Dream Again

I had a dream.... twice, I think last night.  Decided I would write Joan about it as I could use some guidance.

Hi Joan;

I had a dream last night in bed, I woke with a memory of biting hard, and that I was jolted awake.  I tried to go back to sleep but felt I was just restless inside.  I kept thinking / feeling go to the chair (to sleep).  Decided I wouldn't fight that thought / voice.  And went.  Cat came a bit later, once I was settled, and slept with me.  And off I went to sleep.

In the morning, I dreamt again.  This time I had more information.  It was the same dream that I had earlier that night in bed.

I was drunk? drugged? numb? voiceless.  I knew I was unable to speak, I acted like I was drunk/numb/spaced out/dumb... I can't exactly describe the feeling and how I was acting.  I pretended to be - not there - and 'people' would think I was asleep or just plain too stupid to know what was happening or to talk.

Then I saw Radom St and Liverpool Rd.  These are two streets that T (radom into liverpool)  This is a real place, this was were I use to live - from birth to 45 yrs area.

I was again (?) laying down, and doing that weird emotional feeling of spaced out.  This time I could see both from above and from my eyes.  I was a naked baby/young girl - not more then 2, maybe 3.  But very, very young maybe 1 yrs?  There was this older boy licking (?) my face, then my left shoulder, I knew he was going to lick my breast.  He stopped and looked at my vagina.  I knew then that after my breast he was going to lick my vagina.  I was numb.  He stopped because someone had called his name - I know someone called him, but I do not know what the name was.  He looked at me, and said he would come back later for that.

Then I was biting the right hand - fleshly part of the bottom thumb, of what I think was a woman.  I was still naked.  There was a man running his finger up and down my esophagus / chest.  From my stomach to my throat.  He would then gently palpitate up and down between running his finger up and down.  He was talking to the woman.  He said something about see watch now the core will get stronger.  

When he talked about the deeper core getting stronger - I was biting even harder.  I was surprised that I hadn't bit the thumb off or that the woman wasn't screaming in pain.  She never moved her hand.  Afterwards I didn't have anything in my mouth and I started waking up.  Just that split second before I was completely awake, I looked at the man and I said - ""Tell your son not to touch me anymore.""

I was awake.  I thought about the dream.  Got up and went back to the bed.  I put some essential oils on my chest and jaw.  Put on some binarual beats for sexual abuse healing.

Information;

*****  I know there were 3 males that sexually abused me.  My father, and my godfather Alfred.  I was never sure who the other one was.  No one ever 'felt' right.

****** When I was little, at that T of Radom and Liverpool lived:  1. Christopher, 2. Allan & older brother Larry  3. An older Hungarian Woman (I don't overly remember her or her family, I don't know if she had children - I just remember mom telling me about her, and being there once in a while - I can't remember much about that house).    We lived on Douglas that ran into Radom.  Beside us was 4. Tommy & Brian.

******** Christopher and I played doctor when we were older.  He was about a year older then me.  I really don't think he was 'the son'.  Allan was my age, Larry was a few years older.  Question him.  Question if the Hungarian had a son.  Question Tommy more then Brian.

******** I woke both times with tight jaws.  

******** I know those numb feelings ment something.  I know me not talking etc was what I was like a lot as a child.

******* I know I dreamt this twice last night.

****** I find it funny that the man was running/palpitating me from my stomach to throat along my esophagus - just like where I am struggling in a lot of pain with inflammation and eating issues.  (BTW - I am going to finally see a specialist to scope me on this)

****** Before bed we were talking and I said that at this point I don't think I will ever know the reason why I am overweight, and that I don't care anymore.  I just want to eat, be healthy, and if I have to be this size..... oh well.  I will just work at loving myself as is, and work at being happy.  That I didn't think I would ever get to the core of the answer.

******** I wonder if I was finally able to speak up.  Was I heard and believed???????

**********
I feel......... upset, sad, bit crying, confused.  I don't know if this dream really was telling me something.  I feel semi-numb about the sexual abuse / stuff that happened in the dream.  It doesn't freak me out.  I don't really feel victim-ed.  I know if that was it, it wasn't my fault.  I know all the therapy answers.

And I got up to let the dog go out for a pee........I stood in the kitchen I was hungry!  Something I am not first thing in the morning like that.  Went back to bed.  Got up 2 hours later, back in the kitchen before a shower..... hungry and ate a few little chocolate cookies.

I'm not sure exactly what to do about this from this point on.  Does this need me to do more - if so, what then?