The other morning I had a dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant, (but I was pregnant as in the past pregnant. Meaning: in real life when I was 19 I was pregnant, I was also on a lot of very heavy anti-depressant drugs that had serious side effects, and I lost the baby). So in my dream I was pregnant but I said to ??? that I didn't know if I should be pregnant as I was on medication and would I lose the baby again, but I really wanted the baby. I said I was going to ask Jacqui if the baby was going to be ok. I also said I didn't know if the baby was alive in me as I didn't feel it move. At that point the baby suddenly kicked me.
I felt it.
I mean, I literally felt it.
As in, from the inside of my non existent womb, I felt a baby kick me.
It was probably Princess walking on me at that moment and even though she walked on my lower stomach area, I felt it as it was from the inside as a kick.
It really felt like a baby's kick from the inside.
I then, in my dream, said I just felt the baby kick, he's alive. I'm going to keep him. I hope he's going to be ok. As I was still worried about the medication I had be on. I was thinking of the baby, of being pregnant, of having the baby, of the baby kicking..... I couldn't hold the dream and woke.
The dream still hasn't left me, I think because of the baby's kick and the feeling it. Although I can not physically have a pregnancy or baby there is still a small core in me that longs for one. It breaks my heart at times. And I look at AJ and can see what an amazing father he would / would have been/be. It hurts.
It hurts that I know years ago, when I was married and pregnant then that I was f*ked up. Even though I was married, we were living with my parents in the apartment and my mother would have in time taken over my baby. I also know the baby was a he. I think of him over the years. My mother at the time said she was ready to be a grandmother. I was having issues with my then husband - we fought a lot. I didn't really get along with my in-laws. Though they would have been the best ones to lean on with the baby - and might have saved him. I was so sick between the medications and morning sickness. Guess it was trying to get the drugs out of me. My body was trying to hold onto the baby...... until it wasn't able to. I was numb and never thought about it as I couldn't, so I just put it in a drawer in my mind just like a lot of other things in my past.
I still cry over him. I still cry over what I was like then. I still yearn for my baby. And those dreams don't leave me easily. This was the first time I felt the baby kick though. Never had that.
I know too that I probably wouldn't have been a good mother, especially since I probably would have let my mother control a lot of caring for the baby. My then husband would have been an ok father, but our marriage would have been a problem, and we probably would have had another child too. That's what we had planned - 2 children. If we would have divorced with the children, it wouldn't have been that great either. My children would have had a difficult life.
Being single there was at one point when I was 37 years old, that I told God that at this party I was going to - if I was to have a baby/child, then this was it - get me pregnant by anyone there. It didn't matter who. Of course, I didn't get pregnant, or have sex with anyone. And I shut off ever being a mother. At that point I would have been a better mother then at 19/20. But I still would have leaned a bit on my mother. She was already a grandmother so that wouldn't have been an issue. Maybe she'd include me now if I did succeed in having a baby then.
Being with AJ, the possibility is gone as I had the hysterectomy. Yes, we could have adopted. But we are too old and I'm too ill. I can barely walk Jax at times - how could I care for a baby then? And when I listen or see what children go thru these days at school.... my heart would break and stress every minute. Even outside of school.
I did a lot of therapy on it. I know it is best how things happened. I know this was my choice never to try again, or push to try. I know it was my choice to have the hysterectomy (though I was having a lot of issues in there). I know how my child would have grown up, and that scared/scares me - as in even way back then all those issues. I know it's me that brings up the feelings of way back when I was pregnant and the baby. I know I made choices, I'm not sorry how things turned out.
All that logic still doesn't override emotions at times. And my emotions go back to the baby.
No comments:
Post a Comment