So the night before my birthday I went to bed and as I was starting to sleep, it occurred to me..... I wonder if my weight has to do with belief. Belief System. Ok.... so is it that I am believing that I can't be slim? Or is it that I am believing that I need/must be overweight? Which one? Which way?
I thought about it, as a child I know there were adults that would comment on how chubby I was. So maybe that's it? Believing them and therefore I'm overweight. Then I thought, maybe because I was told I wasn't as skinny as my sister - and that caused a belief that I can't be skinny.
As I thought on this, I could see me standing by the school wall. I went to a small school close to the house for the first 3 grades. Kindergarten was at another one far away, which afterwards I had to go when they closed the small school for the grades 4 to 8.
Back to the small school. I was in grade 1? or grade 2, doubt it was grade 3, and I had been playing at recess with the others. Until this point I had usually played with the other kids and not thinking about it. I wasn't overly included, but I wasn't completely excluded, and didn't feel overly unwanted. I didn't realize I think until this point - and it came to a kill standing by the wall.
I couldn't figure out how this image worked with the thought of belief weight. I could see how it related to socializing, and in time how I had pulled back from making friends etc. Eventually I fell asleep, when I woke during the night, the image came back and again I couldn't connect it, and slept.
I was up and brushing my teeth, looking at myself in the mirror, and wondered again as the image came back.
Then I remembered, and understood how it connected. I saw her. (me)
Fatty.
I had been playing and I think I couldn't run or jump or some sport thing that they were playing and they told me I couldn't play with them because I was fat etc. I went and stood by the wall watching them and I was feeling so dejected, unwanted, shocked at what they had told me - there aren't words to explain that pain I felt, how it affected me, how it killed me.
As I showered I thought and talked to that little girl by the wall. I went and talked. I came to understand that I had created a belief of being overweight because they had told me - and then throughout school I was teased on my weight. Really I was just chubby, not that overweight, but it really imprinted onto me - that belief that I was fat, overweight - and things that went with it. Stupid, lazy, slow, dumb, etc.
I saw how I also gave them my power.
As I talked with little wall me, I strived to explain and show her that she didn't need to believe them, give them her power, take that on. It was a long time with her - I needed to show her my life now, what happened, explain that she could have the power back and keep it for things that would come up and she would still have to go thru. She didn't believe me I think that she could change.
I kept coming up against truth - in that I couldn't lie to her. I couldn't say that things would be better or perfect, because I know there was so much more that came over the years
Took her thru the whole morning with me, explaining how far away we live now from them, there, parents. Amazing hubby and pets. That I drive the car. Took her to breakfast.
I also showed her that yes, even backwards now, to her taking back her power would help not only me from this point forward, but that it helped throughout my life because - her taking back her power kept me from dying all those times in my life that I wanted to give up. I had the power then when I didn't know why I had the power to continue because from this point she took back her power. Oh, does that sound confusing? Follow it tho?
I told AJ this as we went to drop Jax off at daycare, and said if it changes me as to how I look at my weight, food, eating and those things change for the better.... then it truly is a gift.
I needed to talk with her for a few days after, explaining power and belief system, and how things would change from this point forward and how her changing did change bits in my life at points. I sat at the wall for a long time holding her and talking. And then I asked her if she wanted to go play with the others - but with knowing her own power and beliefs. She went, they tried to shun her and call her names, and she stood and gave it back to them. Asked them why and how she was different then they were with all their issues. They couldn't answer.
When I go back and look, she's not at the wall. She's off playing and jumping rope. I wave and send her hugs. She smiles and continues to play.
Since then, I have noticed I am happier. I'm calmer. I'm better with foods - not that they are totally in order, but that I feel different towards it, and I feel different towards myself. I have noticed I have stopped when I felt an old belief and loss of power appear, and changed my thoughts towards it. I also am listening to binaural beats on power/beliefs.
I also found a new tattoo because of this..... made an appointment for end of July.
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