Krazy Glue

I was thinking the other day about eating. I was thinking that could the point of eating be not a past life or childhood or trauma or anything along those lines but a fear of living. I thought that maybe just being slim had to do with the fear living life. And every time I got down on my weight in 180 lbs, I didn't feel any better then being overweight hence I would end up eating and gaining weight again. It's really more of living life more so then the weight. There are times when I look at what I'm just about to eat and think well there's nothing else for me to do so I might as well eat this. Then of course I do.

I thought later about fear and wondered if that was just an excuse. I know on what I wrote to Joan that I really don't want to experience what was in the basement of the Douglas house.
I said to AJ that of all the things that happened in that house I don't want to call it forward I don't want it to be present with me now. I remember the basement was terrifying. I remember even more terrifying was the bar area and behind the bar. I can get myself there in the dark but then I stop. I'm too afraid to see was there and more what happened.
It could have been the sexual abuse but I think I would be able to see that and not be so afraid of it. That makes me wonder what was really there. I wonder if it was a portal to the darkness and in that out came negative energy and things. If that is the case I really don't to recall it.  I would rather Joan tell me what was happening. It feels safer that way.

After that I thought on disappointment. I realized how disappointed I was in most of my life. A lot of my life feels like disappointment and failure. There is no sense of deep joy and happiness. At times it feels like I just can not wait until I am dead. It's not like I want to be dead but just that I want to get to the end. I tend to be and end destination person.

When I went to bed the other night I was thinking on disappointment. Suddenly I heard a quiet voice say inside my head I'm broken. I am so broken that I need so much krazy glue to put me together. Once something is broken it is never the same as it was when it was original. So now I continue to krazy glue the broken pieces of myself together trying to make myself back to my original sense. And that doesn't work. I will never be my original self. I will always be broken glued together person.

Just like everyone else. 

t seems my broken pieces tend to exasperate the sadness and disappointment and failures.

What a down post.  Next!