Have to see NP Lindsay on Tuesday for more thyroid meds so I'm going to ask about checking my diabetes levels too. Part of me wonders if I need to go back onto my meds. I do fine off them for a while, and then need to go back onto them. It's like I get good on them, get off, and slowly creep up and need to go back.
Sounds like my weight.
I finished that book by Jes Baker - Things No One will tell Fat Girls. There was a lot of interesting items in it, but at the end I started folding the pages so I could remember them -
page 157
When someone makes a comment about your appearance that you don't appreciate, you simply say, "Excuse me, but I'm a grown-ass adult and I am in charge of my own underpants. If I wanted you all up IN my underpants, you would have been the first to know. Since I haven't invited you, I would appreciate it if you would leave me, my body, and my very-much-only mine underpinnings alone.
That's the underpants Rule.
page 192
Body hate isn't something we're born with. It's totally and completely learned. The good news? Thanks to neuroplasticity, we can unlearn the hate and retrain our brains to see ourselves with love.
Unfortunately those are the only two pages I tagged. Might be tho the two that I need to deal with. First one makes me think of my mother, of growing up, of all those people with their comments and my inability to say anything. How amazing it would have been to speak up. To stand up for myself, to believe in myself, to care that much to tell them to F*k it and walk away loving myself.
And the second page statement..... you'd think I am going to write about how wonderful it is to be able to change into loving my body/self etc. That there is a complete ability to unlearn and change how I see myself.
I went to Target today as they had bras on sell that I like to wear, in in my size. I tried them on in the dressing room. Yeah, they fit ok, and I did buy them. I couldn't cry, I couldn't breathe. I went home and talked with AJ and finally started crying. I just can NOT accept how I look. I think that has to also do with being thinner too. I can't accept how I look at this size, and I struggle to accept how I look at 180 lbs too. All the rolls, the flabby skin, the bumps, the softness.
I cried about how I ALMOST wish I never would eat again, or want food again, or that (I know this sounds horrible, but it's the awful truth) that I had cancer so it would make me thin, or that I would just have it cut off/sucked out. AJ said stop that. And I do know that those are not the answer, or what I would want to happen as they are not the answer journey. I just don't understand why I can not accept what I look like.
Funny thing is - I can accept the weight, I can accept controlling foods, I can accept larger or smaller (depending on the weight) clothes to some degree. I can look in the mirror and say all those affirmations, but in the end, I just can't accept my look. As soon as I see myself I can't accept loving my body as it looks, or loving myself as I am inside. What is reflected in the mirror numbs me, and I need to steel myself. As in I need to steel (is that the right spelling of the word I want?) myself to face what is reflected/what I see so that I don't go off the deep end and ???????
I don't understand it. I can not seem to connect where those thoughts or feelings/emotions come from. What childhood trauma would have me think this that I haven't already explored to death? Is it even a childhood trauma? Where the f*k does it come from then? Nobody cares anymore what size I am. AJ loves me period. My mother doesn't matter what she thinks, and doesn't say anything either way anymore. My sister? She's large too. My friends - they care about me, and I don't see that my size is what makes them like/dislike me. Other people - eh, they are all weird sizes too. So why the f*k does what I look like matter to me? What is it that reflects in the mirror? Is it a failure I see? Is it something else I see? If so, what then? My past? Haven't I done that enough yet? My future? I keep thinking I've got what, 15-20 yrs, maybe.... I'd love to be slim for that long at least. I don't want to be finally slim and at peace with eating/foods and then die a year or two later. I want to live slim for a long time. Well that ain't going to happen if I continue like this.
Then I wonder if dieting would bring me any peace. It hasn't of yet. Even going to RH which started this whole blog thing, I was never at peace with it, or the foods as you know. IP was easier but still not at peace with it or my looks - had to be slimmer, had to ignore the hunger feelings.
I wonder if I never saw my reflection again would it make a difference. ???
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