Nov 11/16 will be 12 years since I had my last drink of alcohol. When I went to AA I agreed to no drinking. More because at the time I couldn't get numb enough from food to stop the pain inside and had started putting wine in the fridge so I could have a drink with dinner. I never did because of that friend coming over - she asked about 3 weeks after I had put the bottles in the fridge. Spirit was watching over me. The ironic thing is - I never cared for that whoozy feeling I got when I drank alcohol - especially my favorite, Vodka. Between the vodka and the wine in the fridge plan, it was easy for me to 'have a desire to stop drinking', and follow my friend into AA.
So why I have I not drank in 12 years? Because. Because somewhere deep inside me I KNOW. I know without experience that there is a very strong possibility that might not be able to stop drinking alcohol. Even with all those maybes and might nots in that statement, I just can't chance it. It's not an AA brainwashing either for me. There is something that is just so clear, that warning bells ring, on how dangerous it would be for me to drink. Remember watching a scary show, and saying to the (usually) woman - don't go in there!!! She does and it doesn't end well for her. Well, I'm not going in there, (I pray).
That being said doesn't mean I wouldn't like to have a drink at times. Or that I haven't longed for that whoozy, forget life's pain feeling. Sometimes AJ will ask what flavor of herbal tea I would like, and my response is ''the one with vodka in it''. He always says no. :( He's never known me to drink, or known what I'm like - I'm just friendly and laugh more on alcohol. Nothing serious, right? But it's the why that scares me. Why I would drink - to numb the world away. It was so easy the first time 12 years ago to decide to stop drinking.... I sense it was / is my one and only chance in this life to say no.
With OA I choose to give up chocolate. Easy peesy. (Right, ha) It was the one food I loved to eat, I could never get enough of. Besides there were so many other foods I could replace it with. (my ego was already telling me that as the words of 'I give up chocolate' was coming out of my mouth.) I did it for about 2-3 months, went back to eating chocolates, and then I basically did it, I didn't eat a chocolate for 6 years. Oh, I knew why I shouldn't eat certain foods, and that it would be better to stay away from them. But I was losing weight for the whole world to see, so I didn't need to refrain from any other trigger foods. I would say it's not about the food. I STILL believe it's not about the food. I am coming to understand it has nothing to do with the food. It's a physical reaction - it doesn't matter if the food is healthy - it's what it does inside my body. Does it want me to have more? Does it want me to have something else? Is it too much and is it causing cravings?
I've made chocolates over the last few years that are very clean and healthy - basically 4 ingredients, and I have one - nothing happens. But if I have a piece of store bought chocolate......I can't stop until I've eaten the whole bar, even if it's a store bought dark healthy chocolate bar. There's something in it compared to my homemade one. So, it's not about the food per se. It's not necessarily one food. It could be an amount, or a combination of foods together that get me eating. I use to be a mega binge eater before OA, but not now. Now I can graze little amounts - that signals to me I'm looking for something / avoiding something etc.
Ahhh but the weight. Yes. That's where yesterday's reading bothered me. Mentally I might be able to control some of the obsession, but physically my body can not handle certain foods anymore. Because of that reason - I need to be serious, knowing I can never eat those foods again. I want to add 'like I am now' to the end of that sentence, which changes the whole sentence into I might be able to eat them again one day. Seriously???????? WHERE is that inner part that knows a drink will be detrimental, but a store bought chocolate or cookie etc is not ok?
It's a fine line between reasons. What's healthy and acceptable, and what's healthy and not acceptable. I still really haven't found the deeper why I'm doing this. I know I'm ready. I know I want to do this. I know it's for me. I know it's for my health. Maybe that's enough of a reason. Just doesn't feel like enough of one. Then again - maybe Spirit wants me to do this and when I get there.... I will know/see a deeper reason!
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