Post Note

Yep, I ate a brownie after I posted.  Only thing I was sorry about was I hid eating it from AJ and that I didn't have it heated in a bowl with some caramel syrup... because I hid eating it from AJ.  THAT was more of an issue then me eating the brownie.  I just didn't want someone / anyone questioning why I was doing all this eating.  I did tell him about it yesterday morning, and about all the rest of the packages I ate.  Total of 6.  I will tell Laura too about it.  I own what I did without guilt or sorrow.  Though AFTER I did it, not while I was doing it, because I still need to work on that issue.  😲

I'm clear that I'm not sorry about my choice of doing all that eating.  I didn't have any guilt over the food /eating.  (just hiding it from AJ).  I went to bed feeling very contently full and didn't have any sense of gurgling hunger before / during / or in the morning.  Often I will wake in the night starving, drink some water, and just go back to sleep.  If it's really, really bad I will get up have a sip of Protein shake or flavour water.  Basically for the first time in months I wasn't going to bed a bit hungry.  I wasn't so Thankgiving stuffed, sick feeling full either, just contently full and at peace.  Not that I believe this is a good thing to do, or that I have any desire to do this again.

I also noticed that I did heavy work on Friday, and then on Saturday I worked in the garden for a total of 3 hours - shoveling,  lugging stones in a pail, and placing the stones.  Also did more of all of that again today - another 3 hours.  So maybe my body just needed all that extra carbs.  I really don't think I would have been able to do so much on Saturday without all those carbs / protein in my system already.

Saturday morning I wasn't hungry.  I had a shake and coffee.  Made the shake into 2 1/2 cups so that I could have more of it throughout the day.  I made soup / potatoe puree loaf.  Between the loaf and shake that was my 3 packages.  I wasn't hungry during the day either.  Today I wasn't hungry either as I had the shake plan again.  I'm going to keep doing the shake all week and just choose packages that are lower in carbs.

I was / am up 2 pounds.  I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm ok with it as I know to that all the work I've been doing has caused weight gain too.  I figure the 2 pounds is more because of the work then the eating - either way I'm up.  This morning I was hungry when I woke, but full with  the breakfast - actually only had half of the package.
Made Mock French Toast (had 1/2 of that) with some rhubarb (total of 1 1/4c veg - 1c zucchini in toast) coffee.  Will have the other half for lunch on snack tonight. At lunch planning on a shake,1 cup veg, Poon sausage (others aren't allowed), tea
Dinner - Poon sausage, 1 1/2c veg, tea
Snack - 1/4c chayote and Pre-made Shake (the premades are lower in carb, wanting that more for night as I'm trying to have less at night)
Of course.....water.

Interestingly I didn't whine or cry or beat myself up about my choice of doing that binge.  I'm pleased about that.  I'm not pleased that I still felt I had to hide what I was doing with the food from AJ.  That is an old, old childhood issue of hiding / eating without my parents - especially my father - knowing about it. Being afraid of getting yelled at and hit.  There is no real excuse for hiding the eating from AJ, I just couldn't justify the eating to him if he was to ask me about it even though I knew I was fine and sure of my decision.  It has to do with fear, eating, food, explaining, and trusting myself.  I need to continue to learn to trust myself and my body in the choices it needs instead of thinking from a fear angle. Always learning..........