Suffer

I have two thoughts.... but I promised to write about what insights I had.  So that one wins today.

It's still a bit of just points.  I really don't know what more to do about them.

As I thought, I came up with:

- ! despise people (as I wrote earlier)
- because they did/do a half - assed job of caring for me.  (as a child)
- they leave me unable to cope with things.  (never really learned how to deal with things, or how to trust in myself)
- they leave me without the ability or skills or tools to handle things on my own
- and then they get mad/angry at me for doing things wrong.


I despise people: 
- they lie to me
- they tell me 'stories'
- they take away my power
- they destroy my truths
- they feed me lies
- they hurt me/ hunt me down
- they hold me down and back
- they create me ugly
- I despise their control over me
- they make me do things/ their way
- they destroy the light in me / try to destroy the light in me

Later as I thought on all this, the more I viled myself, wanting to hurt myself for despising people.  

Then I thought - things aren't working as they are suppose to - everything is wrong, even I am wrong in what I do/am.

Kinda ended up here and left it for a day.

Next day I got back to doing some tapping.  Found one on toxins, and then 2 more that I did.  I thought ok, enough, but then I scrolled thru and thought only if I find one I'm really interested in doing.......

Suffer.

Hum.  Keep scrolling.  No, wait, go back.  Hum.

Now, doing these tappings I'd get some feeling with them and thought yeah, that one is hitting a spot.  I wasn't sure on the Suffer one, but I decided to do it.

As I started I was fine, as I continued, I was bawling.  Never have I cried over / doing a tapping.  Finished and was calmer.

Later I went and sat outside and wondered why / what happened.  I know when I was saying people, I was also adding in animals.

I thought on that too.  I pictured my mother telling me that as I little child we had a cat for a while.  It was a Tom Cat.  She would comment that we had it and then trail off about it.  When I had asked what happened to that Tom cat, she would mumble about it wasn't there as it was an outside cat....  I don't remember this cat at all.

Then I felt / wondered / saw my mother talking and mumbling off the end.  What really happened to Tom cat?  Why don't I remember this cat?  And then.....then I realized my father was there.  What did he do?  I can see that my father would have kicked / hit / grabbed and thrown a cat because it did something in the house or just because my father was pissed off over something and taking it out on the cat that happened to be there at that moment.  

Did I see this?  Is this something that has been deep inside me and is involved with despising people.  Unable to defend myself because what happened to the cat could happen to me? 

That was the end of it.  Nothing since then.