AJ won - I did end up in the hospital.....Sunday night at 1230am. The nurse, I got the feeling, wasn't impressed with me. I mean seriously, it's a cold and you're coughing, suck it up. He never asked my medical history, just if I've had pneumonia and asthma (yes), did you use your inhaler? No. It's old, but he didn't ask, and I didn't think to say that. I was so spacey and tired. Eventually I saw the doctor and I said I'm methoxtrate, my lungs are sore from coughing, I feel it's getting into them. SHE believed me and said something I did not know. She said she'd get me some medications and if I did not feel better by the time I was to take my needle on Tuesday (today) that I should not take it, and immediately go to my doctor to get my lungs checked and make sure that the Metho didn't damage them. I knew metho affected organs, but not to the quick point of lung damage for some reason. When the nurse came in he looked at the medication and said she gave you a heavy dose. Me - yeah. Him - is she giving you a prescription? Me - yeah. Him - oh, she will be back then. Well duh, if you would have asked me and realized my health history you might understand why we are here at 1230 in the morning for a hacking cough. I do love being in a small town though - it took a total including driving and getting home - less then two hours.
I saw Anne-Marie the other day. I asked if there was something I needed to know. She said I was concerned about AJ and his health. Ahhh, not really.....not at the moment. And then I came home. AJ commented that he thought one of his moles had changed. We looked at the photo taken earlier this year and yup. It's larger and blacker. Damn. Now I'm focused on AJ and his health. ha ha ha. I called and booked AJ in with our NP for yesterday (Monday)
Funny thing was, I ended up going to the NP on Monday too. My right wrist has a bony bump that is starting to really hurt. I've had it for a while, and when I accidentally hit it on something I see stars, then it throbs for a while. The left side is slowly getting one too. I guess because I was still so tired that my hit in the morning ended my waiting and I called. Off I went to see her. I explained the midnight hospital run to her. She was fine with it and content with the heavy antibiotic decision. I the explained my wrist. She gave me a sheet for an x-ray, and agreed that the bump on the OTHER side of my right wrist was probably a ganglion but the hard bump was different. Considering my RA doing 'those' blood/urine tests she wanted to get it checked. Then we talked about a bone density scan too. Off for that too now. Booked for February along with my mammogram.
I couldn't get the xray done yesterday as I had to get back home to get AJ for his appointment. He's going to see a surgeon to biopsy that mole. Went today for the xray at the hospital...took a whole half hour. Those wonderful small town hospitals......
My appointment with Anne-Marie:
Basically in the end my talk with Anne-Marie came out with: I need to have a complete full check and testing. The MGUS, SMM, MM and WM/L did touch her on spots and I needed to have the check to confirm what is going on. Eating - eat to be healthy and don't focus on weight etc. That follows with my thoughts and current reading books. No sugar! and no microwave use. My reason to do it - I want to outlive my pets, so that is my focus. It will change my perspective with foods/eating/living if I look at them. And it will help me get thru things because they matter to me, they need me. AJ needs me, but he will be cared for if I wasn't around. I worry more about my pets. He will love and care for them, but they are my babies, my life, my purpose. She said it would take around 6 months to get everything done and find out the outcome.
I sorta feel like crying at times over possible outcomes. But I know I can't because I don't know the outcome, and I could just be thinking things that aren't true. I can't really talk to anyone but AJ about it / my concerns too. He listens and doesn't say much, just loves me thru those moments.
My one friend will not let me talk as her feeling, I sense, is I don't know the outcome so don't think on it. It's almost like she's angry / judgmental / pissed? for even thinking it could be something when I don't know. I get it, but it's not like I'm talking of a concern / fear of .... say stepping on a jellyfish, or frost bite from hiking Mt Everest.... which are things not even near my orbit of possibilities. Actually the MGUS / SMM / MM / WM / L weren't in my orbit until a got a blood test in the mail to get some strange and different tests done. Which THEN got me thinking and concerned about those outcomes. Those outcomes will continue to be in the background of my thoughts UNTIL they come back negative. Or bring more concerns......
My other friend's response tends to be one of 'trump it'. She wants to trump any concern I have with what her things are.
The other two friends tend to lean towards don't talk to me about it, you're fine and will live a long time.
Another friend doesn't know, but I sense her response will be along the line of the oh too bad, don't worry about it you don't have any answers and will live a long time.
My last friend......she of all of them, understands. She doesn't really say much about it, lets me talk of my concerns, expresses her experience with cancer, offers insights she got, and lets me be. I love her for that. I don't say too much to her as we are far away (she's in the old community) and she's dealing with her own cancer issues. I try to be there for her more then me talking of my issues. She doesn't need to hear of them, and I don't want to bring them up to her.
Then there's my mother...... I don't know what to do about that one. Last year when I wanted to tell her about not feeling well then, she cut me off and said she didn't want to hear about it, I was fine. She was more worried about my sister dying and her kidney issues (granted it is a concern as my sister might end up needing a kidney as there isn't any more medication for her to take) and she has the two boys - as my mother said. So since then, I basically say I'm fine when she asks, or just a general oh I'm tired.
It seems in the last month she's trying to figure out what's going on with my health. I suspect it's because I did that 7 day no questions black and white photos and the last one with of the needle. My sister must have mentioned something to mom about it as a few days after that when I was talking to her she kinda wouldn't let my 'I'm fine' be. I told her I was taking a needle weekly for my RA issues. Didn't tell her it was a chemo drug or anything else.
When I talked with her on Saturday she insisted on knowing if I was ok - yes, I just have a cold and a squeaky voice, I'm fine. Later she asked again if there was anything else. I didn't say anything, I wondered, I thought of all she had said to me about my sister being more important, did she really want to know my fears? She would just say along the line that I would be fine, live a long time, and have nothing to worry about. So in the empty space, I said nothing. And then I replied Rob made my bathroom pink and I like it. It's girly. She didn't say anything about my health again and we talked of my girly pink bathroom.
I thought about that after and wondered what am I to say? I don't want to bother her, and I definitely don't need to hear how my sister has two boys to live for and she might die if her kidneys fail. I do worry about her even though she will not talk to me about things, and we barely talk. Dysfunctional family at it's best.....sigh.
I have decided on a response though. We are going to see her next Saturday and IF she asks:
Me: I'm not sure how to answer that as you explained that you didn't want to hear about my health issues as my sister is more important due to the two boys. So when you ask for more then just a I'm fine general answer, I don't know what you want to hear.
Ok, I probably should leave out the sister/boys part. Even reading that back, that should be left out. ha ha ha.
Maybe if she says she wants to know I will share from the chemo drug to the cancer concerns and what it all entails. I wonder if she really wants to know all that. Probably not.
I'm so grateful to have AJ to hold me. And I do not cry.... until I know I am allowed to.
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