Aftermas

Christmas visiting etc is OVER for this year.  Realized I was stressing a bit before because, well because I had dreams of being slimmer/less weight then I am, and I wasn't.  Also, worried I think over the food, even though I knew I wasn't going to cheat.  Though I did  - I tried a bacon wrapped chestnut, and 1/4 of a fork (if that, even less) of lemon-lime cheese cake.  Those things don't bother me.  I did binge a bit a few days before, and at AJ's family dinner on foods that are allowable for me.  Like asparagus, meat, bit of cheese and my treats.  Obviously I still deal with issues via foods.  THAT was told to me a while ago that that was the way I am, and that it would probably never change too much.  Overall I'm glad with the way I handled things for Christmas. I wasn't in ketos on the 23rd when I checked, and I was only unofficially down 2 pounds. Will have to check to see if I'm in ketos and where m unofficial weight is, I have an appointment with Dr Poon on Dec 28th.

There was underlying drama going on at my family's dinner.  My sister told me some info that was happening.  And there was the ongoing untalked about issue with my cousin's family.  I just stepped back and reminded myself - not my pony show.  AJ's family.... nothing but pleasant and friendly, no surprise at either place. Lots of compliments from AJ's family on my new short hair cut - they liked it.  I still like it.

Funny how even though Christmas for the last few years with AJ has been peaceful and loving and pleasant....still has me at times in the gripe of childhood feelings and fears Christmas.  I know it's the childhood memories that I long to avoid and yet they linger - even with years of therapy, even with total understanding of them/what happened, even with knowing one Christmas is not the memories of childhood Christmas, even with the joys of being with AJ and good Christmases......  I think this year it was the trigger of my change in eating and food that caused Christmas pasts to come up.  Hence the deep desire to just stay home and avoid any place with festivities, eating and food.  I didn't want to look at how I looked or what I ate.  I still feel my foods overall were / are peaceful and my choices are content and peaceful - so that means, it was just the memories I was struggling with I think.  I will have to meditate on this a bit.  See what comes up.

Stress over food at these things is still going on as I'm learning.  I know this, but it still was ... not really a challenge, more new? untested?  The desserts at AJ's family was tricky as the women make delicious treats.  I didn't have any of it!!  I knew it wasn't what I wanted.  I want my new life decision more - even if I binged somewhat on my foods.  That I think is not dealing with the emptiness within self. That place where fear of ?? and loneliness ?? still surfaces at times. Those feelings that I didn't want to deal with at this time.  Just because I don't want to deal with them, doesn't mean they aren't there or coming up.  They will show up again I'm sure.  Now hopefully that emptiness that I've been binging on instead will subside for a time and I can refocus on weight loss and eating healthier.  Not so many treats!  Maybe in the meantime I can look into those feelings of emptiness etc and heal them.  It's a journey, it's my life.