I grew up believing in God. As I grew my understanding of God changed, but I have always believed in God without any doubt. I knew God loved and wanted me.
When I got involved with AA I learnt more about my feelings and belief in God. One thing that really grew stronger was how much I knew God loved me and how much I could depend / trust / believe in God. I could stand on my head in complete trust in God. I spoke beyond strongly on my belief and trust in God. Being Lutheran there was/is Jesus and Holy Spirit too.
Towards the end of AA - as in me continuing going - I felt a bit lost from God and lacking in spiritual insights or connection so I went to a retired Priest to ask for guidance. Sounds like a good idea right? I mean, it's a Priest, it's about God, it's about connecting with God.
I said I felt a bit lost from God, a longing to be more connected with God, to feel the Holy Spirit more. His response: Who are you to think that God wants to connect with you? You are just to love God and not want more. God can decide if God wants to be with you. You are not to ask or want God. I crumpled. I was stunned. I was heart broken. I was abandoned.
There are no words to explain how I felt when he talked. There were no words to explain my feelings. I didn't know if I should just get up and leave as there was no point anymore - God didn't want me. The Priest continued but I didn't hear too much after that. He did eventually stop talking and I asked a few more questions - which I don't remember as all I was trying to figure out was how to leave. Don't know why I thought I needed to continue to be polite.
I did leave of course. Soon after I slowly stopped going to meetings too. I just couldn't, besides I was dating AJ - and he wanted me.
I couldn't go to church either. All I could do was think and feel unwanted by God. I was unable to feel wanted for a long time.
Eventually I did start to talk to others - months later, as I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what the Priest had said. Especially because I had tooted the God horn loudly and often before. I was so sure, and now I was so not sure. Others (AA friend from church, pastor from church, few others who believed in God) all told me the same thing - God did love me, and God did want me. No one could understand what the Priest was trying to do or prove. Some said he was sent by the devil to confuse me. (Worked well)
I slowly started believing in God again. I never completely stopped, just didn't know what to think or feel. But sadly, my belief has never come up to where it was before, or even close to it.
I still believe in God... but more on the Divine Spirit / Energy Light. I still pray. I still long for God again. I just don't have a comforting connection of trust and security and love. Word wise I know God loves me.... I guess. I miss having that deep hugging security wrapping around me in times of anything going on.
I wonder as I pray for help and guidance if God is listening and caring. I like to believe God is. Easier for me to think Divine Spirit guides me. There is an emptiness inside me at times, especially at night when I'm feeling lonely. That emptiness never fills as there's a questioning, halting stall that doesn't allow me to feel warmly, lovingly embraced.
That all being said, I still do believe there is a God..... a Divine Spirit. To that, I pray and find some comfort.
I'm not drawn to going to church anymore. That God is and feels too small and limiting now. I do miss the people that are in church, but not enough to go and sit there. The speeches are void for me even though I'm ok with the belief.
What about Us? Well, that's the song by Pink. And every time I hear it I think it is about God. That makes me think for me, to think that, it's the highest height of arrogance to believe or think that I would be higher then God, able to tell God what to do. It's not that I believe that - be it God or Divine Spirit (that I am higher, or able to tell what to do) It's just there's something about the song that makes me think it's about God, and I don't really know why. Maybe I should go look at her video on it. That might help.
And it makes me long to be closer to God........sigh.
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