Following thoughts on the last post.
I wonder if I'm looking for a diagnosis that changes me. There are people who get a life changing diagnosis and they suddenly realize how much life matters and they live it to the fullest. Whether it is the people who end up changing and living a long time, or those that end up changing and still in the end die. They find that spark that makes life worth living for them. Not that I'm wishing this on anyone - I'm looking at myself. I'm looking at that longing that sparks me to the point I realize and want to live life to the fullest - and I do.
I know in a way that sounds awful to say. And someone who has been challenged by health issues would probably say well I'll trade you! My heart saddeneds at this thought as that's not how I mean it. It's just me seeing in myself and having this insight about my own medical health, always going to doctors, always looking to see if I have something serious. Not that I'm a hypochondriac, but because I watch TV, I read stories on how some people have changed their life so much - and really, truly live life and find joy, peace, love and happiness in it/ in themselves.
Sorta, I wonder, what I hoped going to AA/OA would do for me. Granted at first it did bring about a change in me and my life. I'm so grateful for that. I just lost it after a while. It wasn't lasting for me via those groups. So do I look to medical/health to spark me to such a point that I change, live life.
I'm kinda now at the point that I don't want to bother anymore going to doctors and trying to deal with my health. I might have health issues, but they don't worry me. They just confirm that one day I will die. And in the meantime.....?
Besides, I'm running into doctors that don't care much either. NP that doesn't lilsten. An internal medicine Doc that labels me via paper as a old woman with heartburn. In the end really it's up to me to take care of myself. It's up to me on how/what/when I eat, exercise, meditate. That's probably the whole point of those people finding the spark to live life. They believe in themselves. ha ha ha. They have something that sparks.... I'm not all that sure I have something in me that will spark.
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AJ and I talked about moving again. We both just don't connect in this town. We are planning on around in 2-3 years to move. We will slowly look at places. Oakville would be nice - and closer to family. AJ said he's going to buy a Hospital Lottery as the first prize is a home in Oakville, second is an SUV (can't remember the type) and third is.... yup... a million dollars. All three are what we are interested in. Any of those three would work for a prize for us.
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