Cough, cough, cough

The joys of a cold.  Not sleeping well, sneezing, blowing nose, and coughing.  I'm coughing now.  This morning I was laying there and I could hear my breath wheezing.  As it got louder, I finally got up and took a few puffs from the inhaler.  Hope this moves thru soon.

It snowed last night.  Not much.  Decided to shovel the steps off.  Very light snow.  Then I thought I'd shovel the bottom as the snowplow went by.  At that point I figured I might as well do the whole driveway.  I did it slowly, and stopped a few times.  But it was nice and somewhat insightful.

I like to shovel snow that is light and easy.  It's calming.  I enjoy it went the sun is out and it's not windy, manageable temperature.   Also like shoveling at night when all is calm and quiet.

As I shoveled I thought about health again.  And frustrated at not being able to figure out answers.  I keep thinking on why am I so stuck on not getting healthy?  Why do I think I need to be ill?  - Attention from others?  But at this point in my life, seriously?  Does it even matter about that attention thing?  And how does money fit into all this?  I tried to think how  far back it went.  I can see that I used being ill/sick/pain to get attention/love all the way back to childhood.  I know at least age 5yrs. (when I limped for attention because my sister was born)   I wonder if it was even earlier.  Other thing I thought of was - did something happen when I was born that went wrong?  I don't know why that keeps coming up.  Like when the doc used the forceps did he damage me just enough on something that wasn't suppose to happen/be damaged.  

My oldest nephew got his left eye just a bit damaged when he was born from the forceps.  Not enough to really notice anything.  My other nephew had the cord wrapped around his neck.  (I was there for that one and saw).  Were these things were universally planned? Do that affect anything anyways now? 

I keep thinking I'm looking backwards (which is a place I really don't want to go anymore) for something very specific, and very specifically early.  As in being born/just born/just before being born/less then one year old.  After one session with Joan, after I got off the phone, I thought about my baby pictures and suddenly wondered if I was ''in my body'' when I was born.  Was I even there?  I still haven't pulled those photos out and looked.... I guess I should.

I got a few insights about health, some money while I shoveled: (nothing on the born/in body or something wrong though)

1. Can I be healthy and still ask/get help for things?  Eg housecleaning, spa, organic foods, comfort

2.  If I'm ill/sick then asking for help is justifiable because I can't do it/stuff myself.  And if they help but don't like me, that's still ok because I'm ill and that's all that matters to get some help.

3.  If I'm healthy and ask for help and they don't help -- then it's because they don't like me or want to help me.  I'm not worth the help then.

4.  Being healthy means I have to do it all myself, without help because I can't afford it or/and there's too much sadness/fear at being turned down/away.

5.  Being ill justifies getting/having money.

6.  Being healthy means I have to make/work for money/what I need or want.

7.  I can't be healthy and still have a lot of money.  Especially if I don't work.

8.  Being ill means I can only have enough money to try/attempt to getting healthy.

9.  I need to stay ill so I can justify having money come to me.

10.  If I'm healthy I have to do things I don't want to do -- work, clean, do things for others because I HAVE to.

11.  As long as I'm ill/struggling to get better people wont expect a lot from me, and I can be left at peace.

12.  If I start to get too healthy or possibly become healthy, I need to to stop and go back to being ill / finding something else wrong with me.

13.  If I'm not ill, then they will take away what little money I do have, and even if I'm healthy enough not to be in pain, it doesn't mean I can work/make money, so I can't get too healthy or else I'm really screwed.

14.  There is no guarantee that the Universe/God/Divine will help me, in ways that I understand.  I can eventually look back and say ok, because of A it lead me to C.  But was it because of Divine helping me or because I had to do something?  And what happened to B?  (Which was easier, and what I thought would be nice to have/happen.)

I get just because this is what I want / want to happen, doesn't necessarily mean it's what's best for me, or what will happen / get.   There are so many people who I read / know about that are super kind and they just seem to get so screwed over in life.  I know, life isn't fair, and it will never make sense. (or dollars!! ha ha ha?)

Number 13 deals too with being 55 years old, not skilled enough anymore to find a manageable paying job.  It's like the times I do feel much better for a while and then wham I'm hit with pain or fatigue.   Being healthy means my heal issues are manageable on a day to day basis, and above all being healthy means I'm eating healthy foods / content with what foods I can eat and weighing 160 lbs!!!!

I think I could / can get healthy enough that my pains and fatigue would basically not affect me daily, but it would also take a lot of energy / daily planning / daily calmness to be able to maintain that type of lifestyle.  It's struggling with realizing that I can/ could have that type of daily life and accepting being that healthy without fear or worry.  Throw in the need to work, find some type of job, manage foods/house/AJ's health issues, deal with others on a daily basis.... that would flare me big time?  I'm afraid to find out if that isn't true.  I know me, sort of.

Came in from shoveling, wrote that down before I forgot it, and then needed to rest.  Cough, cough, cough.