So with him in BC this weekend. I'm missing him. So much that I was getting very stressed yesterday when he left. Stood in Walmart in Sarnia and emailed Joan because I didn't know what else to do.
Hi Joan
I've been tapping. Today I am currently in Sarnia (appointment) and now trying to control shop.
I'm having a meltdown and trying to hold it together.
AJ is just now in Toronto getting ready to fly.
I am NOT afraid he's going to die/crash etc.
I'm crying ugly inside at the fact that he is gone away and will not be there when I get home. Trouble breathing and spacey. I understand this is anxiety.
Is this the block? Abandonment and left? Tho that's not much on rage. I can barely get to the feelings.
I will tap this when I get home. I'm really trying to work on this all.
Hugs
Later driving home, something occurred to me:
Me again.
I just realized driving home this afternoon, no it's not exactly abandoned.
I thought on it and had thoughts about:
- not being able to talk
- not being heard / listened to / believed
- judgmental of others because they are wrong (still don't know exactly how this one works)
- not being able to tell
- being hurt (physical and emotional)
When I got home I thought:
- I despise people
- I hate them for above
- hate them for leaving me alone / in danger
Is this closer to the block?
hugs
Granted despising people is general - but more because of it being people who do the hurting and leaving me in danger, as a child. I don't despise people overall. It's a specific feeling.
Today I'm a bit better. Had trouble sleeping and got up at midnight, did a few tappings and went to sleep.
Today I went out for lunch with Moncia. Was nice. I like her. Funny I was telling her of my interest in moving to Sarnia. I explained because I feel like this town is.... and SHE said snobbish? I laughed, yes. The people here are nice, but in some ways it's not a nice town.
She said that it wasn't me. It is this town, it's not a really nice town. It was worse years ago, and even tho there are more people in it now, it's still a snobbish unfriendly town. She's been here for over 20 yrs. I'm glad it's not me! Makes me wanting to move out feel better. But I know too, that we are not moving for the time being as selling a year after moving in isn't a wise $$ move.
Had the new cleaners come in this morning. I liked them, but the place wasn't that clean. The one I don't like did a much better job cleaning. I did go walk Jax while they were cleaning so I can't say if they did vacuum. After they left, I looked at the floor and there was stuff on it. I got out my vacuum and it was filled - so did they vacuum? There were hairs in the sink and it wasn't that clean....did they use just one cloth to clean everything? Told AJ that I would give them one more chance and that I would watch closer next time. I will say something before they leave next time, and it might be.... I'll need to find another person! Ugh.
I talked with AJ last night and this morning. He was getting ready to visit his friend and go around town, then dinner at Mike's home. I'm so glad he gets to visit with his friend as he hasn't seen him in over 15 years.
I'm done adulting today. And it's only 330pm. I don't really know what else to do today. Too humid to cut grass. Besides, yeah, chest hurts. Guess I'm just missing AJ.
Oh and the appointment in Sarnia - was the sleep clinic. I have a choice. If I sleep on my back - I have sleep apnea. On my side - I'm fine. I could have a machine if I wanted and I could sleep on my back or I could sleep on my side.... and lose weight. Duh. Guess what I'm choosing. No, not the machine!
Better go tap on something.
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