AJ yelled at me yesterday. Kinda had it coming though. I couldn't take it anymore. I watched the rain and saw how much water at the end of the drive way. AJ was downstairs, and I got my coat, went out the garage, got the shovel.... and pushed the slush and water down the way to the next door neigbhour's grate. Took a few times to get it all down. And then the snowplow came by, so I pushed/lifted some of that off the way too. I was almost ready to fall on the road with pain.
I came in, put the oat bag in the micro and put it on my chest. Also took a puff from my puffer. My voice was horrible. AJ noticed.....asked..... I told. Hence the yelling. Well, honestly, he didn't yell, just quibbled about me doing it. Took around an hour for me to start to feel better and the pain to ease up.
I thought about that I have pain in the heart chakra / throat chakra areas. With the heart chakra, as I mediated, I felt guilt. Guilt over having others helping me/us with the shoveling. I struggle with someone helping me. I feel guilty when they do, and guilty if I need to ask them for help. It's not so bad if I sent up with a payment - like going for a healing treatment. It's the willingness of them doing it, that brings guilt feelings. I want to express me gratitude for what they are doing, and I don't know how. Saying thank you doesn't feel enough.
It's not that I want to have accolades if I do something for someone either. Which is why I tend to want to do things that are unseen or unknown or done in the moment. Donating to charities, 'kettles', shoveling a driveway, holding open a door etc. I tend to be more charitable then AJ, but AJ is more expressive / helpful with others. So I'm not sure why I feel guilty if someone else offers some help to me.
Maybe it's a bit of I don't deserve it. I haven't done enough to have it. Or just the thought I don't want to do anything for myself, so why should someone else offer/be willing to help me.
Throat wise - voicing my opinions, thoughts etc. I'm not good at that in person. Speaking up for myself....asking for help...... hummmm.
Spent the day in London. Did get tired in my chest at times. Best is that Jax got to play!! And had his Christmas Do. He looks so cute. (of course). Got a bunch of shopping done.
Tomorrow we get the new furnace, a/c and environmental assessment (for rebates that are up end of the year - which is why we are doing this asap)
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