Run

Hope Christmas was delightful.  We had a snowy, quiet one.  I was so glad we were home.  I did talk with my mom on the 24th.  She was fine, and going to my sister's.  As weird as it was - and the first time I haven't spent Christmas with my family - I really did enjoy just being with AJ and the pets.  

Christmas Day we opened gifts.  All lovely and perfect...almost, I got AJ the wrong size of pants. Jax got the agility course.  I opened it, and he quickly ran thru the tunnel.  By 2pm I had the tree etc down, and boxed up.  Also 4 loads of laundry got done too.  Was a good day.

I'm still coughing badly, and my throat continues to be sore.  Night is worse, much trouble sleeping.  Worse part.....all that coughing has created a secondary issue, sigh.  Bladder is tired.  Enough on that.

I did get to photos.  At our feeder comes a few cardinals, blue jays, and lots of sparrows, plus some of those starlings.  And occasionally, a hawk!  Hawk jumped to the neighbours tree for that photo.  Was better then the one I have of him/her in our tree.

And I got the path.  With Jax running on it.

I'm not sure if the video posted.  I can't get it to play, so I will post it and see.  Otherwise I will just leave it with the photo:

New Year's Eve will be quiet again too.  Not going to AJ's family either.  There's snow coming then too. 

Boxing Day

On the great day of Boxing I went out.  Went grocery shopping at the Superstore at 10am.  Thankfully it wasn't busy.  By the time I was leaving at 11am it was getting busier.  I love living in smaller towns.....

I am feeling very happy today.  Unless it is early morning, which then I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  Not that I know, Thank God, what being hit by a truck feels like.  So maybe more like....still being ill and pukey.  During the night my cough gets bad, and my chest hurts, so by morning I'm aching.  I get up, Jax goes out, and we all go back to bed.  Takes me about 2-3 hours to get feeling better and alive.  Breakfast helps.

I am able to go out without the icy pain.  Jax is thrilled, he gets walks around the block more often now.  I even got out there and shoveled this morning.  I'm so glad.  The cough continues to wipe me, and this morning as I laid in bed I heard the crackling in my lungs.  Used the puffer when I got up.  Today was metho shot day too.

Tomorrow we want to go to Global Pet store for more cat litter.  And you thought this blog was going to get exciting!!!

I have an appointment with Anne-Marie on Thursday.  Looking forward to that.

Otherwise, I'm very happy today as I said.  Very cold out, but I'm able to get out.  I've made pathways in the yard for Jax in the snow.  I should take a photo of that tomorrow, it's night now.  It's funny to watch him run the lines.

I have been keeping my goal to meditate and going deeper into myself in my awareness, but after the mantra ray nothing has been coming that I am aware of.  Unless it's the very happy today.

Time Out

Taking a little time out for Christmas.  Wishing all a joyous day and coming year.

For the first time, we didn't spend time with family.  We - AJ and I (and pets) just spent both Eve and Day at home alone together.  Was strange.  We ordered Swiss Chalet for Eve which we didn't get exactly what we ordered, was eh.  But we were together and that made it lovely.  So glad with all the snow that is coming down that we didn't drive anywhere.

May all be blessed and content.

Hugs.

More Mantra Rays

From this site  Don't know if it shows up as it's clear on this writing screen for me.  What I found funny was it had also the sand,

Manta Ray

© 1997 Ann Williams-Fitzgerald


Ebb & Flow

The Wisdom

The Wisdom of Manta Ray is Ebb and Flow. Manta Ray (also known as Devilfish) has a broad flattened pectoral fin that gives them an almost diamond shape. Manta Rays bury themselves in the sand in shallow waters but if you disturb them, Manta Ray can inflict a serve wound on the disturber. 

Shadow Side

Be careful you are not ‘whipping’ yourself over the past. There is no longer a need to aggressively search for what you seek. Take your head out of the sand. 

The Crystal – Moonstone

Moonstone allows one to absorb that which is needed. Moonstone will help you see the ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in life. It will bring flashes of insight and enhance your intuition and balance your Yin and Yang energies. 

The Rune

Manta Ray vibrates to the Rune symbol of Laguz (Flow). This rune represents a time for cleansing. It is the rune of deep knowing – success lies in your intuitive ‘knowing’. 

The Message

If Manta Ray has glided into your life today, ‘Spirit’ is reminding you to go with the flow of life – you can afford to glide along. There is no longer a need to thrash about but instead sit still and wait, that very thing you need will gently float on up to you. But remember what you ‘want’ and what you ‘need’ are two very different things. 

The Affirmation

What I need in life, comes to me

oophs

Published those posts instead of saving.  And they are published out of order..... please read

WONDERING FIRST

then

ADVIL GONE

will make more sense (I'm guessing  🙀)

Wondering

So I feel I need to suffer.

Here comes another reminder that this is how I feel.  I know what I will write is upsetting to some - and in no way do I mean to imply what happens to others isn't suffering to them, or what they wanted, or anything about anything on it.  It's just all about me, remember.  Nor do I wish of think others think or feel as I do etc....etc..... etc.....They would also be ones that I would long to heal/help.

I think of my coming up blood test in January.  There is a part of me that wants it to come out as a semi-death sentence.  How horrible is that, I know.  I'm sure some would wish it then.  There is a part of me that would like it to be into something as then it would be something that I deserve.  Suffer with another body disease.  Make it so I will suffer as I deserve.  Which saying all this, my blood work will come back fine I'm sure.  Nothing will be wrong with me, so I will find another way to create something for me to suffer.

The eating/food is part of that suffering I think.  What is a better way for me to continue to be 'healthy' and alive and yet damage and hurt and make myself suffer without it killing me?  Rolls around and back to loving myself and loving my body.  If one did that then one (meaning me in both cases) would not do that to one's self.  Back to the heart chakra pain being a big, hard, heavy ball of pain.  How can I love myself if I want to make myself suffer so much that I wish illness on myself.  What would that solve.

Worse part is there is a part of me that knows I don't deserve to suffer.... I think.  Logically.  Emotionally not.  Comes to - how do I love myself?  I know logically, I've read all the how to's on loving self, why to love self, why to love my body.  But emotionally.......

Suffering and pain are not the same to me. I don't like to suffer physically.  I'm not one that wants pain in my body.  It is very frustrating when I can't get my body to do things.  Like walk the dog, do the snow shoveling, work in the garden, clean the house.  I push myself to do those things, and AJ tells me not to because I need to rest due to health issues.  So the suffering has to do emotionally more then anything.  Maybe spiritually too.

I keep thinking of the bible and how it talks of suffering.  That Jesus suffered.  Not that I'm anywhere near being that kind of person!  But I bet Jesus suffered and then let it go.  That's the trick.  Let it go.

When I let it go, it turns into appearing uncaring, uninterested, hard hearted.  It's too overwhelming if I go beyond myself's suffering.  I look at the world and what happens in it and I get lost in all that suffering pain that's expressed.  From abuse to others, to children, homelessness, animal abuse, ripping of trees, when I eat turkey... I can't think of those things.  I heard they found out that plants feel pain when they are eaten too.  It makes me want to not exist.  To disappear.... to be dead.  The suffering that is in the world is immense.  

So do something about it.  A drop in the bucket is still a drop I tell myself.  And I get taken advantage of, lied to, clawed for more.  I can't breathe.  It's not enough.  I step back and delete myself from all but that little drop.

When I look at it logically, intellectually, it pulls me away.  I don't feel the suffering or anything like what I wrote.  I'm able to step out of it by ? not feeling? Makes living more manageable for me until it hits again.  That being said I do laugh, smile and enjoy things/ people.  Until the realization comes around that it's not enough love or caring or healing expressed from me.

Jesus suffered.  One suffers for their 'art'.  Suffering shows us ourselves.  But in all of that there is an out or insight or a letting go.  Brings about some success.  I don't see that in me.  That's my failure.  I suffer yet nothing from it.  It doesn't spur me to greater heights.  To achieving goals.  To end the cycle.  Somewhere along the line I looped instead.  I'm thinking that goes way, way back to the start of me where little me was unable to do anything then about the suffering.  The repeated pattern is so ingrained that I don't know how to change it or me.  I don't know what it looks like.

What does unsuffering look like?  Feel like?  Where is the ability to know how to help heal without being taken advantage of? Or get swallowed in it?  How does one move from a place they have always been into a place that is amoeba like? 

Writing that makes me wonder if I'm afraid to step off the cliff.  I don't think I am.  Yes, I'd like to know where I'm stepping, but if it requires me to just step..... I'm willing, as best I can be.  I want to be.  Which makes me wonder why am I sitting here................ 

  

Advil Gone

The affects of Advil are out of my system, so my suffering depths have gone back into hiding until next time.  I'm more calmer and thinking not much.

I did dream this morning I was on the ocean floor, but it was also in an aquarium.  The water was calm and clear.  The bottom was white sand and calm.  Above me swam a manta ray and a few other fish.  I had on a breathing tank, and also a screen camera with snakes showing, they were swimming around in clear water.  The idea was to show the 'snake screen' up so that when the fish/ray looked down they would see the snakes and then would swim away. 

I think this thought comes from a TV show we watched where things on the bottom have learnt to change into other things - like the octopus that changes into a snake - so that they will not be eaten.

I kept looking up at the rays/fish.  I felt like this was my second time down here doing this.  Then I suddenly got concerned about my breathing, how much air I had, and would I be able to get to the surface before the air ran out.  I started to swim up, could see the water swirling.  I also wondered why the ray wasn't all that afraid of the screen snakes as it wasn't swimming away.  My breathing got a bit difficult, and I reminded myself that I still had air.  It seemed a very long way to the surface, and I also wondered if I was getting anywhere as it still seemed a long way off.  Other then the immediate/above water being a bit swirlly, everything else was clear, calm, white, light.  There was a part of me that wasn't all that worried as I knew I was going to be able to breathe, or get to the top in time.  I woke before I got to the top, and I was having some trouble breathing, and the top was a long way off in the dream.

I'm sure there is something to this dream as it keeps pulling me back and remembering it.  The calmness and clarity of everything, the water, the top/surface and being on the bottom ocean floor, the changing screen snakes, the breathing issues, getting to the surface/top, the ray/fish (have to look up the meaning of rays... hang on)  

from a Hawaiian site a bit -  
 “The name of the manta—hahalua—can be interpreted as ‘two breaths,’” she says, “ha, meaning breath, and lua, meaning two … When mantas leap [out of the water], their experience from below transcends into our sphere … Their transcendence speaks to things that we don’t yet know.”

The experience of seeing a manta ray, she says, has the ability to take anyone out of their own thoughts, about their daily routine about problems at work, and allows them to huli i ke au hou, to begin anew in a new space and time. 

and from HERE : (Totem Animals)

Key Messages: Gracefulness, quietness and gentleness in dealing with complex situations and difficult emotions.

Affirmation: I find peace within myself

 Manta Ray Animal Totem Symbolism

The Manta Ray is a type of Eagle Ray that lives in the tropical and sub-tropical waters of the world’s oceans. It’s wide body is flanked with long wing-like fins that allow it to move gracefully through the water. It’s thin frame can span up to 7 meters in width ( 22 feet) and it uses this wide body to survey it’s environment. These large graceful creatures can reach up to 1350kg (2976 pounds and slice through the water effortlessly and adapting to deep or shallow waters.

The constant change and flow of the ocean coupled with the Manta’s ability to navigate different depths of the water teach us how to stay true to ourselves while maintaining our composure. In shamanism water represents emotion and the Manta’s capacity to navigate it in different depths teaches us how to dig within ourselves and observe our emotions with a calm gracefulness that honour our self and the world around us.

Manta Ray’s use their large body’s to circle plankton and direct it to swim into their open, forward facing, mouths. Manta teaches us to use our energy and our presence to direct the course of our lives and draw what we want. As such Manta is an excellent totem to work with when you are learning to manifest. It’s deep calm and capacity to draw what it wants is an energy that works exceptionally well when you are choosing to recreate your life. As a result people with Manta Ray totems can be very magnetic and tend to draw people to them as oppose to reaching out to others.

Manta Ray’s mate during the full moon and produce very few offspring. The gestation period for a manta ray is 12 – 13 months and it is very rare that they conceive in consecutive years. This time period is significant because if a Manta Ray has shown up as a totem for you it may well mean that a project you are about to begin will take 12-13 months to come to fruition. You would also do better to be very selective of what projects you choose to take on because each will demand a lot of time and focus and success can be compromised by diffusing the power of your efforts by taking on too much at one time.

Manta Ray’s are susceptible to external parasites so they often visit cleaning stations where other fish clear them of debris. This teaches us the power of allowing others to support and assist us. Carefully watch the energy of those around you and make conscious decisions about who you chose to spend your time with. Additionally, you may be particularly sensitive to the energy of others and as a result you may find it difficult to distinguish between your feelings and theirs. It is important that you do energy clearing work and actively work to build strong personal boundaries.

And lastly from Dreamstop.com -

Manta Ray Dream Symbol -Dreaming of manta ray symbolizes your ability to navigate the emotional highs and lows without stressing out too much. When manta ray swims into your dreams it is a sign that secrets hidden deep within your soul are rising to the surface.  You have a deep connection to your subconscious so know you need to deal with this head on before it becomes an issue. It is a time to take a closer look at yourself. What do you really want out of life? Are you currently on the right path? What do you need to do to achieve success?

Well.... that sounds all like what I have been dealing with the last few days.  And I haven't even looked up screen snakes!  ha ha ha.  Seems I'm right on track about having to go deep within myself, and to deal with suffering etc.  Need to find my way to the top, thru my emotions (water).  At least they are clear? somewhat.  

Being Here

Continuing on.


Feeling crappy continues.  As in my cold, coughing and chest pain.  Though in the last few days my chest pain has gone from icy sharp pain to hard, heavy ball of pain.  Coughing is difficult at night.  So I'm not sleeping well.  Taking an Advil makes me even more emotional and tired.

Took an Advil nighWednesday night, so Thursday morning I was on edge of tears.  I decided to call Anne-Marie.  I have thought of her last few days.  Kinda thought of calling Jacqui, but I feel she is done with me.  Thought that a few appointments with her that I had before I left the old place.  Not that I think she would turn me away.  I do know Jacqui would be open and helpful as always.  She has that healing ability I longed for.  I have been told over the years that I had / have physic abilities/ that I sensed things.  I know this to be true.  

I called Anne-Marie and instead of getting voice mail, she actually answered the phone.  I booked an appointment for Dec 28th, after we had talked for a while.  

She asked how I was doing, I explained that I was still ill, but ok.  I had mediated on my heart chakra.  As we continued I said no I hadn't stopped the sugar and it probably was affecting my health.  She suggested maybe hypnosis might help as to why.  I said I kinda knew why. I said I kinda wished I was dead.

I thought about that statement afterwards.  It's not a new thought, but one that I carried further in thought as to why.  Usually when I get to that thought of wishing I was dead I would tell myself to stop it.  It's not that I want to kill myself.  Killing myself and being dead are different.  Killing to me, is actually intently removing life from self.  Wishing I was dead is, to me, well, just being dead without killing myself.  That probably sounds confusing.  Can't really explain it any better.

Later, when I thought on it, I realized I don't want to be dead.  Huh.  Continuing on that thread I noticed there is inside me a strong life force that wants to live.  Hence the reason I'm not dead.....yet.  What I did notice was that I want to make myself suffer.  I believe I need to suffer.  I have to suffer.  I have to continue to make myself suffer.  Key word there is 'continue'.  So I wondered if the suffering has to do with my father, my childhood.  Not sure where to go with that as all I know is that I need to suffer.  

I need to suffer as I can't or don't help others.  I need to suffer because I back off from helping others.  I need to suffer because I'm a horrible person.  I need to suffer because I useless.  I need to suffer because all I think about is myself.  I need to suffer because I'm not willing to volunteer or help others anymore or give wrong advice.  I need to suffer because I think I'm important enough to want the ability to heal.  I need to suffer because I don't have that innate ability to heal.  I need to suffer because I'm stupid, worthless, hopeless unwilling to help myself. I have to suffer.... because that's all I'm good for.  I need to suffer because I don't love enough/or deep enough, or care enough.

If I suffer and continue to feel pain then maybe it will make up for who I am.

Heart

Please keep in mind that this is my blog, and my thoughts, my feelings.  So what I am going to write is what I feeling at the moment.  And probably a lot of other moments too, but one never knows what the future brings.  Some may think I'm a dweeb.  Some may judge me and be disgusted on what I feel.  Maybe one might think - I know that feeling, hopefully they don't feel too alone then.

This might be two parts as in my head it is very long.

Few days ago I tried some mediating on my heart chakra pain. Nothing overly came up but I started thinking about my hands being warm almost hot.  I remembered eons ago I had tried to create for myself a business.  I had taken numerous courses in energy work and wanted to help others, do something with it.  At the time a neighbour, Joanne and her husband encouraged me.  She was (? is) a lovely woman.  At her age of 40's she got pregnant as they longed for a baby.  I'm sure that baby has been well blessed in life - at least I hope Marissa has been.  Joanne cared about others more then I had at the time known then anyone else.  They moved when Marissa was about 6 months old, far away from me.  But in that time, she helped me start my business etc.

I thought about that.  I thought about how much at the time I had longed to help others.  Probably as much as Joanne did.  There was something inside me that longed to heal others of their pain.  

My business never really took off.  I did work a bit out of a business, but they didn't help me get clients, and just wanted me to bring in clients for their business too.  I also had to work full time at another job, so I didn't have too much time in the place, which was far away from where I lived and worked.  

All in all, it didn't happen. I don't think I failed as much as it didn't work out.  I also noticed that I didn't seem to help anyone really.  I had a few clients, but no real big changes in others.  It was/is like I had the knowledge or talent but not that innate ability.  I could study and force myself to do it, but it wasn't / isn't 'flowable'.  I basically gave up after that and just decided I would continue to go to people who did healing, but no more courses.

Over the years I continued in jobs that involved me dealing with others / client services.  But never again in the healing way.  Guess it wasn't meant.  Sometimes people would say oh, try it again.  If that's really what you want, don't stop.  Every time a door slams in your face, just push thru it.  

I do understand that sometimes those replies are true.  But sometimes they are not.  I had prayed as others said I should etc.  It just never got anywhere.  Not that I'm upset over it that I never did end up in the healing energy field.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.

That being all said doesn't mean I still don't long to help others.  I wish so much that I could bring in that energy that helps me to help others.  At times someone will ask me a question, needing guidance or something along that line.  I genuinely pray inside and seek to answer them with a way that will help them/heal them/guide them.  When they later say they didn't do what I suggested.... no, I'm not upset with them.  I don't judge them wrong.  I am glad to hear what they did helped them.

I am devastated that what I said wasn't of help to them.  Even writing that sounds like it's all about me.  Maybe it is.  I hear in my head your advice was stupid/wrong, you didn't know what really would help them, why did you even say anything.  My heart breaks / hardens at my thinking I could help someone in their pain.  At times when my advice was taken and helped I am grateful I could help.  It opens that longing feeling to help more.  Which doesn't happen.  I am at a loss as to how to continue.  And then get slammed with giving the wrong advice the next time.

I know that I should not let EITHER response direct me.  I know that it is not about me.  I know I should just let it go.  I don't know why this continues to pain my heart. 

Don't Do That!

AJ yelled at me yesterday.  Kinda had it coming though.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I watched the rain and saw how much water at the end of the drive way.  AJ was downstairs, and I got my coat, went out the garage, got the shovel.... and pushed the slush and water down the way to the next door neigbhour's grate.  Took a few times to get it all down.  And then the snowplow came by, so I pushed/lifted some of that off the way too.  I was almost ready to fall on the road with pain.

I came in, put the oat bag in the micro and put it on my chest.  Also took a puff from my puffer.  My voice was horrible.  AJ noticed.....asked..... I told.  Hence the yelling.  Well, honestly, he didn't yell, just quibbled about me doing it.  Took around an hour for me to start to feel better and the pain to ease up.

I thought about that I have pain in the heart chakra / throat chakra areas.  With the heart chakra, as I mediated, I felt guilt.  Guilt over having others helping me/us with the shoveling.  I struggle with someone helping me.  I feel guilty when they do, and guilty if I need to ask them for help.  It's not so bad if I sent up with a payment - like going for a healing treatment.  It's the willingness of them doing it, that brings guilt feelings.  I want to express me gratitude for what they are doing, and I don't know how.  Saying thank you doesn't feel enough.

It's not that I want to have accolades if I do something for someone either.  Which is why I tend to want to do things that are unseen or unknown or done in the moment.  Donating to charities, 'kettles', shoveling a driveway, holding open a door etc.  I tend to be more charitable then AJ, but AJ is more expressive / helpful with others.  So I'm not sure why I feel guilty if someone else offers some help to me.

Maybe it's a bit of I don't deserve it.  I haven't done enough to have it.  Or just the thought I don't want to do anything for myself, so why should someone else offer/be willing to help me. 

Throat wise - voicing my opinions, thoughts etc.  I'm not good at that in person.  Speaking up for myself....asking for help...... hummmm.


Spent the day in London.  Did get tired in my chest at times.  Best is that Jax got to play!! And had his Christmas Do.  He looks so cute. (of course).  Got a bunch of shopping done.

Tomorrow we get the new furnace, a/c and environmental assessment (for rebates that are up end of the year - which is why we are doing this asap)

Dreams

I had a difficult night last night.  About 12am I woke with major pain in my left collarbone.  I could not rest.  Finally around 1am I got up, rubbed some cream on my collarbone and took and Advil.  It slowly eased and I got some sleep.  That chest pain continues to be an issue....

Early in the morning I got up, took Jax out, and everyone (pets) got a snack, back to bed.  I dreamt.  In the dream I was flying around a house/castle.  I realized it was my house and I was trying to get in  By flying I know.  I then realized I was flying and said I want to fly up to God, because I had started flying higher.  As soon as I said that, I started falling.  I yelled out why God, when I want to come to you, you let me fall..... please don't let this fall hurt  - as I was getting closer to the ground and preparing myself for a hard thud.  I gently landed.  I was glad about that.  And then I saw a box/cave and inside was a woman with blond long hair - she said You know what to do.  You need to go deep inside yourself for the answer.  Then I woke.

I know what that means.

Not surprisingly, I need to start being serious about meditating etc.  I have tried off and on over the years a bit.  I have always known I need to get into it.  And I've had fleeting thoughts on it the last few weeks.  I'm not really sure how to start.  Do I 'fast'? and meditate.  Do I lock myself in a room and ohm all day?  Does it involve vegan eating?    How should I do this?

Being very tired and emotional because of the Advil this morning, I decided to listen to a meditating CD and just lay there.  Did this after breakfast.  It's a start.

Then got up and went with AJ to Tim's for lunch and met Maureen and Mike.  Not exactly the vegan or fasting plan. 

I find it amusing that my safe pain (chest pain) is in my heart chakra.  It's not going to kill me, but man oh man it seriously hurts when I do something, and aches when I just sit here.  Laying down aches too.  I wonder if it has to do with the emptiness feeling.  Guess that answer is in the box/cave too.

Glad the weather is better - no snow today, actually melting a bit.  Hope it continues as I really don't want to make others shovel our driveway.  I got a few treats for the boy across the street, and got 2 little girl books and 2 little chocolate bears for the neighbour John.  He has his nieces come over and I figure they would like that better then me giving them something.  Besides I like the little tykes.  Don't see them that often.  They always apologize when the girls are over and they make noises outside.  I tell them it's ok, besides they aren't over that much anyways.  I know the books are girly but I have no idea what they would like.  Maybe in time I can find out and get closer to what they are interested in.

I came across a comic that I found amusing, but I can't copy / paste it.  If you are interested...  thin lines.  I thought it fit with my food/eating.  About sums it up!

Word of the Day

Today's new word is:  Costochondritis.

Costochondritis is an inflammation of the cartilage in the rib cage. The condition usually affects the cartilage where the upper ribs attach to the breastbone, or sternum, an area known as the costosternal joint or costosternal junction. Chest pain caused by costochondritis can range from mild to severe.

I thought there must be some diagnose of my chest pain.  Sure enough.  I knew it wasn't my lungs or my heart.  This explains it.  And why I can't do anything for the next three weeks.  It just has to heal.  Not going to kill me, and nothing that can be done about it but wait.  Sounds like a lot of things I have.... just wait. 

I feel a bit better emotionally.  Physically I hurt, and sort feels like I have that cold coming back.  Trying to get on top of it though.  Jax is sad.  Not walking him much.  Just the back yard and a bit of a walk.  At least on Tuesday he goes to day care and grooming.  Gets his Christmas Do.

I've been reading that Toltec book.  Interesting.  He talks that you are the author and write your own story.  So if you don't like the story - change it.  It's basically all energy, and one can change the direction of that energy or story of your life.  I've also noticed lately I've been talking or thinking of God.  Kinda scares me.  Sad part is when I realize I've been talking to God, I remind myself that I can't trust, and I really don't get answers from God.  Which I struggle with because I also know that God is trustworthy and does answer.  Part of it is I don't know the questions so how can I get answers.

I feel a bit empty.  And if I want to change the story.... what do I want to change the story to????  I guess that's the major question I currently have.  I have no idea.  I really do enjoy being content at home.  I love my pets and hubby.  I love that I don't have to get up to go somewhere everyday - that I don't HAVE to be somewhere that I don't want to be.  I love being able to walk Jax, to go and garden.  I love that I am able to shop when I feel like it.  To do my art.  To read.

Do I want to volunteer?  A horrible as it sounds - hell, no.  Not to say I don't want to be kind and helpful.  I do my best to do that everyday.  Eg. as much as it was killing me before I went to the NP for my chest pain, I saw two old neighbors attempting to shovel their driveway.  They had most of it done, but still I parked my car, got the shovel, walked over and told them who I was, and offered to help, even though they said it was ok, I still shoveled a bit/finished.  They were waiting for meals on wheels to come and didn't understand why the company who shovels for them didn't come.  Finished and walked home.  Thought I could have fallen on the road with the pain I was feeling in my chest, but made it home.  That kind of volunteering is what I desire to do (minus the chest pain of course!).

So what in the story do I want to change?  Probably some of my eating/foods etc.  Which I can do if I really wanted to.  Then why the emptiness?  Love myself?  Probably could work on that story line too.  Though other then to love myself, I don't know how to change that story line as I don't know what that story line looks like.  It's an abstract art design thought.

I wish I knew what the questions were............

Down

Not really in a good place at the moment.  Kinda down.  Kinda nauseated with the medications.  Kinda sad that my $$$$$$$$$$ nails only lasted a week before they started breaking - and I was careful.  Years ago I could go weeks - guess the glue they used for the tips wasn't the same.

Went to Lindsay yesterday.  She said I was to use the puffer I had before I went outside, and then when I came in if I needed it.  And again if I did any thing that caused me to breathe more (like exercise etc)  And to try not to go out too much.  Poor Jax doesn't really get a walk now.  I am to go back in 3 weeks if it is not better to get a chest xray.  Blessing, without saying anything the kid across the road shoveled our driveway!  He is a nice boy.  I was so glad he did that.

I haven't done much today and I don't know what we will have for dinner.  I'm trying not to puke.  Yesterday was needle day.  Tonight I think I will have a soak in espom salt.  See if that will help my shoulders - in pain.  

I feel really down and sad.  I probably will not post the rest of the week as I'm sure if anyone reads this they aren't interested in what I have to write at the moment.  Til later.

Nuthin

I got nuthin for today.  Very quite.  Shoveled some snow  Napped.  Argued with AJ about seeing our Nurse Practioner about my lungs hurting with the cold/damp outside.  He might just win that one!!!  I just might go see her.

Sorry about the very boring blog today....

Polish

AJ was right....second time.  I wonder if he should buy a lotto ticket.

On Wednesday I dropped Jax off to play and called a random nail spa.  They didn't have any appointments until 1pm.  I booked for 3pm so I could then pick up Jax at 4pm.

 Then I went back home and returned the nails I got from Shoppers Drug Mart.  I decided it would be nicer to have them properly done. They would look better.  And they do.

Went to the dinner and show with Maureen and Mike last night.  It was nice.  Very delicious meal.  They have three seatings/shows.  Have about 500 people at each.  Well done all around.

Going to mom's tomorrow.  Called her and she said my sis and family would be there tomorrow too.  She would set 2 more plates.  She sounded happy to have us come.  I think cuz it will be like Christmas for her as we will not be coming down on the 24th.

Tired today, slept alot so far, and ready for more.  Poor Jax doesn't get much out time.  It's cold and windy lately.  It's not that cold bothers me as much as the wind.  It feels like I'm inhaling shards of glass in my lungs.  Yesterday we got the mail and on the way back I was in pain with breathing, I didn't know if I could make it home.  Jax's walks have become very short.  There's not much for him to do in the house, we do play tug, but still not that outside running around.  sigh.

I'm off for a nap.  Ta.

Surrender

Early Sunday morning I got up to let Jax out for his morning constitution and me being so very, very spacey ill, everyone (well the pets) got crunchies and back to bed.  I wasn't really able to sleep well.  I heard a story thread in my head which I expanded instead of sleeping.  I wondered if I could remember it to write it down.  I did my best, and this is the closest I could come to it.  I didn't have any thought of what the story is about, it just kinda flowed out.  AJ, when I read it, had an immediate thought that surprised me as I didn't have that in mind or even think on it.  Huh. I thought it might have been on something different then his take.  I don't know.   Enjoy.

I did not know the path to go, until I found what appeared to be an easy way.  I crawled at a slow pace along the path.  Nothing caught my eye, but after a while the journey along was peaceful and pleasant to me.  So I continued.  Soon I came to a large field, and there near an old broken-down, worn out fence I saw some plants.  They were heavy, black, they were vile, with flowers that spewed putrid puss.  The horror that these plants emanated, urged my feet to a quicker pace.  A need to remove myself from their presence enveloped me.  But they drew me, turning my head, I glanced back as I quickly walked.  They smiled with malice at me and I ran.

The next day, I place my foot upon the path, not knowing if I dare follow thru with the next.  But as by force, my steps followed one by one along a path I had been the day before.  I knew what I would see…. Those black plants with putrid flowers.  Soon, I could see, not the old broken-down worn out fence, but the black plants with putrid flowers.  Yes, they were there, but further on I saw the slim white trees with golden leaves dancing in the breeze.  They sang to me, those golden leaves, of promises, of dreams, of hopes, of light.  They sang in quiet peace, those white trees with golden leaves.  I was charmed and delighted and slowed my feet so I might hear of their song.  But there were whispers in those songs that did not belong.  Those black plants with putrid flowers mumbled with morbid voices and I hurried along.

Though I could not stop my feet, upon the path they walked as if by some force or need.  I had to see those white trees with golden leaves, even if I would pass by the black plants with putrid flowers.  Soon upon the path as I walked I saw, those black plants with putrid flowers in among the white trees with golden leaves.  My heart fluttered in fear, for what would those black plants with putrid flowers do to the gentle white trees with golden leaves?  I could see from afar, the beautiful white trees with golden leaves, so close to the black plants with putrid flowers, I trembled.  No more were those nearest the black plants of white and gold, they were scorched with soot of black.  The golden leaves curled and crisp.  Those vile black plants with putrid flowers cackled with their delight.

I could not, I would not, walk upon the path that led to that field.  For I feared what destruction I would see were I to be so brave and walk ahead.  So I wandered a while, until my feet alighted upon a path I did not want to walk.  Each step I knew would bring me closer and I would see those black plants with putrid flowers, and less of those white trees with golden leaves.  Now those trees, so close to those plants, hung with strength I thought as I looked upon.  They stood though the plants curled around them.  They stood as best they could.  Like soldiers protecting their loved ones.  Those soldier trees, all bent and scared, continued to be, even with those black plants with putrid flowers gleefully creeping further afield.

The rains came.  I would not walk.  I would not dare to let my foot step on any path for it would lead me there.  My heart harden at the thought of those beautiful slim white trees with golden leaves.  Darkness came and cloaked my soul.  Hardness had solidified all I was.  For those slim white trees with golden leaves that sang songs of sweetness, of hope, of joy, of courage could not be.  Those black plants with putrid flowers would be.

As the rains lessen, and the light shone, upon a path I would walk on.  My foot knew the route, though my heart did not.  For I was not to see where I would lead.  I would not believe in slim white trees with golden leaves or of heavy black plants with putrid flowers.  I would walk with veils of tears covering my eyes.  Veils of sorrow, of dreams long past.  Veils of hope, of joys remembered. 

Light shone a path that my foot walked upon.  Brushing away the tears I saw the old broken-down worn out fence in the field of black plants with putrid flowers and white trees with golden leaves.  I stood and watched, then pushed on.  For now these putrid flowers and golden leaves were no more for me.  I would not see, I would not be.

I heard a sigh, way up high.  All around was blue sky. I looked to see what would be, and there I saw those black plants with putrid flowers in between those white trees with golden leaves.  The soldiers still stood with grace and strength in a soot grey with those horrid flowers at the base.  Wandering along was a strange sight to see, for there further along between the slim white trees with golden leaves were not those heavy black plants with putrid flowers but a foreign sight.  Those black plants with putrid flowers had altered and grew to be delicate silver buds of surrenderings.  With soft, young, tender shoots of green.

My soul delighted.  The hardness cracked around my heart.  Those sliver buds of surrenderings brought down the veil of tears in me.  The slim white trees with golden leaves sang on, and healed those heavy black plants with putrid flowers one by one.  I laughed in glee, and let my feet dance upon the path before me.  Though I did not see.

Medical Ramble

AJ won - I did end up in the hospital.....Sunday night at 1230am.  The nurse, I got the feeling, wasn't impressed with me.  I mean seriously, it's a cold and you're coughing, suck it up.  He never asked my medical history, just if I've had pneumonia and asthma (yes), did you use your inhaler?  No.  It's old, but he didn't ask, and I didn't think to say that.  I was so spacey and tired.  Eventually I saw the doctor and I said I'm methoxtrate, my lungs are sore from coughing, I feel it's getting into them.  SHE believed me and said something I did not know.  She said she'd get me some medications and if I did not feel better by the time I was to take my needle on Tuesday (today) that I should not take it, and immediately go to my doctor to get my lungs checked and make sure that the Metho didn't damage them.  I knew metho affected organs, but not to the quick point of lung damage for some reason.  When the nurse came in he looked at the medication and said she gave you a heavy dose.  Me - yeah.  Him - is she giving you a prescription?  Me - yeah.  Him - oh, she will be back then.  Well duh, if you would have asked me and realized my health history you might understand why we are here at 1230 in the morning for a hacking cough.  I do love being in a small town though - it took a total including driving and getting home - less then two hours.

I saw Anne-Marie the other day.  I asked if there was something I needed to know.  She said I was concerned about AJ and his health.  Ahhh, not really.....not at the moment.  And then I came home.  AJ commented that he thought one of his moles had changed.  We looked at the photo taken earlier this year and yup.  It's larger and blacker.  Damn.  Now I'm focused on AJ and his health.  ha ha ha.  I called and booked AJ in with our NP for yesterday (Monday)  

Funny thing was, I ended up going to the NP on Monday too.  My right wrist has a bony bump that is starting to really hurt.  I've had it for a while, and when I accidentally hit it on something I see stars, then it throbs for a while.  The left side is slowly getting one too.  I guess because I was still so tired that my hit in the morning ended my waiting and I called.  Off I went to see her.  I explained the midnight hospital run to her.  She was fine with it and content with the heavy antibiotic decision.  I the explained my wrist.  She gave me a sheet for an x-ray, and agreed that the bump on the OTHER side of my right wrist was probably a ganglion but the hard bump was different.  Considering my RA doing 'those' blood/urine tests she wanted to get it checked.  Then we talked about a bone density scan too.  Off for that too now.  Booked for February along with my mammogram. 

I couldn't get the xray done yesterday as I had to get back home to get AJ for his appointment.  He's going to see a surgeon to biopsy that mole. Went today for the xray at the hospital...took a whole half hour.  Those wonderful small town hospitals......

My appointment with Anne-Marie:
Basically in the end my talk with Anne-Marie came out with:  I need to have a complete full check and testing.  The MGUS, SMM, MM and WM/L did touch her on spots and I needed to have the check to confirm what is going on.  Eating  - eat to be healthy and don't focus on weight etc.  That follows with my thoughts and current reading books.  No sugar!  and no microwave use.  My reason to do it - I want to outlive my pets, so that is my focus.  It will change my perspective with foods/eating/living if I look at them.  And it will help me get thru things because they matter to me, they need me.  AJ needs me, but he will be cared for if I wasn't around.  I worry more about my pets.  He will love and care for them, but they are my babies, my life, my purpose.  She said it would take around 6 months to get everything done and find out the outcome.

I sorta feel like crying at times over possible outcomes.  But I know I can't because I don't know the outcome, and I could just be thinking things that aren't true.  I can't really talk to anyone but AJ about it / my concerns too.  He listens and doesn't say much, just loves me thru those moments.

My one friend will not let me talk as her feeling, I sense, is I don't know the outcome so don't think on it.  It's almost like she's angry / judgmental / pissed? for even thinking it could be something when I don't know.  I get it, but it's not like I'm talking of a concern / fear of .... say stepping on a jellyfish, or frost bite from hiking Mt Everest.... which are things not even near my orbit of possibilities.  Actually the MGUS / SMM / MM / WM / L weren't in my orbit until a got a blood test in the mail to get some strange and different tests done.  Which THEN got me thinking and concerned about those outcomes.  Those outcomes will continue to be in the background of my thoughts UNTIL they come back negative.  Or bring more concerns......

My other friend's response tends to be one of 'trump it'.  She wants to trump any concern I have with what her things are.

The other two friends tend to lean towards don't talk to me about it, you're fine and will live a long time. 

Another friend doesn't know, but I sense her response will be along the line of the oh too bad, don't worry about it you don't have any answers and will live a long time.

My last friend......she of all of them, understands.  She doesn't really say much about it, lets me talk of my concerns, expresses her experience with cancer, offers insights she got, and lets me be.  I love her for that.  I don't say too much to her as we are far away (she's in the old community) and she's dealing with her own cancer issues.  I try to be there for her more then me talking of my issues.  She doesn't need to hear of them, and I don't want to bring them up to her.  

Then there's my mother......  I don't know what to do about that one.  Last year when I wanted to tell her about not feeling well then, she cut me off and said she didn't want to hear about it, I was fine.  She was more worried about my sister dying and her kidney issues (granted it is a concern as my sister might end up needing a kidney as there isn't any more medication for her to take) and she has the two boys  - as my mother said.  So since then, I basically say I'm fine when she asks, or just a general oh I'm tired.

It seems in the last month she's trying to figure out what's going on with my health.  I suspect it's because I did that 7 day no questions black and white photos and the last one with of the needle.  My sister must have mentioned something to mom about it as a few days after that when I was talking to her she kinda wouldn't let my 'I'm fine' be.  I told her I was taking a needle weekly for my RA issues.  Didn't tell her it was a chemo drug or anything else.  

When I talked with her on Saturday she insisted on knowing if I was ok - yes, I just have a cold and a squeaky voice, I'm fine.  Later she asked again if there was anything else.  I didn't say anything, I wondered, I thought of all she had said to me about my sister being more important, did she really want to know my fears?  She would just say along the line that I would be fine, live a long time, and have nothing to worry about.  So in the empty space, I said nothing.  And then I replied Rob made my bathroom pink and I like it.  It's girly.  She didn't say anything about my health again and we talked of my girly pink bathroom.

I thought about that after and wondered what am I to say?  I don't want to bother her, and I definitely don't need to hear how my sister has two boys to live for and she might die if her kidneys fail.  I do worry about her even though she will not talk to me about things, and we barely talk.  Dysfunctional family at it's best.....sigh.

I have decided on a response though.  We are going to see her next Saturday and IF she asks:

Me:  I'm not sure how to answer that as you explained that you didn't want to hear about my health issues as my sister is more important due to the two boys.  So when you ask for more then just a I'm fine general answer, I don't know what you want to hear.  

Ok, I probably should leave out the sister/boys part.  Even reading that back, that should be left out.  ha ha ha.

Maybe if she says she wants to know I will share from the chemo drug to the cancer concerns and what it all entails.  I wonder if she really wants to know all that.  Probably not.

I'm so grateful to have AJ to hold me.  And I do not cry.... until I know I am allowed to.

Bunny Jumping

I was thinking about what I wrote about Rob and AJ.  Guess this is part 2.  I thought a lot on it I guess because of it being someone else finding me 'pretty'.  Especially since I'm not really feeling pretty lately.  Not so much about my weight, but just in general.  With me short, thin, disappearing hair, my pains, my slowly growing weird RA lumps etc....

I put the highlights in my hair the other day - found it made me look prettier - to me.  I liked it.  So did AJ.  My friend Talia said I should go to have it done at the hairdresser, AJ agreed, but I did ok.  I also decided I would just do my nails myself.  At least the first time.  AJ really wanted me to go and have it done, I just can't bring myself to do it.  Talia said to have my nails done for the dinner we are going out this week with Maureen and Mike.  She also reminded me of how I looked years ago.  I mentioned maybe I would get a wig again.  AJ likes my real hair.  She sent me a photo.

I'm the one in the silver.  I like the wig.  Ah the old days.

Those were the days I was dating AJ and we were 'active' all the time.  That's where Rob comes in.  I can't see me doing that anymore.  I flirt with him, with AJ around, and talk of olden days of what I did sometimes.  But is it there now?  Would it drive me to cheat?  Not in a million years.  Even with AJ there's barely anything left in me that drives that train.  There's no bunny jumping procreation desires with AJ let alone someone else.  I can see there will never be anyone else after AJ as I just don't have much in me for bunny jumping.  Which makes me sad for my relationship with my wonderful, adoring hubby.  Between both of our health challenges, we just don't, even though we'd like to.

It stunned me, really stunned me the last time I was under 200 lbs that there was barely any action in me as every time I was under 200 lbs, I was jumping all over the place.  It was always that way.  As soon as I'd weigh less then 200 lbs I was a rabbit.  I thought though, that was what I was all about, and all I had to be whether I wanted to or not.  I had told AJ just wait and see..... and we both waited.....and waited.  Not to say it's completely dead.  Just not that active anymore. I was so sure I'd bunny jump him like before, or at least close to it.  

Oh well......

AJ sent me to bed because I'm sick with this cold.  He's a bit testy as he'd really like to bring me to the hospital, I just won't go - and I'm the one who drives.  I said I'd see the NP Monday when I bring him to see her.  I will call tomorrow and ask if I can get squeezed in - all I need is some meds.  The cold has gotten into my lungs - not a good place for me to have a cold.  I'm suppose to be resting and sleeping.  I snuck my computer into my mediation room.... Poor Jax.  It's a beautiful day and I'm sure he'd love to go for a long walk.  I'd actually would love to take him, but don't have it in me.  And I can't breathe that cool air in too much.  I did walk him a bit this morning.

AJ wanted to go out by himself to Walmart.  Wants to go Christmas shopping.  I said when he goes to Walmart in the first cashier isle is Reeses peanutbutter cups with Reeses pieces in it.  Please get me one.  And if they didn't have any, to go to the Dollar Tree, not Dollarama as they have them too.  Told him it was his payment for me allowing him to go out by himself.  He laughed and laughed.  Said I was so kind!  Told him if he kept laughing I'd show him how kind I could be!  😮  He will bring me one.  I think he's happy to be able to go out on his own today.  It's beautiful out, as I wrote, and he's on his own (that independent feeling), and off to do something nice for me.  (the Christmas shopping)  Before he left he wanted to confirm where to go if Walmart didn't have the chocolate - as he would try his best to get it so that I would be happy.  Ah, I love him.  How could there be anyone else?

Pink

Rob finished my bathroom.  It's pink.  It has a lot of grey-black tiles so pink was a light colour for it.  And I got a new light too so it's brighter in there.  It's a small, walk in shower type of bathroom.

Rob is a good handyman.  He's done a lot of work around here and is basically finished for the moment.  Next year he will come to work outside - too cold now.  He likes me.  I know this because, well because when we spent the day outside on Wednesday I simply said besides you like me.  He replied yes I do.  He's 'married'.  We joke around a lot and I've known since about 2 weeks after he started working that he liked me.  It was just a feeling I got.  About a month ago I found out his wife is large, and that's when I knew yes, he does like me.  I'm not as large as her.  She came to help paint the house.  She's nice, I like her.  Rob likes AJ too.  It's not anything there that would cause either of us to do anything, and I don't have any desire to do anything with him or anyone else.  I love AJ and I'm content being married.  Besides, I have too many health issues!  But it's nice to feel liked by someone else.  Especially at the size i am.  AJ loves me, but I was much slimmer when we met, and he once said he won't have dated me if I was large.  Then when I got ill and larger he still loved me.  

I once asked AJ about his previous statement and whether he loved me the way I looked then.  (I was 180 lbs when we met, went to 240 lbs, and now 200 lbs)  He said he thought I was beautiful at any size and that he loved me.  I know he loves me, I know my size doesn't matter to his love for me.  He apologized for saying something like that - that he wouldn't  have dated me.  Confused?  I guess that's why Rob's immediate statement, and he admitted he liked larger women all his life, made me feel good.

That being all said.... I like Rob, he's nice looking, but AJ is really the one I love and am interested in.  And Rob can continue to do the work around the house as needed.  I will miss him once everything is done.  ha ha ha.

I got a cold, I hope it's just a cold and not into my lungs.  I didn't feel well last week and kinda thought it was coming, but was able to keep it at bay.  But spending all day outside with Rob working on the cover over the deck (needed repair so the rain and snow wouldn't go thru) I think just pushed it over.  At one point I felt my feel were cold.  It was a nice, sunny day, I was dressed warm, but I guess ????  It doesn't help being fatigued and then being tired from the cold.  I've been going to bed the last two nights at 7pm.  AJ laughs at my squeaky voice.  Even recorded it as he thought it was funny.

That's it for now.  Tomorrow, thankfully, is jammy day!  Not doing anything but reading.  And maybe some cooking....... 

Nighttime Thoughts

The joys of waking up at like 2am and my brain starts motoring......  I write truly inspiring, fascinating, insightful stuff for my blog.  Yeah.  And then when I get out of bed, shower, feed everyone, walk the dog, do the laundry, get groceries, clean the poop (yes, that's something I have to do daily!) ... etc etc. I totally forget what I was going to write about and all those intense emotional written stories are long gone out of my head.

True, I could get up and start writing at 2am, but seriously, it's 2am!!!  I want to sleep.  Sleep eludes me often, so when I get it I try to get as much that night as I can.  Sadly that's all I remember I wanted to write!!  ha ha ha.  😜 

Onward.

I've been reading those books I ordered and mentioned before.  I finished The Stranger in the Woods.  Was about Christopher Knight, true story, enjoyable.

I started Thins No One will tell Fat girls by Jes Baker.  She writes the blog  http://www.themilitantbaker.com/   So far I have only read the intro and chapter 1.  She wrote about beautiful and pretty and that made me laugh as before I read that I was looking at myself in the mirror the last few weeks and thinking I missed the boat.  I feel like I never really got the beautiful place in looks.  Yes, there were times when, in my head, I thought I made beautiful or at least pretty as I was now 180 lbs, had my hair done, and finger nails polished.  I finally arrived.  Though at this point I don't know where I thought I arrived - other then now I was acceptable.

I have spent my life looking and trying to be acceptable.  Isn't that stupid!  (This will eventually go into the other book I started reading last night). 

I look in the mirror now and sigh.  My hair is thin, fine, very short (got it trimmed the other day as it was not doing anything and I hoped trimming would help.  Which it has, but it's very short again), lays flat and close to my head.  It's thinning a lot.  I have 2 semi-bald spots.  Front and back.  The colour, which I did the other week, is a nice brown and I got a box of highlighting that I will will do some point this week. But I still see myself as just unpretty.  As Jes writes we talk about how wonderful we are inside, which I know I am, but we don't accept the outside body look.  AJ keeps says I should go and have my nails done as it would make me happy.  And instead of me going to the store and buying fake nails, he says to go to the shop and have them professionally done.  I'm trying to feel worthy of doing that.  Isn't that stupid too?  Just go.

She writes on stats: and ten yr olds are more afraid of being fat then cancer, war or losing both their parents.  (Also) We commit suicide.  And sadly, there is case after case of this:  people who would rather die than live in the body the world has told them is inferior.   How sad, and for me how true.

I grew up believing the only way I would be acceptable was to be thin and beautiful.  Something I perceived I never achieved.  And now?  In some ways I feel it's too late.  I'm calmer on it and when I look in the mirror I do still see and hear flaws, but then I work at overriding those thoughts with more loving ones.  Not easy to believe.