Shhhhh

I'm sleeping, or at least getting ready for bed.  There is not much happening. Seriously - NOTHING.  Just the same thing, different day.  Tomorrow is Poon day, and I'm ok.  I don't know where my weight will be - I suspect down a bit.

Because of Josh (coming the next day after Poon) and getting his info for me, I started My Fitness Pal to track my macros.  I've been playing around with it, and have found, I'm WAY over 20 net carbs on a normal day.  Basically around 75 carbs, and with fiber down to about 50 sometimes.  Because for Dr Poon I had to write down my foods too, I realized there's a bit of a difference between macro numbers and Poon's ok foods.  So I don't know exactly what Poon thinks is ok as 4 cups of 'other' veg is allowed along with unlimited greens.  But in macros, even having less then 4 cups, and a little greens, I'm running around 75-100 grams. Which is apparently on some sites is considered low carb.  So... that means it's ok.  I get confused when things aren't black and white for me.  I like grey, only because I KNOW I'm in a grey area, as I know what the black and white areas are.  Follow?

Talking with AJ about it, I'm now waiting to see what Josh says.  I will ask him to have a clearer macro line then asking Dr Poon.  I suspect Dr Poon will say a bunch of my meals have too many carbs in them.  To ask him about the macros is probably a no-no.  That's not how he works.  Seeing my meals, I realize too, that I am semi-unwilling to go back to Phase 1 Poon foods.  I feel comfortable with the foods I eat, and at times struggle to maintain.  I sense I would melt down if I had to limit even more then I am already.  Since I haven't been exercising lately, I also suspect starting with Josh and exercising will help me more in the long run. Will make the eating low carb foods easier to do.  Guess I will just have to see what happens.

Today was:
B - cinn/flax bagel, butter, jam, cottage cheese, coffee with 1/2 protein shake and almond milk.
L - beef stew (made myself - beef, spinach, green beans)
S - slice of zucchini, slice of yellow pepper, tea/lemon (PS lemon has carbs!  I kinda didn't count them!!) halva
D - chicken, bok choy, cauliflower pearls, jello, tea/lemon
S - bagel, butter/jam

Calories are good - in the 1300 range.  Protein and fat are fine..... carb too high?

Other then that - not much else to report.  That being said, I'm going to wait until after Josh day to write - at least then I can report on Dr Poon and Josh etc - might be somewhat more interesting.

Thus I shall head off to bed, and leave you with a post:  😄😏

What happened?

Where did the week go?  I don't recall being busy.  Had stuff to do, but not so busy that I didn't know what day it was.  But suddenly it's Friday.

Brought Jax in to play at daycare with his brother/semi-sister all week in the morning.  They get picked up on Sunday morning.  It will be strange for Jax on Tuesday when we bring him in to play - and they won't be there.  Tuesday is Poon day.

Brought the car in this morning to get the new windshield.  Not much to write about that.  I just spent time wandering Walmart and Pet Smart.  I did have to go back to Pet Valu to return an item, and while there, I saw dog pants.  In size small.  Perfect.  Just what I was looking for.  With all the rain, and mud, and wet and sand around here, Jax's legs and belly are so dirty every time we go for a walk - he ends up in the sink for a wash.  He's good at getting washed, but still doesn't like to have on every day.  These are just like pants, and they clip around him.  Worked well today - walked in the rain, got home and he was clean.  They are a keeper!  Took a bit to get them on at first, but now we know what to do.

I have been having trouble with my shoulders this week - all week.  Haven't done much exercise - the training starts March 1, or much physio exercises, as my arm gets 'stuck' in the motion.  It's painful, and it causes my whole / both shoulders pain.  Sigh.

Went to art class yesterday.  Had a wooden cat that the neighbour had made a few months ago, which he threw in the garbage, and I rescued.  So I finally got around to painting it.  Just a plain design of a cat in wood / flat.  Going to put it outside in the summer.  Turned out ok.

Josh wanted us to use My Fitness Pal to track our foods.  We joined, and I've been inputting my foods.  AJ is just waiting until he has too.....  Look forward to seeing what Josh comes up with as a food plan / macro goals, and exercises.

I've been having coffee in the morning with almond milk and protein shake.  Is ok.  Had that today along with a cinnamon/flax bagel, butter/jam/cottage cheese. Snack - chocolate pieces.
Lunch - beef stew and a bagel/butter.  (Low carb of course), halva, and tea
Dinner - still looking.... probably cauliflower, garlic spread, slaw mix with turkey, jello, tea and donut.  Have to find something other then a donut when I'm at the Poon store.  Jello just doesn't cut it for me.

Tomorrow is jammie day, and Sunday.... haven't figured out what we are doing.

Rambling Tuesday

Things are going well.  Not really much happening. Weather continues to be over the 0 mark, some rain today.

AJ and I spent the morning at the doctor for him.  He's good - going to live long. Works for me!  Need someone to do dishes and balance the books.  Ha ha ha. That and more.

Jax got to play again with his brother and semi-sister.  I went to pick him up and he was on the side where I could see them.  At first Brother Teddy was barking, and Jax was just trotting around, Semi-Sister Chole started to bark when she saw me, and suddenly Jax saw me.  Well, he started jumping up and around and trying to figure out how to get out of the pen.  With all the sudden barking Patty looked around the corner and saw me.  She came over, handed Jax over the fence, and told the others they had to come in.  It was cute to watch them all. Teddy wanted to come with me.  Chole was already in Patty's arms, hoping to go over the fence too.  Thursday is the next day Jax sees them, and now with us having to bring the car in, Jax will also go in on Friday.

Noticed a crack in the front window, down on the driver side on Monday.  So, off to get a new window.  Called the insurance, and got the suggested place to go.

Had some more energy healing this afternoon.  Tired now, glad it's evening. Thought of an Epsom salt bath, but too tired for it.  Will plan for tomorrow evening.  Still have to collect and bring the garbage out for tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow get to see Josh - the trainer!

Hi, Hi, Hi Beautiful Sunday....

Ok, I'm old.  And that title post is old too....  But that song works for today.  It's beautiful out, and it's Sunday.

Went to the Catch the Fire church again.  AJ came with me.  He was ok with it, considering he's a strict religion type of guy.  He's open to new experiences and was good with it.  He said he'd go with me again.  That's a win.

Jax got to go to daycare.  Kinda was part of the point of going to church.  His brother and semi-sister are in daycare this week as Joanne is on holidays.  So I thought I'd bring him a few times this week so that they all can play longer and more then when I go over to visit Joanne for an hour.  Usually they just play in the house there, daycare is much better - more room.  I think they also played with other dogs, not totally sure.  Jax is going again on Tuesday and Thursday this week.

Found two photos that are amusing:

Ha ha.  Blessing is - my heart is NOT leading me to the fridge.  Another win. This morning I weighed in almost 2 pounds down.  That could just be a fluke and not an official weigh in.  But I'll take it, especially if it continues downward!

I've been writing down my foods, which is helping me be aware, guess that's the biggest point of writing it down.  I've also been aware of the protein bars and limiting them more.  I have found that when I have coffee, I'm enjoying adding the almond milk and protein shake, and skinny syrup to it.  My breakfasts have been more filling too.

Today:
B - egg, egg whites, slaw, bagel with butter on one side and liverwurst on the other, coffee with PS&m.
S - 3 crumbs of an almond cookie I got for AJ at church.  Barely a taste
L - cinn/flax bagel with jam and cottage cheese, chicken meatball soup (with spinach/celery and green onions in chicken stock), tea/lemon/stevia
D - haven't decided yet, not overly hungry, but know I will need something. Have chicken cooked already  - maybe add nupasta and olive oil and jello or donut, tea lemon/stevia
Doubt any snack as it's late now, and I'm going to be full with dinner.

Ta

Trainer

The trainer! I called him.  Josh.  Discussed on the phone my interests and goals, and booked for Wednesday at 2pm to meet.  I liked him on the phone, and I'm sure I will like him in person.  After getting the price, AJ and I talked and decided too that AJ would go a few rounds with him too.  Yeah!  That will be excellent for AJ.

We decided to skip going to the physio training that would be at the end of March.  Basically because I feel more one on one training would be better for us and out issues (health etc), also there's more flex with Josh in time and location. He is willing to come to the house / or our local gym here which is so much more easier then going to the community center that the physio training will be held.  I like that we can then work the timing and days to our schedules.

Josh was pleased with the knowledge that I had about cardio / weights etc and also about macros.  Said that most of the time he had to spend half an hour just explaining foods and the differences between cardio / weights to potential clients. I explained too that I was doing low carb but open to working the macros out, and that I was on Dr Poon's plan which I wasn't willing to give up on as I'm having success.  Told him too that I had lost 30 pounds so far, and wanted to lose between 30 and 50 lbs more, but more importantly I needed to burn fat, get lean muscle.  Got more stars on knowing that!

This morning AJ said, when I asked what he wanted for breakfast, was "Want to go to Eggsmart?"  Apparently he's been wanting to go for a while.  So off we went.  I ordered an omelette with chicken, turkey bacon and spinach.  No home fries - and I didn't even eat ANY of AJ's - or toast.  The waitress said to the cook about no fries/toast.  He gave me a little garden salad.  That was perfect!  It was so nice of the two of them to offer me something else.  I didn't eat the tomatoes but the lettuce was refreshing with the omelette.  Also had coffee with protein powder which I mixed at home with almond milk.  Decided next time I could order the breakfast special, cheaper, with turkey bacon and lettuce.  I am so full, it's almost 2pm and I'm still not in the mood for lunch.  Tonight AJ is making that Valentines dinner.  Steak, mushrooms, zucchini, BBQ sauce...jello probably and tea.  Looking forward to it!

Feeling so much better last few days, having clearer goals... and taking complete B vitamins (probably helping).

PS - last night's healing session was insightful (too personal) and healing.  😇

Binge and Then Some

First the 'and then some' - yesterday I saw the Dr Poon.  Actually wasn't that bad. He did say I only lost 1/2 pound of water.  That wasn't great.  He was nice.  I think because all my visits showed some weight loss.  He did question me.  I figured it was mostly because I had basically stopped eating a lot of meat protein and was eating more bar proteins.  And not enough water (as usual).  In the end.... he wanted to see a 5 day food journal the next time.  I get to see him again in two weeks.  I'm ok with that, and with the food journal.  I suspect writing down my foods will help me keep more on track then doing the tracking in my head.  Also will keep me more in line with amount of meat protein.  I am eating still the allowable foods.

The binge you ask?  Yesterday morning instead of my usual pre weigh in vegan shake and tea, I had half a tablespoon of chia peanut butter (chia mixed in pb) and tea.  I was so over stressed about the weigh in.  Then after leaving the office I had a bar protein as usual.  I was starving by lunchtime.  I had seen a friend for a consult after Poon's.  The burger place AJ and I ended up in was very busy. The original place we couldn't find parking so we kept driving, and I got hungier. Even though the cheeseburger was very good, the place was too crowded to enjoy the food.  I also ended up eating the bottom bun, and half of AJ's fries, plus a few sips of canned Iced Tea.  Then we had a Tim's coffee, and I had 2 chocolate pieces.  I was full but not satisfied.

We got home, and later we had dinner.  Had a cinnamon/flax bagel with cottage cheese/jam on one half and liverwurst on the other.  All the counts in these things were ok.  Jello and tea.

THEN it hit.  I ate another package of chocolates, a bag of protein chips, then went back for a cloud bread with a huge slab of liverwurst.  After that I looked at AJ and said I'm binging.  He just nodded his head.  This is the first time in about 3 months (since I started) that I clearly binged.  I even think I ate another bar between there too.  All of the binge stuff was allowable, but not the amounts all together.  I couldn't stop.  After the last one of cloud/liverwurst I was finally full and done.

I suspect the over stress, the bad breakfast, little weight loss, the starving drive, the gobble inhaling lunch, and come down at home .... just hit everything in me and I couldn't stop or feel full / comfortable without all that food.  That part that deals with life with food - just needed to have a melt down.  I didn't punish myself over it, I didn't look in the mirror and say negative things to myself.  I just looked at AJ and made my comment outloud, recognized it and was at peace after it.

This morning I simply started again.  With a big breakfast to start eating proper again.  I had egg whites, portabello mushroom, slaw, bagel (allowed one) 1/2 with jam and cottage cheese, other with bit of butter and jam, BBQ sauce  (all toppings in proper low amounts), coffee with skinny mocha and a scoop of protein shake/water in it.  Coffee was good tasting.  Not that I'd do it all the time. I have trouble figuring out coffee - just don't like it black and milk/cream isn't good for me, even the Waldern's cream.

Lunch was grilled chicken and lettuce, with 1/2 fat dressing, halva square, tea. Wasn't totally starving with the good breakfast.  So having a proper light lunch was a smarter choice.  This way I also don't end up starving at dinner.

I have another appointment this evening so dinner plan is a cinn/flax bagel with pb and jam, tea and probably a jello.

I have started writing down my foods only because I want to track it and get back on track.  Instead of 5 days I will have more days to show.

Going for an energy healing session tonight.  The consult talk decided this would be a good idea to do a few.  Also will look into a personal trainer.  Though not today - I'm just not up for doing any exercise, even walk the dog in this nice sunshine today.  Think I need a bit of recovery time, so I'm going to read a book.

Here's Looking at You (no, ME)

AJ is a sweetie.  He says that I am looking slimmer.  Which is a wonderful help. Especially since I've been feeling like crap these last few weeks.  I soldier on with my Pooning, and dammit, I'm not giving up on me.  Yet still, the weight loss has been very, very, very slow.  Sigh.

Tomorrow I have a Poon weigh in, with the real Dr Poon.  Nervous to see him as I've heard he's a bit of a harda**.  And with my weight today, at 210 lbs, on my scale, it doesn't look like I will have much, if any, on the Poon scale.  It's heartbreaking in a way because I am exercising and shoveling, I'm watching my counts and foods, yet my body is barely moving in size or weight.   Even AJ confirms I am doing well with the foods.  He can't understand why with all the exercising, walking and snow shoveling my body isn't smaller.  So it's just not me wondering.

Yesterday's snow was so much and heavy, my usual 1 1/2 hours of shoveling took me almost 3 hours!  That's in one round of shoveling in one day.  Usually when we get a lot I go out a few times to shovel.  The day before I went out twice (hence 2 x 1 1/2 hours that day).  I'm so glad for the sun and semi-warmth today!  Even if I'm feeling wiped and down again.  Also not sleeping well again. Makes me want to comfort by eating still - but I know that's not the answer.

When AJ went to the photography committee meeting he came home and told me that one of the women there was commenting that I was looking slimmer - that I had lost weight and looked good.  😊  Then a few nights ago, when it was semi-warm out, around 9pm, I was walking Jax in my jammies (me in my jammies not him!) and a sweat jacket, when I saw our neighbour, Steve.  Steve said hi, and then said you've lost a lot of weight!  You look good.  Thanked him. 😊😊 My thought was, it's not that much yet, I still have another 30 - 50 pds to go....  Then I remembered I just need to learn to accept and be happy with the compliments.  Now, I wonder if my mother will notice....?

Today is 💕 Day.  AJ got me a card, and cards from the cats and dog. He's making dinner.  He also got me a two cat charm, Havanese Earrings, and a book called The Book of AWESOME.  Because I'm so AWESOME!   Did I tell you he's wonderful?  (He's AWESOME too)

Stalled for Illness

I'm having kidney pain / back pain.  Very tired, sleeping a lot.  Bit nausead. Missed the doctor Friday, will have to call Monday.  Have a Poon appoint on Wed Feb 15.  Started some UTI herbal pills I still have.  Seems to help a bit. That and stopping caffeine.  Do you know that caffeine can stall weight loss also?  I read that it helped to lose weight.  Either way, I'm off coffee for the moment to see if it will help my back/kidneys.

B - pancakes (eggs, cream cheese, chia ground), turkey bacon, hot chocolate/ marshmallows/skinny whip cream
L - turkey soup, chia/flax muffin, jam/parkay butter spray, tea
D - bok choy, trout, nupasta, jello, tea
S - donut

Not much in exercising, but still walked Jax twice today.  So glad I shoveled last night before going to bed... actually before getting into a hot soak.  I'm thinking of crossfit exercises.  Not today though, and feeling that I can't wait until the end of March for when AJ and I go to the physio exercising for 6 weeks.  I'm thinking that maybe I will look at LA Fitness - only because it's the closest around and see what they offer.  Going up to the gym here for cardio / weights is ok, but I'm interested in a trainer to help me really focus on spots.... like my tummy (per previous picture).  That's more of a core workout.  Have to look into it.

In the meantime, it's almost time for bed (yes, I know, it's only 630pm, but I'm ready for bed)

Thursday Ramble

Frosty out today.  Walked Jax up the street and turned around, too cold for me.  At least it's sunny out.  Will have to walk Jax later again.

Woke last night to the frost quakes booming around us.  Find them interesting to listen to.  Just as long as they don't shake our house!!!  Our house is on pillars in the ground as it's a modular type.  Dirt ground underneath.    Would love to get some new siding put on as it's so old (30 yrs) and it's a bit cool at times / or hot in the summer at times.  AJ and I talk of siding and then look at the bank account, wonder how we can do it.  Oh, see, I'm rambling off.

Went to art class today.  I enjoy it, but interestingly after I finished my painting - of either a stump or a rock (depends on how you see it - was to be a rock when I started..) I heard in my head - I'm finished with art.  Scary thing is, I didn't know if that ment I was finished for the day or finished going.  I hope it was just for the day.  I did leave early.

I'm in a bit of a funk today too.  I just so want this weight to come off, also feel a bit of a headache today.  I am glad at each pound that comes off, but still... I'd like a chunk to get me under 200 lbs. (I'm at Poon - 211 lbs.  weighed today at 212 lbs augh)   I did go to the gym today after art class - did 20 mins cardio, and 20 mins weights / stretches.  I'm not wanting to eat, and yet hungry.  Bad combo.  Funny thing is, I FEEL thinner, I feel I'm smaller.  Yet the scale doesn't say so, and neither do my tops or pants.  Though they tend to be stretchy ones so that's hard to gauge.  So I just keep exercising, walking, and eating those allowable foods (within proper amounts too!)  I just keep trying to drink water too.

Today's food (so far):
B - cran/flax muffin (from ONS store, approved), butter, jam, tea
L - broccoli salad (bit), some turkey meat, protein bar, pepperitte, tea
D - planning on - crepe (egg/chia/cream cheese), chicken, with mushrooms/ swiss chard / zucchini mix, BBQ sauce, tea.  Hoping for no dessert
S - if needed - cloud bread with jam

And water!

On the Skinny Syrup Road

So last time it was Lemon Donuts, yesterday it was Skinny Syrup.  Apparently via Facebook group for Poon, Skinny Syrup is THEE thing to have.  Can put it on coffee, on pancakes, in muffins......  And so much better the DeVinic's Syrup.

The thing is, with Skinny Syrup, if you see it - grab it.  Home Sense, Winners, and Marshall's are the stores that tend to sell them.  They sell out asap when the syrups come in.  And there are times when they just are not in stock for weeks.

Because of the pending ice storm today, raining at the moment, AJ and I went shopping yesterday.  Jax got to go to daycare.  AJ wanted to go to the mall to buy me something for 💖💑 Valentines Day.  So I dropped him off at the mall near Home Sense, remembered the Skinny Syrup craze, and found a bottle of Salted Caramel.  Now, caramel is one of my favs, even tho they say watch the salted ones as they are higher in salt.  I also found a Mocha Whipped Foam (for my hot chocolates I figured).  I had put them down to look at something, and a guy came by, he started to look at my bottle, I explained they were mine.  He was ok with it, as he was looking for Hazelnut.  Off I went to pay for them.

Went shopping for food at Loblaws, was pleased at the fact that I got 5 bags of groceries for $102.  Zehrs is very expensive and thought Loblaws would be too. Picked up AJ, off to another store, and another Home Sense (only because it was in the same area as we were).  Found two more bottles - Vanilla-Almond and Mocha.  The staff woman said they just came in, went in the back and found the Mocha bottle for me, there were only 2 bottles left on the shelf.

This morning I tried the Salted Caramel in my coffee.  Was good, too sweet - need to put in less, and think that instead of the Waldern's Caramel I will be able to have just black coffee with a bit of the Skinny in it.  Actually like it better then Waldern's.

This morning got back into my routine exercises before breakfast/shower.  30 mins of stretching and weighs.  Went to physio, got some more exercises he would like me to do, and both of us (AJ and I) went to the gym for 30 mins of cardio before going home again.  Pleased with getting in the exercising this morning.  Also doing the Facebook Poon Group Exercise challenge for the month - squats. Funny, I like doing squats.

Yeah, not a photo of me.... yet.

PS - those chocolates, still doing well, had 2 single ones so far, rest still in cupboard.  YES.

The Hunt for Donuts

Next week when I see Poon (and I will see the real Dr Poon as I am going early to the clinic - he will be the doctor seeing patients that early) - we are continuing down to Toronto.  So that means I really can't pick up any 'supplies' for the following two weeks.  When I was down for my weigh in, I wanted to pick up some Lemon Donuts.  They are good and a nice treat.  Realized that wasn't going to work for my next appointment, and that I really wasn't going to buy anything that needed to be frozen.  It would all melt during the day down in Toronto.

Saturday morning was a beautiful day.  As we where having breakfast AJ and I talked about going somewhere.  We are usually at a loss as to where to go.  We decided to go see my mother.  Which.....surprise surprise - there is a Poon clinic in Pickering.  So I called to see if they had any Lemon Donuts.  See when I went to weigh in, the Thornhill clinic was out of Lemon Donuts.

(they look almost like that)

Wasn't that convenient?  Problem was, when I called, they were out of them too. On to plan B.  Still seeing mom, and also stopping at the Low Carb store in Markham.  Called them, and yes, they had them in stock.  Since they are frozen, and the store was open until 6pm. we went to see mom first, had a nice visit, Jax loves to run in the backyard, and thru her house looking for the cats   Drove to the store on the way back home.

We laughed about this epic quest for lemon donuts. as it was a memory of previous epic quests we've had in the past.  Like looking for soft ice cream, or taco bell.  Mostly junk foods.  Just like the donuts, in a way.  Or not.  Depends on how one looks at it.

The thing about the Low Carb store is that it has a few things that the ONS Poon store doesn't have.  I still have to be very careful in the choices as they also have things that are higher in carbs that Poon allows.  Still it's nice to be able to have a few different things.  Picked up some Flax Cranberry bagels - so very good.  I little bottle of White Chocolate syrup for coffee.  Also a hot chocolate drink - cocoa and stevia mix.  Liked that idea better then using Protein Shake for hot chocolate.  So into the bag that went too.  They had some Protein chips - thought that would be a nice change too.  Of course, I got the donuts.  Have enough mix of things for the rest of the month.  I gambled and got a few chocolates too.  Will have to see how THAT goes!

Saturday meals:
B - eggs (1 egg, some whites), swiss chard, mushrooms, bean sprouts - omlette, 3/4 of an orange, coffee with 'creamer'
L -  (at mom's) tea/stevia, pancake (mine, brought it with), some chicken, lettuce, bit of dressing, small protein bar (bought smaller / half size bars instead of the full size ones, thought they would be better)
S - 1 piece chocolate (comes with 2 in a sleeve)
D - flax/cran bagel, 1/2 with butter and jam, other 1/2 with almond butter and jam, tea lemon/stevia
S - protein chips

Sozo

Yesterday was a busy day.

Started off seeing the nutritionist who after 15 mins told me I was on a very unhealthy diet as my protein was higher then my carbs.  Hence that was a quick, and ending appointment.  I totally disagree with her as I have been doing well, and I'm not nuts with the foods.  Low carb works for me, and works for my health.  She is going by the food guide beliefs.  The sad thing is, she has diabetic patients, and I'm sure they are struggling, needing more pills and if she would just tell them to lower the carbs/grains etc they would probably do better.  I know I am.

Next (after waiting 45 mins because of the quick appointment above) I saw the social worker.  She was helpful.  We talked, I told her what the nutritionist said etc.  And also that I had been feeling down, struggling with the foods/eating.  I also told her I went to church with a friend from art class.  I was looking forward to my Sozo with the healers that day too.  As we talked I realized that my weight and my spending were connected.  Basically I try to control both, and the more I micro manage them, the worst they both get.  I decided after much thinking for my Sozo that I would just simply talk about my weight/food/eating and spending.

I was looking forward to the Sozo, and I wasn't disappointed.  It was healing. I'm not going to get into what happened in detail. What ended up being on the healing table was poverty (spending) and .... sexuality.  I saw that the struggle I had been having with weight loss the last few weeks involved my fears and beliefs about my sexual worth.  I was abused as a child.  (I knew this already, and have had lots of therapy on it)  As I wrote long ago, both times I lost a lot of weight I was looking for a man, and basically thought I was only good for one thing - so that's what I gave in hopes of getting love.  I am very clear that this weight loss is not about that.  But the old tapes/beliefs were surfacing.  That my worth ($$) was only in my sex, and my losing weight now would show that again.  I was struggling against that belief.  They healed that stuff in the name of Jesus/God.  I'm fine with this type of healing.  I know it's not for everyone, but for me it's good.  I will go back to the church, and when I feel it's time, go back for another Sozo.

Today was Poon day.  I was accepting and prepared to hear that A) I had not lost weight or B) I had gained some weight.  I was hoping for C) I had lost weight. Especially since my scale wasn't budging.  I knew no matter what the results, I needed to go and be accountable for my actions and my weight.  It was / is what it is.  I got C.  Hurray!!!  Even though it was only 2 pounds down, I was grateful again.  This time it was all 2 pds of fat.

I do since yesterday feel lighter and look forward to working again on my next two weeks.  To do better with my snacks - instead of every hour or two, have them as they are meant - every 3-4 hours apart.  To go and exercise.  When I spoke with the social worker, she suggested I have a goal to work towards to help me stay motivated.  My goal - to get into a jacket and pants I have from when I was slimmer.  They have a gold design on the bottom and I like them.

WARNING:   I can get them on, but not close/zip them.  So if you don't want to see..... stop here and don't look!


this is me so far:

I know, I really have to work on that belly.  For some reason, my belly is not going down.   Goals....goals..... goals!