Nighttime Thoughts

The joys of waking up at like 2am and my brain starts motoring......  I write truly inspiring, fascinating, insightful stuff for my blog.  Yeah.  And then when I get out of bed, shower, feed everyone, walk the dog, do the laundry, get groceries, clean the poop (yes, that's something I have to do daily!) ... etc etc. I totally forget what I was going to write about and all those intense emotional written stories are long gone out of my head.

True, I could get up and start writing at 2am, but seriously, it's 2am!!!  I want to sleep.  Sleep eludes me often, so when I get it I try to get as much that night as I can.  Sadly that's all I remember I wanted to write!!  ha ha ha.  😜 

Onward.

I've been reading those books I ordered and mentioned before.  I finished The Stranger in the Woods.  Was about Christopher Knight, true story, enjoyable.

I started Thins No One will tell Fat girls by Jes Baker.  She writes the blog  http://www.themilitantbaker.com/   So far I have only read the intro and chapter 1.  She wrote about beautiful and pretty and that made me laugh as before I read that I was looking at myself in the mirror the last few weeks and thinking I missed the boat.  I feel like I never really got the beautiful place in looks.  Yes, there were times when, in my head, I thought I made beautiful or at least pretty as I was now 180 lbs, had my hair done, and finger nails polished.  I finally arrived.  Though at this point I don't know where I thought I arrived - other then now I was acceptable.

I have spent my life looking and trying to be acceptable.  Isn't that stupid!  (This will eventually go into the other book I started reading last night). 

I look in the mirror now and sigh.  My hair is thin, fine, very short (got it trimmed the other day as it was not doing anything and I hoped trimming would help.  Which it has, but it's very short again), lays flat and close to my head.  It's thinning a lot.  I have 2 semi-bald spots.  Front and back.  The colour, which I did the other week, is a nice brown and I got a box of highlighting that I will will do some point this week. But I still see myself as just unpretty.  As Jes writes we talk about how wonderful we are inside, which I know I am, but we don't accept the outside body look.  AJ keeps says I should go and have my nails done as it would make me happy.  And instead of me going to the store and buying fake nails, he says to go to the shop and have them professionally done.  I'm trying to feel worthy of doing that.  Isn't that stupid too?  Just go.

She writes on stats: and ten yr olds are more afraid of being fat then cancer, war or losing both their parents.  (Also) We commit suicide.  And sadly, there is case after case of this:  people who would rather die than live in the body the world has told them is inferior.   How sad, and for me how true.

I grew up believing the only way I would be acceptable was to be thin and beautiful.  Something I perceived I never achieved.  And now?  In some ways I feel it's too late.  I'm calmer on it and when I look in the mirror I do still see and hear flaws, but then I work at overriding those thoughts with more loving ones.  Not easy to believe.