Clarified....

I was thinking when I went to bed last night about my last quick post.  I think I wrote it quickly without adding a few thoughts.

1.  My Brother in Law is NO WHERE near what my father was like.  My bil is a nice person, with challenges being married, and married to my sister, and having kids.  He's got his days where he flies off the handle and yells - just like my sister.  Bil loves his kids, and also my sis.  But from my perspective - sometimes I wonder if divorce would have been easier for both of their lives.  And the boys.

2.  Judging.  I'm not judging either of their choices.  They must live their lives as they believe is right.  I had a lot of therapy (which neither was ever interested in), did a lot of work emotionally, learned to detach from a lot of family drama, and ended up marrying a very different type of man.  Not to say I am without family drama, I do still have issues that I get caught up in, get hurt by and squawk about.  Then I work at healing them.  Hopefully.

That being said.  I really do understand when my mom says - how could I leave?  I didn't read english well, I had no money, no car, 2 little girls, and no friends who believed me (about her husband's abuse).  Most of her friends were busy having an affair with my father.  He thought mom was stupid and would tell them she was.  They thought he was wonderful, handsome and generous - I mean, really, he would take them out to fancy restaurants/ hotels etc, what did it matter that mom was unable to figure out what to make for dinner.  And boy did he get violent if there wasn't dinner ready for him when he got home.  

I can see and understand that she felt at that time that she could not leave.  There was no support.  A bit of a difference though, is that my sis has support and there is a lot more for those who leave spouses.  Mom always said to her, don't leave your house or else you will lose it.  And you will lose the boys to him.

One of the interesting things AJ mentioned in the car, is that not only would there be custody - but that mom would lose HER access to the boys - which is / was a lot.  She was there almost every day.  Mom even told me when sis would talk of divorce - if she (sis) would leave then we (truly her) would not see the boys so much.  Family is everything to her.  She's second oldest of 7 and always wanted 6 kids. (oh Lord, that would have been interesting!!)  All that matters to her is family - and to her family that matters is THE BOYS.  She's told me this a few times over the years.  No surprise that helped me step back and know better where I stood with her. 

3.  When mom talked of Him (my father/her husband) she talked that he must be sad and lonely as he lost a lot.  I said, no.... I don't think he sees it that way.  She said but he has no family.  We get together all the time, we see each other, talk etc.  What does he have, besides his girlfriend and travelling.  I said - but that's what he always wanted (he told me this) all he ever wanted was his own money (girlfriend has to pay all her own share, or leave him), he always just wanted to travel (has done this for 30 yrs now) and date/ have sex with who he wanted.  (that I'm guessing he's done too).  Mom says her sister in Europe says he's old and bent over though.  (Her sis socializes with him, and also talks with mom)

That may be the case, but doesn't mean he's not happy with his choices.  Yes, he doesn't have contact with us - but then he never really wanted us.  I can see - per AJ and mom - that yes, he might think of us, and wish a visit, but I don't believe in the overall that he's sad about that.  Then again, I can only go on what I remember of him.  In the years of my 20's, early 30's I did have contact with him after their divorce.  It was a bit more of an adult conversation type, both made a bit of an effort to talk.  Until the day he blew and started yelling at me on the phone as he didn't like what I was saying.  I thought - I don't need this and hung up.  We never talked after that.  Even though I did send him a few emails, there was never a response.  In those talking years, he would talk to me of what matter to him.

I could see that my statements, though kindly said, were upsetting and confusing mom.  I said - but then, your life is much better, and you are much more happier without him.  Oh yes! And I backed off.  I do have empathy for her and there is no point or no healing if I push what I have observed and learned.  Sometimes healing is allowing.  I'm good with that.

She needs to believe that he's the one that lost out.  That she won.  She's not bitter, just because of all the hurt and pain she lived thru with him, she needs to believe he has paid somehow for it.  I can understand that.  With the struggle of the abuse I dealt with in therapy, I so wanted him to pay somehow.  That God would do justice.  I knew we couldn't do anything.  In time, I came to the point, whether he 'pays' somehow or not isn't going to change anything.  And I don't know if he really has sorrow over the past - he always told me that he was a great dad and husband - just problems over the years.  With his mental illness, he believes he never did anything wrong - because in his mind - well, he didn't.  

He has shaped and written his story as he wants and believes it to be.  Just as my mother, my sister and including me - have shaped and written our stories as we believe.  And future chapters are what we create on our own.  Such is life.