER kennel. Tail Waggin. I called and spoke with Wendy - she said as long as he wasn't contiguous Jax was welcome to come - and yes, he would be with her during the night, so if he rumbled etc she would be there to talk with him. Bingo! I told her I would book him in. And then asked about Christmas days. Will book him in there then too. Have to cancel Christmas at the other place. I'd rather have Jax with someone there instead of just in a kennel during the night alone. So glad I remembered them.
Anxiety did go down during the day. Need to do the essential oils more too on the anxiety - at least remember to use them!
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