That morning I had fed the pets, walked the dog, (met Monica on the walk and walked with her around the block), put out the sprinkler, made breakfast/ate, moved sprinkler, then watered rest of the gardens, tidied up/did dishes, cleaned the cat litter, we then went to the bank, library (just to drop off books), Giant Tiger (found cushions for the couch to help raise us up a bit, helps with getting up off the couch), then to Walmart - groceries and soil, came home, put stuff away, made/ate lunch, got the laundry together into the wash..... I was done.
Yet, I still ended up putting the laundry in the dryer, taking out the soil and moving it to the back, making a simple dinner. Guess one just can't be done adulting, or at least I can't!
I love how his little butt and back legs wiggle when he runs!
Finally rained Sunday afternoon. Then it got humid again. Ugh.
I was talking with AJ Saturday night, saying that something occurred to me that I was going to talk with Joan on Thursday about.
On AJ's birthday we had gone to the museum on the Secret Societies and I was thinking of seeing about joining one, if I could. Thought of either Rebkeh House or Eastern Star. Then as I thought, I could feel this sense of no way, don't, can't join, can't be pulled in, can't completely follow the beliefs.
It wasn't that their beliefs are out of alignment with mine, they are basically similar, but that I just couldn't see me being willing to completely follow. And that made me think, all the way back to childhood - to girl guides, to church, to AA/OA etc. As I talked with AJ, I realized how much I just couldn't follow blindly in a group. It was like I was afraid of being brain washed as if a cult. Unable to let go of that control of decision.
The thing is, most of the groups I do believe what they stand for. So it's weird that I can't connect, unwilling to connect, and I guess why I feel I don't belong, or leave after a few meetings. I'm unwilling to jump in and go with it.
Makes me think of Liz and how she completely went into AA. I had known her for years, and as she got involved with AA...suddenly everything was AA. Everything in her life revolved around how she use to drink. For the years she came to see me, every week, she or we never drank. Where was this drinking for her then? Of all the stories she wrote, talked etc - not one every even semi related to a time with me. Of all the amends she made - she never made one to me, even to say a blank apology. It's like our time never existed and she was/is (is) completely and totally appearing to me, brain washed in AA. Now, that's my take totally. For all I know, she could have been a raging alcoholic before I met her, tho in our talks over all those weekly years, she never talked about them. And we talked of everything.
Going back to cult washing, when I read her stories - we didn't talk anymore, but still f/b friends, they just appeared so totally different then the person I knew. It was like she had to follow that belief or else she didn't belong. Now I have no idea where / what she thinks as there are no posts on f/b from her anymore - or she blocked me.
It's like when I went to RH and totally wanted to belong and believe as therefore I could probably loss weight and never touch no-no foods again - that I would be so convinced that I couldn't have them. I just couldn't get to the complete give up control/belief.
Maybe that's the same with God. I just can't seem to totally give up control to God, even tho I want to....no, wait, that I would like to.
There's something about being in a group that I hold back. I am fearful of trusting, believing, letting go. And it doesn't matter what kind of group it is. Actually, I don't think it even matters if it's a group. Maybe it is just fearful of trusting, believing and letting go of control. Huh. Either way, something to talk with Joan about.
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