Tomorrow is our 9th anniversary. We are going out for lunch. AJ was asking where I wanted to go for dinner..... I just looked at him. He started laughing, and said you want to go for lunch right. Yes. I just don't want to do dinners anymore. And I find by dinner I'm just not really hungry anymore either. Like today. For lunch we had a bun, 1/2 can baked beans, a baby belle cheese, 3 plain cookies and tea. The thought of eating chicken and veg is ugh. AND IT'S ALREADY MADE! So it's not like I have to cook - just heat.
Made a bunch of stuff yesterday. Mini meat loafs, egg and scrambled ground meat cups, chicken (in there for dinner tonight...?), turkey. All made and now frozen (except chicken). Maybe I should just do a fast.
I've been using that Precivid. Has helped my stomach. My chest is so sore again today. The waspy thing is back to stinging pain. At least the stomach is better. I went for that Pulmonary Test.... that was a waste of time. It was signed off by NP Gabrielle, but needed to be signed off by a MD. So they couldn't do the full test. I called NP's sec - who later called me back and said the Resp. Julie had just signed NP's name to it. There was another one if I wanted to do it again. I had said it's been 11 months, I have chest pain, the resp. tech said I was breathing..... I had to hang up. I wanted to cry. I just didn't have it in me to listen to her explain or excuse the NP. Not the first time she signed off on something she wasn't suppose to. I don't care that Julie had put her name on it - NP was to check and be aware of what's happening with her name! If that's the case - just let me sign off all the things I want without having NP both being involved.
I know I sound down. I don't think I am. I think I'm a bit lost and hopeless? Realized too with all this health stuff - something major probably wouldn't change me or help me live life. Whatever that switch is - it's been ripped out of me, tossed away, burned up...... That makes me sad too.
Then, my friend Talia talks about how wonderful God is - I'm happy for her. Glad to hear her blessings. And I wonder when it happened. Where did it go? Why did it go? How did it go? AJ and I continue to do prayers - but for me, it has the same energy behind it as if I was talking to a spongy wash cloth. I just don't find any energy towards / in God / Spirit etc. Believe? I guess I still do, minus a lot of energy. I still do say God please help.... But without much ump or hope in it. That is so sad for me.
I know I've talked about this before. I know God has been distanced in me for a long while now. I just don't understand why, how or when it happened. I don't know what made it happen. And I don't know how to bring it back. If asked, I'd say yes I believe in God/Spirit. Yes, I pray. Yes, I believe miracles can and do happen. Yes, I can see in my life how much I have been blessed and protected and helped. And yet............????????????
I read once that Mother Theresa said she was close to God once / heard his voice - something like that - and never felt him again. Read that about a few others. They felt God and then God was gone. BUT with them - they kept the Light of God going. I'm afraid my Light is burning out. Must be why I'm so lost, hopeless and giving up. Giving up on my health care. Giving up on myself. Giving up on my past (that might not be so bad on that one). Giving up on healing. Giving up on changing / or believing change can / will happen in me. Trying to hold onto that $ millions, but.
I don't see what I would like in the future. Everything I have is everything I've wanted really. Even skipping the weight / healthy eating dream, or the $$ dream. My life is joyously what I want. What else do I want to do? What else is there in me? What more do I want to accomplish? (other then that weight/$$) And if that weight/$$ doesn't happen? My life is still contently peaceful. I truly in a way have achieved all I've ever wanted that matter most to me. Yet, I'd still like to achieve those two minor dreams.
What more do I want to do?
Where do I go from here?
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