Wondering

So I feel I need to suffer.

Here comes another reminder that this is how I feel.  I know what I will write is upsetting to some - and in no way do I mean to imply what happens to others isn't suffering to them, or what they wanted, or anything about anything on it.  It's just all about me, remember.  Nor do I wish of think others think or feel as I do etc....etc..... etc.....They would also be ones that I would long to heal/help.

I think of my coming up blood test in January.  There is a part of me that wants it to come out as a semi-death sentence.  How horrible is that, I know.  I'm sure some would wish it then.  There is a part of me that would like it to be into something as then it would be something that I deserve.  Suffer with another body disease.  Make it so I will suffer as I deserve.  Which saying all this, my blood work will come back fine I'm sure.  Nothing will be wrong with me, so I will find another way to create something for me to suffer.

The eating/food is part of that suffering I think.  What is a better way for me to continue to be 'healthy' and alive and yet damage and hurt and make myself suffer without it killing me?  Rolls around and back to loving myself and loving my body.  If one did that then one (meaning me in both cases) would not do that to one's self.  Back to the heart chakra pain being a big, hard, heavy ball of pain.  How can I love myself if I want to make myself suffer so much that I wish illness on myself.  What would that solve.

Worse part is there is a part of me that knows I don't deserve to suffer.... I think.  Logically.  Emotionally not.  Comes to - how do I love myself?  I know logically, I've read all the how to's on loving self, why to love self, why to love my body.  But emotionally.......

Suffering and pain are not the same to me. I don't like to suffer physically.  I'm not one that wants pain in my body.  It is very frustrating when I can't get my body to do things.  Like walk the dog, do the snow shoveling, work in the garden, clean the house.  I push myself to do those things, and AJ tells me not to because I need to rest due to health issues.  So the suffering has to do emotionally more then anything.  Maybe spiritually too.

I keep thinking of the bible and how it talks of suffering.  That Jesus suffered.  Not that I'm anywhere near being that kind of person!  But I bet Jesus suffered and then let it go.  That's the trick.  Let it go.

When I let it go, it turns into appearing uncaring, uninterested, hard hearted.  It's too overwhelming if I go beyond myself's suffering.  I look at the world and what happens in it and I get lost in all that suffering pain that's expressed.  From abuse to others, to children, homelessness, animal abuse, ripping of trees, when I eat turkey... I can't think of those things.  I heard they found out that plants feel pain when they are eaten too.  It makes me want to not exist.  To disappear.... to be dead.  The suffering that is in the world is immense.  

So do something about it.  A drop in the bucket is still a drop I tell myself.  And I get taken advantage of, lied to, clawed for more.  I can't breathe.  It's not enough.  I step back and delete myself from all but that little drop.

When I look at it logically, intellectually, it pulls me away.  I don't feel the suffering or anything like what I wrote.  I'm able to step out of it by ? not feeling? Makes living more manageable for me until it hits again.  That being said I do laugh, smile and enjoy things/ people.  Until the realization comes around that it's not enough love or caring or healing expressed from me.

Jesus suffered.  One suffers for their 'art'.  Suffering shows us ourselves.  But in all of that there is an out or insight or a letting go.  Brings about some success.  I don't see that in me.  That's my failure.  I suffer yet nothing from it.  It doesn't spur me to greater heights.  To achieving goals.  To end the cycle.  Somewhere along the line I looped instead.  I'm thinking that goes way, way back to the start of me where little me was unable to do anything then about the suffering.  The repeated pattern is so ingrained that I don't know how to change it or me.  I don't know what it looks like.

What does unsuffering look like?  Feel like?  Where is the ability to know how to help heal without being taken advantage of? Or get swallowed in it?  How does one move from a place they have always been into a place that is amoeba like? 

Writing that makes me wonder if I'm afraid to step off the cliff.  I don't think I am.  Yes, I'd like to know where I'm stepping, but if it requires me to just step..... I'm willing, as best I can be.  I want to be.  Which makes me wonder why am I sitting here................