In the Jungle

A while ago Jacqui suggested I was this flower.  As she described it, I pictured it and thought I'd try to paint it.  This is the outcome.  Funny thing is, when I look at it, I can feel a connection to it.

This one was an attempt of steps in a jungle.  Thought it turned out pretty good.

I know, the paintings are getting less and less.  Unfortunately I haven't been painting much etc.  But I will continue to post what I have!

In The Past

That's it.  No more.  It's all in the past!  EVEN. THIS. MOMENT. IS. IN. THE. PAST!

Was watching some of shows called The Brain With David Eagleman was very interesting.  And made me realize looking into the past is not worth it because the truth is never true in the memory.

But first - PAST.
He talked how everything is in the past.  EVERYTHING.  Even reading this is in the past as it takes nano seconds for the brain to register what was read, focus back and think on it.  It's already in the past.

Next
He talked about how what we see isn't really all of it.  Let's see if I can sum this up.  Basically the eye takes in a bit, and in the brain the rest is created.  It's the brain that creates what we see by the bits that we take in.  So seeing a cow walk down a street makes us stop because in our brain that doesn't register as where we should be seeing a cow.  Also why if we look a a sky line with tall buildings we take it all in.  Because our brain again fills in the spaces.  As our eyes go up and down and sideways etc, the sky line continues to look still.  But if you take a camera and move it around taking a movie as the same way and then watch it..... it looks nauseating.  That's because our brain makes the sky line still.

Continuing on this
There is a man who was blinded as a very young boy/baby.  At the age of (I can't remember but around 30-40 yrs) he got a chance to have surgery and got his sight back.  Wonderful right?  He was a companion downhill skier too.  When the doc's took the bandages off.  He couldn't focus on what he was seeing.  His brain wasn't connecting it.  He saw his young boys.... and he couldn't tell who they were.  Years later, he still couldn't tell, still had seeing and registering problems.  The sight / vision was fine, but the brain just couldn't balance it.  Skiing... he couldn't get the vision of the trees, etc.  The brain just didn't register it and feed it back to understanding.  He has over the years been able to get some balance, but overall still a problem.

Then there was
We create what we see.  Simply put we see what we create in our brains.  So that cow on the street - throws us as it's not something we tend to create to see.

And memory
That one did me in.  Basically the brain again fills things in.  So taking my suffer post and wondering about the Tom cat....  me sitting there thinking on it.... did I really remember or did I create with what I know about my father, about how I grew up, and did my brain make a story that would make sense to me.  So that tells me.... truth is not necessarily true.

So what is the point then of trying to heal things from the past if all the past is truth created by my brain?  What is the point of believing what I see?

In the end, I went to bed having made the decisions:
I'm no longer looking into my past to heal.  
I'm no longer believing things I see.
I'm just going to see what I want.
I'm not going to trust memories.

And on another note - I'm not going to bother with doctors anymore either.  I'll just try to figure out what to do if something hurts.   Speaking on that - yeah, my chest does continue to hurt.  The Previcid that I have taken did help with the stomach pains, but the chest turned out to become angry.

Like before it was a busy group of buzzing wasps around a hive doing all their waspy things they do in life.  That was the chest pains.  Then someone comes along and bats the hive - and those wasps doing waspy things are now furious, angry, out to sting wasps.  The cough I have now too isn't helping the chest.  

Ok, yeah, I'll probably still go to doctors.  Do doctory things required.  Like the Pulmonary Test I have scheduled for Monday, and the Abdo (gallbladder) ultra scan in two weeks.

I called my sister, told her I wasn't coming tomorrow to her card making class.  I am sad about that.  I really did want to go.  But with being so tired, needing to do a MTX shot today, and coughing, and rain scheduled - I just can't find it in me to do that 3 hour drive there, and 3 hour drive home.  I'm concerned driving will be challenging and I don't feel I should gamble it.

I'm not pissy about that show (3 of them) that I watched on The Brain.  I actually found it very interesting and wonder if there's more shows on it coming.  My decisions before bed - well, yes and no.  I probably will look at the past again, but the show has changed how I look at it, at memories, at truth.  

 

Life Two

Following thoughts on the last post.

I wonder if I'm looking for a diagnosis that changes me.  There are people who get a life changing diagnosis and they suddenly realize how much life matters and they live it to the fullest.  Whether it is the people who end up changing and living a long time, or those that end up changing and still in the end die.  They find that spark that makes life worth living for them.  Not that I'm wishing this on anyone - I'm looking at myself.  I'm looking at that longing that sparks me to the point I realize and want to live life to the fullest - and I do.

I know in a way that sounds awful to say.  And someone who has been challenged by health issues would probably say well I'll trade you!  My heart saddeneds at this thought as that's not how I mean it.  It's just me seeing in myself and having this insight about my own medical health, always going to doctors, always looking to see if I have something serious.  Not that I'm a hypochondriac, but because I watch TV, I read stories on how some people have changed their life so much - and really, truly live life and find joy, peace, love and happiness in it/ in themselves.

Sorta, I wonder, what I hoped going to AA/OA would do for me.  Granted at first it did bring about a change in me and my life.  I'm so grateful for that.  I just lost it after a while.  It wasn't lasting for me via those groups.  So do I look to medical/health to spark me to such a point that I change, live life.

I'm kinda now at the point that I don't want to bother anymore going to doctors and trying to deal with my health.  I might have health issues, but they don't worry me.  They just confirm that one day I will die.  And in the meantime.....?

Besides, I'm running into doctors that don't care much either.  NP that doesn't lilsten.  An internal medicine Doc that labels me via paper as a old woman with heartburn.   In the end really it's up to me to take care of myself.  It's up to me on how/what/when I eat, exercise, meditate.  That's probably the whole point of those people finding the spark to live life.  They believe in themselves.  ha ha ha.  They have something that sparks.... I'm not all that sure I have something in me that will spark.

***********

AJ and I talked about moving again.  We both just don't connect in this town.  We are planning on around in 2-3 years to move.  We will slowly look at places.  Oakville would be nice - and closer to family.  AJ said he's going to buy a Hospital Lottery as the first prize is a home in Oakville, second is an SUV (can't remember the type) and third is.... yup... a million dollars.  All three are what we are interested in.  Any of those three would work for a prize for us.  

Big Picture

This was this morning's calendar post.  (not this exactly, but the wording)  I thought about this all day.

I thought about living life verses existing again.  I think I've written about this before.  Sorry if I'm repeating.  But IT'S REPEATING today.

I'm on my own today/night.... means I get some sleep, hopefully.  AJ is in Toronto for a board meeting, back tomorrow.  I had an appointment with Dr W - internal medicine, per Dr Phua.  Sat in the office room for over an hour until resident doc came in.  I liked him.  When I came in I saw a red-haired guy and thought - not good.  The resident was super nice, listened etc.  Went out to doctor and both came back.  Red haired guy..... said well it's not your heart per everything done/said.  Had no idea what was going on with my chest pain.  Said try some tums (anti-acid) for 2 weeks and see if it helps.  REALLY?  Worse part was he 'tsked'  as in that sound tsk.  I thought, seriously, couldn't you just pull out costrondritis as there's nothing to that either.

I drove home.  Ticked a bit, but thought about it.  Well, ok, fair enough.  I actually have Previcid from NP from the other day.  I will try them for 2 weeks.  I don't like to use them as they screw with the stomach acids and actually makes things worse in the stomach.  BUT with this chest pain, I'm willing to give it 2 weeks.  Can you believe it.  9 months of pain, and all I probably needed was an anti-acid.  UGH.  Why couldn't someone else suggest it earlier then.  Let's see what happens with this plan.  Which will probably make Keto really good for me....

But back to driving home.  I thought about that phrase again.  I thought about living life.  How all this involves enjoying, being happy, doing what one loves, living life.  In the waiting room I thought about what I would do - what would living my life involve.  Biggest things - $$$, weight loss / maintained healthy weight / content, healthy eating.  So, looking at my life that way, would I do anything different at this moment?

Maybe a bit more.  But most of if would be similar.  I'd just have nicer clothes, mani and pedi, help others (we have a $$ plan), just feel more content about things financially, enjoy making healthy meals - those are the things I'd see as mostly the same.  I would think some things would be different that I haven't thought of too.

I thought about all these doctor appointments.  Is this me wanting to live life?  To have some type of life.  To BE in life.  Am I constantly looking inside me physically to see or know I am alive, to live.  Instead of trying to kill myself slowly, am I really just trying to make my life live?  Find joy inside me. To fix my insides/being/body so that I am living.  In a way I don't sense I have lived.  I've just existed and fumbled thru.  How can I live?  Do I actually have that live life inside me?  Some people have it.  Some just don't.  Some just try and do.  My mother - if I look at her life, I wonder how happy she is about it when she looks back.  Apparently my sister doesn't see her much, I don't see her much, the grandsons are too busy for her.  She's alone a lot in a way.  She does have my aunt, and she got into groups, and has friends.  Is she living life?

Is there more to life?  I'm not seeing the big picture in my life.  I'm not seeing the good.  I'm not seeing the help.  (I'm not a flat out volunteer, as we all know, but I do help people).  I'm not seeing why my life matters.  I'm not seeing why or what I'm achieving.  

I'm not being morbid today.  I'm in a good mood.  I'm wondering about my MTX shot required tomorrow, but today is good.  I'm asking and wondering in genuine thoughts.

In the end, I'm just wondering am I living my days of my life?  Or am I still trying to find a way to live my life?  Or am I just existing and fumbling thru?

Found It

Well, I sorta found my head.  I was able to figure out that the condo in Sarnia was not the right move at this time.

As I looked at the yard and processed moving from it, I realized it probably wouldn't make me as happy as being here.  Then we looked at the condo again and realized it wasn't really big enough for us.  The view... that was the only thing that was still the best.  We looked at a few others in the area, and there was one other condo that would be much better - but it was only a one bedroom, not for us.  Good if it was just me, but not both of us.  So, contently we continue to stay here.

I got a response from Joan who basically said I was in the process of healing, to keep going at it, and that moving wasn't the best at this time.  Which aligned with what we decided.

Yesterday was a bad day.  Very bad.  Very, very I wish I was dead bad.  

I can't believe how stupid and ?afraid?, unwilling I am to just stop wheat/gluten, go onto ketos.  I have been in so much horrible chest pain.  So inflamed I think.  Partly it's so much to give up.  Not like just tomatoes.  It's tons of different foods that have it in.  It's emotional eating.  It's spaced out, nauseated MTX side effects.  It's fatigued eating.  It's we are out, let's grab lunch/breakfast/dinner/snack eating.  It's we are invited for lunch to someone's house eating.  The out and house eating doesn't bother me as much as the other eatings.  And there's no guarantee that if I do go low carb/keto etc that it will actually help.  When I was doing low carb/ IP/IPA I still had some chest pain and fatigue.  I still couldn't cut the grass in one shot.  And taking the MTX shots....that nausea and down just really doesn't help me.  I struggle to fight that.  I just can't see how to do the answers - if they really are the answers.  

I did find the other day a place in London and one in Mt Brydges that offer keto foods pre-made.  Since we were going to go to Sarnia on Monday, have Jax in daycare already, we are going to go to London instead.  Thought we would go check out the one place.  See if I can get a few things to try.  Aim is to have some frozen things that I have ready for those 'don't/unable to cook' days.  I want to go thru what I still have on the low carb/IPA bars left and see how much I have.  I think I'm still going to end up starting keto around Thanksgiving.  Keep ending up going towards that time.  Not that I'm going to continue blindly.  I did have some IPA muffins I had made for breakfast today.  I am trying to get onto it.  

AJ wondered if I struggling with succeeding.  That I didn't believe I could succeed.  Have success.  Interesting.  It's the flip side of I need to punish myself.  Going to do some tapping on that.  Might help.  Can't hurt.

Still coughing.  That doesn't make me feel all that well either.  Sleeping a bit more too.  Sore throat continues.

  

Where's My Head

Where's my head at?

Lately I've been spacey.  I was thinking the other night - what do I feel.  I thought - numb.  Not in a depressed way.  Just numb as I don't feel much of anything for some reason.  I thought too, as AJ was coming up to bed (I was already trying to sleep) I thought.... urgh I forgot to put his tablet in the bathroom so he could turn on the security system.  I also forgot to do a few more other things.  Which at this point, I don't remember now either.   

Mostly just mindlessly forgetting small things.  And I feel like my feet are off the ground.  I'm not grounded I guess... making my head spacey, logical.

I was talking with AJ about moving.  Not really in any form, just in general.  Happened with my chest pain and me saying how cutting the grass is an issue.  That I wasn't liking it - I hate having trouble doing gardening as I enjoy it, but I just feel so worn about doing all the work.  I hate that.  I don't understand that.  I want to do something that I enjoy, and the pain and worn ness is making what I enjoy a chore.

The next day I was wondering what to look up on the computer, so I decided realtor.ca.  I ended up in Sarnia on a post of a 3 bedroom condo, 2 balconies, and a beautiful view of the river!!!  4th floor.  Told AJ about it.  I said THAT condo would get me to move out of this house and into a condo.  Then I showed him the condo post.

We spent the afternoon looking at condos around Ontario.  NOTHING appealed to me / us as that one condo in Sarnia.  We left it at that.  

Realizing, we've only been here one year, selling wouldn't help us financially as we'd lose too much.  We'd need to sell for mega $$ as we'd need get the condo with no mortgage.  Between the fees etc it would be better with no mortgage.  Besides we doubt they would lower the price of the condo so much that it would make it worthwhile for us to move.  Now.. with that million in the bank..... we could make a decision much easier..... get a gardener or move.

And the condo in Sarnia.... it allows pets, room for a scooter in the condo, has sunlight, underground parking, we can get a copy of the rules and regulations, a semi-quiet street.... per the realtor.  Who has us booked for Monday to see the place.  Yeah.  AJ knew and said yes.  He knew I couldn't not see the place.  I need to see it.

Where the f*k is my head at????????????????? 

Suffer

I have two thoughts.... but I promised to write about what insights I had.  So that one wins today.

It's still a bit of just points.  I really don't know what more to do about them.

As I thought, I came up with:

- ! despise people (as I wrote earlier)
- because they did/do a half - assed job of caring for me.  (as a child)
- they leave me unable to cope with things.  (never really learned how to deal with things, or how to trust in myself)
- they leave me without the ability or skills or tools to handle things on my own
- and then they get mad/angry at me for doing things wrong.


I despise people: 
- they lie to me
- they tell me 'stories'
- they take away my power
- they destroy my truths
- they feed me lies
- they hurt me/ hunt me down
- they hold me down and back
- they create me ugly
- I despise their control over me
- they make me do things/ their way
- they destroy the light in me / try to destroy the light in me

Later as I thought on all this, the more I viled myself, wanting to hurt myself for despising people.  

Then I thought - things aren't working as they are suppose to - everything is wrong, even I am wrong in what I do/am.

Kinda ended up here and left it for a day.

Next day I got back to doing some tapping.  Found one on toxins, and then 2 more that I did.  I thought ok, enough, but then I scrolled thru and thought only if I find one I'm really interested in doing.......

Suffer.

Hum.  Keep scrolling.  No, wait, go back.  Hum.

Now, doing these tappings I'd get some feeling with them and thought yeah, that one is hitting a spot.  I wasn't sure on the Suffer one, but I decided to do it.

As I started I was fine, as I continued, I was bawling.  Never have I cried over / doing a tapping.  Finished and was calmer.

Later I went and sat outside and wondered why / what happened.  I know when I was saying people, I was also adding in animals.

I thought on that too.  I pictured my mother telling me that as I little child we had a cat for a while.  It was a Tom Cat.  She would comment that we had it and then trail off about it.  When I had asked what happened to that Tom cat, she would mumble about it wasn't there as it was an outside cat....  I don't remember this cat at all.

Then I felt / wondered / saw my mother talking and mumbling off the end.  What really happened to Tom cat?  Why don't I remember this cat?  And then.....then I realized my father was there.  What did he do?  I can see that my father would have kicked / hit / grabbed and thrown a cat because it did something in the house or just because my father was pissed off over something and taking it out on the cat that happened to be there at that moment.  

Did I see this?  Is this something that has been deep inside me and is involved with despising people.  Unable to defend myself because what happened to the cat could happen to me? 

That was the end of it.  Nothing since then.

Organized?

I'm trying to get organized with my thoughts and what to write.  Think on my insight I got the other day, I need to wait as I need 'space' in me to write about it.  It's a bit crowded in me.  So that post will be on hold for a bit.  

That leaves me with not much at the moment left to tell you.

Tomorrow my sis comes for the day and we will be doing Christmas Cards.  She's going to bring her stuff.  I'm looking forward to it.  Will be nice to have someone to do some of it with.  I'm finding I'm just not creating at the moment.  I'm running out of paintings etc to post on my Krystal Colours too.  Maybe with fall/winter coming I will get back into it more.  

Maybe ..which one is it?  Whatever planet it is that causes creative, will move back into my creative house.... ha ha ha.

AJ has sinuses running since he's been back.  Think I need stock in Kleenex or Scotties.

We were looking yesterday, on line, at places around Ontario again.  NOT that we are in a position to move just yet.  There is a condo in Sarnia that I would love as it looks over the water and has 3 bedrooms.  We looked else where, but the prices, what they offered etc just wasn't what we wanted.  Now, will extra millions $$$, on top of the million we visualize, then maybe those are possible.  Then again, I'm not totally sure a condo would be where I'd be happiest.  I LOVE living in a house.  But the yard work.  There are some places that are maintained, but I'm not sure if they do lawns/snow removal from the house.  

And I look around at all the stuff we have.  Oh the yard sales it will require......Part of me wants to start selling all the stuff already.  Better go think of something else to do - like art!

I went yesterday to get my new tattoos.

This one is on my right upper front near my neck/shoulder.

Love this moon fairy.  Turned out well.  The stars were black on the picture, but I asked Mike to make them coloured.  Decided on blue and pink.

AJ liked them too.  You can't see in the moon fairy photo but just around the front is where the butterfly is.

My stomach has been off again for the last few days.  Nearest I can figure - Smile Cookies.  Guess no more of those.  I have my abdo ultra scan for Oct 15th.  Check on my gallbladder polyps etc.  Maybe they will see my stomach too.  I will mention my pain and hopefully they will add it in.

Went to the dog park today again.  Wendy was there.  She usually is on the small side, so I chat with her.  Look forward to seeing her.  He hubby is dying.  Has the tumors in lung, eating into the bones.  Another guy - John (I think) comes sometimes.  His daughter in law has stomach cancer.  We were talking one day about how I learnt having ulcers in the stomach can actually developed into stomach cancer.  He then spoke up and said that's what happened to his daughter.  No, I know I don't have stomach cancer.  I have to live a long time.  My pup and cat are still young.

Speaking of which - I told my sis today when we were talking of mom's new kitten - Lucky, that she would get them.  I didn't want anymore pets.  Maybe, just maybe a cat, but not sure. She says she saw Lucky and it does look just like my Moonbeam.  I'm not upset about that.  Even Princess looks/looked like my Amber.  Some photos now, I can't really tell to well if it's Amber or Princess.  Princess was happy again that AJ came home.

Guess that's about it.

Come Home

I did get a response from Joan about my email.  She said that YES I was on the right track and keep focusing on that.  I do have a bit written down on it, but I need to still work at it.  She said to continue tapping too.  

And.... focusing on it...... it kinda disappears.

I'm in a happy place, tho I should go upstairs and do my MTX shot.  I hope the next few days will be better.  I'll try happy tappings to see if that helps.  Tomorrow I have an appointment for another tattoo session.

AJ comes home today.  Yeah!  



Did some baking today.  Trying to finish all those IP foods.  Almost thru them.  

NEED to get to changing the bed sheets!  Bought new ones the other day and washed them, now to get them on the bed for when AJ gets home.

I did better the last few days being alone here.  Semi-surprisingly Princess has been stressed and upset with AJ gone.  I always say she's attached to him.  And with Moonbeam gone, then AJ leaving for a few days, she's been not eating much.  I hope she will start eating more when she sees he's back.  She loves me, but really loves him.  I'm sure she will be glad.  

I got the grass cut!  Got some done last night, and rest this morning after taking Jax to the dog park.  Best... or more interestingly... I had a gluten free breakfast muffin that I bought the other day for breakfast this morning.  Some chest pain, but not as much as usual.  As I suspected.  And the weather was very humid/hot already this morning.  So glad I got the back done!

AJ had some issues with the hotel.  He didn't seem happy this morning in his texts.  Asked him.  First when he got there - they didn't give him an accessible room - they gave it away. Means he wouldn't be able to shower (for 4 days) and the toilet being low... trouble getting down onto it and off of it.  He complained the next day about it all - they changed his room by the end of the day.  He did have a wonderful time with his friend and around town/dinner etc.  Leaving this morning... the hotel said the room wasn't paid for!  Thankfully another board member happened to be near AJ and paid for it.  Then the airport didn't have food/coffee as he missed breakfast too.  He was able to get a bottle of water ..... and spilled it on himself trying to open it.  AJ's one hand is spastic and he really struggles with getting bottles open.  Then the plane was delayed.  

I hope the delay doesn't cause him to miss the next plane from Toronto to London when they get into Toronto.  If so, he will have to either wait or fly tomorrow.  As long as he is safe, and gets home in one piece - today or tomorrow doesn't matter.  Tho I do prefer today.

Jax I think will be happier too with AJ home.  With just me, he doesn't get too much attention.  I feed them, clean them, take him for walks/park, let him out..... but it's AJ that plays tug etc.  I have things to do - like cook, laundry, bedding, grass cutting....computer stuff....  

Mostly that's about it for today.  Need to get to the changing of the sheets.  And I need a snack, I'm hungry.  Oh, and then there's tapping to do.  Someone's gonna want dinner soon too.

Ta

A Little Bye Bye

AJ's gone.  And I miss him.  Last few weeks/months, even with what I know about him and what he feels for me - I know he loves me.... we have been in a very good place together.  Maybe I'm just letting things be.  And allowing his love to come thru.

So with him in BC this weekend.  I'm missing him.  So much that I was getting very stressed yesterday when he left.  Stood in Walmart in Sarnia and emailed Joan because I didn't know what else to do.

Hi Joan

I've been tapping.  Today I am currently in Sarnia (appointment) and now trying to control shop.

I'm having a meltdown and trying to hold it together.

AJ is just now in Toronto getting ready to fly.

I am NOT afraid he's going to die/crash etc.

I'm crying ugly inside at the fact that he is gone away and will not be there when I get home.  Trouble breathing and spacey.  I understand this is anxiety.

Is this the block?  Abandonment and left?  Tho that's not much on rage.  I can barely get to the feelings.

I will tap this when I get home.  I'm really trying to work on this all.

Hugs

Later driving home, something occurred to me:

Me again.

I just realized driving home this afternoon, no it's not exactly abandoned.

I thought on it and had thoughts about:

- not being able to talk

- not being heard / listened to / believed

- judgmental of others because they are wrong  (still don't know exactly how this one works)

- not being able to tell 

- being hurt (physical and emotional)

When I got home I thought:

- I despise people

- I hate them for above

- hate them for leaving me alone / in danger

Is this closer to the block?

hugs

Granted despising people is general - but more because of it being people who do the hurting and leaving me in danger, as a child.  I don't despise people overall.  It's a specific feeling.

Today I'm a bit better.  Had trouble sleeping and got up at midnight, did a few tappings and went to sleep.

Today I went out for lunch with Moncia.  Was nice.  I like her.  Funny I was telling her of my interest in moving to Sarnia.  I explained because I feel like this town is.... and SHE said snobbish?  I laughed, yes.  The people here are nice, but in some ways it's not a nice town.

She said that it wasn't me.  It is this town, it's not a really nice town.  It was worse years ago, and even tho there are more people in it now, it's still a snobbish unfriendly town.  She's been here for over 20 yrs.  I'm glad it's not me!  Makes me wanting to move out feel better.  But I know too, that we are not moving for the time being as selling a year after moving in isn't a wise $$ move.

Had the new cleaners come in this morning.  I liked them, but the place wasn't that clean.  The one I don't like did a much better job cleaning.  I did go walk Jax while they were cleaning so I can't say if they did vacuum.  After they left, I looked at the floor and there was stuff on it.  I got out my vacuum and it was filled - so did they vacuum?  There were hairs in the sink and it wasn't that clean....did they use just one cloth to clean everything?  Told AJ that I would give them one more chance and that I would watch closer next time.  I will say something before they leave next time, and it might be.... I'll need to find another person!  Ugh.

I talked with AJ last night and this morning.  He was getting ready to visit his friend and go around town, then dinner at Mike's home.  I'm so glad he gets to visit with his friend as he hasn't seen him in over 15 years.

I'm done adulting today.  And it's only 330pm.  I don't really know what else to do today.  Too humid to cut grass.  Besides, yeah, chest hurts.  Guess I'm just missing AJ.

Oh and the appointment in Sarnia - was the sleep clinic.  I have a choice.  If I sleep on my back - I have sleep apnea.  On my side - I'm fine.  I could have a machine if I wanted and I could sleep on my back or I could sleep on my side.... and lose weight.  Duh.  Guess what I'm choosing.  No, not the machine!

Better go tap on something.

Rage Replies

Hi Krystal,

Sorry I'm getting back to you so late, I was in a fair since last Thursday.  How are you now from that experience?  Do you have some aches and pains.  That was an awful event for you to go through.  That woman should of checked on you to make sure you were ok, but I sense that she didn't even realize it happened, she was in to many mental thoughts.

Just before that happened, what were you thinking about?  Spirit is telling me that they wanted you to stop thinking that way.  This was a way to get your attention.  I feel you were feeling a bit hopeless, that nothing was going to change.  Do you remember if you were thinking that way?

With the way the woman acted, I feel you are mirroring not noticing what is really going on behind the sceens.  I feel your blocking something from coming out.  This suituation that your blocking is full of rage.  Like how could that of happened to me.  

Let me know how you are feeling now.

Big hug,

Joan

Hi Joan

No problem.  Figured you'd get back when you could.  

I feel ..... Calmer and angry when I think of it.  I feel next time, if it comes to it, I will aim to be ready for that dog and aim to kill.  I will not let it attack my pup or me again.  I hope never to be in that situation!

I had been doing tapping on clearing not wanting to lose weight.  When I saw the dogs I felt fear under ground in me.  Hopeless would be something along with the weight tapping probably.  Also at not being able to protect myself from the dog or to say something to her.

I have since found out she has been told and band a few times cuz her dog attacks.

Thought today about betrayal.  About saying something and being betrayed.  But more about being betrayed by my body.  I KNOW head wise sexual child abuse is not my fault and that the body reacts because it is made that way.

I thought I wonder if I am raging at my body cuz I felt it betrayed me by liking it.  And now pleasure is only good if bad.  That I am bad.  I know logically that's not the case but wonder if that's my belief or something.  And I rage against my body's betrayal with eating/weight/unwilling to lose or eat healthy and deny sexual feelings.  Will not allow sex with hubby because it conflicts loving action with bad sexual betrayal.  Causing internal rage towards self.

Oh yeah, that's going to be an easy one to tap out!!!! 😀😋🤔

Thinking this makes me want to cry.  Hubby flys to BC for 4 days and I can't get myself to a loving action even tho I want to.   So I rage (?) and do nothing or eat something.

Are these the things I'm blocking or is it something else/more?

Otherwise I'm good.

Hugs

PS

I just heard...... autoimmune issues is the body attacking itself.  Cancer is rage internal eating away at itself.

Might not be true for someone else but for me?  Maybe true.

from Joan

Hi Beautiful,

I feel your still blocking a bit, just keep tapping on it.  Because your working on it, its coming up a bit more too.  A suituation like that would make you not want to walk you dog.  If you see that woman, try to mention what the dog did and how it made you feel.  That way your standing up for yourself and will show you that you are loving you.  Keep working on it.  The tapping is helping.  Don't beat yourself up if you eat something thats not good for you.  Ask yourself if you enjoyed it and if you did, thats good.  That will help you get back on eating the good foods that your body needs.  

Keep me posted.  Weekends usually I'm doing shows if I don't get back to you then.  Do something special for yourself while your husbands away.  Something that will make you happy.

Hugs

Tapping on Betrayal ........ Brad Yates, says a lot what I feel and think in this one - Betrayal