Continuing on.
Feeling crappy continues. As in my cold, coughing and chest pain. Though in the last few days my chest pain has gone from icy sharp pain to hard, heavy ball of pain. Coughing is difficult at night. So I'm not sleeping well. Taking an Advil makes me even more emotional and tired.
Took an Advil nighWednesday night, so Thursday morning I was on edge of tears. I decided to call Anne-Marie. I have thought of her last few days. Kinda thought of calling Jacqui, but I feel she is done with me. Thought that a few appointments with her that I had before I left the old place. Not that I think she would turn me away. I do know Jacqui would be open and helpful as always. She has that healing ability I longed for. I have been told over the years that I had / have physic abilities/ that I sensed things. I know this to be true.
I called Anne-Marie and instead of getting voice mail, she actually answered the phone. I booked an appointment for Dec 28th, after we had talked for a while.
She asked how I was doing, I explained that I was still ill, but ok. I had mediated on my heart chakra. As we continued I said no I hadn't stopped the sugar and it probably was affecting my health. She suggested maybe hypnosis might help as to why. I said I kinda knew why. I said I kinda wished I was dead.
I thought about that statement afterwards. It's not a new thought, but one that I carried further in thought as to why. Usually when I get to that thought of wishing I was dead I would tell myself to stop it. It's not that I want to kill myself. Killing myself and being dead are different. Killing to me, is actually intently removing life from self. Wishing I was dead is, to me, well, just being dead without killing myself. That probably sounds confusing. Can't really explain it any better.
Later, when I thought on it, I realized I don't want to be dead. Huh. Continuing on that thread I noticed there is inside me a strong life force that wants to live. Hence the reason I'm not dead.....yet. What I did notice was that I want to make myself suffer. I believe I need to suffer. I have to suffer. I have to continue to make myself suffer. Key word there is 'continue'. So I wondered if the suffering has to do with my father, my childhood. Not sure where to go with that as all I know is that I need to suffer.
I need to suffer as I can't or don't help others. I need to suffer because I back off from helping others. I need to suffer because I'm a horrible person. I need to suffer because I useless. I need to suffer because all I think about is myself. I need to suffer because I'm not willing to volunteer or help others anymore or give wrong advice. I need to suffer because I think I'm important enough to want the ability to heal. I need to suffer because I don't have that innate ability to heal. I need to suffer because I'm stupid, worthless, hopeless unwilling to help myself. I have to suffer.... because that's all I'm good for. I need to suffer because I don't love enough/or deep enough, or care enough.
If I suffer and continue to feel pain then maybe it will make up for who I am.
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