Whew

So after a very long day, starting with snowy roads, we are home.  And I'm off for a espom salt bath.  I ache all over, hurts to move.

My xray of course, came back clear.  No surprise.  But I'm still in pain outside, especially in the cold.  Don't know if I should go back to the NP about it.  Maybe I'll wait for the RA doc.

Jax is sleeping.  Daycare wore him out, and he gets to go again tomorrow.

And AJ.....he's alive.  He's going to live.  Basically the doc wants him on more blood pressure pills to bring his pressure down and that will help with the protein his one kidney is pushing out.  He also wants him to do blood work (which they did there, rats as I can't get the results myself then) for Benice-Jones CA.  Bone marrow cancer..... multiple mylomea ..... sound familiar???  Ha ha ha.  Yup, same as me.

Tomorrow is another long day, off to see the skin doctor.

I'm so grateful AJ is ok.  I'm so grateful it was not more.  I don't believe he has MM either.

Ta.

MeMeMeMeeeeeee

I read other blogs once in a while.  Most of them offer information, recipes, much more interesting lives then me I think.  I tend to post mostly, often, usually, ok.... all the time about me.

Sometimes I think I'm too involved with myself.  Life long issue then.

AJ is good with me.  He's amazing and patient and listens.  Considering how ill I can get at times, and how sad, crying, he continues to hold space (more on about hold space in another blog one day) for me to feel and heal.  I have always said AJ taught me to love and heal.  He healed a large part of me. 

I'm worried about AJ.

His blood work came back screwy as I mentioned before.  He was to see the specialist on Feb 6.  The doc called and canceled that appointment.  We see the doc now on Tuesday Jan 30th.  Someone is concerned about the blood work too I think.

What am I going to do without AJ? 

I can see that I wouldn't want to date or meet another man.  Just thinking of that makes me exhausted.  Too much work.  And besides, I am high maintenance.  AJ is able to do it, but I doubt there is another at this point.  

Annnnddddd now I continue, in a better frame of mind.

AJ was having trouble with his stroke side leg.  He's been struggling to get up off chairs etc.  That's been going on for about 6 months.  It concerned/concerns me as what are we going to do if he can't get off chairs/bed etc.  And what's going on?

He went to Toronto for his Director meeting (he volunteers) that night he was at the hotel and because he almost buckled during the day with his leg, he started sending light to every cell of his being.  Next morning, the waiter helped him off the chair at breakfast, but by the time he got home that night, his leg was feeling better for the first time in months.  Praise God!!!!  He says it twinges now, but is like his normal.

We had gone to the NP this week, she's sending him to Sarnia for an MRI on his back and legs.  Almost on Monday for Xrays.  Just to toss it in there, I'm getting an XRay on my chest on Monday too.  I had gone to NP too as my chest continues to be a bit of an issue when it's cold outside and I'm walking Jax.

On Wednesday AJ gets to go to the skin doctor.  That was a surprise that it was so quick.  We thought in would take about 3 months or so.  I guess because he had the cancer mole removed, the new Dr wanted to see him asap.  Friday we get the results from the surgeon from that removal.  Glad to be rid of that doctor.  He wasn't the most pleasant.

Really, I don't know what I'd do without AJ.  It would be lonely for me.  I tell him he has to stay with me, and say healthy! 

Busy

We've had numerous doc appoints and things going on.  I have started to write my post, but keep getting pulled away.  Now currently we are working at getting our new security system going.  It works, but we NOW find out we should have bought a more PRO instead of the older model. Ugh.  Sales people.....  At least the pro camera apparently will work with the older model so we are ok.  Can't bring the one we have back as it was fine, we got rid of the boxes, it worked, and then we realized we would like better motion.....

AJ has again numerous appoints in London.on Tuesday and now on Wednesday too.  Jax gets to play two days though.  ha ha ha.

Weather is nice and melty.  I'd think spring was coming....... and then remind myself that there's still Feb and March!

Sunday looks like a pj day - today we had another appointment even though it's Saturday.  So I'm hoping to finish my long ago started post, which I'm feeling so much better now, that it's a bit hard to get back into the reason I was originally writing it.  You will probably notice. 

I'll aim to post tomorrow.  Night! 

Inflammation Kills

My chest continues to hurt and be painful at times.  Not enough to really say I need to go back to the NP, but enough that I'm unsure whether I should call.  It concerns me.  Last night I struggled to sleep.  I couldn't and watched TV from 1am until 3am.  Then tried again to sleep in my lazy-boy chair, slept for a bit.  Got up around 630am and into bed.  Slept until 8am.

As I struggled to figure out what was going on, I kinda thought it is probably inflammation in my chest.  Then I thought about inflammation.  I read once that inflammation in the body can actually kill you.  

From honey colony:

Inflammation … is a normal and necessary part of the body’s repair team,” says Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, HoneyColony Adviser and bestselling author of From Fatigued to Fantastic, Pain Free 1-2-3, and Real Cause, Real Cure.

However, if inflammation lingers unabated, that healing hyperactivity can actually damage your tissues as it persists as chronic, low-level inflammation. A temporary state of emergency becomes a perpetual (and highly destructive) state of war.

“Chronic inflammation that continues over time is abnormal and is actually a disease condition,” Teitelbaum says. “It’s like your immune army never heard the order to stand down, troops are running all over the place, attacking everything in sight.”

Dr. Scott Gottlieb, a board-certified physician in pain management and anesthesiology with a private practice in New York, agrees.

“Inflammation occurs when our immune system essentially gets ‘out of control,’” he says. “It can be dangerous if not addressed or treated properly.”

Once triggered, this type of stress-induced inflammation can persist undetected for years or even decades, while the invisible inflammation causes cell death throughout the body. In fact, many medical experts believe that inflammation is at the root of 80 to 90 percent of all serious illnesses, including cancer, heart disease, obesity, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and painful “-itis” conditions like arthritis, diverticulitis, or cystitis (your bladder).

“Most diseases of the 21st century can be associated with inflammation,” Teitelbaum maintains.

This includes the “disease” of premature aging, as well. In fact, since inflammation contributes so greatly to deterioration associated with aging, chronic inflammation has been nicknamed “inflammaging.

Mostly the inflammation is about foods that the body is intolerant to.  The body just can't handle it.  And chronic pain/fatigue doesn't help.

AJ is really into binaural beats.  He likes them.  In youtube there's Good Vibes.  I went into it and found one on inflammation.

Whole Body Inflammation Pain Relief➤Binaural Beats+Isochronic Tones➤Inflammation Healing Frequency

Whole Body Inflammation Pain Relief➤Binaural Beats+Isochronic Tones➤Infl... Whole Body Inflammation Pain Relief➤Binaural Beats+Isochronic Tones➤Inflammation Healing Frequency #GV134 by Bin...

As I looked at the site, found others on weight, sleep, chakras etc.  I even found one to get blue eyes (or green, or brown).  Seriously!

Extremely Powerful Biokinesis 3 Hr- Get Blue Eyes Subliminal | Change Eye Color To Blue Naturally

Extremely Powerful Biokinesis 3 Hr- Get Blue Eyes Subliminal | Change Ey... Extremely Powerful Biokinesis 3 Hr- Get Blue Eyes Subliminal | Change Your Eye Color To Blue Naturally | Binaura...

Back to the Inflammation..... I was thinking I'd try listening to that binaural beat one at night for a bit.  Might help heal?

Photos

Quiet weekend.  Not much happening.  Very foggy Sunday with the warm weather.  Went to try out the Fire Junction for lunch.  Was fine, nothing to write more about.  Then drove to see where O-Joe coffee was.  They are closed on Sunday, but found it, so I will go at some point to try their coffee.

I did some creative art the other day.  We had gone shopping, and went to Michaels.  Found some cactus on sale, so I choose a few and came home to create:

I thought it turned out nice.  It makes me smile when I pass / see it.  It delights me.  ha ha ha


Here's some photos of Jax.  One with his Christmas Moose, other at daycare:

He's a cutey.  Love him so much.

When we went shopping at Michaels, we also went to Walmart and got runners for AJ and I found some lighter boots later at Tender Tootsies.  Of course the box came in handy:

Love them so much too.

On Friday we had gone to Staples to get a new tablet for me.  The old tablet (8 yrs old) was just too slow and would kick out of my games - just as I was finally winning!  We also got the security cameras for the place.  And then AJ wanted to go across the street to pick up something:

I love him so much.  Ha ha ha.  

It was so sweet of him.  He just wanted to do it.  And the rose of course was an added touch as I had said he was suppose to buy me one.  He really didn't have to, but I'm glad he did.

That's about all I have in photos at the moment.  

Rambling Thread

Woke up the other day in a 'sensitive' mood. At breakfast I asked AJ how he slept as it appeared to me he was restless.  He said he was wake for a long while.  He never had that problem before the CPAC mask..... but if he doesn't use it I couldn't sleep. (because of all his loud snoring).  He said the doc told him he had very mild apena.  Now this isn't the first time he's told this story.  I said so again you blame me, if it wasn't for me you'd be sleeping fine.  He said no.... I said you blame me, admit it.  No.....  I said you consider it my fault other wise you wouldn't say it like that.  I knew I was taking it over personally. But I also know that I'm right.  He wont admit it because then I would be right, hurt and he'd feel bad that I would feel hurt.  Even though at this point I think he needs it more then he did 10 years ago due to his age and health.

Then we went out and he started squawking about my parking, that I had parked too close to the line on his side.  Never mind that the lot is full of snow, the car beside me is off line.  I said so you blame me for the parking.  No.......  That was kinda the end of that.

I know I was already on edge and in a semi pissy mood.  Just one of those moments.  But still I would rather have a pissy day with AJ then no day with AJ.  I know when we married I wanted as much time together as we could have.  And when I got so very ill, unable to work etc, all I thought was it gives us time together.

When I was about 16-17 yrs old, I took the train to Toronto for an appointment with a physic who did hands/palm reading.  He was VERY good.  I wish I remembered who he was, and all he said.  Those journals are gone.  But there are pieces that I remember.  He said that if I had one child, which I would have very early in life, then I would have another right away.  If I did not have the first child, there would be no children in my life.....except there seems to be something about a girl in my 30's.  It's not my daughter, but something like that...fostering?  He wasn't sure.  He also said that my husband would get very ill, possibility of dying when I was around 62 yrs old.  And I would never have money myself, but could get money thru my children and husband, possibly my sister. Sister is never going to give or loan me money, and I have no children.  AJ isn't rich, but we get by ok.

About the children - almost had the first one, which would have given me the second one.  Never happened.  But in my 30's I did World Vision and 'adopted' a girl for about 7 years, until I got very ill, and we couldn't afford to continue that.

When we moved here, and I first saw Anne-Marie she said we would move in 8 years.  I asked if that move was us or me.  She couldn't see.  I had quickly added when she said that.  54 (my age now) plus 8 equals.......62.

AJ is a hot mess.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  

Looks like my blood work is coming back fine.  Still waiting for a few results, but the Metho is working, and I'm ok.  Good thing because if I was ill then it would be:
Me caring for me, and caring for the pets, and caring for AJ with AJ's help.

If AJ just ill:
Me caring for me, and caring for the pets, and caring for ill AJ.

And if it was me and AJ ill:
Me caring for me, and caring for the pets, and caring for AJ while me being ill......

AJ's blood work is coming back with highs and lows so much that I can't even begin to read them together.  We go to the doc on Feb 6 for the results.  Sounds like his one remaining kidney is having issues.

I want as many days with AJ as I can have, get, steal then spend any time without him, or not talking with him.  So even though I have my days, I do my best to quickly get over it because I know I love him,and it's really not worth it.  It's just a quirky issue I'm having at the moment.  Besides I know I'm right about the mask for him....

Learning about Empath

You knew this was coming right?  Of course I had to look up empath and find out more about it to see if it really fit me.

These are responds to Are you an Empath. website.

30 Empath Traits By Diane Kathrine:

1. Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.

- Yeah, sounds like me.

2.     Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums where there are lots of people around can fill the empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.

- Oh, God, yes!  Sometimes we drive home and I can’t wait to get home as I’m wiped, and ready to cry from being in a mall etc.

 3.     Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for empaths. To some they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from great distance.

- True

 4.     Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.

- Yes, AJ had to stop watching some shows because I just couldn’t handle them.  Even movies are difficult at times, or a stress in a show.  I will start going on my computer as we watch tv so that I can disengage from the emotion of the show when it gets too much for me.  Newspapers, sometimes I just can’t.  And some news info etc I have to leave the room.  AJ calls me when it’s ‘safe’ for me to return.

 5.     You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.

- And they don’t like it…..

 6.     Picking up physical symptoms off another: An empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains) especially those they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.

- This one I’ve learned to watch for and not ‘pick up’.

 7.     Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an empath, will almost always be ungrounded.

-  Ha ha, where my biggest weight is, front and back.  And the ungrounded, I just wrote about those rocks in the house to help ground me.  Stomach is always an issue.

 8.     Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an empath’s attention and compassion.

- Yes, and it will hurt inside me.

 9.     Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.

- Not so much as I tend to close off myself and be careful when I open to listening to others.  Though I do have a innate desire to listen and be there for others to talk to.

 10.    Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.

- Uh, do I need to say anything more to this?

 11.    Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions that empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It is a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something.

- Or any more to this?

12.    Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many empaths would love to heal others they can end up turning away from being healers (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily.

- Sounds exactly like me.  I’ve even written about longing to help heal others…..

 13.   Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.

- My art.  Be glad you can’t hear me sing!  Hum, writing a blog?

 14.    Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.

- What more needs to be said about this?  It’s where I love to be, and they are essential to me.

 15.    Need for solitude: An empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.

- Yup.

 16.    Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.

- Reminds me of when I was in school (and work) and how bored I would get, and thought I’d go nuts because I got so mindless numb by what I had to do.

 17.   Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many empaths get labelled as being lazy.

- Yeah, see #16.  Mom often called me lazy.

 18.   Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.

- This is so, so true.  I struggle when I can’t see or find the truth.  I just need the truth, as it says’ it just feels plain wrong otherwise.

 19.   Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.

- Ah, even this is looking for answers and knowledge.  I’m blogging about it!  I don’t like it when we watch a show and they don’t give the answer/or explain something to be a truth.  It’s frustrating.

 20.  Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.

- Yes, but then at the end of the day, I want to be home and quietly relaxing with my pets/hubby.

 21.  Abhors clutter: It makes an empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.

- So true.

 22.  Loves to daydream: An empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.

- Again, reminds of me school and just staring out the windows……

 23.  Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.

- Controlling the food….ugh.  Tell me a rule to follow and I struggle with it.  And the routine of work was horrible.  Wonder if that’s why the idea of regular volunteering also is something I don’t want to do.

 24.  Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.

- To be fair, some of my weight is because of overeating, but some not.  AJ often as said he just doesn’t understand why I’m overweight with what I eat, and all the stuff I do – I should be either losing weight/losing more weight or just not being that heavy.

 25.  Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.

- Yes.  Though this blog is a bit of a change as it’s all about me and my thoughts.  In general, I think this is one reason I have few friends, I don’t talk that much about me, but let them talk a lot of themselves.  Sometimes I think others can’t handle that anymore or feel something is off and stop wanting to be friends.  Or they realize I know the truth about them and that frightens them…..

 26.  Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.

- Yes, true.

 27.   The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.

- Never really thought about it in this way, but yeah.

 28.   Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.

- Funny to see that in writing as I thought it was just me.  And when we looked at houses it was one of the things that I was so aware of.

 29.   Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.

- Ha ha ha.  So true.  I wrote a while ago about looking at the chicken and not being able to buy it.  AJ understands when we stand there and I almost start to cry as I’m holding eggs, then put them back,  I just can’t take them.  Meat is such an emotional issue for me.  I have been fine walking into the store, then looked at the meat I wanted to buy, and not buy, leaving the store upset and not knowing exactly why other then the meat bothered me.

 30.   Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.

- Reminds me of work and having to smile and just not able to, exhausting.  Mom always said I was moody and to stop it – smile.  AA’s fake it until you make it…. No wonder I’ve hated that slogan – for so many reasons listed here.

So, this is today’s exciting learning lesson. 

Sunday's Call

I spoke with Jacqui on Sunday night.  Really did help.  So glad I was able to speak with her and get some insights from her.

About the dream - basically just a dream as a gift that the baby is ok.  She asked when I lost the baby, and I said January.  Which hit me, oh, yeah.  I thought later, it might have been February but still.  Either time is close to now and probably explains the dream, and it's been 25 years.

About Shame.  Surprisingly she said that I really didn't have anything that I hadn't dealt with except... she said this will sound strange but what's coming up is happiness.  No, that's not strange.  I totally can see being ashamed about being happy and joyful.  Happy and joyful are a struggle for me still.  When I had lost the weight I couldn't get happy or joyful about it, I kept feeling I needed to do better, I had to be hard on myself.  So the shame of happiness and joy will be something I will work on.

About the weight.  She said that my body remembers it, and as soon as I start, my body will go - oh, we are doing this, so we need to let this go/do this.  She explained as an empath 

Empath - Being an empath is when you are affected by other people's energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. ... You are always open, so to speak, to process other people's feelings and energy, which means that you really feel, and in many cases take on the emotions of others.

Being an Emotional Empath is a Rare Gift. Although the concept of being an Empath may sound like the same as being "empathetic or empathic", the two are distinct. Empathy is the ability to comprehend or imagine what another might be feeling. Whereas, the Empath can literally feel what another person feeling.

Dr. Elaine Aron from the Foundation for the Study of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP's) estimates that 15-20 percent of earth's population is Highly Sensitive. There's no official documented consensus on how many HSP's are empaths, but empaths don't need external evidence to prove something for us, we feel it.

Ok, continuing on - Empath.  I actually like that word better then physic, or over sensitive, or sensitive, or very emotional.....  it really does explain me better.

As we decided to move, I decided to say screw it with my weight loss program,  ha ha ha she's exactly right, and exactly right on the words - that's what I used.  I did this because I wasn't able to handle everything that was going on, and I was going to be very overwhelmed so I needed to let go of the one thing that was taking a lot of energy for me.  I hadn't finished with my program of weight, so it wasn't ingrained in me, I hadn't dealt with some issues about it (the shame of happiness), so to do all this and look for houses/move would have overwhelmed me too much to deal with anything.  Hence screw it with the foods/weight/eating.

The good thing is that it's so familiar and not far off, that I know and remember it.  Which I really do feel when I look inside.  I feel that once I decide this is it, I can and will do it, that losing the weight isn't that hard per se to do as I know what to do.  I just questioned whether I do it again the same way as that's the one thing I sorta don't want to do.  But the answer is yes - she said she sees powder as a kick start.  Meaning IP to start off with, for about 2 months, and then flip into low carb/Poon style afterwards.  I'm basically going backwards on it, and continuing what I originally thought of doing.  IP until the weight came off, and then go back to Poon/low carb to maintain.  Do breakfast/lunch/snacks as low carb and dinner regular then.  

Sighed about it, but knew she was right.  Helped to hear her say it, as I just didn't want to hear it in me.  I wanted to be able to just eat and lose weight.  I wanted to be able to just eat whatever and be content with my weight.  I can see some of me being content and needing to learn being content with my weight, but I just can't see me not being slimmer/wanting to do what I have to be be slimmer.  I just can't let it be with my weight and not have a corner in me screaming yeah but what about those pants????  

So when will I be ready?  She says she sees February 1/18.  As I asked I saw February too.

One of the things is that I'm still collecting myself from the move.  Being an empath I leave pieces of me.  Leaving is difficult and it takes a bit for me to balance out.  Probably why I got so ill over Christmas - I could feel deep inside that I was exhausted, worn and unbalanced.  I needed a break to recover.  She says empaths will be angry or upset for a while as they are gone from a place/person, that saying goodbye is hard because they leave a piece, and then it takes time for them to collect themselves again.  I can see that.  It explains a lot.  Explains why visiting my mother is exhausting for me - even if the visit was nice and pleasant and I feel good.  Also explains why I can't handle visiting someone sometimes as it's just too overwhelming with emotions.  Explains a lot period to me.  

I always knew I had trouble at times visiting/going places and couldn't figure out why other then I felt it was stressful just thinking of going.  This helps me understand.  Not that it gives me an excuse, just the understanding to help me know what is going on and then how to deal with going/ why I'm stressed, what needs to be adjusted if possible.

She said that I needed to put some rocks in the house.  The house felt good and I did a good job of cleaning the energies.  I think the rocks will help ground me inside the house.  She laughed when I said I had rocks from the old house outside that I could find thru the snow and bring in.  As long as I could lift them, they would be good in the house.  So guess what today's plan was....those rocks are frozen in!  Have to wait for warmer weather.  ha ha

That's basically the highlights of what came out of the call.  It was helpful, directional and uplifting for me.  Glad I spoke with her.  

As far as AJ - she said his right side adjusting/cleansing have to do with male energy.  And the more I am female (as in feeling female/doing female things etc) the more helpful it will be for him to bring his male energy out.  I said it was the other way around he's to be more male and I will end up becoming more female!  she laughed, said yes that would work too.

And I needed one red rose.  Said AJ could buy me a dozen!  No, just need one, can even get a photo off the net and look at it.  I still think AJ buying me roses is better.  ha ha  AJ said I wasn't much for red roses...  yeah but Jacqui said I need one!

It's A Dream

The other morning I had a dream.  I dreamt that I was pregnant, (but I was pregnant as in the past pregnant.  Meaning: in real life when I was 19 I was pregnant, I was also on a lot of very heavy anti-depressant drugs that had serious side effects, and I lost the baby).  So in my dream I was pregnant but I said to ??? that I didn't know if I should be pregnant as I was on medication and would I lose the baby again, but I really wanted the baby.  I said I was going to ask Jacqui if the baby was going to be ok.  I also said I didn't know if the baby was alive in me as I didn't feel it move.  At that point the baby suddenly kicked me. 

I felt it.

I mean, I literally felt it.

As in, from the inside of my non existent womb, I felt a baby kick me.

It was probably Princess walking on me at that moment and even though she walked on my lower stomach area, I felt it as it was from the inside as a kick.

It really felt like a baby's kick from the inside.

I then, in my dream, said I just felt the baby kick, he's alive.  I'm going to keep him.  I hope he's going to be ok.  As I was still worried about the medication I had be on.  I was thinking of the baby, of being pregnant, of having the baby, of the baby kicking..... I couldn't hold the dream and woke.

The dream still hasn't left me, I think because of the baby's kick and the feeling it.  Although I can not physically have a pregnancy or baby there is still a small core in me that longs for one.  It breaks my heart at times.  And I look at AJ and can see what an amazing father he would / would have been/be.  It hurts.

It hurts that I know years ago, when I was married and pregnant then that I was f*ked up.  Even though I was married, we were living with my parents in the apartment and my mother would have in time taken over my baby.  I also know the baby was a he.  I think of him over the years.  My mother at the time said she was ready to be a grandmother.  I was having issues with my then husband - we fought a lot.  I didn't really get along with my in-laws. Though they would have been the best ones to lean on with the baby - and might have saved him.  I was so sick between the medications and morning sickness.  Guess it was trying to get the drugs out of me. My body was trying to hold onto the baby...... until it wasn't able to.  I was numb and never thought about it as I couldn't, so I just put it in a drawer in my mind just like a lot of other things in my past.

I still cry over him.  I still cry over what I was like then.  I still yearn for my baby.  And those dreams don't leave me easily.  This was the first time I felt the baby kick though.  Never had that.

I know too that I probably wouldn't have been a good mother, especially since I probably would have let my mother control a lot of caring for the baby.  My then husband would have been an ok father, but our marriage would have been a problem, and we probably would have had another child too.  That's what we had planned - 2 children.  If we would have divorced with the children, it wouldn't have been that great either.  My children would have had a difficult life.

Being single there was at one point when I was 37 years old, that I told God that at this party I was going to - if I was to have a baby/child, then this was it - get me pregnant by anyone there.  It didn't matter who.  Of course, I didn't get pregnant, or have sex with anyone.  And I shut off ever being a mother.  At that point I would have been a better mother then at 19/20. But I still would have leaned a bit on my mother.  She was already a grandmother so that wouldn't have been an issue.  Maybe she'd include me now if I did succeed in having a baby then.

Being with AJ, the possibility is gone as I had the hysterectomy.  Yes, we could have adopted.  But we are too old and I'm too ill.  I can barely walk Jax at times - how could I care for a baby then?  And when I listen or see what children go thru these days at school.... my heart would break and stress every minute.  Even outside of school.  

I did a lot of therapy on it.  I know it is best how things happened.  I know this was my choice never to try again, or push to try.  I know it was my choice to have the hysterectomy (though I was having a lot of issues in there).  I know how my child would have grown up, and that scared/scares me - as in even way back then all those issues.  I know it's me that brings up the feelings of way back when I was pregnant and the baby.  I know I made choices, I'm not sorry how things turned out.

All that logic still doesn't override emotions at times.  And my emotions go back to the baby.