Let Loose

Something occurred to me was I rambled along with that email to Joan.  I noticed how I stated that I would start something, do well, kinda flow as long as there would be no stress or too hard to do/continue, and then boom suddenly just stop.  Nothing really has to happen for me to stop.  If it's too hard to do then I get that I stop - even though working thru it would be an answer too.  But even if things are going well and easy, like Keto.  Seriously I find keto basically easy to flow with, so why did I just wake up, have keto breakfast and then that was it, I just didn't do it.  

Why? 

There's something for me to explore.  Or not.

Another thought I had today was about emotions.  I noticed when AJ hugged me that there was a part of me that held it together emotionally.  I wasn't able to just let the feeling of joy overcome me.  Stepping back from that I was able to see how much I hold joyful, light, fun feelings down in me so that I don't express them.  And then I probably eat because it hurts not to let them out.

There's nothing wrong with feeling joy, light, fun, happy but I do notice how those feelings I will not explode out.  Will only allow bits of them to come out and be expressed.  I know I feel them.  It's like watching a funny show.  AJ will be laughing away.  I will be amused by it, but will not let the laugh out.  It's like I'm not allowed to show those emotions.  Where exactly did that come from?

There is a part of me, when I think on that, see me as a child.  So I do know that comes from there - sense that when I would express joy it would bring about trouble for me in some way.  There wasn't much to let those emotions be expressed, and as I think on it, it makes me realize too that holding / not showing any emotions or feelings was safer.  I had to distance myself from what I felt so that pain wouldn't follow or happen.

Let loose. 

Immediately makes me think of I need a drink.

Let loose without alcohol?  I don't know if I can.

Bing.  Was so much easier when I was able to drink, and be slim to laugh, joke, smile.

I wonder if I don't eat, and I don't let a laugh out.....I go back to eating to suppress those emotions.  55 years of joyful emotions learnt (or is that learned) to be held down, held back.

Guess I'm going to have to work at at least giggling daily.  Work thru that fear.  Just do something little so that it's not too hard.  Otherwise I end up back at the beginning of this post and suddenly just stop.

Wait.  Are the two connected?

Because I can see I will get use to giggling daily, looking for things, realize I'm doing it and boom - stop.  And as far as laughing/giggling goes - Milo makes me laugh almost daily.  He makes me smile.  I just can't stop smiling or giggling when he just wanders kitten like around.  Such a busy little boy.  Maybe why I want another one too.  Seeing them play brings out the joy so much that I can't control or hold in that smile.  Another kitten would continue to pull those smiles out.

Now that I know that.

Something to work on?

Something to change? 

Something to drink over?  

Something to eat over?

Maybe another kitten is the best way to avoid those feelings....