Heart

Please keep in mind that this is my blog, and my thoughts, my feelings.  So what I am going to write is what I feeling at the moment.  And probably a lot of other moments too, but one never knows what the future brings.  Some may think I'm a dweeb.  Some may judge me and be disgusted on what I feel.  Maybe one might think - I know that feeling, hopefully they don't feel too alone then.

This might be two parts as in my head it is very long.

Few days ago I tried some mediating on my heart chakra pain. Nothing overly came up but I started thinking about my hands being warm almost hot.  I remembered eons ago I had tried to create for myself a business.  I had taken numerous courses in energy work and wanted to help others, do something with it.  At the time a neighbour, Joanne and her husband encouraged me.  She was (? is) a lovely woman.  At her age of 40's she got pregnant as they longed for a baby.  I'm sure that baby has been well blessed in life - at least I hope Marissa has been.  Joanne cared about others more then I had at the time known then anyone else.  They moved when Marissa was about 6 months old, far away from me.  But in that time, she helped me start my business etc.

I thought about that.  I thought about how much at the time I had longed to help others.  Probably as much as Joanne did.  There was something inside me that longed to heal others of their pain.  

My business never really took off.  I did work a bit out of a business, but they didn't help me get clients, and just wanted me to bring in clients for their business too.  I also had to work full time at another job, so I didn't have too much time in the place, which was far away from where I lived and worked.  

All in all, it didn't happen. I don't think I failed as much as it didn't work out.  I also noticed that I didn't seem to help anyone really.  I had a few clients, but no real big changes in others.  It was/is like I had the knowledge or talent but not that innate ability.  I could study and force myself to do it, but it wasn't / isn't 'flowable'.  I basically gave up after that and just decided I would continue to go to people who did healing, but no more courses.

Over the years I continued in jobs that involved me dealing with others / client services.  But never again in the healing way.  Guess it wasn't meant.  Sometimes people would say oh, try it again.  If that's really what you want, don't stop.  Every time a door slams in your face, just push thru it.  

I do understand that sometimes those replies are true.  But sometimes they are not.  I had prayed as others said I should etc.  It just never got anywhere.  Not that I'm upset over it that I never did end up in the healing energy field.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.

That being all said doesn't mean I still don't long to help others.  I wish so much that I could bring in that energy that helps me to help others.  At times someone will ask me a question, needing guidance or something along that line.  I genuinely pray inside and seek to answer them with a way that will help them/heal them/guide them.  When they later say they didn't do what I suggested.... no, I'm not upset with them.  I don't judge them wrong.  I am glad to hear what they did helped them.

I am devastated that what I said wasn't of help to them.  Even writing that sounds like it's all about me.  Maybe it is.  I hear in my head your advice was stupid/wrong, you didn't know what really would help them, why did you even say anything.  My heart breaks / hardens at my thinking I could help someone in their pain.  At times when my advice was taken and helped I am grateful I could help.  It opens that longing feeling to help more.  Which doesn't happen.  I am at a loss as to how to continue.  And then get slammed with giving the wrong advice the next time.

I know that I should not let EITHER response direct me.  I know that it is not about me.  I know I should just let it go.  I don't know why this continues to pain my heart.