The Between

Not about ninjas, pirates or lasers......

In morbid thoughts phase again.  F*k that Metho.  Been in it for a few weeks now.  And the eating is out the window too.  

I was thinking of those people who hold on to every second of life - refuse to die.  Aim to live forever.  Do all the things they can so that they live.  How amazing are they.

Then there are those that can't be here.  They leave as quick as they can.  Those that end up in suicides.  Not saying anything about them per sue.  (?that the right word?)  

I was thinking of the BETWEEN.  I was thinking of the end.  I was thinking, I was thinking I will be glad (probably) to get to the end.  

There are those that it's all about the journey.  They can drive and not know where they are going - as it doesn't matter.  AJ sometimes says - when I want to do something and I don't know what - lets take a drive.  I think he says that more cause he's at a lose as to what to do.  I can't do just a drive.  It's too stressful for me.  I'm one of those that needs to go somewhere - have an end.  I can somewhat wander around, but need to know 'why' I'm wandering - even if it's just for the wandering itself.  I can wander a forest or a mall.  Maybe a street on foot.  But not a drive.

Seems for me it's about the end.  I go for the goal.  Except weight!!!  Ugh.  But then again - it's all about the goal - 160 lbs.  

Hum.....

Back to the between.  I do want to look back and see what I have done at the end of my life.  And I do want to do things in my life.  But there is a part of me that wishes I was at the end and now looking back at it.  Not that I am pushing to make a new end.  I don't know if I can say I live.  I try to.  I want to.  Seems kinda boring from this side.  Answer probably is go help others and forget about yourself.  Guess I should just end this here then.

......

That freaks me out inside - to do volunteer work.  Talked about that before.  Can't decide if the freak out is because I don't or can't or afraid or too lazy or ??? to do it.  Besides doesn't taking care of AJ count as something?  He's exhausting at times.  But then I love him.

That kinda morbided me too - of him being gone.  Though I knew that was possible without anyone else saying it.  What saddens me about that is would I ever be with someone else.  Is there someone else that would be caring, kind, patient etc with all my crap?  And I really, really, really, really don't want to chase another man in my life again.  I chased my first husband and I basically chased AJ.  If anyone were to be in my life after AJ, then I so really want him to CHASE me.  (Has to be someone I'd like doing the chasing too).  I know without a doubt that AJ loves me with all he is.... but I'm not first in his life, he is.  I get that.  It's who he is.  He thinks of himself a lot first and sometimes forgets me.  But in his being he also so much cares and thinks of me.  It's hard to explain.  If there was a fire... he'd save himself.  Me... I'd be trying to save him and the pets first.  Then again - could I even be with someone else after AJ?  I don't know.  Not that it's in the cards for a few years.  ha.

There are a lot of people who's lives are worse off then mine and I'm sure they'd read this and think really?    What the f*k are you whining about.  They'd be right.  And yet, here I am whining.  I don't really know why.  Inside me just flops around.  Probably the Metho.... and a need for a change/trip.  And volunteering....yeah.  I just do not want to let more people down by doing that then dropping off.  That, dropping out/off, sounds to me worse then trying.  Like when a few years ago I volunteered to help run the VON exercise program - did it for about 3 months, then stopped, then tried again for a few weeks here, few week there... then nothing.

And this doesn't go anywhere.  Time for dinner.