Perception

Those are my latest tattoos.

AJ and I never have fought.  We've squabbled, snipped, grumbled... we've been married for 9 yrs, and together for 10 yrs.  But never yelled, screamed, thrown fought.  Yesterday... no, not fought, I was so exhausted, crushing chest pain all day, difficulty breathing and we went out back in the evening to drink our tea.

I put on the sprinkler as we watched it, Jax went to check very carefully the one sprinkler.  It was so funny, I wish I had my phone to video it.  AJ said he wasn't getting wet from the middle sprinkler.  I said he was as it went around... he said, no it doesn't.  I said yes it does, trust me, I know, I've gotten wet because of it.  No, it doesn't.  TRUST ME IT DOES!!!  I lost it.  AJ tends not to believe or trust me, even after 10 yrs of 90% of the time being right.  I made him hobbled down with his walker, on his own, and.....he got wet.

Oh. Sorry, you were right.

I bitched, really bitched about him not trusting or believing me.  In his perception tho, with his eyesight it looked like it only went back and forth, not around.  I really do understand that.  Most times I squawk and laugh.  Not this time.  All I could think was you never (not true) believe me. I said you f*ken never believe me... actually I almost yelled that.  I think I was in so much pain and exhausted from the day, but it still wasn't right to take it out on AJ.  That was totally wrong.  He didn't yell back, he didn't say much but tried to explain his view and thought, I cut him off.  I just didn't want to hear it.  We sat in silence for almost half an hour.  I did quietly say - why don't you go downstairs and watch TV.  He said he'd sit with me.  After a while he said he was going in.  Ok.

I think that was the worse and first angry argument, maybe fight, we have ever had.  And it was angry argument on my side, not AJ's.  I couldn't take it for that moment that he just could not, or would not believe me.  Even knowing his eyes don't see right, he still wasn't willing to say or believe that I was right.  It wasn't right as in my ego, but right as in I knew it went around, and I was saying truth fact.  I just at that moment couldn't understand why he refused to believe me.

When he went in, I sat there still patting Jax.  During the silence, Jax had come and wanted up onto my lap about a second after I so strongly felt - I wish I was dead.  That I was holding everything inside me together to not eliminate myself.  It was a bit surprising how intense that feeling was coming over me.  It took a while for that overwhelming sadness and disappointment in self, in my life, to move thru.  As I stroked Jax, I knew it was him that was keeping me here and together.  AJ would miss me.  Moonbeam is slowly getting older/sicker.  And Princess, who needs me, would be ok with AJ.  It would be Jax that would have the hardest time - and Jax that makes me stay when I want to run.

I went in a bit later, texted AJ I wish I could make him happy.  Fed the pets, and went to bed.  AJ came up a while later, asked if I was asleep.  Yes, I am.  He wanted to talk about the email.  He said he wanted to stay with me and that he loved me.

I could not understand.  He. Loved. Me. ??????  How????  Why????  I could not grasp the concept that he loved me.  I could not get the fact of being loved.  He loved me?  He wanted to stay with me?  I don't understand.  Love me?

I thought about it as he got ready for bed.

I thought about love.  I thought about the feeling of BEING loved.  I couldn't get that feeling of being loved.  I knew when I was younger that my mother loved me... faulty, with manipulations, control and fears of her own that changed.  Her love was conditional and lost when I choose to be married instead of staying with her.  It changed then to - your sister and the boys / the boys are more important and all that matter, with your illness I don't care or worry about, your sister could die and she has the boys......  So, I came to understand although she loves me to a point.  And my father's love.... that's just totally f*cked up and unexplainable.   

Being loved?

I still am struggling with the idea that AJ loves me / being loved by him / feeling loved.  I think it's the last one - feeling loved - that I just can't wrap my head around.  That's a crack of light that is showing me, that I am struggling with me feeling me loving me.  I can say I love myself.  I can believe I love myself.  I can do loving and caring things for myself.  But feel I love myself?  What does a love feeling... feel like?????????  I love AJ.  I love my pets.  I love others.  

Wait... do my pets love me or is it just they depend on me?  Is it love I feel from them or just trust that they depend on me?  Especially Moonbeam.  I feel like I'm failing him.  I should bring him to the vet and have them do blood work and xrays etc.  Every time I think to do that, we don't have the money, and what if there's nothing but old age?  Few years ago I thought he wasn't doing well and took him to do tests - nothing but $$$$$$ spent.  Do I do it again?  If we had extra money to do it, I would, just to know.  I get close to saying to AJ I should bring him.... and then I don't.  I'm afraid too.  Afraid he's going.  So now I feel like I'm failing him....how can he love me then?

This morning?  Yes we are peaceful together.  I talk with AJ.  He wants kisses and hugs - which I give and accept from him.  I know he loves me...... I just wonder if I can find that feeling in me - of being loved.