I'm In The $$$$

Remember that song?  I'm in the money..... I'm in the money......

I've been EFT (tapping) for weeks now.  AJ has joined me.  We finished the 21 day abundance and now doing the $100,000 in 30 days - but we are saying 1 million in 30 days.  Then I also had that session with Joan to clear some issues, ended up money involved.

With all that..... I must be in the money!!!

Working at visualizing the money in the account too.  Sent Joan an email, and she said to create the handing of the cheque to me, the noise in the room etc too.  And keep positive.  Dream the dream don't let down times get to me.  So I'm believing.  I am sure that I (we) have joyous, happy money that will let us live comfortably for the rest of our lives.  Pay off those bills (mortgage etc), get that SUV and get that BED MATTRESS!  Yes.

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We went to Kitchener today to visit a friend.  When we lived in the condo in Scarborough, AJ's neigbour would say hi.  When I moved in, I said hi too.  Then a year later her husband died and I left her a flower pot.  She was delighted?  Since then we talk off and on.  She later moved in with her daughter - and her son-in-law (they were divorcing) bought her condo.  Son-in-law was ill and died a few years ago and now grandson lives in the condo.  She asked us to come visit.  I said yes, and told AJ we'd better go - she's going to be 90 in November.  She's a very lovely proper Scottish lady.  Nice to visit her.  Glad we did.

We then went out for lunch.  Was at her place about 11am and visited for a while.  

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Jax got to go to Tail Waggin and played/ran in the woods.  He's wiped tonight! ha ha.

Feel bad and heartbreaking for the other daycare that he goes too.  On FB there was a lost dog post - one that he goes to also.  They do offer to walk dogs, but use the side road, which is quiet.  It looks like a small runner dog that got loose on a walk as it has a purple leash attached.  I pray they find/get him.  That's heartbreaking for them and of course for the owner of the dog.  I would be mental!  One of the reasons I guess that I have never taken the extra walk that they offer.  I wonder if they will continue that service after this.

Jax and Princess get to go there next week overnight (on Tuesday).  We want to see how Princess will do in the kennel so we can go away for Christmas.

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We also got a topper for the bed when we were in Kitchener.  Have to let it expand for 48 hours.  Hopefully it will help in the meantime.

Postings.... NOT

One thing about Facebook is that some people post things that are too true.

I try not to read them.

Unfortunately yesterday I accidentally got pulled in and read the post.  And wanted to vomit and cry.  Basically (I will not post it here) it was a post from a dog fighter and how he 'collects' dogs and cats, even gets his wife to dress nice and get the dog or cat.  There was a photo too of a dog with duct tape around it's mouth.

I know there are so many people that are so ..... cruel.

Makes my heart so sick and I struggle to remain alive when I read or hear about things like this.  Not just towards animals - wild or domestic, but babies, children, everyone.  The feeling that goes thru me, I can't even explain.  I don't even want to know why they do it - I just wish it would stop.  But this world doesn't create an ability for this to happen - so far.  

What a world.

Yes, there are those that help, and those people are so amazing, able to deal with those things.  Yes, there is beauty in this world too.  And the more positive energies are sent around the world, the more, hopefully, the world becomes lighter, heals, and those cruel things will no longer happen.  Not fast enough for me. Or those who suffer....

Late at night, when I can't sleep, like last night, the morbid ego bring these thoughts back up.  And in the dark they are even more heartbreaking.  Requires a lot of light and mantra prayers to clear them and let them go.


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Last night I started to cut the grass.  Got a bit done and then with the dark and chest pains, had to stop.  Finished it early this morning.  Now I just have the front grass to cut.

Didn't sleep well again.  Ended up back in the family room on the pull out.  It's a bit softer.  Told AJ I was just going to sleep there tonight.  I need some sleep.  I feel sick.  Booked to see that NP about my stomach.  Going to drag AJ with me to have him talk.  She's on holidays right now so I have to wait 2 weeks.  

I wish health wise I had a reset button sometimes.  Just to try to get things back to a start point where it's either more manageable, or healthier.  I hate the down, wiped, crying, pain, sad, nauseated, spacey, hungry-not hungry waves that come over me and last for days on end.

On a happier note: 

Down The Line

Not much to say again.  Kinda boring last few days.  Methoxrate made me spacey and wiped too.  Last night took an Advil so now I'm really spacey and wiped.  Not sure if it was the weather or the MTX that was giving me the headache.  Advil really didn't help my stomach tho..... think I have ulcers again.  Have some symptoms, AJ says to go get it checked.  That requires me to see the blessed NP.... don't want to see her and have her say, you probably have ulcers - take some Antacids.  Oh really?  Besides I don't believe or like to take antacids.  I do have some herbal ph balance pills that help, and have been taking them.  AJ thinks I should get scoped again to check.  Have had those scopings because of stomach issues.  Eh, will see.

My session with Joan was interesting.  Came up with 5 generations back on my mother's side that woman had an issue with money and lost it.  Created into the DNA of that side downwards a belief about money and not being able to have it / keep it / end up losing it etc.  Did healing on that and brought forward the healing.  I can see in my grandmother and mother that same issue about money.  I do feel a sense of a shift around money and abundance.  Next day I got $10 from AJ because he had won $40.  That was nice.  (he bought another ticket and kept $10 for himself - shares equally)  Also still doing that tapping.  Have to finish the last one of the 21 days today.  Then we will start the 30 day $100,000.00.  

Changed the bedding and put some comforters down on my side...sorta helps but not great.  Need to buy a better topper if we don't get the other mattress.

James came and did the stones around the bird feeder last week.  Looks much better then the dirt ...that grows the dropped seeds.  Hopefully will be easier to keep clean.

Really need to cut the grass, but the weather went hot and humid again.  Then there are the trees that need trimming.

Got a new house cleaner - at least going to try this company.  Every 3 weeks.  Need to budget that in.  I just have trouble with cleaning.  The other one was good just didn't click with her.  This one, I liked the woman, but it's her cleaners that will come.  I'm optimistic about it.  And optimistic we will be able to continue having them show up.

Going tomorrow to see Cate for a laser treatment.  After the last one, those 2 weeks were a bit of a struggle.  Will see how this goes and the weeks after.  Also get a massage - she offered if free with the completion of the lasering.  Sure!  Where am I with that you ask?  (not not, but going to get an answer!)  I'm doing good.  I have days that I eat - did get that fish and chips a while ago.  Down 12 lbs since July 9th.  Could have done better - but then, I'm aiming for life not goal this time.

Hot day - made cauliflower soup with ham for lunch!  ha ha ha.

There you go.... such excitement I know.

  

Unicorns

Apparently I was asked to join the Unicorn FB group that Michelle decided to start.

Basically for awesome women. 

And since I am Fabulously Awesome, I got to join!  Ha ha ha.

It's just a light hearted page.  Was nice of her to ask me to join.  Yes, of course, Kim is part of the group.  

Had coffee with Michelle this morning.  Nothing but a bit of chit chat.  

Have James here today working at the bird feeder.  He's putting down the cement - will be nice not having things sprouting from the fallen food.  Much easier to keep clean.

Have my appointment tonight with Joan.  Look forward to that.

Went back on Methoxrate this week.  Shot on Tuesday.  Was in Walmart and all I could feel was my insides screaming with each step I took.  My hips hurt.  Bit spacey still.  And I've been up since 5am - lousy night sleep, trouble sleeping cuz of pain.  Also the mattress isn't soft enough.  I keep telling AJ we should have bought that $3,000 mattress and box spring (with massager in it) when we moved into this place, but it was an expense he didn't want to do, so we bought a $800 mattress.....and another foam $200 topper.... should have trusted me and just bought the better one.....  Have to go and see if I can find another topper that's softer.  I have never been able to sleep well in this place or that bed.  One of the first things I will do when our million dollar cheque clears and goes into our bank.... yup, by that mattress!  That money is coming to us NOW!  That money is here NOW!  Thank God I'm Rich!  

This unicorn is ready for a nap.

Slight Headache?

In the back off the kitchen we have a semi door.  It's the door I use to let Jax out into the back yard.  It's also the door I can look out to watch the birds at the feeders.

Woke one morning, got up, down the stairs, into the kitchen, ready to let Jax out for his morning pee.... and thru the window I saw:

Actually, I saw his back.  I got my camera and took a picture.  Then I wondered.... could I get a photo of him (her?) if I opened the door a bit?  So I tried.  And then I wondered if it was still alive as it wasn't moving.  I went out.  Jax so wanted to come out too.  I checked the bird and it was stunned.  I moved it onto the statue of the cat so that Jax could come out.  Of course I took more photos.

Eventually he took off.  Guessing he had come in to the peanut feeder, near the steps, got one and instead of flying off into the outside, he went in and under into the deck and then into the door.  Must have had one owe of a headache.

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Joan's response from the other day email:

This is good.  Maybe when we do the process on Thursday, try to be open to going to the past.  Not with what happened in this life.  To a past life when a simliar situation happened and was first created.  If we can get to that time, it will automaticlly erase it in this life time.  You might want to take tihe time to go deep by a little hypnotherapy process and then your thinking mind can close down for a bit and we can access information from your heart.  This is how I have done alot of healing that I can acually feel myself kind of unwinding a few days after I have done the process.  I find this is good for deep, deep wounds.  

You take good care of yourself and remember you have done an amazing job on all the healing you have done so far.  Be happy with yourself.  Know that you will heal this this part too.  

Big hug,

It sounds more correct.  Will work towards our Thursday meeting.

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Follow up....  on the TMI - so if you don't want to know, skip this spot and wait for the next post!  ha ha ha 😜

Remember I needed to use some cream, down there and up there...... well, I've been faithful at using it, but, it looks like sex the old fashion way is out for me.  It's just way, way too painful.  I could go back to the NP and state that, but when I did mention it the other time I saw her, she said to just keep working slowly at it.  

Man, there's work for me - to not bless her with this issue so that she knows how it feels - and bless her was a naive little chick telling her to just keep at it or else, too bad.  

Little Red Light

I was watched all night last night as I slept.  Each time I woke I could see the red light from the camera.....

Thankfully I was at a sleep clinic and they do that kind of thing!

As far as sleep clinics go, they were pretty relaxed.  Didn't get as many wires on as the last couple of sleep clinics I went to.  The room was fine.  The bed and pillow were ok.  Only issues, I could see the light thru the cracks of the door, and the neigbour on one side woke me with their snoring.  The best clinic I have ever been to is the one in Oshawa, Ont.  They have a perfect room!

I don't think it will come out that I need a machine.... at least I hope I don't need one.  I sleep around the house as it is, and a machine will make that difficult to do.  

Again what I found was I felt the need to sleep a bit up on a slant as my chest made breathing a bit sore.  The chair I have helps with that.  I think I need a wedge in bed, or better yet, one of those machine beds that tilt up!  Perfect!  That would be wonderful!  Will get it once the millions of $$$$$ comes rolling in......

Drive there and back was quiet.  Except for me singing.  Got home this morning and AJ was wake.  Was surprised as I thought he would have been back into bed.  Jax and Princess were so ready for breakfast.  And Jax was thrilled with me home.  Once AJ was dressed, we went to Timmy's for his breakfast (I had coffee and bar in car on the way home from Sarnia),  Then off to the dog park - for a wet grass run, and home for a bath.  (Jax got both, not us)  

It's not even 9am yet and I'm ready for lunch!  Wonder what I will do for the next few hours.  Could shower and get the guck out of my hair.

Get to talk with Joan this week.  Sent her a message for set up.  She wanted me to think on why I didn't completely love myself.  Emails....

me

Morning!

Sorry it took til Sunday to pay.  I got it at night when I saw it, and then just wasn't close to my credit card each time I saw the invoice.  Made a point of it this morning tho! 😉

Have been thinking on why I don't completely love myself.  I get responded with not from this life.  Nothing else.  Is this correct?  Or just me not seeing something?  I haven't overly tried hard to focus on it.  So I don't know my thoughts at the moment.

Other then that, I did miss a tapping - just didn't have it in me, and the internet was down.  Last nights was - Thank God I'm Rich!

Hugs.

Joan

Morning,

No worries about the payment.

Your not completely loving yourself because something that happened in the past is stuck in your memory.  At that moment in time when that incident happened, you decided you were not perfect and felt this was very unacceptable.  I sense you were confused and felt that you weren't loved at that time.  When we have those feelings we can feel that we do not love ourselves.  When we have a past memory that we have been wounded by, we cut ourselves off of loving us unconditionally.  In the next week try to catch yourself thinking, I will love myself if I get to the perfect weight, I will love myself if I have lots of money, I will love myself if.....................  We have to get to a point where we love ourselves the way we are and for all our life experiences.  Its not an easy process and does take time to get there, but is worth getting there.  Love and honor youself for you, who you are.  Because you are a beautiful, kind, loving, precious person.  Start telling yourself   "I love you  and I am so proud of myself.  Next session if we do the healing session a memory will come that is blocking you from totally loving yourself.  I feel its going to be very helpful for you.

You have a wonderful day.  Sending you some love energy.

Hugs,

Week later I wrote:

me

Hope things are going well.

My report..... Not sure there is much.

1.  Finished laser weekly.  Sorta ok.  Bit emotional eating.

2.  With Forrest dead we are trying to get Luci to eat other foods as cans too much.  Looking at saving money too.  Really doing and looking at that and choices.  Still doing the tapping.

3.  Most interesting?   I woke the other night.... I knew I dreamt of my father.  I tried to recall it and the pieces.  In order:

Something about father.

Thinking on it - 

Felt: we had been talking 

Felt: he had a perplexed look

Felt:. I don't believe or trust that look....could be true but knowing him, not logical.  Or am I projecting and he is confused.

Felt: spider.   Not sure but think there was a spider.  Thinking I heard the word spider.

Then dreamed morphed into me trying to get back to a guy who didn't really want me but I was trying to get him to.  I was also talking with a woman about him.  Man/guy did not look like my father.

Felt:. I was somewhat ???? angry but not the right word or feeling.

Felt: something about judgemental

Felt: I was trying to have sex again with him or convince him to have sex again.

Felt: there was more to the story dream 

I could not grasp the dream really just the edges.  Don't know if dreaming father and other guy was one dream or to different.  All I know is I woke suddenly and I knew I dreamt of father.  I was not upset or angry or sad when I woke or knowing I dreamt of him 

That's about it for my excitement.  Hope yours is much more fun and enjoyable!  😀

Talk Thursday.

Hugs

Joan

Good afternoon Beaautiful,

 

From having the dream about your father and maybe the other guy, might be worth explorig your memories about him/them.  There is a key there, I feel alot is around your dad.

You have a wonderful weekend.  Looking forward to next Thursday.

Big hug,

Realized I left out a tidbit on that dream afterwards:

When I thought about it, I had been talking to the woman telling her I was going to tell him what I thought.  Felt this was where I was being judgmental.  Yet, I also at that same time want his attention.

That night after the emails, I thought about the dream again and about father/guy.  I wondered if I really had to think on them.  I heard/felt....wait, the woman.  That's when I remembered the tidbit I forgot to write about.  And I wondered if she was more important.

I wondered if the woman was my mother, and now know, that she knew about it.... in the dream she was trying again to get me to not confront him or deal with it as then I would have to deal with her and her part.... and she didn't want to deal with her knowing.  

Maybe the 'not completely loving' has more to do with my mother teaching me not to trust myself then my father's abuse which I have dealt a lot with.

I know I have struggled with the belief of 'if I'm perfect at....' then I will MAYBE be loved and acceptable.  Which is where I get so very judgmental.  Mostly and especially on myself. It rolls somewhat towards the actions of others as I can't understand why they get to be 'bad' and yet get away with it or people accept their actions without punishment..... but me, I get punishments.

Seriously, I get so worn at having to go back to remember things that I barely can access remembering to bring up things that I can't seem to clearly grasp so that I can move forward which just stalls me in confusion and wondering.  Ugh.  Then I get judgy and bitchy about unable to remember and wanting to so that I can get it dealt with........ double Ugh.

Well, That Explains It

I must have been tired the other day when I semi-posted.  Apparently I didn't even have a title for that post!

I don't really know why I'm so wiped lately.  Just am.

When I went for my tattoos the guy was telling me of another daycare for Jax.... I brought him there.  It was nice, lots of open space and woods.  VERY nervous leaving him as they basically have big dogs.  He did great and enjoyed being there.  Ended up calling them last night that I had to drop him off at 730am in the morning as I got an appointment to see the sleep doctor.  They were fine with it.  And now, he's wiped and sleeping.  He does look in the photos that he's having fun.  I like that they post morning and afternoon what is happening - lots of photos.  

I have him scheduled for Sept 13 to go again, and today she told me there was another woman with a nervous havi.  Wendy (owner) told her about Jax and the woman is going to plan to bring her dog in to be with Jax.  That will be good for Jax too.  He is with semi-big dogs, but he really is the smallest there.  They say that Jax is so good off leash, and with the other dogs.  Apparently today they let him be with a boxer - who does not like little dogs per owner of dog - and they were fine together.  I said, but that's because Jax knows how to get along and isn't a fighter.  She agreed.

When I went to do that lung test, she had said she was going to suggest me go have a sleep test again.  Surprisingly I got a cancellation appointment today to see the doc, who decided to test me to see if the sleep apnea is back.  I got to go in this Saturday.  AJ will be in charge at home! ha ha ha.

I wonder if my chest pain is actually my stomach or acid.  Will just have to continue on.  I'm sorta noticing a bit of more pain when I eat something that flares me too.  Not that I know exactly what I ate, but there are times.  

With the pasting of Moonbeam, Princess has been grieving, quietly, but still.  We decided to try changing the foods as she's not eating a full small can anymore.  We will end up spending and wasting too much cat food that way.  Jax eats kibble but not always all of it either.  I happened to be in Bark and Fitz and they had raw food.  It was prepackaged.  Decided to try it.  Found out too that the pet store here sells it too - with a company special - by 12 get 13th free.  It is cheaper in the long run.  Jax eats his meals in one lick!  Princess... not so much.  What we are going to with her food is a) try another flavour of raw, b) buy for her Primal Dehydrated Raw cat food and give her some of the other raw as she likes.  We have to figure something out or else we will be in trouble with her.  Hope that works out, and she will get enough of the nutrients she needs.

Just don't have it in me today.  I'm tired.  

Ta

Bathroom Door

When we moved into this house, we had to start closing the family room floor, bathroom door because Moonbeam had a thing with the little rug in there.  I guess he figured going down one more flight of stairs was a pain and much easier just to go into the bathroom and pee on that rug instead.  If the door was closed he would go downstairs.

It seems weird at the moment to leave the door open now.  Still have a bit of a thought first thing in the morning - that he's going to come for his morning scratchies and then remember no - he's gone.

Then I feel guilty that I have a feeling of relief and gladness that he is gone.  How horrible is that?????  I guess for over a year I knew, and I would wake so often wondering if today was the day.  The stress of waiting and wondering and wondering if he's in pain, wondering what if anything, should I do.  I hate that the most I think - wondering if I should do something.  I had brought him in before and everything came back fine, even though I didn't feel it.  And this time, every time I talked about bringing him in, then backing out of it.... I wonder if I should have, just to easy any pain he had.  I got the feeling often that he was in some pain. But also felt he didn't want to be brought in - or maybe I didn't want to deal with it... that makes me sadder.

+++++

I have two facebook accounts, as I was one name when I was a child and another as an adult.  Separate the two lives and distance myself from the childhood life.  I rarely get anything on the child facebook - and as I go thru names, it's hard to remember if I remember them.  Only Ronnie Taylor is who I remember most.  And just because of his one kind act he did one day.  Teasing or bulling was part of childhood from grade school peers.  It was exhausting along with family issues. Made it thru.  And I've come to realize more and more, how these things shaped me.

One of the girls that I am fb friends with commented on AS (can't spell the full thing, it's on the RA lines) I felt to comment I understand.  She commented back, which lead to a few pm back and forth.  Thing is, besides not really knowing who she is, I think she was older then me, so not my grade.  As I wrote I could feel anger coming up.  Not towards her - just in general towards those from grade school.  

The more I thought about it, the more I could sense resentment, anger, forgiveness.  I wish they would say sorry to me instead of all these 'wonderful memories'.  Which again are more kids older then me and not my group of grade school.  Why don't I find those of my age on fb?  Or are they there and I'm missing them/ not connecting the names?  Then I thought a plain 'sorry' wasn't going to cut it.  I wanted to hear why they were sorry.  Then I thought... so what then?  Does it really make a difference?  I am who I am.  Maybe it does - and reality is I will not get it.  I noticed there seems to be a part that holds onto and will not forgive them - hence the anger and resentments.  

That sucks.  

Same with my father - I will never get a sorry from him.

So that shows me I still hold onto resentment, anger, and forgiveness.  How sad is that!  I understand that all this stuff happened over half a century ago.  Why do I need to hold onto it then?  I would much rather let it go.  It doesn't solve anything.  

But a part of me screams - I want to hear someone say they are sorry for the pain they cause me!!!!!  Little girl in me.

Makes me think how much I struggle with resentment or forgiveness when I read things in the paper.  They anger me how people hurt animals, little children, others - especially when I read how they get off from charges, and even more when the charges are repeated ones.

Makes me wonder if I can ever grow and change if I still fall into those feelings, or let the long ago past bring up those feelings again and again.

Probably explains Joan's comment - I feel there's still a part of you that just completely does not love yourself.

Upright Beech

 

Moonbeam's tree came today.  We buried him this morning and later John brought us the tree.  I hope he likes where I placed him.  I like to think he does.  He's actually the first pet, had about 15 already, that I got the body back and was able to bury him.

I'm still on the edge of sadness.  Yesterday was a bit harder then the first day.  Woke up knowing he wasn't coming for his morning scratches and breakfast etc.  Today just feels down.

I still have Princess and Jax who will, hopefully, live a long time.  But I just don't want anymore pets.  I know I might change my mind, but I hope I don't.  I am finding this part too hard as the years go on.  I know it's not the sad to remember, but I feel sick about it.  And cat wise, well, with Princess I still need to find someone who is able to stay with her if we go anywhere.  Michelle will come to feed her and bit with her for a bit, but I'd like a back up that will come and read a book for a few hours and just sit with her.  Jax can go into the kennel.  Princess into the kennel.... not sure she would do good.  It will be easier to just have Jax one day.  I need Princess though, I love cats, and I'm not ready for her to leave me.  Maybe the cattery will be ok............


Took Jax to a new day care.  They had the wilds - forest and woods (ok same thing), they looked a bit disorganized as in they are still building the place.  But everything I have read about them - people love it.  And Tim is a dog trainer.  They had mostly big dogs so that makes me wonder.  Then again, Jax is good with dogs - just likes little ones better.

Princess and Jax are going on a eating plan change too.  They could be slimmer.  So they can join us!

I cleaned the gardens again.  When John came I asked him about a few plants - which he explained were weeds.  Why did these other people plant so many weeds???????  

With my chest, still pains.  I've been having them and have decided to try more water.  I noticed the other day - attempting to drink more water - that the pain wasn't as bad.  I now just need to remember water, water, water.

Yeah, it's a funky post, fits with my unfocused, funky mood.  

Good Bye

Difficult day.  

Good bye.  Gone.  Dead.  Sad.  Loved.

Got an appointment yesterday for today.  AJ and I brought him in.  Last night and for a few days he hasn't been eating much.  He was throat swallowing often.  And then... peeing on the rug.  (threw that out today)

Vet looked.  Said appeared like kidney failure.  His grass eating to try to calm his stomach.  Kidney failure causes toxins to release into the bloodstream and makes them nauseated.  His gums were white - anemia.  She agreed with us.

She took him back to put a catheter in his paw.  She then gave him a sedative.  She brought him to us... and she said whoa, that calmed him fast, he must be in a lot of pain as it relaxes and is a pain killer.  She said he was was so ready.

After the other needle, Moonbeam went fast.

We took him home.  We went and ordered a purple beech tree.  Will come on Saturday.  Moonbeam's body is in the freezer, wrapped up.

Yes, I bawled.  And I'm sad today.