Always Done

Not a new quote by any means.  But about explains what I was thinking.

I was talking with AJ the other morning and saying how that Brain with Dave Eagleman show we've been watching has been interesting.  Have 2 more to watch.  The other night we watched about Choices and how the brain is affected.  

Basically there is the emotions and the logic.  Emotions are here and now, logic brings us to the future.  (I know badly put, but if you can follow...).  So emotionally the chocolate in front of me is rosy, sparkly and exciting - and the logic of being slim and healthy in the future (over there) is dull, uninteresting and not pulling me.  The two parts are in the brain - and they light up, per MRI tests as to which one we think on.

Willpower is energy.  Using it eventually depletes our energy and we can then be less able over time to resist.

Now I need to go back for a moment and add in my feelings of late on no longer interested in going to doctors.  I have been thinking on that too.  About how I have always gone hoping to be fixed.

As I was explaining all this to AJ, I suddenly started talking about how I've always felt like I'm a 

That really hit me.  That was what I had been feeling for a long time.  Basically all my life.  AJ tried to say no.  But I said, yes - I have felt like I was no better then a piece of f*king sh*t on the bottom of a shoe.  Just scraped off in the world.  Big realization on that.  Came fast, came with tears - just a bit, got registered and clicked into healing it.  No long drawn out crying, gut wrenching emotions with it.  But just as powerful.

As I said all this to AJ I also registered I needed to change that thinking of myself.  To change how I thought of my body as that was why I kept going to doctors.  I kept going because I thought I was crap, maybe a doctor could find out what was / is truly wrong with me, fix it and I would be better and then be able to suddenly have that life is worth living hit! No doctor in the whole world is going to be able to fix me.  That is my job.  Only I can do that.  Hence the slow realizing the last few weeks that I need to stop going to doctors to find out what's wrong with me, and have them fix it.  I can fix it.  I know how to heal me.  I know certain foods hurt my body.  I know if I stop them - I will feel better.  And now that I know how I had felt about myself explains a lot.

I had to work the last few weeks on explaining to myself that I could stop going to doctors, stop being ill and accept being healthy.  That kept hitting a wall.  Be healthy?  Allow myself to be healthy?  Let myself do things to be healthy instead of ill?  Allow myself to heal the ill parts in me?  (including autoimmune/MGUS etc things)  I don't need to keep those illness or let them control me or define me?

I know it sounds stupid but thinking on that and letting myself be healthy is actually scary.  Afraid to do that because if I do.... then who will love me?  Who will I be?  Who will give me attention?  I will be nothing and unseen then.  I am picturing (yeah I know it's the past and I'm no longer going there, but it still reflects into things) how I cried when I was 9 yrs old and my father left us, or when I was 5 yrs and my sister was born and I tried to be limping foot attention for love.  I can see in the past how being ill got me a bit of attention.  People would A) try to help me or B) feel sorry for me.  So that meant I would be noticed, cared about, and loved.  

I mean how can one care about me if I'm healthy?  What is there about me that would make anyone care or love me considering I'm a piece of ...... that bottom shoe thing.

It hurts and is sad that I feel or think that way about myself.  Correction - have thought about myself like that.  No more.  Change it.  I want to look forward, not backwards.  Forward means I need to move into a different way of thinking about myself, my body, my being.  Still feel a bit blind in that but I do know what I have thought/felt isn't what I want to do/be anymore so I need to change it forward.  Even if it is scary, afraid to, unknown.

This all comes around again to the that Brain show.  When I was at RH and Dr T talked about how addiction was in the brain etc I came away, I realize now, with the belief that I was f*ked, never to be able to change my thinking (hence building on my then belief that maybe some doctor could fix me).  That it just proved I was a piece of crap and hopeless in my life.  Unable to take control or charge.  I mean - she showed how the addiction worked in the brain - it proved it.

The key that she didn't state, or I didn't come to understand, or wasn't explained well - was the part I listened to the other night.  Yes that's all basically true, but it's just two parts of the brain trying to dominate each other.  It makes future goal appear dull and therefore uninteresting to obtain when having a present in front me me option that is all sparkly.  What I can do is step back and realize what is going on - sparkly or dull choice and WHY they are sparkly or dull.  Knowing dull really is what I want makes sparkly, hopefully more manageable.  Guess time will tell whether this is true for me.