Bathroom Door

When we moved into this house, we had to start closing the family room floor, bathroom door because Moonbeam had a thing with the little rug in there.  I guess he figured going down one more flight of stairs was a pain and much easier just to go into the bathroom and pee on that rug instead.  If the door was closed he would go downstairs.

It seems weird at the moment to leave the door open now.  Still have a bit of a thought first thing in the morning - that he's going to come for his morning scratchies and then remember no - he's gone.

Then I feel guilty that I have a feeling of relief and gladness that he is gone.  How horrible is that?????  I guess for over a year I knew, and I would wake so often wondering if today was the day.  The stress of waiting and wondering and wondering if he's in pain, wondering what if anything, should I do.  I hate that the most I think - wondering if I should do something.  I had brought him in before and everything came back fine, even though I didn't feel it.  And this time, every time I talked about bringing him in, then backing out of it.... I wonder if I should have, just to easy any pain he had.  I got the feeling often that he was in some pain. But also felt he didn't want to be brought in - or maybe I didn't want to deal with it... that makes me sadder.

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I have two facebook accounts, as I was one name when I was a child and another as an adult.  Separate the two lives and distance myself from the childhood life.  I rarely get anything on the child facebook - and as I go thru names, it's hard to remember if I remember them.  Only Ronnie Taylor is who I remember most.  And just because of his one kind act he did one day.  Teasing or bulling was part of childhood from grade school peers.  It was exhausting along with family issues. Made it thru.  And I've come to realize more and more, how these things shaped me.

One of the girls that I am fb friends with commented on AS (can't spell the full thing, it's on the RA lines) I felt to comment I understand.  She commented back, which lead to a few pm back and forth.  Thing is, besides not really knowing who she is, I think she was older then me, so not my grade.  As I wrote I could feel anger coming up.  Not towards her - just in general towards those from grade school.  

The more I thought about it, the more I could sense resentment, anger, forgiveness.  I wish they would say sorry to me instead of all these 'wonderful memories'.  Which again are more kids older then me and not my group of grade school.  Why don't I find those of my age on fb?  Or are they there and I'm missing them/ not connecting the names?  Then I thought a plain 'sorry' wasn't going to cut it.  I wanted to hear why they were sorry.  Then I thought... so what then?  Does it really make a difference?  I am who I am.  Maybe it does - and reality is I will not get it.  I noticed there seems to be a part that holds onto and will not forgive them - hence the anger and resentments.  

That sucks.  

Same with my father - I will never get a sorry from him.

So that shows me I still hold onto resentment, anger, and forgiveness.  How sad is that!  I understand that all this stuff happened over half a century ago.  Why do I need to hold onto it then?  I would much rather let it go.  It doesn't solve anything.  

But a part of me screams - I want to hear someone say they are sorry for the pain they cause me!!!!!  Little girl in me.

Makes me think how much I struggle with resentment or forgiveness when I read things in the paper.  They anger me how people hurt animals, little children, others - especially when I read how they get off from charges, and even more when the charges are repeated ones.

Makes me wonder if I can ever grow and change if I still fall into those feelings, or let the long ago past bring up those feelings again and again.

Probably explains Joan's comment - I feel there's still a part of you that just completely does not love yourself.