AJ had a bit of a challenging day on Thursday.
Before Christmas he went for a biopsy on his chest. The surgeon picked out a bit of a mole/mark on his upper right chest. Then last week we got a call to come in for a follow up. Cool, ok, no problem. We went on Thursday to the hospital to see the doctor and hear what he had to say.
Doc comes in, gets out a razor and says he's going to shave AJ's chest a bit. Ok, I thought (and AJ thought) he wants to get a closer look at how it was doing. He shaves a lot.....uh... I think, he knows he did the biopsy right? he's not going to do it again is he? So I say - so what did the results that you took say? He starts shoving needles into AJ's chest.
He says - oh, it's cancer, but we caught it early. Shock to both of us as he continues. Finally he says he's going to cut more out. And starts - AJ says yes he can feel the cut, so more needle, still can feel the cutting...more needle... doc says he'll be back in 5 mins to let it freeze a bit more. Seriously! Couldn't you wait to let it freeze before cutting him? Even the dentist waits a bit!!!!!
I'm fine with blood, surgery, pus, etc. But because I was a bit pukey before we even got there, and the sudden shock of AJ's skin cancer, and my anxiety, I started getting nauseaed. More so because of the smell of the antiseptic. I went to the washroom to pee, my face was white, then I felt better. I walked back into the room.... the smell... I thought I'd toss. I sat down, watched him cut out a chunk of AJ's chest - no problem, saw all the blood - no problem, the cauterizing and smoke - no problem. But that smell of antiseptic. I had to leave again. Nurse came to check on me - yeah I'm fine. I worked 10 years in emergency - granted as a clerk, but still there was a lot of all that stuff around that never bothered me. Went back in as the nurse was finishing up. Went home.
Both of us were very, very upset with the doctor and his attitude. AJ was upset at feeling the cutting. We both were extremely upset that the doc didn't say what the results were, just started shaving/cutting without talking to us, letting us know what was happening, giving us a minute to digest, and explain what would happen. Have to go back in 3 weeks to get the stitches out. Oh, and when he was finishing he 'forgot' to stitch inside before he started cauterizing as the nurse wasn't there. Said to the nurse never mind I can't see where anymore anyway.
This was around 1pm. During dinner at 6pm, AJ went to the washroom and looked at his chest. Called me. There was a lot of blood under the bandage. I wasn't totally sure if I should just pull it off and see... so I said let's go to urgent care. Which then said no, go to the emergency. 4 hours later the doctor agreed with me. I had said I should have just pulled off the bandage and got out the glue gun. He went and got some glue and put it on. Was a nice doctor, gave us an extra bandage and gauze. Explained to put on pressure and it should be ok. He mumbled about the stitching. I personally thought it was a lousy job. AJ will have a little lump where some of the skin is together.
AJ's right side is really taking a beating. First the stroke affects his total right side. Then he has two surgeries on his hip, his appendix out, kidney out, skin cancer now and lately he's been having trouble standing up because of thigh pain/muscle weakness.... all this on his right side.
As we sat in the hospital room I said to AJ that this is where I feel I should have known better as to what to do. I should have just dealt with it at home, or I should have made them take him in urgent care. I should have known what to do. This is where shame comes in - the should have is made personal to me as in it makes me feel I'm stupid/worthless/dumb as apposed to not knowing what to do and going to emergency. He said he didn't get it - why should/would I know what to do? How would I know what to do? I just looked at him and said because I should know. Why? Because.....because.......because..... I thought of an example i use often to explain my father:
As a child I would put a glass on the table in a certain way, and it would be fine. The next day I would put the same glass on the table in the exact same way - and I would get smacked/ yelled at. I couldn't figure out why one day it was fine and the other it wasn't or what was different. All I knew was I did something wrong, and I should have known what it was! I should have known what to do right. Only someone stupid wouldn't have guessed/ figured it out before getting yelled at - and I'm stupid / worthless / dumb... I shouldn't exist if I don't know before hand what to do.
Yes, in some ways I know it's old stuff and it's not true. But when it comes to others, or something important, I still struggle some with it and the feelings. I still want to have the answers/ to know what to do / to be able to be right in what choices I take/decide on.
It;s why I start micro managing things with AJ. Taking his card, talking to the receptionist/nurse/doc etc. I feel I'm able to do these things, I know what to do.
Now, if only I knew what to do to help AJ deal with his right side. And his thigh muscle.....
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