Icy Burn

I've basically decided on the lasering - Cate plan.  AJ is on board.

What started this, and before finding Cate, I was thinking of TOPS or OA or AA.  AA of course is available in town.  I looked up OA and that's about 30 mins away, one meeting on Saturday afternoons so that was good.  AA all are evenings in town, but it's like 5 mins away.  And I thought about TOPS.  Town offers TOPS and Weight Watchers.  Not interested in WW as the cost is too high.  TOPS costs, but not as much overall.  They are on Tues or Wed evenings, but again 5 mins away.

The reason is because, as I said to AJ, I don't want to do this alone.  He said well you have me.....  Thanked him, but it's not the same.  I know I have his total support and I'm so glad about that, but it's not the same to talk/listen with others.  I found too, I did best when I was weighing in somewhere, that I reported to someone/talked with them.   First I did well with Dr Poon as I had Dr B to report and cheer me on.  Then with IP, I had Laura who was cheerful and friendly.  Granted there is IP in the next town here, but that chick is .... not very friendly, or supportive.  She is nice, but just not supportive or encouraging.  

So, that thought brought me to wondering about TOPS.... then OA and AA.  I just can't seem to get myself interested in going back to the OA/AA.

Not to say I don't fit there.  OA... well, yeah, I could do that.  But my focus is more on losing weight and keeping it off then admitting I'm powerless and hopeless with foods.  Even if I am powerless and hopeless with foods..........I just can't get myself to give that power to being powerless.  To believing it.

And AA?

I could go to that not even for foods.  Sometimes, as I told AJ, I think of drinking.  I think of how wonderful and how much I desire some Vodka.  I think and image that icy drink..... vodka with orange juice, or vodka with cranberry juice, or even white wine.  I image the first sip.  The feel in my mouth.  The swallow and into my belly that icy burn that comes.  And then again... another.  The feelings of just letting go.  Of just not thinking anymore on things.....

And I'm not that sure I could stop anymore.

I'm an addict.  I know this.

Even Joan was surprised that I had not gotten into drinking or drugs.  I told her I got into foods.

I know I have addictions.  I know they are there.  I know they don't leave me.  I know they are basically quiet at the moment.....at least for today.

And I know at this point, one drink, I would not be able to stop.  I am afraid.  I am aware of this and place the concern - I don't want to use the word fear, as I don't want to give it that power - in a place that is guarded. 

I'm grateful that I don't drink today.  

But there are moments.  I'm driving and all I want as I feel so down and empty is to drink.  Maybe just one drink?  I follow that thought down the path - I force it to go clearly down the path.  I force it to go thru the gate.  I force it to go to the end.  I see where I end up.  I force it to see that.  And I question the feeling.  I bring in the concern.  I bring in God - all Divine Light to help me.  I see what I would lose if I walked it.  I'm not prepared or ready or willing at this moment to give that all up for a drink that could or will kill me.  (it would kill me faster then my eating does.  What scares me is would my drinking kill someone / something else?  I can't do that!)  Sometimes I go and eat a chocolate or a carb and sigh.

Even writing, there's an itchy longing.  Breathe...... Breathe..... remember why not to..... hug Jax.  I'm going to go and read that book I got from the library.  Re-focus. Breathe.

So AA.....maybe it would be good to go to.  Funny thing is - I can do that powerless over alcohol.  I believe it.  At least I know there are meetings in town here.

I'd better go read.