Shame Insights

I've been pretty happy the last few days.  I did work on some shame issues, mediated etc on it.  And I got some insights, usually when I went to bed, and then had to get up to write them down. Ha ha ha.

First just a bit more information on shame:  some of the physical aspects are flushed face, eyes down, head down/bent over, hesitant speech.  These are aspects that I had/have (still the flushed face at times) especially as a child.

So what came up were:

Ashamed of how my body reacts sexually.
Ashamed of how it looks when I'm eating.  ( ? baby breast?)
Mother/breast/sex/food.  I wonder if there's something about when my mother breast fed me that I got feelings that it was semi-sexual for her?  ????

Ashamed of being exposed (my body exposed?)

And two of the biggest insights:
I am of no value therefore I eat foods of no nutritional value.
And
I am ashamed of myself/body: I eat foods that I'm ashamed of eating/appear shameful.

Other then those insights coming up, I haven't figured out what to do about them.

Some other stuff:
I had gotten rid of all my previous journals, even from childhood, all my writings etc.  One or two papers/books survived, one of them is from 2007 to 2012.  Mostly writings from courses that I had done.  I came across it the other night when I couldn't sleep.  Reading it I found I struggled with accepting myself then too.  Moreso on just accepting myself in general as apposed to what I'm writing about now and accepting my body.  Then it was about accepting my insides more.  I am better with that I think.

Other things that popped out:  There's a lot based on and in God that I had written and some of it is 'step work'.  Probably AA and OA and SLAA stuff.

Focus on what you want; not what you don't want.  Energy flows where intention goes.

Jung says - The addict is really looking for God, but somehow got off the path.

I can't control the outcome but I can control the path.

The real quality of the soul is revealed not in the way it yields to temptation, but in the way that it recovers from failure.

March 1/12 - Thought about how I have so many blood reports - always looking for what's wrong with me.  Cuz if there's something, then I can possibly be fixed.  If not, then I'm like 'this' and nothing can be done.  (that I think I struggle have in me)

Dr Lloyd says I'm not going to gain weight if I eat it; AA says I will never be able to stop.

I want calm, simple and peace; I create chaos, destruction and confusion.

I wonder if I still feel like I'm a mistake.

March 12/12 - Push it/them away.  Nothing is dependable.  Even God.  (I wonder if this is when I started turning away even more from God)

Messed up attachment issues at that time from what I wrote.

March 15/12 - I'm a cactus!!  Surprisingly good.  Cactus can survive drought/floods, protects itself, let's animals live in it - if the animal is compatible.  And cactus bloom beautifully when you don't notice/realize it. (this came up in therapy)  Side note about the cactus:  after that therapy session AJ and I went to the nursery and looked for cactuses.  I found a small round type one, a thin one with a red ball type on top of it, and a thin one with three stocks coming off of it.  I bought them all.  As we were driving home, we were talking of the cactuses.  Suddenly I started laughing and said - the three stock one is God (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit), the ball head one is you (AJ) and oh no, ha ha ha that means, of course the fat one is me! ha ha ha.  After a year the ball head AJ one fell over and I had to get rid of it.  After three years, the three stock had grown so much and I ended up giving it away.  I still have the fat one.  It's grown bigger, still round, but taller.....and no flowers - yet. 

Things about food/eating that came up in the last few days are:

My mother use to tell me; when she brought me home from the hospital and when I cried at night for food/feeding, she would start to get up but my father would tell her to get back into bed and ''let her cry''.  They would argue of course, and sometimes she would get up, other times not.

Years later, my father would shame me when I ate, and my mother would help him in her own way.

Standing looking at a dessert I was getting together for us (me and AJ) I focused on the emotion I was able to touch - came as shame/guilt/disgust/sadness which I felt in my throat and chest.

There you go; that's what has come up in the last few days.  Will continue to read on shame and see if I can connect with anything else.