Secrets

Booked to see Dr Poon.  Worked for November 1 at 1055am.  Excellent!  That's not a secret.........

I was driving and listing to the radio, they were playing Alessia Cara's "Scars To Your Beautiful".  It touches me deeply.  I get drawn into the words, especially as she sings of cutting, wanting to be beautiful, being unnoticed, starving to be acceptable being blind to her light, etc.  Understand I have NEVER cut myself, but..... as a teen I would line my legs with spoons.  Just like knowing I can't drink without experience, I knew I wasn't to cut myself - that would show marks that I would have needed to explain, and that I wouldn't be able to explain to my parents.  It would have caused me more stress and pain that I was living in.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have very many years of healing, and don't have any desire or thoughts of cutting etc anymore.  Those days are long, long gone.  It's interesting though how easy it is to be drawn into an emotion.  My heart and empathy goes to those women - young or older - who still live in that shadow of life believing in others instead of themselves, unable to see their own light and beauty.

I recognize in myself how easy it is to be pulled into that negative darkness.   That's where a secret lay.  I need to remember not that past, but the present and future.  Of being in the light, aligned with Divine Spirit.  Focusing on the positive and the good that is within me.  Many might not see me in light, but I know I am - it's not the other's or their beliefs - it's mine that matters most to me. With that, it includes my looks and feelings of my body and weight.

Past eating doesn't mean present eating reasons.  Honestly, my eating craving of now are more of desire for the food, and the body trigger craving,  then because of what was eating me like in the past.  It's been like that for years.  After I got very, very ill during the time of my getting married, I went back to eating because it was easier for me then to - control is not the right word, but the only one I can think of at the moment - control my foods.  I felt so ill and in pain physically, I just didn't want to focus on the foods - I wanted to just eat and not think of it.  It's taken me almost 8 years to get to this point where I know I need to do this again, for the last time, and accept that certain foods are just not for
me.

So, even though I like Scars To Your Beautiful, I run and look towards the Divine Light - it's a better place to live.  May you live in your light too.