Big Picture

This was this morning's calendar post.  (not this exactly, but the wording)  I thought about this all day.

I thought about living life verses existing again.  I think I've written about this before.  Sorry if I'm repeating.  But IT'S REPEATING today.

I'm on my own today/night.... means I get some sleep, hopefully.  AJ is in Toronto for a board meeting, back tomorrow.  I had an appointment with Dr W - internal medicine, per Dr Phua.  Sat in the office room for over an hour until resident doc came in.  I liked him.  When I came in I saw a red-haired guy and thought - not good.  The resident was super nice, listened etc.  Went out to doctor and both came back.  Red haired guy..... said well it's not your heart per everything done/said.  Had no idea what was going on with my chest pain.  Said try some tums (anti-acid) for 2 weeks and see if it helps.  REALLY?  Worse part was he 'tsked'  as in that sound tsk.  I thought, seriously, couldn't you just pull out costrondritis as there's nothing to that either.

I drove home.  Ticked a bit, but thought about it.  Well, ok, fair enough.  I actually have Previcid from NP from the other day.  I will try them for 2 weeks.  I don't like to use them as they screw with the stomach acids and actually makes things worse in the stomach.  BUT with this chest pain, I'm willing to give it 2 weeks.  Can you believe it.  9 months of pain, and all I probably needed was an anti-acid.  UGH.  Why couldn't someone else suggest it earlier then.  Let's see what happens with this plan.  Which will probably make Keto really good for me....

But back to driving home.  I thought about that phrase again.  I thought about living life.  How all this involves enjoying, being happy, doing what one loves, living life.  In the waiting room I thought about what I would do - what would living my life involve.  Biggest things - $$$, weight loss / maintained healthy weight / content, healthy eating.  So, looking at my life that way, would I do anything different at this moment?

Maybe a bit more.  But most of if would be similar.  I'd just have nicer clothes, mani and pedi, help others (we have a $$ plan), just feel more content about things financially, enjoy making healthy meals - those are the things I'd see as mostly the same.  I would think some things would be different that I haven't thought of too.

I thought about all these doctor appointments.  Is this me wanting to live life?  To have some type of life.  To BE in life.  Am I constantly looking inside me physically to see or know I am alive, to live.  Instead of trying to kill myself slowly, am I really just trying to make my life live?  Find joy inside me. To fix my insides/being/body so that I am living.  In a way I don't sense I have lived.  I've just existed and fumbled thru.  How can I live?  Do I actually have that live life inside me?  Some people have it.  Some just don't.  Some just try and do.  My mother - if I look at her life, I wonder how happy she is about it when she looks back.  Apparently my sister doesn't see her much, I don't see her much, the grandsons are too busy for her.  She's alone a lot in a way.  She does have my aunt, and she got into groups, and has friends.  Is she living life?

Is there more to life?  I'm not seeing the big picture in my life.  I'm not seeing the good.  I'm not seeing the help.  (I'm not a flat out volunteer, as we all know, but I do help people).  I'm not seeing why my life matters.  I'm not seeing why or what I'm achieving.  

I'm not being morbid today.  I'm in a good mood.  I'm wondering about my MTX shot required tomorrow, but today is good.  I'm asking and wondering in genuine thoughts.

In the end, I'm just wondering am I living my days of my life?  Or am I still trying to find a way to live my life?  Or am I just existing and fumbling thru?