Rambling Thread

Woke up the other day in a 'sensitive' mood. At breakfast I asked AJ how he slept as it appeared to me he was restless.  He said he was wake for a long while.  He never had that problem before the CPAC mask..... but if he doesn't use it I couldn't sleep. (because of all his loud snoring).  He said the doc told him he had very mild apena.  Now this isn't the first time he's told this story.  I said so again you blame me, if it wasn't for me you'd be sleeping fine.  He said no.... I said you blame me, admit it.  No.....  I said you consider it my fault other wise you wouldn't say it like that.  I knew I was taking it over personally. But I also know that I'm right.  He wont admit it because then I would be right, hurt and he'd feel bad that I would feel hurt.  Even though at this point I think he needs it more then he did 10 years ago due to his age and health.

Then we went out and he started squawking about my parking, that I had parked too close to the line on his side.  Never mind that the lot is full of snow, the car beside me is off line.  I said so you blame me for the parking.  No.......  That was kinda the end of that.

I know I was already on edge and in a semi pissy mood.  Just one of those moments.  But still I would rather have a pissy day with AJ then no day with AJ.  I know when we married I wanted as much time together as we could have.  And when I got so very ill, unable to work etc, all I thought was it gives us time together.

When I was about 16-17 yrs old, I took the train to Toronto for an appointment with a physic who did hands/palm reading.  He was VERY good.  I wish I remembered who he was, and all he said.  Those journals are gone.  But there are pieces that I remember.  He said that if I had one child, which I would have very early in life, then I would have another right away.  If I did not have the first child, there would be no children in my life.....except there seems to be something about a girl in my 30's.  It's not my daughter, but something like that...fostering?  He wasn't sure.  He also said that my husband would get very ill, possibility of dying when I was around 62 yrs old.  And I would never have money myself, but could get money thru my children and husband, possibly my sister. Sister is never going to give or loan me money, and I have no children.  AJ isn't rich, but we get by ok.

About the children - almost had the first one, which would have given me the second one.  Never happened.  But in my 30's I did World Vision and 'adopted' a girl for about 7 years, until I got very ill, and we couldn't afford to continue that.

When we moved here, and I first saw Anne-Marie she said we would move in 8 years.  I asked if that move was us or me.  She couldn't see.  I had quickly added when she said that.  54 (my age now) plus 8 equals.......62.

AJ is a hot mess.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  

Looks like my blood work is coming back fine.  Still waiting for a few results, but the Metho is working, and I'm ok.  Good thing because if I was ill then it would be:
Me caring for me, and caring for the pets, and caring for AJ with AJ's help.

If AJ just ill:
Me caring for me, and caring for the pets, and caring for ill AJ.

And if it was me and AJ ill:
Me caring for me, and caring for the pets, and caring for AJ while me being ill......

AJ's blood work is coming back with highs and lows so much that I can't even begin to read them together.  We go to the doc on Feb 6 for the results.  Sounds like his one remaining kidney is having issues.

I want as many days with AJ as I can have, get, steal then spend any time without him, or not talking with him.  So even though I have my days, I do my best to quickly get over it because I know I love him,and it's really not worth it.  It's just a quirky issue I'm having at the moment.  Besides I know I'm right about the mask for him....