I heard that RH is very, very strict! I am going to go thru my luggage again to make sure that I have NOTHING that will cause me to be kicked out. I really want to be there for the 21 days. It does have my anxiety a bit on edge because of them being so strict, so I just keep believing I will make the 21 days. Went today a bought a PRESTO card for the Go Train and subway. Have a few tokens for the subway in case the Presto card doesn't work there or on the streetcars. Makes it easier then carrying around so much money and tokens. Confirmed my arrival with them - it's all a go!
AJ asked me today what 'last meals' I was still wanting. Basically just Wood Pie in Barrie - they make very good pizza, and if I'm going to have a last pizza, I would like a very good one. Taco Bell taco and a Dairy Queen blizzard. I know, SERIOUSLY Taco Bell?? It's just a maybe, I don't know what else kinda thought. I really can't think of anything else I really want to have. I know we will have bagels - oh that's another one - (not the bagel) but brie cheese. I don't do well with dairy (I know, I know Dairy Queen) and brie cheese will tire me out... but it's cheese! Dairy will be on that list of things with sugar/wheat/grains. It is not something my body likes.
Speaking of - my body doesn't like cucumbers that much either. How interesting. Or radishes. Then again it's radishes - one can live without those!!! Just don't tell AJ I said that. :)
Funny how over time there are foods that the body just doesn't want anymore. I personally have found that with myself. Though I think even as a child I was reacting to foods but didn't know it. I knew as a child I just didn't want to drink milk - white or chocolate. It was something that didn't agree with me. Ice cream and chocolates.... those I could get down. ha ha ha.
Today is Halloween - what a great day as a child!!! Or an adult. :) Didn't buy a box of chocolates - to be honest, I do stare at them at the store. Problem is the boxes have the ones I like in them and have ones I don't like. If I can find them with what I like and AJ likes, that's better. Then again, I really don't need them. Especially considering November 1 - tomorrow, I go see Dr Poon!!!
Ta
Monday, October 31, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
The MEgan Heart
Sigh. My MEgan heart is at it again. I'll be interested to see how this plays out in my life over the years to come. (For those reading, or don't remember, MEgan is not the girl name, but my desire to be a vegan but yet having meat in my mouth).
I continue to look at vegan recipes. The aka idea of Food Porn I guess. I can see at this point, I will eventually go back to more being vegan. Maybe even totally!
I'm not going to get into the discussion of meat vs vegan vs vegetarian etc. I believe that's something each person has to know in their own hearts. Yes, one needs to be informed.
Besides, I went to a shop offering How to Become a Vegan class. It really was WHY to become a Vegan class. They showed gross pictures. I think when I put my fingers in my ears, closed my eyes, and lalalalalala'd to myself - they talked louder and later glared at me. Never went back. Really lost a customer. That wasn't why I was there. I didn't need that. I'm too soft-hearted with animals as it is. It pains me. Enough on that.
I do look for friendly, grass-fed meats. There are some places around here that offer that. Being low carb means most protein does come from meat. Especially starting off on low carb. My hope is once I'm at my weight, I am able in to re-introduce more plant proteins without weight gain. Only time will tell with this.
Some days I feel much better with just the veg meals, seems it's easier on my stomach. Today I feel kinda doped and burny - had dairy and salsa yesterday. Not in the mood or have the energy to do much today. Still have some outside work to finish before I go. Counting down the days.
Do you know what they call Bacon? The Vegan Killer. ha ha I thought that was funny when I heard it. Think it was on Eat: The Story of Food. Still watching food movies. Can't find anymore on Sugar, and that Carb one. Guess I will have to check with the library if they have them. Tomorrow is VON exercises. That will help with getting me into they yard in the afternoon.
As Poon will probably say; Eat those Greens!
I continue to look at vegan recipes. The aka idea of Food Porn I guess. I can see at this point, I will eventually go back to more being vegan. Maybe even totally!
I'm not going to get into the discussion of meat vs vegan vs vegetarian etc. I believe that's something each person has to know in their own hearts. Yes, one needs to be informed.
Besides, I went to a shop offering How to Become a Vegan class. It really was WHY to become a Vegan class. They showed gross pictures. I think when I put my fingers in my ears, closed my eyes, and lalalalalala'd to myself - they talked louder and later glared at me. Never went back. Really lost a customer. That wasn't why I was there. I didn't need that. I'm too soft-hearted with animals as it is. It pains me. Enough on that.
I do look for friendly, grass-fed meats. There are some places around here that offer that. Being low carb means most protein does come from meat. Especially starting off on low carb. My hope is once I'm at my weight, I am able in to re-introduce more plant proteins without weight gain. Only time will tell with this.
Some days I feel much better with just the veg meals, seems it's easier on my stomach. Today I feel kinda doped and burny - had dairy and salsa yesterday. Not in the mood or have the energy to do much today. Still have some outside work to finish before I go. Counting down the days.
Do you know what they call Bacon? The Vegan Killer. ha ha I thought that was funny when I heard it. Think it was on Eat: The Story of Food. Still watching food movies. Can't find anymore on Sugar, and that Carb one. Guess I will have to check with the library if they have them. Tomorrow is VON exercises. That will help with getting me into they yard in the afternoon.
As Poon will probably say; Eat those Greens!
Saturday, October 29, 2016
After reading Poonapalooza
Feeling better...able to ramble!
I finished reading the past journey of Leigh - Poonapalooza and Punchapalooza - it is truly inspiring for me what is wrote. It really helped me to remind me that I will need to completely let go of sugar/wheat/grains. I needed to sit for weeks and hours and read her complete journey. Now I also follow her FaceBook page.
Ironically reading her story is similar to going to an AA or OA meeting and listening to someone share their life experience. I guess that's why I found her blog so enlightening, I can relate. She writes of understanding that she binge eats and learns her limits, of what motivated her and the whats of life.
I have moved on to other blogs, but they aren't as lasting as Poonapalooza or as ...delightful.... it's about the only word I can currently think of. They are helpful as I can see where they are coming off the rails in some ways (from my own understanding and limited knowledge - so much easier to see in others then in self!!!!) They write one day being excited of starting and that's it. Came across some that also mention Leigh but then... Just one day, or a few days and they are gone. A few are a little longer. At least I will have something to remind me of the journey if I run into challenges. Well, that and hopefully Dr Poon's Facebook group.
I don't think I will be able to do the exercises as Leigh does. It does cause me to WANT to as I read what she's doing, but I hear my body screaming no! Not in a way that says no exercise, but more in a way that says I can't do that much, too extreme for my body. I don't see me even wanting! to run long distance in the rain, snow, sleet, freezing cold or even on a nice day. Maybe a nice day little sprint would be fine - as in a few houses while walking. Did that before in my years of exercising for hours, and some backwards walking - but not hours of running, it's just not in me.
When I think of the VON smart exercise program - I get a thumbs up from my body, when I think of my rebounder - thumbs up, I remembered a DVD I have from a wrestler - Diamond Dallas Page's DDP Yoga (This Aint Your Mama's Yoga) - thumbs up, Kellogg's DVD Core Strength and Flexibility DVD (from AJ - years ago when Kellogg's was giving them away, before we even met) - thumbs up, and my Beginner's Yoga DVD - that get's an eh: a limpy thumb. Funny how DDP Yoga is oh yeah, and regular Yoga is limpy. I think because DDP has that core strength workout. I've had those DVD's for 3 years - saw it one night late, and said to AJ: I'm ordering that. Then promptly put it away. (Hopefully for this time!) Walking, gardening and light snow shoveling also get thumbs up. Heavy snow shoveling requires me calling Jason to come help me. So in the end I do have some very good exercise programs to come home to. There is also the gym if need be.
Leigh is now training for boxing. That sounds.... sorta sexy to me. I'd like to do that, but there are kettle bells to lift and my previous teared shoulders yell - H*ll no way!!!
I don't mind the sweating. The whole idea though, - which I already did know is - just do what works for you. Same as she's able to eat tomatoes and eggplants, I just burn for hours if I eat those. It's following your own path. Do what gets you to your own goals and dreams. Enjoy the journey of it, live all out. I think Leigh would agree with that.
I finished reading the past journey of Leigh - Poonapalooza and Punchapalooza - it is truly inspiring for me what is wrote. It really helped me to remind me that I will need to completely let go of sugar/wheat/grains. I needed to sit for weeks and hours and read her complete journey. Now I also follow her FaceBook page.
Ironically reading her story is similar to going to an AA or OA meeting and listening to someone share their life experience. I guess that's why I found her blog so enlightening, I can relate. She writes of understanding that she binge eats and learns her limits, of what motivated her and the whats of life.
I have moved on to other blogs, but they aren't as lasting as Poonapalooza or as ...delightful.... it's about the only word I can currently think of. They are helpful as I can see where they are coming off the rails in some ways (from my own understanding and limited knowledge - so much easier to see in others then in self!!!!) They write one day being excited of starting and that's it. Came across some that also mention Leigh but then... Just one day, or a few days and they are gone. A few are a little longer. At least I will have something to remind me of the journey if I run into challenges. Well, that and hopefully Dr Poon's Facebook group.
I don't think I will be able to do the exercises as Leigh does. It does cause me to WANT to as I read what she's doing, but I hear my body screaming no! Not in a way that says no exercise, but more in a way that says I can't do that much, too extreme for my body. I don't see me even wanting! to run long distance in the rain, snow, sleet, freezing cold or even on a nice day. Maybe a nice day little sprint would be fine - as in a few houses while walking. Did that before in my years of exercising for hours, and some backwards walking - but not hours of running, it's just not in me.
When I think of the VON smart exercise program - I get a thumbs up from my body, when I think of my rebounder - thumbs up, I remembered a DVD I have from a wrestler - Diamond Dallas Page's DDP Yoga (This Aint Your Mama's Yoga) - thumbs up, Kellogg's DVD Core Strength and Flexibility DVD (from AJ - years ago when Kellogg's was giving them away, before we even met) - thumbs up, and my Beginner's Yoga DVD - that get's an eh: a limpy thumb. Funny how DDP Yoga is oh yeah, and regular Yoga is limpy. I think because DDP has that core strength workout. I've had those DVD's for 3 years - saw it one night late, and said to AJ: I'm ordering that. Then promptly put it away. (Hopefully for this time!) Walking, gardening and light snow shoveling also get thumbs up. Heavy snow shoveling requires me calling Jason to come help me. So in the end I do have some very good exercise programs to come home to. There is also the gym if need be.
Leigh is now training for boxing. That sounds.... sorta sexy to me. I'd like to do that, but there are kettle bells to lift and my previous teared shoulders yell - H*ll no way!!!
I don't mind the sweating. The whole idea though, - which I already did know is - just do what works for you. Same as she's able to eat tomatoes and eggplants, I just burn for hours if I eat those. It's following your own path. Do what gets you to your own goals and dreams. Enjoy the journey of it, live all out. I think Leigh would agree with that.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Am I alive?
Uh. This is going to be short again today. Half way thru the night I got a blippen headache. (weather probably) Took Jax out for a pee at 5am, took an Advil and went back to bed. Don't take much more then an Advil because I react to meds often, and even an Advil will have me stoned some days, today is one of them. Had to miss art class today - didn't like that!
This is how my thinking is working today:
This is how my thinking is working today:
So I'm just going to either go back to bed or veg and watch mindless TV shows!
We have to go visit my mother tomorrow and bring our car in for the tire change, which will take most of the day - the drive down and up, the visit and the car. I think there will be no posting tomorrow. Not much is happening anyways, and I'm just going along with the boring daily chores etc needed to be done. Counting down the days.
Oh man is the hail coming down now!!!! Glad I'm not driving anywhere.
Til the weekend then.
Ta.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
tidy autumn
Not much to report today. Next few days look like it's going to be quiet. Went out to clean up and get ready for snow coming in tomorrow. Wrapped up the roses and trees by the road. Jason came by to help me put up the winter cover at the front door. I think this weekend I will close up the garbage area this year have an idea of how to do it. AJ thinks it will be ok. I really didn't want to lock both sides but I will need to do the one side.
I am getting a bit nervous about RH - 12 days to go. I am also getting very excited too. And going to Dr Poon is coming up next week. I know I am ready for this. I just have some nerves creeping out - more because I haven't gotten into doing it yet, and through the detox. Once I'm doing it I know it will be better.
Last meals are getting less and less - like I'm having enough of those foods.
Yeah, I know this was a very boring post. Really not much to say... Let's leave it at that! Night.
I am getting a bit nervous about RH - 12 days to go. I am also getting very excited too. And going to Dr Poon is coming up next week. I know I am ready for this. I just have some nerves creeping out - more because I haven't gotten into doing it yet, and through the detox. Once I'm doing it I know it will be better.
Last meals are getting less and less - like I'm having enough of those foods.
Yeah, I know this was a very boring post. Really not much to say... Let's leave it at that! Night.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
SUGAR, AH, SUGAR, SUGAR!!
I was going to title it some other word for sugar, but couldn't find one. Though I did find a lot of things that is called or use sugar! A LOT!!! I suggest you look up words for sugar and see what I found.
I like to watch Sugar movies. That Sugar Film, Sweet Suicide, Sugar Coated, Fed Up, The Secrets of Sugar, even W5 had a show on Sugar. There are more I'm sure. Just looking up for this blog I found a few I didn't watch, and those I have not listed. I find them all interesting and insightful. Each time we watch, at the end, I turn to AJ and say we aren't eating any sugar! Do you know how much sugar there is in things? All the names for sugar. (not the same list as the above words for sugar) It amazes me that so many foods need sugar in them - NOT. The companies put in the sugar - to get us to that sweet addiction. Which makes getting off the white crack train all that much harder. Yes, sugar is just like crack. Apparently heroin and food hit the same spot in the brain. (ok, I'm probably not exact on my drugs but I know it was some drug and food along that line).
I also heard on how when they study cancer, they use sugar to grow it. (I'm not saying those who eat sugar get cancer or vice versa! I'm no medical expert - or any type of medical person! I'm just blogging on what I've read/heard) I've also read that in the 1900's diabetic people were advised they were not to eat any form of sugar and very low carbs. Then the Sugar Association in the 1920's or 30's sponsored diabetic cookbooks and SUDDENLY there was sugar in the recipes. Big companies.... I'm just saying. Hopefully my little blog will not be attacked by them!
I looked up carbohydrate movies and really only found two: Carb-Loaded, and Low Carb Diet; Fact or Fiction. Not sure what the second one is about, if it is for or against it. I will need to watch them.
Either way, they are great to help me remember why I don't want to eat sugar and carbs, so I will watch them again and again. Good movies to curl up with AJ, Jax and... a glass of water! :)
I like to watch Sugar movies. That Sugar Film, Sweet Suicide, Sugar Coated, Fed Up, The Secrets of Sugar, even W5 had a show on Sugar. There are more I'm sure. Just looking up for this blog I found a few I didn't watch, and those I have not listed. I find them all interesting and insightful. Each time we watch, at the end, I turn to AJ and say we aren't eating any sugar! Do you know how much sugar there is in things? All the names for sugar. (not the same list as the above words for sugar) It amazes me that so many foods need sugar in them - NOT. The companies put in the sugar - to get us to that sweet addiction. Which makes getting off the white crack train all that much harder. Yes, sugar is just like crack. Apparently heroin and food hit the same spot in the brain. (ok, I'm probably not exact on my drugs but I know it was some drug and food along that line).
I also heard on how when they study cancer, they use sugar to grow it. (I'm not saying those who eat sugar get cancer or vice versa! I'm no medical expert - or any type of medical person! I'm just blogging on what I've read/heard) I've also read that in the 1900's diabetic people were advised they were not to eat any form of sugar and very low carbs. Then the Sugar Association in the 1920's or 30's sponsored diabetic cookbooks and SUDDENLY there was sugar in the recipes. Big companies.... I'm just saying. Hopefully my little blog will not be attacked by them!
I looked up carbohydrate movies and really only found two: Carb-Loaded, and Low Carb Diet; Fact or Fiction. Not sure what the second one is about, if it is for or against it. I will need to watch them.
Either way, they are great to help me remember why I don't want to eat sugar and carbs, so I will watch them again and again. Good movies to curl up with AJ, Jax and... a glass of water! :)
Monday, October 24, 2016
WAIT, WHAT? WHO?
AJ has been very supportive - he likes the last meals - ha ha ha. No, actually he really has been very supportive and listening to all my confusions, fears, hopes, optimistic beliefs, my rambling thoughts...
He's more then wonderful. It amazes me still that no one snatched him up before me. Not that there wasn't any women in his life. According to my now sis-in-law there were MANY! (right hubby? Bet you are reading this before posting) She told me he had a lot of girl friends. I think I stunned his family - of brothers and sister and partners - when at the age of 57 he announced he was getting married. For the first time. But then - I'm fabulously awesome.
Remember, I'm over 50 yrs now, so I can say that, and not worry what anyone else thinks. Besides hubby thinks I am too.
AJ had a major stroke when he was 42 yrs old. Undiagnosed high blood pressure. Was in a coma and came out with right sided weakness, balance issues, and eye problems. Luckily he kept his ability to speak, understand and hear. Walks with a walker now. Yes, I married him after his stroke. Amazing thing about AJ is, not a lot gets him down - ever. People like him, and he likes them. He's a big supporter of groups, and found a life after his stroke in volunteering. He was living on his own for years before we met, and dating.
I'm not surprised those women didn't see what I see in him - because I believe Spirit ment for us to be together. And if they saw what I see, they would have changed that plan. :o I have never had anyone in my life so supportive. When we got married and I got very ill, I offered to divorce him because I said - he didn't sign up for me being so ill. Talk about being ill! His response was, 'no way, we are in this together, and we will get you well'. He's never changed that statement. Even when I went into therapies that he never heard of. If they helped, then he was for it. (Along with diabetes and high blood pressure, I was diagnosed numerous autoimmune issues). Amazing right?
With my THIS IS THE ONE! diet plans, AJ went along with them. If they helped me, he was for it. Though to be fair, he would question me on them, and then let me run with them. Actually I probably should have just run! His issue isn't food, eating or weight - his journey is a stroke. With this round of 'this is the one', he is much more comfortable. Expressing how I'm not just jumping in and all over the place, or throwing out all sorts of food. Even though I have carefully looked at our foods, found someone who could use them, and left AJ keep what he wants for those 21 days. AJ can see that I have changed in my attitude towards food and as he's said - I have put my ducks in a row.
Just so he doesn't get a swelled head..... he has trouble admitting when I'm right. Drives him crazy when I say, maybe you should do ______, or it's better if it's ______. And then later he finds out, either by himself or from someone else.... that I was right in the first place. I laugh, he growls. I love him.
He's more then wonderful. It amazes me still that no one snatched him up before me. Not that there wasn't any women in his life. According to my now sis-in-law there were MANY! (right hubby? Bet you are reading this before posting) She told me he had a lot of girl friends. I think I stunned his family - of brothers and sister and partners - when at the age of 57 he announced he was getting married. For the first time. But then - I'm fabulously awesome.
Remember, I'm over 50 yrs now, so I can say that, and not worry what anyone else thinks. Besides hubby thinks I am too.
AJ had a major stroke when he was 42 yrs old. Undiagnosed high blood pressure. Was in a coma and came out with right sided weakness, balance issues, and eye problems. Luckily he kept his ability to speak, understand and hear. Walks with a walker now. Yes, I married him after his stroke. Amazing thing about AJ is, not a lot gets him down - ever. People like him, and he likes them. He's a big supporter of groups, and found a life after his stroke in volunteering. He was living on his own for years before we met, and dating.
I'm not surprised those women didn't see what I see in him - because I believe Spirit ment for us to be together. And if they saw what I see, they would have changed that plan. :o I have never had anyone in my life so supportive. When we got married and I got very ill, I offered to divorce him because I said - he didn't sign up for me being so ill. Talk about being ill! His response was, 'no way, we are in this together, and we will get you well'. He's never changed that statement. Even when I went into therapies that he never heard of. If they helped, then he was for it. (Along with diabetes and high blood pressure, I was diagnosed numerous autoimmune issues). Amazing right?
With my THIS IS THE ONE! diet plans, AJ went along with them. If they helped me, he was for it. Though to be fair, he would question me on them, and then let me run with them. Actually I probably should have just run! His issue isn't food, eating or weight - his journey is a stroke. With this round of 'this is the one', he is much more comfortable. Expressing how I'm not just jumping in and all over the place, or throwing out all sorts of food. Even though I have carefully looked at our foods, found someone who could use them, and left AJ keep what he wants for those 21 days. AJ can see that I have changed in my attitude towards food and as he's said - I have put my ducks in a row.
Just so he doesn't get a swelled head..... he has trouble admitting when I'm right. Drives him crazy when I say, maybe you should do ______, or it's better if it's ______. And then later he finds out, either by himself or from someone else.... that I was right in the first place. I laugh, he growls. I love him.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
The Last Supper...and breakfast and lunch...
It's not about The Last Supper. Though thinking of that. I wonder if the disciples knew they were having their last supper. I mean, I know they knew later they won't be physically eating like before with Jesus, but think what the last supper means. I thought on that.
Yes, there's that - this is the last time I will eat this/this way, but it also this is the last time I'm like this. I'm in change. That last meal is the changing. Not the change because that is a looking back thing. I remember years ago hearing that a major change in life is not when one decides to change - that's minor - it's them looking back and seeing that one is living that change. With all the fears, tantrums, insights, and joys.
I've been having my least supper... and breakfast and lunch and snacks. One big thing I like is dessert. EVERY meal needs dessert, even breakfast and snacks. Not. :) or is that :(
I'm happy about this. It's funny, we've (AJ and I) have been eating around. Things that I would like to have one last time. It's not that I will never be able to eat those foods - it's that I am CHOOSING at this moment in time, to accept that I am not going to eat those foods again. There's a difference in that. Also, it's not that I can't eat in those places either - Tim's, Wendy's, Mucho Burrito, etc - (not McDonalds - I actually don't care of McDs) they all have foods that I can eat: again it's my choice of what I will eat.
One item I love is smore's cookies from Goodness me. I've been eating a few of them. I was eating the 'unknown' last one, when I realized my head/mind was saying this is good and I am glad that it is the last one - my body does not need anymore of them. It was very quiet and peaceful. I enjoyed it, and knew that's it for them. Even now writing about it I wonder, and inside I hear 'no, there are no more, that was the last one, and no more are required'. Most importantly about that is I need to honour it and move on. I could fantasize about it to the point where I would eat another, but that would be deceitful and dishonest to myself. No one would care if I ate one, but I would, my body would, my spirit would.
So, I continue peacefully going on to the last meals. They are becoming less and less a requirement or a desire. I look more towards low carb/salt/fat foods. More veggies and meats. Amen.
Yes, there's that - this is the last time I will eat this/this way, but it also this is the last time I'm like this. I'm in change. That last meal is the changing. Not the change because that is a looking back thing. I remember years ago hearing that a major change in life is not when one decides to change - that's minor - it's them looking back and seeing that one is living that change. With all the fears, tantrums, insights, and joys.
I've been having my least supper... and breakfast and lunch and snacks. One big thing I like is dessert. EVERY meal needs dessert, even breakfast and snacks. Not. :) or is that :(
I'm happy about this. It's funny, we've (AJ and I) have been eating around. Things that I would like to have one last time. It's not that I will never be able to eat those foods - it's that I am CHOOSING at this moment in time, to accept that I am not going to eat those foods again. There's a difference in that. Also, it's not that I can't eat in those places either - Tim's, Wendy's, Mucho Burrito, etc - (not McDonalds - I actually don't care of McDs) they all have foods that I can eat: again it's my choice of what I will eat.
One item I love is smore's cookies from Goodness me. I've been eating a few of them. I was eating the 'unknown' last one, when I realized my head/mind was saying this is good and I am glad that it is the last one - my body does not need anymore of them. It was very quiet and peaceful. I enjoyed it, and knew that's it for them. Even now writing about it I wonder, and inside I hear 'no, there are no more, that was the last one, and no more are required'. Most importantly about that is I need to honour it and move on. I could fantasize about it to the point where I would eat another, but that would be deceitful and dishonest to myself. No one would care if I ate one, but I would, my body would, my spirit would.
So, I continue peacefully going on to the last meals. They are becoming less and less a requirement or a desire. I look more towards low carb/salt/fat foods. More veggies and meats. Amen.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
IT'S JAMMIE DAY!
Today is Saturday - and that means - IT'S JAMMIE DAY. I love jammie day. First, I'm in my jammies all day. Second, so is AJ - though that took a few years to get him to that point. He was strictly a get up and get dressed guy.... until I came around. Third, it involves laying around and reading the paper. Most jammie days are Saturdays where we don't have anything planned but being 'lazy'.
Best is when jammie days are in the fall, winter, or early spring. That way I can take JJ for a walk in my jammies. (Me wearing them, not him). Before anyone wonders, I'm not the only person in the Cove here that walks their dog in their pjs. (again, them wearing them not the dogs). It's a laid back community, and most people are over that 50 yr age mark - so they don't worry about those things anymore either.
Now, I'm not talking baby-doll, sheer, negligee, shirt top styles. It's pant sets with things like stars and moons, or cats or clouds - after all I'm still a bit girlie.
Funny thing is (and amuses AJ) is that I'm one who likes to get home after a long - or short - day and get into my pjs. I guess it's just a signal for me to relax.
We get a local paper on Thursdays and another on Fridays. Though there's no guarantee that's when we get them - or even will get them. They are always looking for couriers to deliver. Some days they will end up on the step on Saturday or Friday. I like it best when they get here for Saturday morning. As in any day/time Thursday and Friday. Our Toronto Star carrier is wonderful! Kudos to him. We only get the Saturday Toronto Star as we just don't read papers during the week. And both of us like to read the paper with our tea (or dare I say hot chocolate - more on HC in another blog. So I collect them, divide the sections and read. Though before I can lounge down - is that a good statement? I don't sit, and I don't lay.... Recline! That's the word. First I must announce PRINCESS, IT'S JAMMIE DAY. Moonbeam doesn't care. And JJ jumps for joy because he gets a Jammie Day chew bone. Everyone/pet gets into their spot and we enjoy.
Considering that this week has been physically exhausting for me, I'm so glad we have no plans this weekend! Today I did get the stakes into the ground - wanted to do that before the ground freezes. The bridge of my nose hurts because of it - the hammer slipped, flew up, and hit my on my nose. OUCH! I wonder if it will bruise. It's sore. I'm so happy to just hide in my pjs today. They say today will have high winds. Hope we will have power! (need to make that LAST hot chocolate)
Best is when jammie days are in the fall, winter, or early spring. That way I can take JJ for a walk in my jammies. (Me wearing them, not him). Before anyone wonders, I'm not the only person in the Cove here that walks their dog in their pjs. (again, them wearing them not the dogs). It's a laid back community, and most people are over that 50 yr age mark - so they don't worry about those things anymore either.
Now, I'm not talking baby-doll, sheer, negligee, shirt top styles. It's pant sets with things like stars and moons, or cats or clouds - after all I'm still a bit girlie.
Funny thing is (and amuses AJ) is that I'm one who likes to get home after a long - or short - day and get into my pjs. I guess it's just a signal for me to relax.
We get a local paper on Thursdays and another on Fridays. Though there's no guarantee that's when we get them - or even will get them. They are always looking for couriers to deliver. Some days they will end up on the step on Saturday or Friday. I like it best when they get here for Saturday morning. As in any day/time Thursday and Friday. Our Toronto Star carrier is wonderful! Kudos to him. We only get the Saturday Toronto Star as we just don't read papers during the week. And both of us like to read the paper with our tea (or dare I say hot chocolate - more on HC in another blog. So I collect them, divide the sections and read. Though before I can lounge down - is that a good statement? I don't sit, and I don't lay.... Recline! That's the word. First I must announce PRINCESS, IT'S JAMMIE DAY. Moonbeam doesn't care. And JJ jumps for joy because he gets a Jammie Day chew bone. Everyone/pet gets into their spot and we enjoy.
Considering that this week has been physically exhausting for me, I'm so glad we have no plans this weekend! Today I did get the stakes into the ground - wanted to do that before the ground freezes. The bridge of my nose hurts because of it - the hammer slipped, flew up, and hit my on my nose. OUCH! I wonder if it will bruise. It's sore. I'm so happy to just hide in my pjs today. They say today will have high winds. Hope we will have power! (need to make that LAST hot chocolate)
Friday, October 21, 2016
One day
Woke this morning feeling better, so I went to Art class. Glad I did, it's enjoyable for me and calming. I don't talk much with the women, but I know I'm included. For someone who tends to be a loner it's nice that they take me the way I am. I look forward to seeing them and listening to the stories.
It's been drizzling all day. This morning I got Jax out between drizzles, but this afternoon, after dropping AJ off for his meeting, we ended up in the rain. Hopefully this evenings walk will be drier.
I've been packing. Talia says I need shoes for the shower and ''it's gross''. Found one pair, at Walmart for $3.00! Dollar store was out of them. They're salmon pink, but eh....
I just realized - they are SALMON pink and they are for the shower.....I hope they don't swim away on me! Ok, that was a bad pun, I agree.
On to dinner;
Decided to roast some butternut squash and asparagus. (hint: remember to put the kitchen fan on so the smoke detector doesn't go off) Will have that with some left over lentils and bison burger.
Really not much happening today. Just zoned peacefully. Hope your day is peaceful.
It's been drizzling all day. This morning I got Jax out between drizzles, but this afternoon, after dropping AJ off for his meeting, we ended up in the rain. Hopefully this evenings walk will be drier.
I've been packing. Talia says I need shoes for the shower and ''it's gross''. Found one pair, at Walmart for $3.00! Dollar store was out of them. They're salmon pink, but eh....
I just realized - they are SALMON pink and they are for the shower.....I hope they don't swim away on me! Ok, that was a bad pun, I agree.
On to dinner;
Decided to roast some butternut squash and asparagus. (hint: remember to put the kitchen fan on so the smoke detector doesn't go off) Will have that with some left over lentils and bison burger.
Really not much happening today. Just zoned peacefully. Hope your day is peaceful.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Weakly
Last couple of days have been queasy for me. Not sure why. Woke feeling dizzy. I can't see that I have been pushing myself very hard in any areas. I'm just so very wiped and tired. Have been having naps - like in the morning and afternoon.
This morning walking Jax I thought of calling AJ to come get me. But that wouldn't have worked because A) I didn't have my phone with me, and B) AJ can't drive. (Due to his stroke, his eyes 'see' funny so driving was one of the harder things he had to give up years ago) I did get myself and Jax back home - and took a nap.
Tomorrow is Art class for me. I look forward to it. Unless I'm very queasy and wiped. It's taken me 8 years to learn - and AJ repeatedly being firm with me about it - I need to listen to my body, and to relax/heal when needed. I can only push myself so much. My RA has been acting up with the rain and sun changing weather. My RA doctor wants me to go back onto my meds - I don't want to. They tire out my liver - and make me even more tired. I am so looking forward to getting detoxed!!!
There's 19 days left and I'm already wanting to start now. I've been having thoughts of phoning Dr Poon and asking for a sooner appointment. Though I don't know where to put the day in - I'm pretty booked. I have been starting to eat more and more low carb. Not that I think that's behind my tiredness.
See, I'm not the only one tired.......
This morning walking Jax I thought of calling AJ to come get me. But that wouldn't have worked because A) I didn't have my phone with me, and B) AJ can't drive. (Due to his stroke, his eyes 'see' funny so driving was one of the harder things he had to give up years ago) I did get myself and Jax back home - and took a nap.
Tomorrow is Art class for me. I look forward to it. Unless I'm very queasy and wiped. It's taken me 8 years to learn - and AJ repeatedly being firm with me about it - I need to listen to my body, and to relax/heal when needed. I can only push myself so much. My RA has been acting up with the rain and sun changing weather. My RA doctor wants me to go back onto my meds - I don't want to. They tire out my liver - and make me even more tired. I am so looking forward to getting detoxed!!!
There's 19 days left and I'm already wanting to start now. I've been having thoughts of phoning Dr Poon and asking for a sooner appointment. Though I don't know where to put the day in - I'm pretty booked. I have been starting to eat more and more low carb. Not that I think that's behind my tiredness.
See, I'm not the only one tired.......
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Secrets
Booked to see Dr Poon. Worked for November 1 at 1055am. Excellent! That's not a secret.........
I was driving and listing to the radio, they were playing Alessia Cara's "Scars To Your Beautiful". It touches me deeply. I get drawn into the words, especially as she sings of cutting, wanting to be beautiful, being unnoticed, starving to be acceptable being blind to her light, etc. Understand I have NEVER cut myself, but..... as a teen I would line my legs with spoons. Just like knowing I can't drink without experience, I knew I wasn't to cut myself - that would show marks that I would have needed to explain, and that I wouldn't be able to explain to my parents. It would have caused me more stress and pain that I was living in.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have very many years of healing, and don't have any desire or thoughts of cutting etc anymore. Those days are long, long gone. It's interesting though how easy it is to be drawn into an emotion. My heart and empathy goes to those women - young or older - who still live in that shadow of life believing in others instead of themselves, unable to see their own light and beauty.
I recognize in myself how easy it is to be pulled into that negative darkness. That's where a secret lay. I need to remember not that past, but the present and future. Of being in the light, aligned with Divine Spirit. Focusing on the positive and the good that is within me. Many might not see me in light, but I know I am - it's not the other's or their beliefs - it's mine that matters most to me. With that, it includes my looks and feelings of my body and weight.
Past eating doesn't mean present eating reasons. Honestly, my eating craving of now are more of desire for the food, and the body trigger craving, then because of what was eating me like in the past. It's been like that for years. After I got very, very ill during the time of my getting married, I went back to eating because it was easier for me then to - control is not the right word, but the only one I can think of at the moment - control my foods. I felt so ill and in pain physically, I just didn't want to focus on the foods - I wanted to just eat and not think of it. It's taken me almost 8 years to get to this point where I know I need to do this again, for the last time, and accept that certain foods are just not for
me.
So, even though I like Scars To Your Beautiful, I run and look towards the Divine Light - it's a better place to live. May you live in your light too.
I was driving and listing to the radio, they were playing Alessia Cara's "Scars To Your Beautiful". It touches me deeply. I get drawn into the words, especially as she sings of cutting, wanting to be beautiful, being unnoticed, starving to be acceptable being blind to her light, etc. Understand I have NEVER cut myself, but..... as a teen I would line my legs with spoons. Just like knowing I can't drink without experience, I knew I wasn't to cut myself - that would show marks that I would have needed to explain, and that I wouldn't be able to explain to my parents. It would have caused me more stress and pain that I was living in.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have very many years of healing, and don't have any desire or thoughts of cutting etc anymore. Those days are long, long gone. It's interesting though how easy it is to be drawn into an emotion. My heart and empathy goes to those women - young or older - who still live in that shadow of life believing in others instead of themselves, unable to see their own light and beauty.
I recognize in myself how easy it is to be pulled into that negative darkness. That's where a secret lay. I need to remember not that past, but the present and future. Of being in the light, aligned with Divine Spirit. Focusing on the positive and the good that is within me. Many might not see me in light, but I know I am - it's not the other's or their beliefs - it's mine that matters most to me. With that, it includes my looks and feelings of my body and weight.
Past eating doesn't mean present eating reasons. Honestly, my eating craving of now are more of desire for the food, and the body trigger craving, then because of what was eating me like in the past. It's been like that for years. After I got very, very ill during the time of my getting married, I went back to eating because it was easier for me then to - control is not the right word, but the only one I can think of at the moment - control my foods. I felt so ill and in pain physically, I just didn't want to focus on the foods - I wanted to just eat and not think of it. It's taken me almost 8 years to get to this point where I know I need to do this again, for the last time, and accept that certain foods are just not for
me.
So, even though I like Scars To Your Beautiful, I run and look towards the Divine Light - it's a better place to live. May you live in your light too.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
By the Numbers
I'm excited. I'm one step closer to Dr Poon. Today I went to my family doctor, who was open and willing to send me to Dr Poon. He knows I'm going to RH, and I explained that I was concerned about what would happen when I come back into the 'real world'.
He said he'd send a fax to Dr Poon's office in Thornhill today (or tomorrow I'm guessing.)
I spoke with Dr Poon's office, they hadn't gotten the fax yet, I needed to ask them one question my family doctor wanted to confirm about billing. Everything is good via doctors and OHIP etc. She explained that I should hear from them by Wednesday (tonight is Monday Oct 17). Then I will be able to get in very soon.
As today is a 'zen-ish' day - I'm as far away as long as I will be at RH. In other words, it's 21 days until I go, and I will be at RH for 21 days. It's getting closer!!!! :)
I figured I would plan to see Dr Poon on Tuesday November 1. That way I can explain about going to RH and their plan, get the info I need from Dr Poon so that when I am back I am already on his plan. Those 20 ounces are concerning me, and I'm not gonna lie - I don't see me lasting on eating 20 ounces of veg at lunch and another 20 ounces at dinner.... and 16 ounces of veg at breakfast if I'm not eating fruit. But I do see me going along with Dr Poon's plan! yeah.
Oh, numbers. I was weighed at my family doctors - 241.4. Until I get to Dr Poon, that will be my starting weight as I do not weigh myself at home. I'd go crazy, stressing myself if I weighed at home. I'd do it daily, and then in the morning and night and then almost every hour because of all the fluctuating weights during the day.... or week etc. I'm trusting my body to do what it needs, I will be able to tell with how my pants feel. If they are falling down when I put them on....well then... I've probably lost weight! Dr Poon can then confirm.
My clothes are size 2 or 3X tops, XXL stretch pants, or around 18-20. Because of my surgery to remove skin and fat, my hips are about an inch smaller then my waist (makes getting pants a pain in the ...hips) I'm 54, 50, 49.
My goal is around 165 lbs, in a size 10 or 12, with Medium tops etc. I don't want to say what my measurements would be because I do want to let my body figure that out. Now, the 165 / size 10-12 might be off too, but I'm flexible - I'd like to aim for those numbers though. That's 76.4 pounds. Argh, I'm one of those that like roundy numbers. 76.4 gets me to 165, but 80 pound weight loss rounds better! So 160-165 works. ha ha. Yes, I know I could do the 75 pd weight loss too. We will see where my body will be the happiest.
He said he'd send a fax to Dr Poon's office in Thornhill today (or tomorrow I'm guessing.)
I spoke with Dr Poon's office, they hadn't gotten the fax yet, I needed to ask them one question my family doctor wanted to confirm about billing. Everything is good via doctors and OHIP etc. She explained that I should hear from them by Wednesday (tonight is Monday Oct 17). Then I will be able to get in very soon.
As today is a 'zen-ish' day - I'm as far away as long as I will be at RH. In other words, it's 21 days until I go, and I will be at RH for 21 days. It's getting closer!!!! :)
I figured I would plan to see Dr Poon on Tuesday November 1. That way I can explain about going to RH and their plan, get the info I need from Dr Poon so that when I am back I am already on his plan. Those 20 ounces are concerning me, and I'm not gonna lie - I don't see me lasting on eating 20 ounces of veg at lunch and another 20 ounces at dinner.... and 16 ounces of veg at breakfast if I'm not eating fruit. But I do see me going along with Dr Poon's plan! yeah.
Oh, numbers. I was weighed at my family doctors - 241.4. Until I get to Dr Poon, that will be my starting weight as I do not weigh myself at home. I'd go crazy, stressing myself if I weighed at home. I'd do it daily, and then in the morning and night and then almost every hour because of all the fluctuating weights during the day.... or week etc. I'm trusting my body to do what it needs, I will be able to tell with how my pants feel. If they are falling down when I put them on....well then... I've probably lost weight! Dr Poon can then confirm.
My clothes are size 2 or 3X tops, XXL stretch pants, or around 18-20. Because of my surgery to remove skin and fat, my hips are about an inch smaller then my waist (makes getting pants a pain in the ...hips) I'm 54, 50, 49.
My goal is around 165 lbs, in a size 10 or 12, with Medium tops etc. I don't want to say what my measurements would be because I do want to let my body figure that out. Now, the 165 / size 10-12 might be off too, but I'm flexible - I'd like to aim for those numbers though. That's 76.4 pounds. Argh, I'm one of those that like roundy numbers. 76.4 gets me to 165, but 80 pound weight loss rounds better! So 160-165 works. ha ha. Yes, I know I could do the 75 pd weight loss too. We will see where my body will be the happiest.
Monday, October 17, 2016
20 OUNCES
To get more insight, I have been looking for blogs on Dr Poon and reading them. The one that really continues to inspired me, though it's no longer active as she's moved on is Poonapalooza - she went on to Punchapalooza. I'm so happy for her. I look forward to getting to the point where I'm reading her new blog.
And then there are some that I just want to reach out and hug because of the struggle they experience with Dr Poon / low carb and weight loss / eating. Those blogs suddenly end after blogs of trying to get back on track. I totally understand their blogs, as I see them in my past attempts of years ago. I am so thankful that I will be at RH to do the detox. I pray those bloggers have found their way after stopping their blogs.
One that I read today posted a lot of blogs was doing great for months and then stalled. Stalling is part of weight loss sometimes. Please understand what I write next is my thoughts - I could totally be wrong for her.... As I read, I saw that she was trying more and more to get back on track by cutting her food. Reading about fog brain and cravings and reading what she ate, broke my heart. She was barely eating.
Biggest thing I have learnt over the years is that you must eat well to lose weight. Sometimes the more you eat the better the weight loss. Now, I know that doesn't mean eat a bag of chips and then a pizza. But eat proper and a variety. Poonapalooza delights me as she wrote about meals, about needing to eat, and of changing up what is being eaten. The less food the more one's body goes into starvation mode and holds onto everything it can. Then quitting, trying something else, realizing as the weight came back on, going back to Dr Poon - but by themselves not the office, lacking that support and accountability. That's what it is with me wanting Dr Poon - I KNOW I need that accountability after RH.
So what's with that header '20 Ounces'? I know from my friend Talia that RH plan has 20 ounces of vegetables at lunch, and 20 ounces of vegetables at dinner (along with protein and fat in a defined amount). At breakfast there's 16 ounces of veg or 8 ounces of fruit. Of those 20 ounces, at least 4 ounces needs to be raw. This is where RH plan and Poon differ. My understanding at the moment is that Poon doesn't have a set 3 meals, 20 ounces. His is more protein and veggies until you are full, when you need to eat. When Talia called me on the weekend, one of the first things she mentioned was - it's a lot of food. That coming from someone who eats their veggies. I am concerned on the amount. I just don't eat that much at a given meal. Even if the meal is protein and veg. I will probably be glad once I'm home and I can ease up on the amounts. I will post my meals when I come back once in a while to let anyone interested or reading this know.
Another thing, they say the Spirit (or Soul) weighs 21 ounces. :)
And then there are some that I just want to reach out and hug because of the struggle they experience with Dr Poon / low carb and weight loss / eating. Those blogs suddenly end after blogs of trying to get back on track. I totally understand their blogs, as I see them in my past attempts of years ago. I am so thankful that I will be at RH to do the detox. I pray those bloggers have found their way after stopping their blogs.
One that I read today posted a lot of blogs was doing great for months and then stalled. Stalling is part of weight loss sometimes. Please understand what I write next is my thoughts - I could totally be wrong for her.... As I read, I saw that she was trying more and more to get back on track by cutting her food. Reading about fog brain and cravings and reading what she ate, broke my heart. She was barely eating.
Biggest thing I have learnt over the years is that you must eat well to lose weight. Sometimes the more you eat the better the weight loss. Now, I know that doesn't mean eat a bag of chips and then a pizza. But eat proper and a variety. Poonapalooza delights me as she wrote about meals, about needing to eat, and of changing up what is being eaten. The less food the more one's body goes into starvation mode and holds onto everything it can. Then quitting, trying something else, realizing as the weight came back on, going back to Dr Poon - but by themselves not the office, lacking that support and accountability. That's what it is with me wanting Dr Poon - I KNOW I need that accountability after RH.
So what's with that header '20 Ounces'? I know from my friend Talia that RH plan has 20 ounces of vegetables at lunch, and 20 ounces of vegetables at dinner (along with protein and fat in a defined amount). At breakfast there's 16 ounces of veg or 8 ounces of fruit. Of those 20 ounces, at least 4 ounces needs to be raw. This is where RH plan and Poon differ. My understanding at the moment is that Poon doesn't have a set 3 meals, 20 ounces. His is more protein and veggies until you are full, when you need to eat. When Talia called me on the weekend, one of the first things she mentioned was - it's a lot of food. That coming from someone who eats their veggies. I am concerned on the amount. I just don't eat that much at a given meal. Even if the meal is protein and veg. I will probably be glad once I'm home and I can ease up on the amounts. I will post my meals when I come back once in a while to let anyone interested or reading this know.
Another thing, they say the Spirit (or Soul) weighs 21 ounces. :)
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Toss and Repeat
I tossed for a while last night. I have trouble sleeping on a good night with my health issues ,(mostly the Rheumatoid Arthritis). I can lay there and just feel pain in my joints. If I eat night shade foods (Tomatoes, Potatoes, Eggplant, Peppers)... especially the tomatoes, I'm on fire - not in a good way.
Last night was because of sugar I think. I thought I had eaten the orange early enough but I didn't. They (the internet/health world) say that sugar and fruit - high in sugar - will keep you awake at night/wake you at night. I know if I eat good dark chocolate before bed keeps me up, but junk milk chocolate isn't a problem at keeping me awake. (Problem on other issues, but not keeping me awake).
Each time I started to relax to fall asleep, I would jerk. Eventually I got up and took an Advil, and then later a magnesium pill. Magnesium helps me sleep. It was a gamble with the Advil as the next day sometimes I'm totally in a fog, today was a lucky day - I'm good.
Repetitive eating. I read the Toronto Star (Saturday edition) and there was an article on people that basically eat the same foods day in and day out. I remember years ago when I was losing weight, that's what I did too. Morning of 3 rye crackers with almond butter and jam, mid morning snack of an apple, lunch a package of tuna and crackers and a dinner of lettuce, grilled chicken breast, ceasar dressing (bit), baked apple with a bit of whip cream. 6 days a week, on Saturday's only the breakfast changed - some eggs or 1 pancake. Did it for months.
I get the part where food just becomes fuel for the body. I was too busy then to think about eating. Even though I was thinking of not eating at times. I thought on all the other things I was doing then. I suspect like Leigh (of Poon /Punchaplooza) that exercise will start to take up time and I will once again desire it. Already I am involved with VON Smart Exercise program for seniors. Ironically I am doing it as an assisting teacher. I still laugh when I think of it - as a child I avoided ANY type of exercise, and tried to get out of exercise class in school. AJ qualifies for the senior part, and since I had to drive him there, I said I might as well teach it. Went thru the training and now assist with another person. I do enjoy it - more so after I'm finished. Usually I'm lazy at having to go. I also walk Jax daily. That's about the extent of my current exercise program.
I have been looking into our community programs. There is a Belly Buster (Core training), Yoga, Total Body Workout, Body Sculpting, Boot Camp and Butts and Abs courses. Not that I'm going to take them all at once. Optimistically with some weight loss I will be more excited about exercising and look for ways to include it daily.
On a PS note: Talia called me yesterday morning! I was surprised as she's at RH now. It's her first week. There will be a week where she is home and I haven't left yet so we will have more time to talk. She only had 5 minutes to talk. Just gave me some info - she is finding all the food hard to eat, as it's a lot. (She has been on a plan of eating for years that include 2 cups of veg at lunch and dinner, so it's surprising this plan is hard for her.) She's very glad to be there. I so look forward to going!!!
Last night was because of sugar I think. I thought I had eaten the orange early enough but I didn't. They (the internet/health world) say that sugar and fruit - high in sugar - will keep you awake at night/wake you at night. I know if I eat good dark chocolate before bed keeps me up, but junk milk chocolate isn't a problem at keeping me awake. (Problem on other issues, but not keeping me awake).
Each time I started to relax to fall asleep, I would jerk. Eventually I got up and took an Advil, and then later a magnesium pill. Magnesium helps me sleep. It was a gamble with the Advil as the next day sometimes I'm totally in a fog, today was a lucky day - I'm good.
Repetitive eating. I read the Toronto Star (Saturday edition) and there was an article on people that basically eat the same foods day in and day out. I remember years ago when I was losing weight, that's what I did too. Morning of 3 rye crackers with almond butter and jam, mid morning snack of an apple, lunch a package of tuna and crackers and a dinner of lettuce, grilled chicken breast, ceasar dressing (bit), baked apple with a bit of whip cream. 6 days a week, on Saturday's only the breakfast changed - some eggs or 1 pancake. Did it for months.
I get the part where food just becomes fuel for the body. I was too busy then to think about eating. Even though I was thinking of not eating at times. I thought on all the other things I was doing then. I suspect like Leigh (of Poon /Punchaplooza) that exercise will start to take up time and I will once again desire it. Already I am involved with VON Smart Exercise program for seniors. Ironically I am doing it as an assisting teacher. I still laugh when I think of it - as a child I avoided ANY type of exercise, and tried to get out of exercise class in school. AJ qualifies for the senior part, and since I had to drive him there, I said I might as well teach it. Went thru the training and now assist with another person. I do enjoy it - more so after I'm finished. Usually I'm lazy at having to go. I also walk Jax daily. That's about the extent of my current exercise program.
I have been looking into our community programs. There is a Belly Buster (Core training), Yoga, Total Body Workout, Body Sculpting, Boot Camp and Butts and Abs courses. Not that I'm going to take them all at once. Optimistically with some weight loss I will be more excited about exercising and look for ways to include it daily.
On a PS note: Talia called me yesterday morning! I was surprised as she's at RH now. It's her first week. There will be a week where she is home and I haven't left yet so we will have more time to talk. She only had 5 minutes to talk. Just gave me some info - she is finding all the food hard to eat, as it's a lot. (She has been on a plan of eating for years that include 2 cups of veg at lunch and dinner, so it's surprising this plan is hard for her.) She's very glad to be there. I so look forward to going!!!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Beyond Reason
After yesterday's post, I needed to take a walk. I took Jax for a long walk even though it was cool and windy. I couldn't stop thinking and wondering what went wrong the last time - other then the obvious things.
Nov 11/16 will be 12 years since I had my last drink of alcohol. When I went to AA I agreed to no drinking. More because at the time I couldn't get numb enough from food to stop the pain inside and had started putting wine in the fridge so I could have a drink with dinner. I never did because of that friend coming over - she asked about 3 weeks after I had put the bottles in the fridge. Spirit was watching over me. The ironic thing is - I never cared for that whoozy feeling I got when I drank alcohol - especially my favorite, Vodka. Between the vodka and the wine in the fridge plan, it was easy for me to 'have a desire to stop drinking', and follow my friend into AA.
So why I have I not drank in 12 years? Because. Because somewhere deep inside me I KNOW. I know without experience that there is a very strong possibility that might not be able to stop drinking alcohol. Even with all those maybes and might nots in that statement, I just can't chance it. It's not an AA brainwashing either for me. There is something that is just so clear, that warning bells ring, on how dangerous it would be for me to drink. Remember watching a scary show, and saying to the (usually) woman - don't go in there!!! She does and it doesn't end well for her. Well, I'm not going in there, (I pray).
That being said doesn't mean I wouldn't like to have a drink at times. Or that I haven't longed for that whoozy, forget life's pain feeling. Sometimes AJ will ask what flavor of herbal tea I would like, and my response is ''the one with vodka in it''. He always says no. :( He's never known me to drink, or known what I'm like - I'm just friendly and laugh more on alcohol. Nothing serious, right? But it's the why that scares me. Why I would drink - to numb the world away. It was so easy the first time 12 years ago to decide to stop drinking.... I sense it was / is my one and only chance in this life to say no.
With OA I choose to give up chocolate. Easy peesy. (Right, ha) It was the one food I loved to eat, I could never get enough of. Besides there were so many other foods I could replace it with. (my ego was already telling me that as the words of 'I give up chocolate' was coming out of my mouth.) I did it for about 2-3 months, went back to eating chocolates, and then I basically did it, I didn't eat a chocolate for 6 years. Oh, I knew why I shouldn't eat certain foods, and that it would be better to stay away from them. But I was losing weight for the whole world to see, so I didn't need to refrain from any other trigger foods. I would say it's not about the food. I STILL believe it's not about the food. I am coming to understand it has nothing to do with the food. It's a physical reaction - it doesn't matter if the food is healthy - it's what it does inside my body. Does it want me to have more? Does it want me to have something else? Is it too much and is it causing cravings?
I've made chocolates over the last few years that are very clean and healthy - basically 4 ingredients, and I have one - nothing happens. But if I have a piece of store bought chocolate......I can't stop until I've eaten the whole bar, even if it's a store bought dark healthy chocolate bar. There's something in it compared to my homemade one. So, it's not about the food per se. It's not necessarily one food. It could be an amount, or a combination of foods together that get me eating. I use to be a mega binge eater before OA, but not now. Now I can graze little amounts - that signals to me I'm looking for something / avoiding something etc.
Ahhh but the weight. Yes. That's where yesterday's reading bothered me. Mentally I might be able to control some of the obsession, but physically my body can not handle certain foods anymore. Because of that reason - I need to be serious, knowing I can never eat those foods again. I want to add 'like I am now' to the end of that sentence, which changes the whole sentence into I might be able to eat them again one day. Seriously???????? WHERE is that inner part that knows a drink will be detrimental, but a store bought chocolate or cookie etc is not ok?
It's a fine line between reasons. What's healthy and acceptable, and what's healthy and not acceptable. I still really haven't found the deeper why I'm doing this. I know I'm ready. I know I want to do this. I know it's for me. I know it's for my health. Maybe that's enough of a reason. Just doesn't feel like enough of one. Then again - maybe Spirit wants me to do this and when I get there.... I will know/see a deeper reason!
Friday, October 14, 2016
The Double Whammy
Now before you think I am going to be preaching OA for the rest of my blogs - well.... yes and no. It's a part of my life, and a part of recovering from my eating, hence weight loss that I need to remember. There is so much in it that I understand and relate and know has some answers for me. Step 1 is really important. It states everything I can write on, what others who are successful have blogged (without knowing they are posting Step 1,- those I have read) So, from time to time there MAY be a post on AA/OA in my blog. Today happens to be one of them.
I posted that I found an OA Big Book Study previously. I have started reading it. Chapter one highlights:
From pg 3 - The Twelve Provocations. I like them all especially #1 - I am a RECOVERED compulsive eater, not a recovering one. I identify with that because I don't believe in continuously re-enforcing being in that state of always trying to stop eating. Somewhere along the list - or steps in this case - one hopefully comes out of it and lives.
2 steps to step 1. Allergy of the Body which is the craving, and Mental obsession which is unable to stop thinking of the food/craving.
Page 4 - thus we can't stop once we start (the allergy that creates cravings), and we can't stop from starting again (the obsession that sends us back).
Page 6 - Diets ''give back'' binge foods in moderation after the weight is lost. Many people can eat those binge foods in moderation. But we can't - we get the phenomenon of craving.
Page 7 - Allergy doesn't mean a cough or a runny nose or a rash; it means simply an abnormal physical reaction to a physical substance. The allergy of the body we get when we overeat is the 'phenomenon of craving'.
We have to stop our craving, and the only way to stop the craving is to stop eating foods that cause our craving. (We also have to stop the eating behaviors that cause our cravings)
Clearly any food that I couldn't stop eating when I started was a food that caused cravings. I had to eliminate those.
Page 9 - (writer's statement, not mine) The lesson I take from this experience is that it's important always to be honest and vigilant, and not to relax in the program. It's easy to relax; we lose a lot of weight and feel better, and then we reach a plateau. It's important to be honest to see if that plateau is a reasonable plateau!
Page 10 - when it comes to honesty, though, I think what's important is rigorous honesty. Some people jump very quickly to certain kinds of plans of eating because it seems to fit them, or because the plans are urged on them by other people in the program for whom the plans work, or maybe - just maybe! - because the plans allow them to hold onto certain foods which are really binge foods for them.
Page 11 - Well, one thing that's obvious is that virtually every diet and every book on losing weight, and many, many doctors and dietitians and nutritionist whom we consult, all seem to say that once we have lost our weight we can go back to eating ALL the food we used to eat, but this time in moderation! It's just a matter of will power, or maybe they phrase it as won't power. They can't imagine why we would eat in large quantities again.
Page 12 - The Big Book doesn't use the word 'emotional' to describe our problem. It uses the word 'mental'. That's because our reasons for returning to the food are often just insane, and sometimes don't depend on how we're feeling at all.
Page 13 - THE DOUBLE WHAMMY: The first part of our addiction is that we are powerless over food - we get uncontrollable physical cravings when we eat certain foods or indulge in certain eating behaviors. This is the allergy of the body.
The second part is that we can't manage our lives in relation to our powerlessness over food - we get mental obsessions that send us back to those foods and those eating behaviors that we know will cause us the uncontrollable cravings. This is the obsession of the mind.
We have what Dr. Silkworth called the 'DOUBLE WHAMMY'. We can't stop once we've started; and we can't stop from starting again. We're doomed.
That is Step One - the realization that we are doomed. And we're not doomed because of our allergy of the body, but because of our mental obsession. And we begin to realize that the only solution that will ever work with us is something that gets rid of our mental obsession. And we know we can't do it by ourselves, because we can't stop the thinking that keeps sending us back.
End of statements out of the study.
There is a solution to all this - so it's not all bad or hopeless. I'm just sayin.
Brings to mind too, the reason why I've been working at putting support into place for me when I return home. I need to get out, find those who understand, and go from there.
Most of what I will probably write on is step one, only because I need to remember why I can't have that cookie or why my body is reacting to a food. I don't want to do this weight loss AGAIN only to re-gain the weight. I NEED to understand, accept, learn, come to enjoy - all those words along that line - that this is a way of life for me. Just because Phase 3 of Dr Poon's allows a food doesn't mean it's a food that I can allow. Not to be afraid of those foods, just to make that choice that they trigger me (physically and mentally), and lead me down a path I no longer want to go.
I posted that I found an OA Big Book Study previously. I have started reading it. Chapter one highlights:
From pg 3 - The Twelve Provocations. I like them all especially #1 - I am a RECOVERED compulsive eater, not a recovering one. I identify with that because I don't believe in continuously re-enforcing being in that state of always trying to stop eating. Somewhere along the list - or steps in this case - one hopefully comes out of it and lives.
2 steps to step 1. Allergy of the Body which is the craving, and Mental obsession which is unable to stop thinking of the food/craving.
Page 4 - thus we can't stop once we start (the allergy that creates cravings), and we can't stop from starting again (the obsession that sends us back).
Page 6 - Diets ''give back'' binge foods in moderation after the weight is lost. Many people can eat those binge foods in moderation. But we can't - we get the phenomenon of craving.
Page 7 - Allergy doesn't mean a cough or a runny nose or a rash; it means simply an abnormal physical reaction to a physical substance. The allergy of the body we get when we overeat is the 'phenomenon of craving'.
We have to stop our craving, and the only way to stop the craving is to stop eating foods that cause our craving. (We also have to stop the eating behaviors that cause our cravings)
Clearly any food that I couldn't stop eating when I started was a food that caused cravings. I had to eliminate those.
Page 9 - (writer's statement, not mine) The lesson I take from this experience is that it's important always to be honest and vigilant, and not to relax in the program. It's easy to relax; we lose a lot of weight and feel better, and then we reach a plateau. It's important to be honest to see if that plateau is a reasonable plateau!
Page 10 - when it comes to honesty, though, I think what's important is rigorous honesty. Some people jump very quickly to certain kinds of plans of eating because it seems to fit them, or because the plans are urged on them by other people in the program for whom the plans work, or maybe - just maybe! - because the plans allow them to hold onto certain foods which are really binge foods for them.
Page 11 - Well, one thing that's obvious is that virtually every diet and every book on losing weight, and many, many doctors and dietitians and nutritionist whom we consult, all seem to say that once we have lost our weight we can go back to eating ALL the food we used to eat, but this time in moderation! It's just a matter of will power, or maybe they phrase it as won't power. They can't imagine why we would eat in large quantities again.
Page 12 - The Big Book doesn't use the word 'emotional' to describe our problem. It uses the word 'mental'. That's because our reasons for returning to the food are often just insane, and sometimes don't depend on how we're feeling at all.
Page 13 - THE DOUBLE WHAMMY: The first part of our addiction is that we are powerless over food - we get uncontrollable physical cravings when we eat certain foods or indulge in certain eating behaviors. This is the allergy of the body.
The second part is that we can't manage our lives in relation to our powerlessness over food - we get mental obsessions that send us back to those foods and those eating behaviors that we know will cause us the uncontrollable cravings. This is the obsession of the mind.
We have what Dr. Silkworth called the 'DOUBLE WHAMMY'. We can't stop once we've started; and we can't stop from starting again. We're doomed.
That is Step One - the realization that we are doomed. And we're not doomed because of our allergy of the body, but because of our mental obsession. And we begin to realize that the only solution that will ever work with us is something that gets rid of our mental obsession. And we know we can't do it by ourselves, because we can't stop the thinking that keeps sending us back.
End of statements out of the study.
There is a solution to all this - so it's not all bad or hopeless. I'm just sayin.
Brings to mind too, the reason why I've been working at putting support into place for me when I return home. I need to get out, find those who understand, and go from there.
Most of what I will probably write on is step one, only because I need to remember why I can't have that cookie or why my body is reacting to a food. I don't want to do this weight loss AGAIN only to re-gain the weight. I NEED to understand, accept, learn, come to enjoy - all those words along that line - that this is a way of life for me. Just because Phase 3 of Dr Poon's allows a food doesn't mean it's a food that I can allow. Not to be afraid of those foods, just to make that choice that they trigger me (physically and mentally), and lead me down a path I no longer want to go.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
OA to Go
For those following, you know I've been to AA / OA. I will always be grateful for what I learnt there, and for the time it helped me. In a way I've never left it as I continue to follow a few groups on line. I just can't seem to do it though.
I struggle with going to meetings in the evenings (night driving and fatigue), and my focus isn't on the meeting, it's on everything else. AA has better recovery, I find, and the people are friendly up here where I now live, I just don't connect with them that well. My real issue is the food, though I continue to stay away from alcohol. The OA groups up here are in the evenings (dark driving again) and although friendly, not as connective as AA groups. And not as well recovered either. It's a hard addiction to recover from. (Just saying from my own thoughts, every addiction has it's demons and recovery is difficult in them. Between AA and OA for me, AA was easier, food addiction is harder)
One on-line group I enjoy and actually read daily had a posting from an OA big book study share. Big Book is the AA blue book. Nothing new to me as I've read it numerous times. But this study offered a different look. That intrigued me. OA Big Book Study
Allergy of the body and mental obsession. That's what I'm in right now. I try to stop the sugar and carbs and mentally I am drawn back in. The writer in the study states 'I can't stop once I've started. And I can't stop from starting again.'
It's like I want to crawl into the text and wrap it around me like an old, comfortable, supportive blanket as I read the words in it. It's home words for me. These are my people that I understand better and want to talk with. I am so glad the person posted at this time - I am ready for it, and I needed it. Kuddos to them. Not that they know I'm kuddoing them! ha ha
RH follows that line of AA /OA as I've stated before, so this will help too. I don't really know what I'm going to do about meetings after I come back from RH. There is a very close AA meeting I will be able to get to - even in the dark, but that's not where I can talk about food in. I like the 'thumpers' of AA who know the Book and can get one thru it, the ones serious about recovery, and serious about the steps. There were a few in my years ago AA meetings - those are the ones that I know helped me get the weight off. I'm not going to say recovery because I realize now even though I knew the Big Book inside and out, I didn't have recovery because of the pills I took to lose the weight. Somewhere in the back of my mind even then, I knew it wasn't the way to go. Having AA sponsors for and OA addiction, they didn't ask or notice, and I didn't say.
OK, Spirit, you are going to need to look into this and let me clearly know what I'm going to do when I come home from RH! In the meantime, I'm going to read that study and prepare mentally for the meetings at RH.
Now, for those who don't know - Asking Spirit works!!!! Talia usually is stunned when I do it and then let her know what the answer is. She's seen me get answers to things that she thought was semi-impossible. I keep telling her, it's faith, trust, and belief. Oh and willing to hear the answer - even if it's one you don't want to hear.
I started writing this post yesterday. I didn't overly think on if Spirit was going to answer me, and I didn't have a time limit on it either - but during the evening I started realizing what I can do. Dr Poon has a facebook - maybe, just maybe there will be a few Pooners around my area that we could get together. I also know there is an AA meeting in the Cove here, which I will go to and ask if they will allow me to come. I do qualify on the AA side, but I will be honest with the and let them know I am going for the food issues - not that I'm going to talk food, just that's the reason. I would like to go until I either find a more compatible group (like the Pooner FB idea), or find going to this meeting compatible. (meaning I can offer help there too, not just a one way street).
I printed off that OA study and will study it in the meantime. Another duck lined up for me!
I struggle with going to meetings in the evenings (night driving and fatigue), and my focus isn't on the meeting, it's on everything else. AA has better recovery, I find, and the people are friendly up here where I now live, I just don't connect with them that well. My real issue is the food, though I continue to stay away from alcohol. The OA groups up here are in the evenings (dark driving again) and although friendly, not as connective as AA groups. And not as well recovered either. It's a hard addiction to recover from. (Just saying from my own thoughts, every addiction has it's demons and recovery is difficult in them. Between AA and OA for me, AA was easier, food addiction is harder)
One on-line group I enjoy and actually read daily had a posting from an OA big book study share. Big Book is the AA blue book. Nothing new to me as I've read it numerous times. But this study offered a different look. That intrigued me. OA Big Book Study
Allergy of the body and mental obsession. That's what I'm in right now. I try to stop the sugar and carbs and mentally I am drawn back in. The writer in the study states 'I can't stop once I've started. And I can't stop from starting again.'
It's like I want to crawl into the text and wrap it around me like an old, comfortable, supportive blanket as I read the words in it. It's home words for me. These are my people that I understand better and want to talk with. I am so glad the person posted at this time - I am ready for it, and I needed it. Kuddos to them. Not that they know I'm kuddoing them! ha ha
RH follows that line of AA /OA as I've stated before, so this will help too. I don't really know what I'm going to do about meetings after I come back from RH. There is a very close AA meeting I will be able to get to - even in the dark, but that's not where I can talk about food in. I like the 'thumpers' of AA who know the Book and can get one thru it, the ones serious about recovery, and serious about the steps. There were a few in my years ago AA meetings - those are the ones that I know helped me get the weight off. I'm not going to say recovery because I realize now even though I knew the Big Book inside and out, I didn't have recovery because of the pills I took to lose the weight. Somewhere in the back of my mind even then, I knew it wasn't the way to go. Having AA sponsors for and OA addiction, they didn't ask or notice, and I didn't say.
OK, Spirit, you are going to need to look into this and let me clearly know what I'm going to do when I come home from RH! In the meantime, I'm going to read that study and prepare mentally for the meetings at RH.
Now, for those who don't know - Asking Spirit works!!!! Talia usually is stunned when I do it and then let her know what the answer is. She's seen me get answers to things that she thought was semi-impossible. I keep telling her, it's faith, trust, and belief. Oh and willing to hear the answer - even if it's one you don't want to hear.
I started writing this post yesterday. I didn't overly think on if Spirit was going to answer me, and I didn't have a time limit on it either - but during the evening I started realizing what I can do. Dr Poon has a facebook - maybe, just maybe there will be a few Pooners around my area that we could get together. I also know there is an AA meeting in the Cove here, which I will go to and ask if they will allow me to come. I do qualify on the AA side, but I will be honest with the and let them know I am going for the food issues - not that I'm going to talk food, just that's the reason. I would like to go until I either find a more compatible group (like the Pooner FB idea), or find going to this meeting compatible. (meaning I can offer help there too, not just a one way street).
I printed off that OA study and will study it in the meantime. Another duck lined up for me!
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Weigh to Clean
I decided to start by cleaning out the cupboards and fridge/freezer in plan for Dr Poon coming home.
People sometimes don't think about that part. Or the part of making sure there is food in the house. It's horrible to be in the kitchen after cleaning it out, and being hungry and suddenly realizing I didn't buy enough food to last more then one meal. Then realizing there's no-no foods in the house! Oh, to eat it then.
I hate throwing out foods. Not that I mind donating food, it's just irritating to get rid of foods that are healthy (like beans). Then there's the cost to it all too. Frozen foods are harder to get rid of. AJ is going to be eating a lot of foods when I'm off for those 21 days! Mostly the frozen foods. We will also eat more of them until I either get into RH or see Dr Poon.
Keep in mind the foods are healthy. Beans, sweet potatoes, broccoli patties, things like that. Tonight we had turkey, cranberries, rice, brussel sprouts, and then ice cream and herbal tea. It's Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada when I write this tonight.
Hopefully there isn't a lot in the cupboards. I don't think so because I noticed weeks ago that I had started slowing down on what I was buying and focusing more on veggies. Guess Spirit was getting me ready before I knew what I was going to do!
Well, there was a lot in the cupboard.
It's All gotta go. AJ and I went thru it to see what he would eat while I'm in RH. Then that which was still closed, I will donate. The hardest is the opened but usable foods. I posted it on line in our community. As I write, no one has offered the food a home. Our cupboards look a bit empty.
At least there's room now to put the pet food in the cupboards. ha ha
Now I don't know what to make. Not really true. Last night we had left over turkey and salad, herbal tea with stevia, and then it stopped being low carb - had an ice cream. I notice the more I post and read posts etc that I'm already leaning to low carb, low sugar, low salt, low fat choosing. EXCELLENT!
People sometimes don't think about that part. Or the part of making sure there is food in the house. It's horrible to be in the kitchen after cleaning it out, and being hungry and suddenly realizing I didn't buy enough food to last more then one meal. Then realizing there's no-no foods in the house! Oh, to eat it then.
I hate throwing out foods. Not that I mind donating food, it's just irritating to get rid of foods that are healthy (like beans). Then there's the cost to it all too. Frozen foods are harder to get rid of. AJ is going to be eating a lot of foods when I'm off for those 21 days! Mostly the frozen foods. We will also eat more of them until I either get into RH or see Dr Poon.
Keep in mind the foods are healthy. Beans, sweet potatoes, broccoli patties, things like that. Tonight we had turkey, cranberries, rice, brussel sprouts, and then ice cream and herbal tea. It's Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada when I write this tonight.
Hopefully there isn't a lot in the cupboards. I don't think so because I noticed weeks ago that I had started slowing down on what I was buying and focusing more on veggies. Guess Spirit was getting me ready before I knew what I was going to do!
Well, there was a lot in the cupboard.
It's All gotta go. AJ and I went thru it to see what he would eat while I'm in RH. Then that which was still closed, I will donate. The hardest is the opened but usable foods. I posted it on line in our community. As I write, no one has offered the food a home. Our cupboards look a bit empty.
At least there's room now to put the pet food in the cupboards. ha ha
Now I don't know what to make. Not really true. Last night we had left over turkey and salad, herbal tea with stevia, and then it stopped being low carb - had an ice cream. I notice the more I post and read posts etc that I'm already leaning to low carb, low sugar, low salt, low fat choosing. EXCELLENT!
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
TRUST ME! Yeah, right
My body is suspicious. She thinks I'm talkin smack. (looked that up means - Insulting speech, especially when intended to irritate or annoy someone.)
I don't believe that's the case now. It has been in the past years. Of all the plans I've made, getting my body on board is a major one. Why? Well, because of what I've done to her. All those crazy diets, pills, exercise and binge eating, not eating etc. True, I've been sincere in wanting to be kind to myself and be healthy and slim, but what I've put my body thru to get there is another story.
In OA I learnt how some people, although they are eating correctly for them, the weight will not come off - until they continue for a long while, and then suddenly the weight drops. I actually know this from my own experience. At that time it happened to me too. I was told to keep focusing on eating properly and let my body follow.
That's what I'm going to have to do in RH and beyond. I need to just follow what is right for me to eat, and proper exercise and just show my body that she can trust me. I have been explaining to her what I'm doing and how much I love me, but because I ain't doing it now, there are questions. And those questions are starting to bother me.
I've called my doctor. I'm going to ask him to send me to Dr Poon, and see if I can get in before I go to RH. There needs to be action, not just talkin smack. Though I'm thinking at this point, between the day I see my doctor, he faxes, they call, and if I get it.... will basically be timed with going to RH. Either I will get in one appointment before I go, or have an appointment a day after I get home.
If I know low carb... well what's stopping me then from starting right this very moment. Nothing. Nothing but fear. Nothing but the need to know what I'm doing to follow. Nothing but wanting support. To be in a place where the detoxing can be handled by those more experienced then me. I don't like detoxing, and that shows when I start and a few days I cheat. I don't want to cheat anymore, I don't want excuses, I don't want to be melting down over a piece of food and arguing in my head about it. That's why I'm semi-stalling, to get thru those first few days. Anyone who has detoxed will understand it. BUT, to be on the fair side, I have been monitoring my foods since starting this blog - so not all is lost. It's just not perfect, and I like perfect. (and perfect is never going to happen! ha ha ha)
I don't believe that's the case now. It has been in the past years. Of all the plans I've made, getting my body on board is a major one. Why? Well, because of what I've done to her. All those crazy diets, pills, exercise and binge eating, not eating etc. True, I've been sincere in wanting to be kind to myself and be healthy and slim, but what I've put my body thru to get there is another story.
In OA I learnt how some people, although they are eating correctly for them, the weight will not come off - until they continue for a long while, and then suddenly the weight drops. I actually know this from my own experience. At that time it happened to me too. I was told to keep focusing on eating properly and let my body follow.
That's what I'm going to have to do in RH and beyond. I need to just follow what is right for me to eat, and proper exercise and just show my body that she can trust me. I have been explaining to her what I'm doing and how much I love me, but because I ain't doing it now, there are questions. And those questions are starting to bother me.
I've called my doctor. I'm going to ask him to send me to Dr Poon, and see if I can get in before I go to RH. There needs to be action, not just talkin smack. Though I'm thinking at this point, between the day I see my doctor, he faxes, they call, and if I get it.... will basically be timed with going to RH. Either I will get in one appointment before I go, or have an appointment a day after I get home.
If I know low carb... well what's stopping me then from starting right this very moment. Nothing. Nothing but fear. Nothing but the need to know what I'm doing to follow. Nothing but wanting support. To be in a place where the detoxing can be handled by those more experienced then me. I don't like detoxing, and that shows when I start and a few days I cheat. I don't want to cheat anymore, I don't want excuses, I don't want to be melting down over a piece of food and arguing in my head about it. That's why I'm semi-stalling, to get thru those first few days. Anyone who has detoxed will understand it. BUT, to be on the fair side, I have been monitoring my foods since starting this blog - so not all is lost. It's just not perfect, and I like perfect. (and perfect is never going to happen! ha ha ha)
Monday, October 10, 2016
Why now?
After yesterday's post are you asking why now?
I don't really know why now. I think moving to the Cove and over the last 3 years has healed me emotionally, physically and spiritually more. Also that 50 yr belief of I can stop worrying over everyone's opinion of me has helped. Not perfect at that, but overall I believe it.
I suspect too that Jax (realized AJ and JJ are too close in names and JJ's name is Jax) has been a big help. He got me walking, that cleared my head. Even the short walks on the days I'm not well helped physically. Spiritually, the peace, green grass and garden have calmed my soul. AJ's unwavering love has melted off emotional scars. I'm beginning to see and for the first time be myself.
With that - I notice I'm ready. Not just to try it for a bit, but to do it. I feel better on those days where I eat less sugar, wheat, carbs, and notice what happens on the days where I eat too much of them. Spirit has brought me to a place where I can see myself - and has also brought into my life those things, like RH and Dr Poon, this blog, other blogs etc to help me. Funny how one can know of something for years and years and yet not notice them - then suddenly it's like oh wow, this is it!!! I know low carb, I've done low carb. I know no sugar - I did no sugar on a program for 3 months, I was nuts emotionally. The program had no sugar at all - which was fine - but had a carb amount at each meal. I wasn't losing weight, but I was losing my mind on it. I would talk to the director and say the carbs were too much for me and she would say eat them or else you are not on the program basically. You can guess the outcome with that.
One of the things I was worried about was my pattern of weight loss. As you can read it involved pills, mega exercise, not a lot of food and dating. Since the pills and dating are out, and I know now one needs food with a balance of exercise.... I was afraid I couldn't do it - I couldn't lose the weight properly.
This past year has taught me (my Spirit guides are kind on me) that I can eat. I have come to understand what I knew already in a new way. I knew high carbs (big in vegetarianism), sugars and too much fats/salt isn't healing for my being - spiritually, physically or emotionally. I have never been as happy as I have been these last few years. Even my down, painful days are more manageable. I also have come to know - the one thing in both those last two weight loss times I do need is - support/monitoring. I did better when I had the chance to talk with others, to be accountable. I'm one of those that tends to be alone. And I don't do well in some areas alone, weight loss is one of them.
I've read blogs where they are doing it for their kids. I don't have any. (neither does AJ). So what is my motivation? I've wondered that myself since starting this. It's not AJ or Jax, they love me as I am. Could be health. But that's not a driving factor for me I think, otherwise I would have done it long ago.
I'm just now ready. Even though I'm going to RH Nov 7, I notice how I'm already making wiser choices, because.... well, because I'm ready to live. Not for someone else like I did before (what do you think all that dating was about?), or for AJ either. It's for me. Fabulously Awesome ME.
I don't really know why now. I think moving to the Cove and over the last 3 years has healed me emotionally, physically and spiritually more. Also that 50 yr belief of I can stop worrying over everyone's opinion of me has helped. Not perfect at that, but overall I believe it.
I suspect too that Jax (realized AJ and JJ are too close in names and JJ's name is Jax) has been a big help. He got me walking, that cleared my head. Even the short walks on the days I'm not well helped physically. Spiritually, the peace, green grass and garden have calmed my soul. AJ's unwavering love has melted off emotional scars. I'm beginning to see and for the first time be myself.
With that - I notice I'm ready. Not just to try it for a bit, but to do it. I feel better on those days where I eat less sugar, wheat, carbs, and notice what happens on the days where I eat too much of them. Spirit has brought me to a place where I can see myself - and has also brought into my life those things, like RH and Dr Poon, this blog, other blogs etc to help me. Funny how one can know of something for years and years and yet not notice them - then suddenly it's like oh wow, this is it!!! I know low carb, I've done low carb. I know no sugar - I did no sugar on a program for 3 months, I was nuts emotionally. The program had no sugar at all - which was fine - but had a carb amount at each meal. I wasn't losing weight, but I was losing my mind on it. I would talk to the director and say the carbs were too much for me and she would say eat them or else you are not on the program basically. You can guess the outcome with that.
One of the things I was worried about was my pattern of weight loss. As you can read it involved pills, mega exercise, not a lot of food and dating. Since the pills and dating are out, and I know now one needs food with a balance of exercise.... I was afraid I couldn't do it - I couldn't lose the weight properly.
This past year has taught me (my Spirit guides are kind on me) that I can eat. I have come to understand what I knew already in a new way. I knew high carbs (big in vegetarianism), sugars and too much fats/salt isn't healing for my being - spiritually, physically or emotionally. I have never been as happy as I have been these last few years. Even my down, painful days are more manageable. I also have come to know - the one thing in both those last two weight loss times I do need is - support/monitoring. I did better when I had the chance to talk with others, to be accountable. I'm one of those that tends to be alone. And I don't do well in some areas alone, weight loss is one of them.
I've read blogs where they are doing it for their kids. I don't have any. (neither does AJ). So what is my motivation? I've wondered that myself since starting this. It's not AJ or Jax, they love me as I am. Could be health. But that's not a driving factor for me I think, otherwise I would have done it long ago.
I'm just now ready. Even though I'm going to RH Nov 7, I notice how I'm already making wiser choices, because.... well, because I'm ready to live. Not for someone else like I did before (what do you think all that dating was about?), or for AJ either. It's for me. Fabulously Awesome ME.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Weigh To Go
My jeans are comfortable. Usually after a summer of shorts, my jeans are tight in the fall. I personally think they shrink over the summer! But not this year.
To be fair, I have been working at eating better for a long time. As in 2 years.
History time: (repeat but with more numbers - great for those who like math)
I have always been on the chubby side as a child. In my teens I was 180 lbs, and met my then hubby (hubby #1), we married 2 months after I turned 18, and I weighed 220 lbs. At 260 lbs and 2 years later I asked him to go back to his parents (he did), and I went to the doc for diet pills. Lost weight in 6 months and weighed 180 lbs again. But I was fit and muscled too. About 1 1/2 years after that I had a crash emotionally, and ate like there was no tomorrow. Gained 60 lbs in 3 months. Afterwards gained more over the years until my late 30's. Around 38 yrs, and over 300 lbs - never was weighed exactly, but the doctor thinks it was 330 lbs, I had lipo suction and a tummy trim. Thought is was the thing that would get me to lose weight. With this surgery and a bit of monitoring my food intake my weight bounced between 270 and 290 lbs.
I had thought of gastric surgery, but I knew it wasn't for me. I guess I didn't trust I would keep the weight off, and was worried about what would happen if I ate afterwards. I had thoughts once the weight was off, I'd be able to eat anything I wanted again.
At 270 lbs, I started AA / OA and herbal diet pills - cuz I knew they would work with the mega exercising - and I didn't get the program idea enough or the belief I could lose weight properly. As a trigger food I gave up chocolates. By not eating much, pills and exercise I got back down to 180 lbs. I was 44 years old. Met my now hubby AJ, and started to eat foods again. Some weight came back - up to 200 lbs. I also was ill physically.
I think a lot about that time and the start (?) of the illness time. I really think the herbal pills and not eating and mega exercising and mega stress about it all triggered things big time. Was always there in my body, but that tipped it over the cliff. I was spiraling down, couldn't stop and ate - I decided very calmly to eat chocolates again after 6 years of not eating them and told this to AJ. He wasn't sure about it, but it really wasn't his decision. I remember driving in the city and looking at my hands on the steering wheel and wondering who's hands they were and how to control them. Now I think Spirit was driving those times because I made it to the places. I would ask AJ to pass the salt - but I couldn't form the words or even think what that white stuff in the shaker was. Anxiety was at an all time high too. Not to mention all the other physical reactions my body was going thru.
By the time I needed to leave work I was 240 lbs and 48 years old. Living in the city was stressful for me and I wasn't physically healing. Just before my 50th birthday we moved up to The Cove. At 51 I started looking at juicing and healthier foods, vegetarianism etc. More a month here, then a month there - not a lot of stringing them together. Tried a few things - like the herbal pills again, but I knew what they had done, and couldn't do them again. Threw out the bottles after just taking a few. Tried AA / OA but wasn't into that because it just reminded me of dating. AJ is the love of my life and I have no interest in another man, so doing the route I did before isn't an option for me.
This last year - age 53, has brought more stability to me with foods and eating. I found the vegetarianism has been easier on me, and that I could do more months together. But not get the weight off. I bounce between 240 and 245 lbs.
I don't weigh myself unless I go to the doctor - and he weighs me. I figure my clothes will tell me. And this month my clothes told me - my jeans are comfortable.
To be fair, I have been working at eating better for a long time. As in 2 years.
History time: (repeat but with more numbers - great for those who like math)
I have always been on the chubby side as a child. In my teens I was 180 lbs, and met my then hubby (hubby #1), we married 2 months after I turned 18, and I weighed 220 lbs. At 260 lbs and 2 years later I asked him to go back to his parents (he did), and I went to the doc for diet pills. Lost weight in 6 months and weighed 180 lbs again. But I was fit and muscled too. About 1 1/2 years after that I had a crash emotionally, and ate like there was no tomorrow. Gained 60 lbs in 3 months. Afterwards gained more over the years until my late 30's. Around 38 yrs, and over 300 lbs - never was weighed exactly, but the doctor thinks it was 330 lbs, I had lipo suction and a tummy trim. Thought is was the thing that would get me to lose weight. With this surgery and a bit of monitoring my food intake my weight bounced between 270 and 290 lbs.
I had thought of gastric surgery, but I knew it wasn't for me. I guess I didn't trust I would keep the weight off, and was worried about what would happen if I ate afterwards. I had thoughts once the weight was off, I'd be able to eat anything I wanted again.
At 270 lbs, I started AA / OA and herbal diet pills - cuz I knew they would work with the mega exercising - and I didn't get the program idea enough or the belief I could lose weight properly. As a trigger food I gave up chocolates. By not eating much, pills and exercise I got back down to 180 lbs. I was 44 years old. Met my now hubby AJ, and started to eat foods again. Some weight came back - up to 200 lbs. I also was ill physically.
I think a lot about that time and the start (?) of the illness time. I really think the herbal pills and not eating and mega exercising and mega stress about it all triggered things big time. Was always there in my body, but that tipped it over the cliff. I was spiraling down, couldn't stop and ate - I decided very calmly to eat chocolates again after 6 years of not eating them and told this to AJ. He wasn't sure about it, but it really wasn't his decision. I remember driving in the city and looking at my hands on the steering wheel and wondering who's hands they were and how to control them. Now I think Spirit was driving those times because I made it to the places. I would ask AJ to pass the salt - but I couldn't form the words or even think what that white stuff in the shaker was. Anxiety was at an all time high too. Not to mention all the other physical reactions my body was going thru.
By the time I needed to leave work I was 240 lbs and 48 years old. Living in the city was stressful for me and I wasn't physically healing. Just before my 50th birthday we moved up to The Cove. At 51 I started looking at juicing and healthier foods, vegetarianism etc. More a month here, then a month there - not a lot of stringing them together. Tried a few things - like the herbal pills again, but I knew what they had done, and couldn't do them again. Threw out the bottles after just taking a few. Tried AA / OA but wasn't into that because it just reminded me of dating. AJ is the love of my life and I have no interest in another man, so doing the route I did before isn't an option for me.
This last year - age 53, has brought more stability to me with foods and eating. I found the vegetarianism has been easier on me, and that I could do more months together. But not get the weight off. I bounce between 240 and 245 lbs.
I don't weigh myself unless I go to the doctor - and he weighs me. I figure my clothes will tell me. And this month my clothes told me - my jeans are comfortable.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
BETTER THEN CHRISTMAS
I'm excited. The count down has started, 30 days to go. Plans are in place. Excited thoughts of how well it will go. Dreams of how easy I will get over the struggles of being off sugar, wheat and grains at RH centre. How when I come home, I will be able to continue. (oh that one I really pray will happen!)
I remember how excited I would be in December as the days counted down to Christmas. And then it would be over - what happened? That's why this is better then Christmas, because when I get home, it will really start - or continue.
Okay, I know it's a bit crazy to think things will go easy. I choose to believe that no matter what the challenges are, I will be able to get through them - at least I'm hopeful for that. As I eat a Tim Horton's muffin.......
Lunch was veg with some nuts and hemp seeds topped off with herbal tea laced with lemon and stevia and a Tim's muffin.
Part of me has thoughts of it's only 30 days left.... have what you want because you won't be able to have it again. Smarter part of me knows, that's not true, it's a lie and you know you want to eat healthier. I am attempting to continue a healthier path even before I go, because, well because it's truly better for me.
I came across The Diet Rebellion site when I was looking for support. I looked into it. I like their idea. I believe that's the route I'm going - even though I'm doing low carb/abstinence and planning Dr Poon. It's about loving yourself where you are and choosing health. (my take on it) I know when I turned 50 yrs old, I thought, this is it, I don't have to care anymore what others think of me I can now love myself and my body as I am. I would look in the mirror at my beautiful naked self and think I look good. Mostly. There were times that I didn't think good thoughts and ran to a diet idea.
Sad that I had to believe I needed to wait until I was 50 yrs old to love myself. But it's where I was. Spirit I believe knows when we are ready. Even after turning 50 it took me another 3 years of learning to get to this point. And 5 years from now I can look back and say - it took me 5 yrs to get to here (there). Sometimes things go slow....aurgh.
I'm so glad Christmas comes early for me this year! ha ha ha.
I remember how excited I would be in December as the days counted down to Christmas. And then it would be over - what happened? That's why this is better then Christmas, because when I get home, it will really start - or continue.
Okay, I know it's a bit crazy to think things will go easy. I choose to believe that no matter what the challenges are, I will be able to get through them - at least I'm hopeful for that. As I eat a Tim Horton's muffin.......
Lunch was veg with some nuts and hemp seeds topped off with herbal tea laced with lemon and stevia and a Tim's muffin.
Part of me has thoughts of it's only 30 days left.... have what you want because you won't be able to have it again. Smarter part of me knows, that's not true, it's a lie and you know you want to eat healthier. I am attempting to continue a healthier path even before I go, because, well because it's truly better for me.
I came across The Diet Rebellion site when I was looking for support. I looked into it. I like their idea. I believe that's the route I'm going - even though I'm doing low carb/abstinence and planning Dr Poon. It's about loving yourself where you are and choosing health. (my take on it) I know when I turned 50 yrs old, I thought, this is it, I don't have to care anymore what others think of me I can now love myself and my body as I am. I would look in the mirror at my beautiful naked self and think I look good. Mostly. There were times that I didn't think good thoughts and ran to a diet idea.
Sad that I had to believe I needed to wait until I was 50 yrs old to love myself. But it's where I was. Spirit I believe knows when we are ready. Even after turning 50 it took me another 3 years of learning to get to this point. And 5 years from now I can look back and say - it took me 5 yrs to get to here (there). Sometimes things go slow....aurgh.
I'm so glad Christmas comes early for me this year! ha ha ha.
Friday, October 7, 2016
FANTASY, THE NEW REALITY
Of course! I'm jumping! Jumping in with all of me!
After talking with the intaker and better understanding RH plan on food etc I felt this was for me. The protein would include meat, but there is nuts, and tofu (not my favorite) on the list, so there's vegetarian meals for me to make. And a lot of vegetables. LOTS, 20 ounces at each lunch and dinner.
What really scared me though was what would happen when I come out of RH. After 21 days of detoxing and coming out clean and sugar-free, how was I going to deal with daily life. I know what to eat, so that's not really an issue, but how am I going to deal with life and food etc - especially if I'm not feeling well, or feeling down, or feeling upset, or just feeling like inhaling a ton of chocolates.
RH also follows the AA / OA plan. So meetings are the way to go.
Being familiar with AA from before this doesn't worry me either. But what did worry me was that when I tried it on my own a few years ago, it wasn't enough to keep me going. What was I going to do? I really, really didn't want to go for 21 days, and then end up coming home just to struggle with meetings and knowing I would lose it. I KNOW/KNEW I needed more support then just AA/OA.
As the days continued on, I aimed for even more vegan meals, and stress continued as to what I was going to do afterwards. I talked a lot to AJ about. Oh what I patient, patient, attentive husband! He just let me talk.
One hobby I have is going to art class, which happens to be at a health centre, one day a social worker came in. As I ended up sitting beside her, I talked and she informed me I could see her. Spirit was answering my worries! Then I found there was a dietitian, and I thought that could help guide me afterwards too.
I felt better, I had meetings and a social worker (who could be my sponsor) and someone to talk to about the foods. Though I still felt something was missing, the dietitian wasn't the total answer.
Spirit came through again! As a fluke I was on the internet looking for some type of support group (found Eating Disorder group, that's in the back pocket), and I came across DR POON.
Now Dr Poon I have heard of before, from a co-worker years ago. I also knew he had 3 offices (4 now). And I knew the co-worker had done well with him. I looked into the program. Here comes another blessing - with a doctor's referral and bloodwork, it's covered by OHIP. (I live in Ontario, this is medical coverage). Thank you Spirit! I will go to my family doctor before my Nov 7 treatment to have him send the referral so that it will be ready for when I come out 21 days later. The office is 1 hour's drive away - one way, so that's a 2 hour drive, but the support and guidance and monitoring I will get will be worth it. His plan is also low carb and no sugar.
My ducks are in a row. I feel I have created a well functioning support plan. I have AJ, JJ, friends, meetings, social worker, dietitian, Dr Poon (to be approved, but feel it will happen), then Dr Poon's FaceBook group, other blogs to read, and lastly, I decided to also blog so that I can share my journey. I hope it will help others to be encourage in their journey.
With all this... I can see that my fantasy of being slim and health can become my reality. YES!
After talking with the intaker and better understanding RH plan on food etc I felt this was for me. The protein would include meat, but there is nuts, and tofu (not my favorite) on the list, so there's vegetarian meals for me to make. And a lot of vegetables. LOTS, 20 ounces at each lunch and dinner.
What really scared me though was what would happen when I come out of RH. After 21 days of detoxing and coming out clean and sugar-free, how was I going to deal with daily life. I know what to eat, so that's not really an issue, but how am I going to deal with life and food etc - especially if I'm not feeling well, or feeling down, or feeling upset, or just feeling like inhaling a ton of chocolates.
RH also follows the AA / OA plan. So meetings are the way to go.
Being familiar with AA from before this doesn't worry me either. But what did worry me was that when I tried it on my own a few years ago, it wasn't enough to keep me going. What was I going to do? I really, really didn't want to go for 21 days, and then end up coming home just to struggle with meetings and knowing I would lose it. I KNOW/KNEW I needed more support then just AA/OA.
As the days continued on, I aimed for even more vegan meals, and stress continued as to what I was going to do afterwards. I talked a lot to AJ about. Oh what I patient, patient, attentive husband! He just let me talk.
One hobby I have is going to art class, which happens to be at a health centre, one day a social worker came in. As I ended up sitting beside her, I talked and she informed me I could see her. Spirit was answering my worries! Then I found there was a dietitian, and I thought that could help guide me afterwards too.
I felt better, I had meetings and a social worker (who could be my sponsor) and someone to talk to about the foods. Though I still felt something was missing, the dietitian wasn't the total answer.
Spirit came through again! As a fluke I was on the internet looking for some type of support group (found Eating Disorder group, that's in the back pocket), and I came across DR POON.
Now Dr Poon I have heard of before, from a co-worker years ago. I also knew he had 3 offices (4 now). And I knew the co-worker had done well with him. I looked into the program. Here comes another blessing - with a doctor's referral and bloodwork, it's covered by OHIP. (I live in Ontario, this is medical coverage). Thank you Spirit! I will go to my family doctor before my Nov 7 treatment to have him send the referral so that it will be ready for when I come out 21 days later. The office is 1 hour's drive away - one way, so that's a 2 hour drive, but the support and guidance and monitoring I will get will be worth it. His plan is also low carb and no sugar.
My ducks are in a row. I feel I have created a well functioning support plan. I have AJ, JJ, friends, meetings, social worker, dietitian, Dr Poon (to be approved, but feel it will happen), then Dr Poon's FaceBook group, other blogs to read, and lastly, I decided to also blog so that I can share my journey. I hope it will help others to be encourage in their journey.
With all this... I can see that my fantasy of being slim and health can become my reality. YES!
Thursday, October 6, 2016
COMMENTS
I saw this blog had some comments. Being blog naive, I am at a loss as to how to read them. For me they don't show, except one. I have played around in the settings, so I don't know if I lost those comments (they don't show they are there anymore), or what.
Until I can figure this out, it's ok to comment, but please know I'm not ignoring you - I'm trying to find you! I will soon I hope.
:)
UPDATE: I think with all the switching and fiddling I figured out the comments. I did find the area to go into, but I also think I lost a few. I apologize to anyone who commented and I didn't reply. Hopefully one day someone will read my blog and make a comment and I can see if I did do it right!
Until I can figure this out, it's ok to comment, but please know I'm not ignoring you - I'm trying to find you! I will soon I hope.
:)
UPDATE: I think with all the switching and fiddling I figured out the comments. I did find the area to go into, but I also think I lost a few. I apologize to anyone who commented and I didn't reply. Hopefully one day someone will read my blog and make a comment and I can see if I did do it right!
3RD TIME CHARM
We moved to this little Cove (hence from now on called the Cove) over 3 years ago. I love that we have a house, we were in a condo before.
During the first year, I wanted a puppy, but we ended up deciding to let it go. In the second year, I couldn't let it go - for 20 years I wanted a Havanese. I found one, and he is my little delight. JJ helped me by getting me to walk. I wouldn't walk for myself, but for him, yes.
As you can guess, I'm not much for exercise. Except those two times in my life when I was 'nuts' with weight loss. I'd exercise daily for like 3-4 HOURS! But then again, I was on pills that just kept me going, and going, and going.
With this, leisurely walking, I started looking into eating healthy, and maybe losing those extra pounds. I attempted juicing, even buying a $400 juicer (sold it for $100), and then into vegetarian. I actually started to feel better on the vegetarian foods, though the weight remind. Well, I also included all those bagels and treats, so no surprise.
What I did learn was to cook more veggies. And that has been so helpful overall. I found and printed many recipes. Became a hobby for me. It has gotten to the point where I can look in the fridge and see veggies and figure out dinner. We eat a lot more veggies now instead of tossing them. So glad $$$$$.
With this change of veggies, I still would eat meat. I couldn't figure out how to define it until a few weeks ago. I'm a MEGAN. Not the girl name, but a MEgan. My heart is more vegan, but there's still some meat in my mouth. When I say some, I do mean some. Not everyday meals, but once in a while.
During this time my best friend Talia, who I met in OA years, and years ago, mentioned she was going to a food addiction treatment centre. RH is/was doing a trial on it. As she talked, I felt a longing. She was doing well overall but having some trouble in a bit of weight gain. She lost her weight those years ago, as I did, but she kept it off where I eat a lot of it back. I got the number from her.... talked with my hubby, and later called. In August 2016 they called me for an intake, and I got in - with a date for November 7, 2016.
Between June 2016 and August 2016 I kept flipping in wanting to go and deciding to cancel as I can do this on my own. (Yeah right.... well, yeah I could, but help and support is more successful for me) Thankfully, I didn't call to cancel.
Once that intake was over, I was all for it. I knew I was ready. This treatment is - no sugar, no wheat, no grains. Basically low carb. Have done low carb and it does help me. I'm diabetic and less carbs is easier on me. I know this from my own experience. What I could never get to is lasting more then 7 days off carbs and sugar. This place is 21 days - staying there. I'm sure those counselors are ready for the roller coaster that I will go through.
So here I stand on the edge, and am I ready to jump?
During the first year, I wanted a puppy, but we ended up deciding to let it go. In the second year, I couldn't let it go - for 20 years I wanted a Havanese. I found one, and he is my little delight. JJ helped me by getting me to walk. I wouldn't walk for myself, but for him, yes.
As you can guess, I'm not much for exercise. Except those two times in my life when I was 'nuts' with weight loss. I'd exercise daily for like 3-4 HOURS! But then again, I was on pills that just kept me going, and going, and going.
With this, leisurely walking, I started looking into eating healthy, and maybe losing those extra pounds. I attempted juicing, even buying a $400 juicer (sold it for $100), and then into vegetarian. I actually started to feel better on the vegetarian foods, though the weight remind. Well, I also included all those bagels and treats, so no surprise.
What I did learn was to cook more veggies. And that has been so helpful overall. I found and printed many recipes. Became a hobby for me. It has gotten to the point where I can look in the fridge and see veggies and figure out dinner. We eat a lot more veggies now instead of tossing them. So glad $$$$$.
With this change of veggies, I still would eat meat. I couldn't figure out how to define it until a few weeks ago. I'm a MEGAN. Not the girl name, but a MEgan. My heart is more vegan, but there's still some meat in my mouth. When I say some, I do mean some. Not everyday meals, but once in a while.
During this time my best friend Talia, who I met in OA years, and years ago, mentioned she was going to a food addiction treatment centre. RH is/was doing a trial on it. As she talked, I felt a longing. She was doing well overall but having some trouble in a bit of weight gain. She lost her weight those years ago, as I did, but she kept it off where I eat a lot of it back. I got the number from her.... talked with my hubby, and later called. In August 2016 they called me for an intake, and I got in - with a date for November 7, 2016.
Between June 2016 and August 2016 I kept flipping in wanting to go and deciding to cancel as I can do this on my own. (Yeah right.... well, yeah I could, but help and support is more successful for me) Thankfully, I didn't call to cancel.
Once that intake was over, I was all for it. I knew I was ready. This treatment is - no sugar, no wheat, no grains. Basically low carb. Have done low carb and it does help me. I'm diabetic and less carbs is easier on me. I know this from my own experience. What I could never get to is lasting more then 7 days off carbs and sugar. This place is 21 days - staying there. I'm sure those counselors are ready for the roller coaster that I will go through.
So here I stand on the edge, and am I ready to jump?
Life changes
where was I? Oh yes,
By 42 I had followed a friend into program. AA and OA created life change number 2. I learned more about myself, followed the steps to a T, and did all that was suggested. But only on the outside, inside I still thought heavily.
I knew diet pills wasn't the way to go. So I promptly went to the health store and got healthy weight loss pills. And yes, they did work, along with dating and barely eating and lots of exercising. Basically the same way I did it the first time, only now with healthy pills. You'd think I'd have learnt from the first time, but obviously it didn't. Funny how one creates blind spots in their memories.
I lost 90 lbs in about 7 months. I was back down to 180 lbs, and I was exhausted.
I did meet my current hubby, stopped going to programs as I couldn't continue being so tired. I am still alcohol free, but sugars - especially chocolates - came back. The weight crept up slowly. We got married in October 2009, with me being 30 lbs heavier. He loves me. I also was very, very ill.
After getting married, I came home from work one day, and by that night I knew I couldn't work, I needed help to get better. That was and is a very long recovery. I had seriously damaged my health. I gained another 30 pounds. Emotionally and illness doesn't cause me to stop eating, but caused me to eat more.
In the years between 2009 and now I again made feeble tempts but just didn't have it in me to seriously take care of my health. Which didn't help my illness either. I did try going back to program but couldn't last.
Life change number 2 did bring me weight loss, and so much more - a wonderful hubby (yeah, I moved out of my mother's house) and then we moved an hour away into a house of our own. We also brought into our house last year a delightful Havi puppy. Our older cats were thrilled.... not.
Now we are a happy little family and I'm better most days. Life change number 2 was good, just not good enough.
By 42 I had followed a friend into program. AA and OA created life change number 2. I learned more about myself, followed the steps to a T, and did all that was suggested. But only on the outside, inside I still thought heavily.
I knew diet pills wasn't the way to go. So I promptly went to the health store and got healthy weight loss pills. And yes, they did work, along with dating and barely eating and lots of exercising. Basically the same way I did it the first time, only now with healthy pills. You'd think I'd have learnt from the first time, but obviously it didn't. Funny how one creates blind spots in their memories.
I lost 90 lbs in about 7 months. I was back down to 180 lbs, and I was exhausted.
I did meet my current hubby, stopped going to programs as I couldn't continue being so tired. I am still alcohol free, but sugars - especially chocolates - came back. The weight crept up slowly. We got married in October 2009, with me being 30 lbs heavier. He loves me. I also was very, very ill.
After getting married, I came home from work one day, and by that night I knew I couldn't work, I needed help to get better. That was and is a very long recovery. I had seriously damaged my health. I gained another 30 pounds. Emotionally and illness doesn't cause me to stop eating, but caused me to eat more.
In the years between 2009 and now I again made feeble tempts but just didn't have it in me to seriously take care of my health. Which didn't help my illness either. I did try going back to program but couldn't last.
Life change number 2 did bring me weight loss, and so much more - a wonderful hubby (yeah, I moved out of my mother's house) and then we moved an hour away into a house of our own. We also brought into our house last year a delightful Havi puppy. Our older cats were thrilled.... not.
Now we are a happy little family and I'm better most days. Life change number 2 was good, just not good enough.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Let it Begin Again and Again...and Again
They say that the third time is a charm. May it be so for me. My name is Krystal and this is my journey for my third major life change in weight loss. I choose this change to be a spiritual one along with my weight loss.
This is my first time doing a blog, so please bare with me as I learn to write this blog and what I'm writing.
I'll start with some of my background. I'm 53 years old, married to a super wonderful man, have two cats and one little dog. We live in an adult community and am so grateful we were able to buy a house here.
I grew up on the chubby side. At 18 I married a very nice man who loved me as I was. Though at that point I had no idea of who I was, and that marriage ended 2 years later when I asked him to move back to his parents. (We eventually divorced 5 years after getting married)
At 20 and weighing around 280 lbs, I decided I was going to be different and change my life - life change number 1. I went to the doctor, got diet pills, changed jobs, and barely ate. Soon after I found interest in date - something I really didn't do in my teens as I was overweight, shy, quiet and lost then. I started dancing Sunday nights. Between dancing, diet pills, very little eating, and dating the weight melted off - in 7 months, I was down to 180 lbs. I couldn't get lower then that weight, but I was happy and busy for the first time in my life.
I moved out of my parents house (that husband and I lived with my parents for those 2 years) and into an apartment. It was in a very 'lively' area in the city and I was from the country. It was party, party, part! I was naive. Very soon after things were crashing on me, I had quiet my job, the boyfriend left, I had divorced my then hubby, I was upset and my mother came and got me, bringing me back home to her house.
I went back to the one thing I knew best - eating.
I had kept that weight off for about 1 1/2 years, and in 3 months I had gained 60 lbs. Junk food, sugar, and carbs were my so called friends.
Between 25 and 40 I had feeble tempts to break up with those so called friends and weight loss. Crazy diets, hypnosis, prayers, etc and therapy - which helped me heal a lot of my childhood traumas and issues, but not my weight. I was at this time, isolating myself from others. I had a steady job, in debt, and basically lonesome. I read a lot of books on self-help and change your life. What changed was someone from church asked to come visit me weekly. I was beyond thrilled.
Ah, memories... more later
This is my first time doing a blog, so please bare with me as I learn to write this blog and what I'm writing.
I'll start with some of my background. I'm 53 years old, married to a super wonderful man, have two cats and one little dog. We live in an adult community and am so grateful we were able to buy a house here.
I grew up on the chubby side. At 18 I married a very nice man who loved me as I was. Though at that point I had no idea of who I was, and that marriage ended 2 years later when I asked him to move back to his parents. (We eventually divorced 5 years after getting married)
At 20 and weighing around 280 lbs, I decided I was going to be different and change my life - life change number 1. I went to the doctor, got diet pills, changed jobs, and barely ate. Soon after I found interest in date - something I really didn't do in my teens as I was overweight, shy, quiet and lost then. I started dancing Sunday nights. Between dancing, diet pills, very little eating, and dating the weight melted off - in 7 months, I was down to 180 lbs. I couldn't get lower then that weight, but I was happy and busy for the first time in my life.
I moved out of my parents house (that husband and I lived with my parents for those 2 years) and into an apartment. It was in a very 'lively' area in the city and I was from the country. It was party, party, part! I was naive. Very soon after things were crashing on me, I had quiet my job, the boyfriend left, I had divorced my then hubby, I was upset and my mother came and got me, bringing me back home to her house.
I went back to the one thing I knew best - eating.
I had kept that weight off for about 1 1/2 years, and in 3 months I had gained 60 lbs. Junk food, sugar, and carbs were my so called friends.
Between 25 and 40 I had feeble tempts to break up with those so called friends and weight loss. Crazy diets, hypnosis, prayers, etc and therapy - which helped me heal a lot of my childhood traumas and issues, but not my weight. I was at this time, isolating myself from others. I had a steady job, in debt, and basically lonesome. I read a lot of books on self-help and change your life. What changed was someone from church asked to come visit me weekly. I was beyond thrilled.
Ah, memories... more later
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)