Is that what I am
deeply not seeing in myself? I know a few nights ago Shame floated a bit
in my mind before I slept. I thought I wonder if I kept those papers from
a book I got about Shame when I was involved with SLAA. A member gave me
the book to read and I copied informative pages. In a fluke I took my
rarely used tablet and opened it on, it required a lot of updates, one of them
a mediation stress release CD. I looked at it - it had release from Fear,
Anger, Jealousy, Shame and a few more. I read the Shame one for some
reason and it reminded me.... is this something I need to look more into.
Of course that release one was 'locked' and I wasn't going to pay for it.
I'm ashamed.
When I look in the mirror and see my reflection - I'm ashamed. That's why
I don't want to exist; I don't want to see myself.
So onto the famous
web.......
Interesting to me
from Wikipedia about Shame:
Shame is a painful, social emotion that can be seen as
resulting "...from comparison of the self's action with the self's
standards...".[1] but which
may equally stem from comparison of the self's state of being with the ideal
social context's standard.
Thus, shame may stem from volitional action or simply self-regard; no
action by the shamed being is required: simply existing is enough.
A
"sense of shame" is the feeling known as guilt but "consciousness" or awareness of
"shame as a state" or condition defines core/toxic shame (Lewis,
1971; Tangney, 1998).
Two
realms in which shame is expressed are the consciousness of self as bad and self
as inadequate.[4] People
employ negative coping responses to counter deep rooted, associated sense of
"shameworthiness".[5]
A
"state of shame" is assigned internally from being a victim of
environment where the sense of self is stigmatized like being denigrated by
caregivers, overtly rejected by parents in favor of siblings needs, etc. and
the same is assigned externally, by others, regardless of one's own experience
or awareness.
According
to cultural anthropologist Ruth Benedict,
shame is a violation of cultural or social values while guilt feelings arise
from violations of one's internal values. Thus shame arises when one's
'defects' are exposed to others, and results from the negative evaluation
(whether real or imagined) of others; guilt, on the other hand, comes from
one's own negative evaluation of oneself, for instance, when one acts contrary
to one's values or idea of one's self.[8]
Psychoanalyst
Helen B. Lewis argued that, "The experience of shame is directly about the
self, which is the focus of evaluation.
"While
guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions,
shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."[10]
"Shame
is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split,' imagining the
self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the self is unified."[11]
In
this view, guilt is considered to be a learned behavior consisting essentially
of self-directed blame or contempt, with shame occurring consequent to such behaviors
making up a part of the overall experience of guilt.
Extreme
or toxic shame is a much more intense experience and one that is not
functional. In fact on this view toxic shame can be debilitating.
Simply
put: A person who feels guilt is saying "I did something bad.", while
someone who feels shame is saying "I am bad". There is a big
difference between the two.
Toxic shame: describes false, pathological shame,
and Bradshaw states that toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms
of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly
severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope
with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is
possible to cope with.[21]
Gershen Kaufman
summed up many of the consequences of shame in one paragraph of his book on the
psychology of shame:[22]
...shame is
important because no other affect is more disturbing to the self, none more
central for the sense of identity. In the context of normal development, shame
is the source of low self-esteem, diminished self image, poor self concept, and
deficient body-image. Shame itself produces self-doubt and disrupts both
security and confidence. It can become an impediment to the experience of
belonging and to shared intimacy....It is the experiential ground from which
conscience and identity inevitably evolve. In the context of pathological
development, shame is central to the emergence of alienation, loneliness,
inferiority and perfectionism. It plays a central role in many psychological
disorders as well, including depression, paranoia, addiction, and borderline
conditions. Sexual disorders and many eating disorders are largely disorders of
shame. Both physical abuse and sexual abuse also significantly involve shame.
Those two bolds are hitting something in me. AJ says that last one, which I read to him
(did not read the first one to him) sounds a lot like me.
Well, there I go…. Might be something to look into…..
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