What Was That Line?

Yeah, there is just one quick line about talking with Joan and her saying the bar is about sexual abuse.

I know, I think too - then WHY can't I remember it.  I didn't get into with her as I wanted to talk with her about some other stuff coming up.  I kinda just figure it's too much of a trauma for me that I just will not see it.  I do think there is a bit more behind the bar as in a vortex too.  Those two together make it something to leave in the past.  I do in a way wish to know exactly what happened, but I guess it's not meant to be - at least for now.

With regards to the unknowns in the Douglas house, she said that she couldn't get much and it appears that it's out of my orbit now.  No interest to bring it back, so let's leave it there.

I started realizing, after being calmer with the foods, that having to choose, all or nothing, sacrifice now and have it later - or not get it later, and as Joan said - it's like you get an achievement award and I'm so happy, then I'm walking down the street being happy and a dog comes growling at me and it scares me.  It's like the other shoe drops and it's like it's best not to be happy as something will happen.  She nailed that last one.  I've often felt that.

We ended up doing a healing on abundance.  I'm not exactly sure how that ends up being involved with sacrifice.  I do kinda see it, but ....  Either way, abundance and money $$$ is something I want to deal with, so it was all good.

I've still been working away at reading those library books.  Even though one I picked up earlier is one I read years ago.  It sounded so familiar.  That one is 'What She Left Behind'.  I'm reading 'The Toronto Book of the Dead' between it.  Like real stories, and that one is interesting.

Going back to Joan - she said that TOPS and Laser did align with me.  So I'm planning on that and starting in July.  Right now I'm dealing with the abundance, and then I will go back to weight.

I also got the feeling as I talked with Joan, that I should do a healing with someone else on the sacrifice / abundance. 

It's still very hot outside.  Just can't go out - going to run out and put on the sandpoint water - and run back into the air conditioned house.

Running Late

It's one of those days!  

I ended up with 5 library books.  I've gotten thru 1 only so far.  Into another one.  It's taking so much time.  I do enjoy reading, but so many are a bit pressuring.  Finally found how to 'freeze' them.  In the meantime....

Outside is very, very hot and humid.  I still want to clean up the grasses and put in the pot in the front.  Just have to wait until it's cooler.

We have AJ's family coming on July 15th.  Getting the deck cleaned next week.

We got the sandpoint working!!!  Hurray!!!  I can water the grass front and back as often as I want.  

I spoke with Joan tonight too.  Basically the basement bar did have to do with sexual abuse... and she picked up on an uncle.  That was true.

Otherwise we dealt with abundance issues.  So I'm going to work on that.

That was quick I know.  And that's about it for the moment.

Ta

Icy Burn

I've basically decided on the lasering - Cate plan.  AJ is on board.

What started this, and before finding Cate, I was thinking of TOPS or OA or AA.  AA of course is available in town.  I looked up OA and that's about 30 mins away, one meeting on Saturday afternoons so that was good.  AA all are evenings in town, but it's like 5 mins away.  And I thought about TOPS.  Town offers TOPS and Weight Watchers.  Not interested in WW as the cost is too high.  TOPS costs, but not as much overall.  They are on Tues or Wed evenings, but again 5 mins away.

The reason is because, as I said to AJ, I don't want to do this alone.  He said well you have me.....  Thanked him, but it's not the same.  I know I have his total support and I'm so glad about that, but it's not the same to talk/listen with others.  I found too, I did best when I was weighing in somewhere, that I reported to someone/talked with them.   First I did well with Dr Poon as I had Dr B to report and cheer me on.  Then with IP, I had Laura who was cheerful and friendly.  Granted there is IP in the next town here, but that chick is .... not very friendly, or supportive.  She is nice, but just not supportive or encouraging.  

So, that thought brought me to wondering about TOPS.... then OA and AA.  I just can't seem to get myself interested in going back to the OA/AA.

Not to say I don't fit there.  OA... well, yeah, I could do that.  But my focus is more on losing weight and keeping it off then admitting I'm powerless and hopeless with foods.  Even if I am powerless and hopeless with foods..........I just can't get myself to give that power to being powerless.  To believing it.

And AA?

I could go to that not even for foods.  Sometimes, as I told AJ, I think of drinking.  I think of how wonderful and how much I desire some Vodka.  I think and image that icy drink..... vodka with orange juice, or vodka with cranberry juice, or even white wine.  I image the first sip.  The feel in my mouth.  The swallow and into my belly that icy burn that comes.  And then again... another.  The feelings of just letting go.  Of just not thinking anymore on things.....

And I'm not that sure I could stop anymore.

I'm an addict.  I know this.

Even Joan was surprised that I had not gotten into drinking or drugs.  I told her I got into foods.

I know I have addictions.  I know they are there.  I know they don't leave me.  I know they are basically quiet at the moment.....at least for today.

And I know at this point, one drink, I would not be able to stop.  I am afraid.  I am aware of this and place the concern - I don't want to use the word fear, as I don't want to give it that power - in a place that is guarded. 

I'm grateful that I don't drink today.  

But there are moments.  I'm driving and all I want as I feel so down and empty is to drink.  Maybe just one drink?  I follow that thought down the path - I force it to go clearly down the path.  I force it to go thru the gate.  I force it to go to the end.  I see where I end up.  I force it to see that.  And I question the feeling.  I bring in the concern.  I bring in God - all Divine Light to help me.  I see what I would lose if I walked it.  I'm not prepared or ready or willing at this moment to give that all up for a drink that could or will kill me.  (it would kill me faster then my eating does.  What scares me is would my drinking kill someone / something else?  I can't do that!)  Sometimes I go and eat a chocolate or a carb and sigh.

Even writing, there's an itchy longing.  Breathe...... Breathe..... remember why not to..... hug Jax.  I'm going to go and read that book I got from the library.  Re-focus. Breathe.

So AA.....maybe it would be good to go to.  Funny thing is - I can do that powerless over alcohol.  I believe it.  At least I know there are meetings in town here.

I'd better go read.

Laser Thoughts

As I've written before I've been to OA and AA.  Although I went based on food issues, I found AA much more helpful then OA.  I've tried a few times to go back to both. Last time was a few years ago and to AA.

I have been feeling more calmer with foods so why the thoughts of OA/AA?  I was talking AJ about going to something.

************

I was going to delete the above, but decided to let it.  This is what I tried to write about as I mentioned on my last post.

Feeling better today.  Had taken an Advil that night and slept better.  A few wake ups as usual.

Onward.

What had made me think of those OA/AA and TOPS was the feeling that I'm in a good place and want to go back onto IPA but I really would like the support or someone to do it with.  I feel like after that insight of the wall me who is now off playing, that there is nothing really holding me back from dealing with my weight.

And being calm with the food, it feels like it's really a choice.  Either way is fine.  If I want to do this I can - I'll just have to give up foods and follow the plan but that's fine OR I can just choose to be as I am.  It really is what do I want to do.

I also came across Cate here who does Laser.  I had gone for my nails (birthday) and saw a flyer for Stop Smoking.  I wonder if it did weight loss too? Of course it does.  I called Cate and had a lovely talk with her.  I saw her, we talked, she also does Essential Oils.  

Her program is:  Laser for about 5-6 weeks (3 times 1st week, then 2 times a week after that)  then some shake powder, digestive pills, and oil pills to help cravings.  She also offers some of her Doterra Oils.  And after the 6 weeks of laser she will offer a treatment once a month for 6 months (since I'm not going to lost all the weight in 6 weeks) as long as I'm doing well and continue.  Then after 6 months any treatment is $30 per treatment.  I really liked her, enjoyed her company.  I feel she's very sincere.  

I told her I was going to wait until after my specialist appointment on July 3.  She wanted me to confirm with the doc that the laser is ok.  I will probably do it either way.  Choices.....

That being basically decided......  I did speak with AJ about it as the cost is a bit higher then I planned. $500.00  I said I wanted to take the money out of my TFSA even though I know he's not liking that.  I couldn't justify taking the money out of our budget as we really need that money.  I told him that I know my TFSA is for my old age, but I want to do this and be happier now.  There's not a lot in my account, but still it's the only place there's a bit of money.

I still need to totally decide, but I have semi-started.  Not going to comment too much on it until I truly get somewhere with it, but will mention it off and on.

That's one part of all this.  Yeah, part 2 is about OA/AA/TOPS...

Tried

Tried to start a post but I'm not feeling focused to write it.  I have really struggled today with fatigue and spaciness.  Slept most of the day.  Blood pressure is up a bit - took an extra 1/2 pill this afternoon and it has helped some to clear my head a bit.

But I'm still fatigued.  Muscles feel worn.  I would not drive today - just couldn't see doing that.  Currently watching Alone (taped).  We enjoy watching this - but sometimes it's stressful for me.  Have seen all the sessions.

Annnndddd....... I'm still not writing as I'm stopping to try to think.....not really working well.

So, I will work tomorrow at the post I'm wanting to post.

In the meantime:

night.........

A Gift?

So the night before my birthday I went to bed and as I was starting to sleep, it occurred to me..... I wonder if my weight has to do with belief.  Belief System.  Ok.... so is it that I am believing that I can't be slim?  Or is it that I am believing that I need/must be overweight?  Which one?  Which way?

I thought about it, as a child I know there were adults that would comment on how chubby I was.  So maybe that's it?  Believing them and therefore I'm overweight.  Then I thought, maybe  because I was told I wasn't as skinny as my sister - and that caused a belief that I can't be skinny.

As I thought on this, I could see me standing by the school wall.  I went to a small school close to the house for the first 3 grades.  Kindergarten was at another one far away, which afterwards I had to go when they closed the small school for the grades 4 to 8.

Back to the small school.  I was in grade 1? or grade 2, doubt it was grade 3, and I had been playing at recess with the others.  Until this point I had usually played with the other kids and not thinking about it.  I wasn't overly included, but I wasn't completely excluded, and didn't feel overly unwanted.  I didn't realize I think until this point - and it came to a kill standing by the wall.

I couldn't figure out how this image worked with the thought of belief weight.  I could see how it related to socializing, and in time how I had pulled back from making friends etc.  Eventually I fell asleep, when I woke during the night, the image came back and again I couldn't connect it, and slept.

I was up and brushing my teeth, looking at myself in the mirror, and wondered again as the image came back.  

Then I remembered, and understood how it connected.  I saw her. (me)

Fatty.

I had been playing and I think I couldn't run or jump or some sport thing that they were playing and they told me I couldn't play with them because I was fat etc. I went and stood by the wall watching them and I was feeling so dejected, unwanted, shocked at what they had told me - there aren't words to explain that pain I felt, how it affected me, how it killed me.

As I showered I thought and talked to that little girl by the wall.  I went and talked.  I came to understand that I had created a belief of being overweight because they had told me - and then throughout school I was teased on my weight.  Really I was just chubby, not that overweight, but it really imprinted onto me - that belief that I was fat, overweight - and things that went with it.  Stupid, lazy, slow, dumb, etc.

I saw how I also gave them my power.

As I talked with little wall me, I strived to explain and show her that she didn't need to believe them, give them her power, take that on.  It was a long time with her - I needed to show her my life now, what happened, explain that she could have the power back and keep it for things that would come up and she would still have to go thru.  She didn't believe me I think that she could change.

I kept coming up against truth - in that I couldn't lie to her.  I couldn't say that things would be better or perfect, because I know there was so much more that came over the years

Took her thru the whole morning with me, explaining how far away we live now from them, there, parents.  Amazing hubby and pets.  That I drive the car.  Took her to breakfast.

I also showed her that yes, even backwards now, to her taking back her power would help not only me from this point forward, but that it helped throughout my life because - her taking back her power kept me from dying all those times in my life that I wanted to give up.  I had the power then when I didn't know why I had the power to continue because from this point she took back her power.  Oh, does that sound confusing?  Follow it tho?

I told AJ this as we went to drop Jax off at daycare, and said if it changes me as to how I look at my weight, food, eating and those things change for the better.... then it truly is a gift.

I needed to talk with her for a few days after, explaining power and belief system, and how things would change from this point forward and how her changing did change bits in my life at points.  I sat at the wall for a long time holding her and talking.  And then I asked her if she wanted to go play with the others - but with knowing her own power and beliefs.  She went, they tried to shun her and call her names, and she stood and gave it back to them.  Asked them why and how she was different then they were with all their issues.  They couldn't answer.

When I go back and look, she's not at the wall.  She's off playing and jumping rope.  I wave and send her hugs.  She smiles and continues to play.

Since then, I have noticed I am happier.  I'm calmer.  I'm better with foods - not that they are totally in order, but that I feel different towards it, and I feel different towards myself.  I have noticed I have stopped when I felt an old belief and loss of power appear, and changed my thoughts towards it.  I also am listening to binaural beats on power/beliefs.  

I also found a new tattoo because of this..... made an appointment for end of July.

Next

Yeah so that other one was a kinda on the down side.  Then again, part of my traveling in my head.

Joan ended up emailing that she wanted to talk with me.  Which we connected.  She spoke of what I had written.  Said that there was something about fear, and a bit of a victim feeling.  Yup.

Then we talked about the Douglas house.  I started to explain the basement, the fears, the memories I do have, and the undesire to go back there.

As I talked of how I would 'see' animals that were scary, of the lion in the kitchen, the bear behind my mother, the alligator under the crib, and the cutting of my toe - that in the morning there was blood on the sheets but nothing that could cut me there.  I explained even my mother heard the loin in the kitchen and would not let me go to the washroom for almost an hour.  Those were a few things.

Then I explained how my father built me a bedroom in the basement and my mother knew she had to wait until I got into my room and I was safe (she would ask) before turning off the lights.  I was totally in for the night - no bathroom during the night.  We had a deaf, white cat that I would keep with me.  It would freak me out when I would be in my bed quietly reading and the cat sleeping.....then suddenly the cat would jump up and slowly go to the door, stare under it for the longest while, then eventually slowly come back to bed.  I would hear things walking outside of my door and just totally hide under the covers.  So glad we moved from that house.

She said it was totally understandable that I would not want to bring that forward, and she would look into it, but she also felt it was a negative portal.

About the broken krazy glue - she explained that wasn't the case.  I was original and whole.  Not to go into that thinking.  I get it.  Negative thinking.  She said to everyday think on 3 things that I wasn't disappointed in.  Like how much AJ loves me, how wonderful my pets are, how much I enjoy the backyard.

As far as talking about what we (AJ and I) are going to do if we can't afford this house - skip that thinking and just believe we live here completely, joyfully, and easily - that we can totally afford to easily live here and maintain the house.

Much a better thinking then the other post, right?

Then I had some thoughts when I went to bed (the night before my 55th birthday).......

Krazy Glue

I was thinking the other day about eating. I was thinking that could the point of eating be not a past life or childhood or trauma or anything along those lines but a fear of living. I thought that maybe just being slim had to do with the fear living life. And every time I got down on my weight in 180 lbs, I didn't feel any better then being overweight hence I would end up eating and gaining weight again. It's really more of living life more so then the weight. There are times when I look at what I'm just about to eat and think well there's nothing else for me to do so I might as well eat this. Then of course I do.

I thought later about fear and wondered if that was just an excuse. I know on what I wrote to Joan that I really don't want to experience what was in the basement of the Douglas house.
I said to AJ that of all the things that happened in that house I don't want to call it forward I don't want it to be present with me now. I remember the basement was terrifying. I remember even more terrifying was the bar area and behind the bar. I can get myself there in the dark but then I stop. I'm too afraid to see was there and more what happened.
It could have been the sexual abuse but I think I would be able to see that and not be so afraid of it. That makes me wonder what was really there. I wonder if it was a portal to the darkness and in that out came negative energy and things. If that is the case I really don't to recall it.  I would rather Joan tell me what was happening. It feels safer that way.

After that I thought on disappointment. I realized how disappointed I was in most of my life. A lot of my life feels like disappointment and failure. There is no sense of deep joy and happiness. At times it feels like I just can not wait until I am dead. It's not like I want to be dead but just that I want to get to the end. I tend to be and end destination person.

When I went to bed the other night I was thinking on disappointment. Suddenly I heard a quiet voice say inside my head I'm broken. I am so broken that I need so much krazy glue to put me together. Once something is broken it is never the same as it was when it was original. So now I continue to krazy glue the broken pieces of myself together trying to make myself back to my original sense. And that doesn't work. I will never be my original self. I will always be broken glued together person.

Just like everyone else. 

t seems my broken pieces tend to exasperate the sadness and disappointment and failures.

What a down post.  Next!

To Me

Guess what today is!  My birthday.

Very busy day today.

First Jax gets to go to daycare, then AJ and I are off for my free birthday breakfast.  Then after that - I'm going to have my nails done - pedi and mani.  Mani with shellac.  I have two thumb nails that are getting so ready to break for the last 2 weeks.  I'm so surprised I've been able to semi-save them and not have them break.  I've been filing them as needed, the breaks are far down the nails, into the body.

Not too much in the afternoon other then pick up Jax, but we will be going to a special dinner.  Basically the chef decides what he's going to make that day.  It's a full 5 or 7 course meal.  Takes 2 hours.  Going to bring a bar along in case he's serving some weird food I don't like.

I spoke with Joan the other day.  It's a little bit of a long in a way, I don't really have too much time to write about it right now.

Will be posting a few in the next couple of days - just have to get them organized and written.  

Til then.....

Ta! 

Busy and Wiped

Yesterday for some reason I decided to try and finish the back yard.  Yeah.... got it done, almost.  

I put down the rest of the black liner at the stones and at the steps. Cleaned out the fire pit, put down the stones there, hung up plant hooks, put on lock on back gate (there is one there already, but I felt it needed another one).  Painted the herb boxes - actually just slapped paint on them so that they blend in with the mulch.  Put rocks in the flower pots, then the soil - still have to get some flowers and also put silicone in a few spots on the patio roof that water drips thru.  Took and shower and cleaned the bathroom.  

AJ made dinner.  I just was finished after all that.  Oh - I also cut the grass and watered the plants this morning.

Only things left in the back to do is: hang up lights and wash the patio, deck and chairs.  That's another days work.

We have an orchid that I got a few years ago.  Three to be exact.  Bloomed when we bought it, then the next year again, and tada this year too.  Only this year it seems to really explode.  16 blooms and 5 more coming.

It must like that window.  I have another one, not shown, that is starting to grow a stock and a few blooms.  It's a much smaller one that gets about 5 blooms.

I wrote Joan my questions.

Hi;

Too hot out to continue now.  So.....

I've been doing my homework.  Mostly get answers that I kinda already know.  Nothing surprising has come up.

Dreams are ... unable to grasp them.  Only one - a bit about the tattoo and saying something about the Worth Believing.  But other then that, not coming thru.

The thoughts that do are:

1.  Want to know more about the truth about the fear that I have given so much power to.  (in a gentle, quick, complete, understandable, easy way!)

2.  Feel I'm nothing/don't matter.  Re dream of sister coming in and me having to give up the leftover foods.  Wonder if I had to give up who I am/was/what I had because she came....that there wasn't enough for both of us.  I sacrificed me because of it.

3.  Feel I need to at the end of my life 'give up me' to save someone else - so that at least my life mattered to someone/ I did something worthwhile for someone else, and they lived.  (Kinda follows along the line of #2)

4.  Wonder where the fear comes from?  Past Life?  This Life?  Childhood?  Other worlds/ spirit or energy world?  

(Uh, yeah, we never have talked of all the 'things' I saw when I was very little and in the Douglas house.  They/It stopped around age 7-8 yrs.  We moved out of there around 10 yrs old.)

5.  Still questioning what value I have.

Those are it.  Please let me know if you want to reply / do an appointment on this.

Thanks so much.

Blessings,

Her Reply:

Thanks for sending your questions and your thoughts.  There is alot in this.  Let me meditate on this for a bit and yes we do need to talk about the Aliens.  There is alot of stuff coming up from everything you have been through.  Coming up with your self love that you are lacking right now.  We will work on that too.  I would imagine there was alot of fear around the Douglas house while you lived there.  Leave me with this for a bit and I will get back to you.  Let me know if anything else comes up. I feel were working with many things here, we will have to tackle one at a time.  Would be way to much for you, to work on all of this at once.  The time  tells me you have much wisdom to share and you may have a bit of fear around what you know.

Take extra good care of yourself, show yourself how much you value you.  Try to do something special just for you.  Will talk soon.

Onward......

Homework Again

I can't figure out if it's my homework that's getting me wiped and sleeping all day or if I'm seriously wiped out.  I've been sleeping most of the day Saturday.  I did get out a do a few wheel barrows of stones, (just 3) and tided up the patio a bit.  Between those I slept.

I did a bit of my homework too.  It's not really that new tho.

Back to the talk with Joan.

It was good, but really we basically just talked a bit on what she came up with.  A lot of it had to do with her sensing there's fear, lack of worth, not being enough, and protection.  It's deep.  I don't know if those all belong together or what.  I can see I have fear issues still - I just can't seem to get to the core of the fear/fears.  I don't know why.  It must be something that really still triggers me on it from that moment instead of seeing the fears from my now adult self knowing there's nothing to truly fear.  

Or is the fear something from outside the 'normal' realm..... and in the Spiritual / Energy realm?  That freaks me out!  

But I will continue to work at getting to the core of fear.

We talked about the pig which usually is about abundance etc - and I feel the opposite of that.

We talked about baby.  Yes, I had been pregnant and I still do think of my boy off and on thru life.

We talked about just general things on how I've been feeling.  Other then wiped / fatigued, I'm content emotionally.

My homework is to write down all my 'not enough' things, the belief system created, affirmation of I am lovable, valuable and perfect just as I am and also write about where I gave my power away.

The Not Enough list is easy to do.  The Belief System I can sorta get to, and the Power Away is so-so.  The Affirmation is interesting as I can repeat it until I'm blue in the face - it's the issue of believing it.

This is where my last minute wording add to my tattoo.  It's that I'm worth believing.  That I have worth.  That I can be believed.  And also it's worth believing in God/Divine Spirit with all one's heart.

I also thought and saw another tattoo last night when I woke and thought on things.  Just have to think on it some more.  Not going to rush out and do it at the moment either.

I've gotten some of the listing written down already.  I keep going back to what is the fear.  And I also wonder why I have value or worth.

Wish I could look at the end of the book for the answers.  Ha ha ha 

More Gardening

Ah the summer weather.  Means more time outside.  I've been spending so much more time outside, trying to get the yard in order.  I finished cleaning up the weeds and removing some of the plants.  Cut a few more branches, and tada!  

The other day the garden guy came and laid the gravel stones on the side of the house and mulched the all the gardens.  It looks so much better, I'm pleased.

James came this week and did the steps in the back.  That's finished too now.  Made them wider so AJ can get down into the yard and patio.  

That evening when the guys put the stones down, I was looking and decided it would look better with the stones going all the way to the end of the steps instead of a little weird inlet of grass.  So I called the stone yard, ordered 2 more yards that they delivered the next day.

I ordered 2 because I also decided to put stones around the shed.  I lunged wheel barrows of stones around the back and put them around the shed/fence area, and I had put down cardboard and black on the grass and then put stones on that.  I have probably around 8 wheel barrows of stones left.  Still on the driveway as I'm too wiped today to lunge them, but will put them in the back by the shed.

Going to clean the fireplace area and put some stones there too.... especially since I have some much left!

It really ached my chest doing this, tried to do some today, but just couldn't.

Went and voted this week too.  Enough on that.

Sunday we are going to see my mom.

I went today and got my tattoos finished.  My cat got: orange.

puppy got:  purple

And I got my new one.  At the last minute (as in this morning) I decided on adding wording:

There is meaning, of course, behind it all.  The splash of colour is all about how energy moves, the heart is love, and the stars are Divine Spirit/God, Jesus, Holy Spirit idea.  And the wording... well that comes from the meeting I had with Joan last night.  Will get into that more later.  I had it done on over my left breast up high.  Mike said it would look like it follows the body bones, better then just on the breast and floating in the body.  It's low enough that I can see it.

Came home from that and was so totally wiped that I needed a nap.  I'm still naused tired.  Reason why this post is just a ramble.  I just can't get into writing what happened with my talk with Joan etc.  Sorry about that....but I will get to it at some point the next few days.  I will see where I get to this coming weekend.  Til later, 

Ta

Random Adds

This post is basically just a few things added together to make no sense.  They are just things that I came across, wanted to write on, but not enough to really make a post on.  They were just small things that I wanted to share.




I went back and did a few more tests from LonerWolf.  These are the results.

Honesty

Result Image

Also known as: Authenticity, sincerity

Spiritual Archetype: The Priest/Priestess

Your primary spiritual gift is Honesty. You are a person who values truth and integrity above all else. At heart, you are a fair, trustworthy, and conscientious person. You are skilled at identifying any form of deceit, inauthenticity or falsehood in everyday life. This makes your spiritual gift extremely valuable, but also feared. Use the gift of Honesty to guide your life decisions, and you will always make the wisest choices.

Congratulations!

Wait... just one more little one...

You're an Old Soul

You got 50 points or above, you are an Old Soul.

As an Old Soul, you find that your outlook on life is vastly different and more matured than those around you. As a result, you tend to live your life internally, walking your own solitary path, while everyone else walks another. Therefore, you often feel alien among other people, and can experience profound feelings of loneliness. You may find that you:

⦁ Tend to be a loner.

⦁ Love knowledge, wisdom and truth.

⦁ Are spiritually inclined.

⦁ Understand the transience of life.

⦁ Tend to be thoughtful and introspective.

⦁ See the "bigger picture".

⦁ Avoid materialism.

⦁ Tend to feel "old", e.g. world wary, mentally tired or detached.


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One day I was watering the front garden and saw one of the rocks that we had gotten from that pile we ordered to fill in on the side of the driveway.  (follow?)  As I looked at the rocks, I saw this one:

It had more dust on it, kinda boring, plain looking, right.

But when the water hit it:

How amazing!  There is a lot of purple in it.  And that band, neat.  I have no idea what type of rock/stone it is.  I wish I knew.  I wonder if it's a dumortierite type.  Was the closest I could find looking on the net.  But then again, could be something different.

Going to have to water more of the rocks and see what else I can find.


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Done Adulting

Sunday by 1pm I was done adulting.  I went and changed into my semi-pj's.  It's a dressy pj dress (?)  heck, I don't know what it's called, but I bought it at Walmart one day and it sorta looks like a very long top dress.  I use it as a pj able to go outside on the street dress.

That morning I had fed the pets, walked the dog, (met Monica on the walk and walked with her around the block), put out the sprinkler, made breakfast/ate, moved sprinkler, then watered rest of the gardens, tidied up/did dishes, cleaned the cat litter, we then went to the bank, library (just to drop off books), Giant Tiger (found cushions for the couch to help raise us up a bit, helps with getting up off the couch), then to Walmart - groceries and soil, came home, put stuff away, made/ate lunch, got the laundry together into the wash..... I was done.  

Yet, I still ended up putting the laundry in the dryer, taking out the soil and moving it to the back, making a simple dinner.  Guess one just can't be done adulting, or at least I can't!

Cats are good at being done adulting.  Dogs... well there just goofy and delightful.  Jax is.  He makes me laugh.  This is him when we get home from our morning walks (and any other too), but in the morning he's eager to get to lick the cat bowls... sometimes they (Moonbeam will) leave him a lick.

I love how his little butt and back legs wiggle when he runs!  


Finally rained Sunday afternoon.  Then it got humid again.  Ugh. 

I was talking with AJ Saturday night, saying that something occurred to me that I was going to talk with Joan on Thursday about.

On AJ's birthday we had gone to the museum on the Secret Societies and I was thinking of seeing about joining one, if I could.  Thought of either Rebkeh House or Eastern Star.  Then as I thought, I could feel this sense of no way, don't, can't join, can't be pulled in, can't completely follow the beliefs.

It wasn't that their beliefs are out of alignment with mine, they are basically similar, but that I just couldn't see me being willing to completely follow.  And that made me think, all the way back to childhood - to girl guides, to church, to AA/OA etc.  As I talked with AJ, I realized how much I just couldn't follow blindly in a group.  It was like I was afraid of being brain washed as if a cult.  Unable to let go of that control of decision.

The thing is, most of the groups I do believe what they stand for.  So it's weird that I can't connect, unwilling to connect, and I guess why I feel I don't belong, or leave after a few meetings.  I'm unwilling to jump in and go with it.

Makes me think of Liz and how she completely went into AA.  I had known her for years, and as she got involved with AA...suddenly everything was AA.  Everything in her life revolved around how she use to drink.  For the years she came to see me, every week, she or we never drank.  Where was this drinking for her then?  Of all the stories she wrote, talked etc - not one every even semi related to a time with me.  Of all the amends she made - she never made one to me, even to say a blank apology.  It's like our time never existed and she was/is (is) completely and totally appearing to me, brain washed in AA.  Now, that's my take totally.  For all I know, she could have been a raging alcoholic before I met her, tho in our talks over all those weekly years, she never talked about them.  And we talked of everything.

Going back to cult washing, when I read her stories - we didn't talk anymore, but still f/b friends, they just appeared so totally different then the person I knew.  It was like she had to follow that belief or else she didn't belong.  Now I have no idea where / what she thinks as there are no posts on f/b from her anymore - or she blocked me.

It's like when I went to RH and totally wanted to belong and believe as therefore I could probably loss weight and never touch no-no foods again - that I would be so convinced that I couldn't have them.  I just couldn't get to the complete give up control/belief.

Maybe that's the same with God.  I just can't seem to totally give up control to God, even tho I want to....no, wait, that I would like to.

There's something about being in a group that I hold back.  I am fearful of trusting, believing, letting go.  And it doesn't matter what kind of group it is.  Actually, I don't think it even matters if it's a group.  Maybe it is just fearful of trusting, believing and letting go of control.  Huh.  Either way, something to talk with Joan about.