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Yeah so that other one was a kinda on the down side.  Then again, part of my traveling in my head.

Joan ended up emailing that she wanted to talk with me.  Which we connected.  She spoke of what I had written.  Said that there was something about fear, and a bit of a victim feeling.  Yup.

Then we talked about the Douglas house.  I started to explain the basement, the fears, the memories I do have, and the undesire to go back there.

As I talked of how I would 'see' animals that were scary, of the lion in the kitchen, the bear behind my mother, the alligator under the crib, and the cutting of my toe - that in the morning there was blood on the sheets but nothing that could cut me there.  I explained even my mother heard the loin in the kitchen and would not let me go to the washroom for almost an hour.  Those were a few things.

Then I explained how my father built me a bedroom in the basement and my mother knew she had to wait until I got into my room and I was safe (she would ask) before turning off the lights.  I was totally in for the night - no bathroom during the night.  We had a deaf, white cat that I would keep with me.  It would freak me out when I would be in my bed quietly reading and the cat sleeping.....then suddenly the cat would jump up and slowly go to the door, stare under it for the longest while, then eventually slowly come back to bed.  I would hear things walking outside of my door and just totally hide under the covers.  So glad we moved from that house.

She said it was totally understandable that I would not want to bring that forward, and she would look into it, but she also felt it was a negative portal.

About the broken krazy glue - she explained that wasn't the case.  I was original and whole.  Not to go into that thinking.  I get it.  Negative thinking.  She said to everyday think on 3 things that I wasn't disappointed in.  Like how much AJ loves me, how wonderful my pets are, how much I enjoy the backyard.

As far as talking about what we (AJ and I) are going to do if we can't afford this house - skip that thinking and just believe we live here completely, joyfully, and easily - that we can totally afford to easily live here and maintain the house.

Much a better thinking then the other post, right?

Then I had some thoughts when I went to bed (the night before my 55th birthday).......