Nighttime Thoughts

The joys of waking up at like 2am and my brain starts motoring......  I write truly inspiring, fascinating, insightful stuff for my blog.  Yeah.  And then when I get out of bed, shower, feed everyone, walk the dog, do the laundry, get groceries, clean the poop (yes, that's something I have to do daily!) ... etc etc. I totally forget what I was going to write about and all those intense emotional written stories are long gone out of my head.

True, I could get up and start writing at 2am, but seriously, it's 2am!!!  I want to sleep.  Sleep eludes me often, so when I get it I try to get as much that night as I can.  Sadly that's all I remember I wanted to write!!  ha ha ha.  😜 

Onward.

I've been reading those books I ordered and mentioned before.  I finished The Stranger in the Woods.  Was about Christopher Knight, true story, enjoyable.

I started Thins No One will tell Fat girls by Jes Baker.  She writes the blog  http://www.themilitantbaker.com/   So far I have only read the intro and chapter 1.  She wrote about beautiful and pretty and that made me laugh as before I read that I was looking at myself in the mirror the last few weeks and thinking I missed the boat.  I feel like I never really got the beautiful place in looks.  Yes, there were times when, in my head, I thought I made beautiful or at least pretty as I was now 180 lbs, had my hair done, and finger nails polished.  I finally arrived.  Though at this point I don't know where I thought I arrived - other then now I was acceptable.

I have spent my life looking and trying to be acceptable.  Isn't that stupid!  (This will eventually go into the other book I started reading last night). 

I look in the mirror now and sigh.  My hair is thin, fine, very short (got it trimmed the other day as it was not doing anything and I hoped trimming would help.  Which it has, but it's very short again), lays flat and close to my head.  It's thinning a lot.  I have 2 semi-bald spots.  Front and back.  The colour, which I did the other week, is a nice brown and I got a box of highlighting that I will will do some point this week. But I still see myself as just unpretty.  As Jes writes we talk about how wonderful we are inside, which I know I am, but we don't accept the outside body look.  AJ keeps says I should go and have my nails done as it would make me happy.  And instead of me going to the store and buying fake nails, he says to go to the shop and have them professionally done.  I'm trying to feel worthy of doing that.  Isn't that stupid too?  Just go.

She writes on stats: and ten yr olds are more afraid of being fat then cancer, war or losing both their parents.  (Also) We commit suicide.  And sadly, there is case after case of this:  people who would rather die than live in the body the world has told them is inferior.   How sad, and for me how true.

I grew up believing the only way I would be acceptable was to be thin and beautiful.  Something I perceived I never achieved.  And now?  In some ways I feel it's too late.  I'm calmer on it and when I look in the mirror I do still see and hear flaws, but then I work at overriding those thoughts with more loving ones.  Not easy to believe.

Answers.....Not

Ok, it's getting to me a bit.  Like most people I find it easier to deal with things if I know what I'm dealing with!

That blood test I have to go in January 2018.  I totally get I have no idea what the result will be, and it could be nothing but normal.  It's best to live as it's 'normal'.  Yeah, I don't do that well.

I did email my RA doc, but not surprising, I have not heard anything.  Really, what is she going to say at this point other then she's just checking and don't worry about it.

So, off to see for guidance with Jacqui, since I was at the old place - nope no appointment available.
Anne-Marie, had an appointment this morning....she wasn't there, and I haven't heard back from her.
God - that's one of those - you're not in control, let me take care of it.
AJ is very patient and understands I'm semi-concerned and wanting some guidance, but really can't offer much in that department.

All I can do is wait.  And not think on it.  I try.

All of this makes me wonder what to eat.  How to eat.  Funny thing is THAT'S what I want the guidance on.  I know I can't do anything about the tests, but in the meantime I can do something about my foods.  Or maybe I don't need to do anything about my foods.  Per those books I'm reading.  But if I eat 'healthier' foods it might help?

The answer probably is just eat healthy and don't worry, be happy!

Visit

Ah, the old place.... Our old house looked harsh.  I know that sounds weird.  The house looked like it was just a house, missing the love.  It almost looked out of place.  Need something around it to bring our it's charm.  Seeing it, it wouldn't be a house I'd be drawn to, even though I'm the one who picked the colouring.  Makes me sad.  It was sad to see it.

Seeing the people tho was joyful.  Jax was happy to see his brother and semi-sister.  Anne was wonderful!  Miss her so much.  We walked for an hour and talked.  I hated leaving as I know we aren't going to walk for months.  Denise..... she was so good to see and she was the best on understanding my concerns about the cancer questions.  She's dealing with breast cancer.  (Jo-Anne, brother and semi-sister mother is dealing with bone cancer - she didn't say anything much and kinda just went back to talking about her trip).  Denise just listened - which was what I so wanted.  She shared some insights and didn't say anything about me not knowing yet and I shouldn't be thinking on it.  She was so good.  Anne was interested, but I know just to keep it on the factual topic.  Anne has similar RA issues and is on Methoxrate too.  

Pat and John - they made a nice dinner of mac and cheese with salad.  Which was fine. First I invited me and Jax, and second they don't have much money.  I brought dessert.  It  was more about seeing them.  

I really do miss these people and wish to be closer to them.  Walking around is excellent.  Walking here isn't the same of course, the roads aren't as safe and quiet as they are there.

Jax and I stayed at a Airbnb.  It was nice.  Very clean.  Very sparse.  But then, all I wanted was to go to bed.  The bed was a double, which is smaller then our king.  Jasper slept in the middle!!  He was scared of the edge so I got to sleep on the edge.  We left early.  Jax got to go to day care - they were happy to see him again, and he enjoyed playing.  I put him in Friday for 2 hours in the afternoon when I visited Carl and Marj - old neigbours.  Carl bakes. Marj is ill and I thought it would be better not to have Jax there.  Brought home treats.  They were good to see too.  Funny about them - I don't think we would have been as good friends as we were if it wasn't for all those times I kept running over to Carl and asking him questions.  I just wore him into a friendship. ha ha ha.  They like both AJ and I.  And of course Luci loves him!

Maureen took care of the cats.  They were well fed by the sounds of how often she came over.

I am glad we moved though.  I like this house.  It's bigger.  I like this community.  Everything is so much closer.  I miss the friends, but am slowly making new ones.  Or at least one.

AJ had fun playing poker with his brother and family.  They took good care of him, and fed him well.  He only lost $5.  

Otherwise, nothing much else happened.  I have been thinking on things, but that's for another post.  

It's In the Blood

I got a letter from my RA doctor yesterday.  The only thing in it was a blood work request.  Only thing on the blood work request was 3 written tests.  One of them was for Urine Bence Jones Protein CA.  Hummmm

No real surprise.  She's looking for cancer probably.  Multiple Myeloma or Lymphoma Cancer.   I was thinking of emailing her and asking what she was thinking, but I don't want to bother her......she would answer I know, I don't want to be confirmed I guess.  Blessing or curse of the internet.  Can look it up.  I do have some of the issues on the list.  And if it is that, I guess my life will take a new turn.  Losing weight won't be too much of an issue or focus.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I do kinda wish to talk to her about it.  But then again, maybe that's not what she is looking for.  Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me if that's what she wrote.  I love this doctor.... even if she didn't talk to me about it.  I know she would talk if I asked.  She is the only one that believed me years ago and trusted what I was saying.  Eventually she found markers on RA etc and has been so patient with me not wanting certain meds.  I wonder what I will do if.....

Went to bed at 730pm last night - I was exhausted.  I'm still doing my needles.  I'm hoping by Friday that I will feel better (usually start to) as I will be driving a lot - going to drop AJ off at his brother's place and then on to the old community.  Have it all planned out.  Took an AIrbnb room for Jax and myself for the night.  I am looking forward to it.  Will be a few days before I write again as I will be on the road etc.

Really not up to writing much else.  Still kinda tired, and just want to relax.  I'm not even able to read my books which is sad to me.  I want to start reading them.  I have spoken to Jerilyn and am scheduled to see her in January 2018 for talk. Took out a few of the Christmas stuff out to see what I want out.  I had a few things from my aunt which I decided to pack up and keep for my cousin's children (both are married)  I think they will like the memory of them.  I bought some new bulbs etc - dark almost black blue ones, and dark orangy gold ones - really like those colours.  Look forward to putting them up at some point.

😺

Craving Change

I started going to a class - 3 classes - on Tuesday about Craving Change in weight.  I have one more class coming up this Tuesday.  The class is interesting.  It was suggested by the NP and AJ encouraged me to go.  I'm glad I did.  Not that it's doing anything to motivate me to lose weight again.  I find it very amusing that I go early enough to go to Shopper Drug Mart, which is next door and I get a box of Milk Duds.  Yeah, Milk Duds.  I don't know why other then it's that physiological resentment of someone telling me I have to lose weight so I eat.  NOT that someone is telling me to lose weight.  And it's weird because I don't go over to Shoppers, which is close to the house, to get Milk Duds other times.  Milk Duds are only sold there.  They are one chocolate that I never tried until about 2 weeks before we left the old place and I popped into a gas station and saw them.

Back to the class... last class they mentioned about loving yourself at any size.  I spoke up about that and said if they had a course on that, I would come to it.  They then told me about a book called Health At Every Size.  I have ended up buying the book, I haven't gotten past page 3.  I will continue reading it.  I also decided I would talk to the one social worker running the course (along with a dietitian) to help me learn to love myself at every size.

I remember struggling with my size even when I was 180 lbs.  I still wanted to lose more wait - to get to 150 lbs.  I thought it was because I always believed I was to be that weight, 150 lbs.  Now I'm realizing it might not have been enough as I couldn't be happy at 180 lbs.  So, I think I need to look at loving my size and reading the book isn't just going to work, there is a bit of therapy needed.  I do have an appointment for some reiki, and then another appointment with Ann Marie to ask questions on the weight/loving/size etc.

Ah the joys of all of this........

What about Us

I grew up believing in God.  As I grew my understanding of God changed, but I have always believed in God without any doubt.  I knew God loved and wanted me.

When I got involved with AA I learnt more about my feelings and belief in God.  One thing that really grew stronger was how much I knew God loved me and how much I could depend / trust / believe in God.  I could stand on my head in complete trust in God.  I spoke beyond strongly on my belief and trust in God.  Being Lutheran there was/is Jesus and Holy Spirit too.

Towards the end of AA - as in me continuing going - I felt a bit lost from God and lacking in spiritual insights or connection so I went to a retired Priest to ask for guidance.  Sounds like a good idea right?  I mean, it's a Priest, it's about God, it's about connecting with God.

I said I felt a bit lost from God, a longing to be more connected with God, to feel the Holy Spirit more.  His response:  Who are you to think that God wants to connect with you?  You are just to love God and not want more.  God can decide if God wants to be with you.  You are not to ask or want God.  I crumpled.  I was stunned.  I was heart broken.  I was abandoned. 

There are no words to explain how I felt when he talked.  There were no words to explain my feelings.  I didn't know if I should just get up and leave as there was no point anymore - God didn't want me.  The Priest continued but I didn't hear too much after that.  He did eventually stop talking and I asked a few more questions - which I don't remember as all I was trying to figure out was how to leave.  Don't know why I thought I needed to continue to be polite.

I did leave of course.  Soon after I slowly stopped going to meetings too.  I just couldn't, besides I was dating AJ - and he wanted me.

I couldn't go to church either.  All I could do was think and feel unwanted by God.  I was unable to feel wanted for a long time.  

Eventually I did start to talk to others - months later, as I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what the Priest had said.  Especially because I had tooted the God horn loudly and often before.  I was so sure, and now I was so not sure.  Others (AA friend from church, pastor from church, few others who believed in God) all told me the same thing - God did love me, and God did want me.  No one could understand what the Priest was trying to do or prove.  Some said he was sent by the devil to confuse me.  (Worked well)

I slowly started believing in God again.  I never completely stopped, just didn't know what to think or feel.  But sadly, my belief has never come up to where it was before, or even close to it.

I still believe in God... but more on the Divine Spirit / Energy Light.  I still pray.  I still long for God again.  I just don't have a comforting connection of trust and security and love.  Word wise I know God loves me.... I guess.  I miss having that deep hugging security wrapping around me in times of anything going on.  

I wonder as I pray for help and guidance if God is listening and caring.  I like to believe God is.  Easier for me to think Divine Spirit guides me.  There is an emptiness inside me at times, especially at night when I'm feeling lonely.  That emptiness never fills as there's a questioning, halting stall that doesn't allow me to feel warmly, lovingly embraced.

That all being said, I still do believe there is a God..... a Divine Spirit.  To that, I pray and find some comfort.  

I'm not drawn to going to church anymore.  That God is and feels too small and limiting now. I do miss the people that are in church, but not enough to go and sit there.  The speeches are void for me even though I'm ok with the belief.

What about Us?  Well, that's the song by Pink.  And every time I hear it I think it is about God.  That makes me think for me, to think that, it's the highest height of arrogance to believe or think that I would be higher then God, able to tell God what to do.  It's not that I believe that - be it God or Divine Spirit (that I am higher, or able to tell what to do)  It's just there's something about the song that makes me think it's about God, and I don't really know why.  Maybe I should go look at her video on it.  That might help.   

And it makes me long to be closer to God........sigh.

Breakfast

Every morning I get up, let Jax out for a pee - the Prince is carried down the stairs and cuddled then put down to go outside.  After is usually a shower for me, clean the litter box, get dressed and feed the troop.  Afterwards off for a walk with Jax.

This morning, usual routine - but as I was walking I kept getting hungrier and hungrier.  I came into the house and told AJ that there was not enough food in the house for me to eat - I was so hungry.  I wanted eggs, bacon, fries, toast.

Somebody really needs to go shopping...............

Off we went.  Tried a restaurant around the corner from us that always looks busy.  It was like walking into the 1950's.  The diner was old looking inside, and there were photos from when it opened in August 1949.  Also newspaper stories on how Diefenbaker,  Pearson, P Trudeau, Martin and Haper have been in the restaurant for coffee.  So it must be a good place!  The food was good.  The service was quick.  And the place was busy.  Glad we went.

Get to go again on Monday, but just for coffee as it's right beside the garage that I'm going to for an oil change and to put the winter tires on.  People say that place is good too.  Hope they are as we need a place to care for the car.

After breakfast we went to the $ store and Walmart.  I needed to find a few things for art.  I planned to do some this afternoon.  Came up with a few ideas I wanted to try.  (Will show you in another post)

Got home, decided before it got colder and rained/snowed we would go for a walk - Jax would love that.  Which of course he did.  He was delighted in sniffing new places around.  We got home and I wanted to start my art.  But then found out I needed some carbon paper.  Which meant back to the store.  

I wanted to cry.  Not that I had to go back to the store, but because I was so wiped that I couldn't even stand anymore.  I wanted to do my art, and I knew I had - I HAD - to go lay down.  I couldn't even stay up to have lunch.  AJ hugged me and sent me to bed.  Having to nap just takes time.  

Up, lunch and back to the store.  Ended up finding carbon paper in Staples.  But found other stuff in the $ store and Walmart which I figured out to make as I looked.  Thankfully there was still time in the afternoon.  Fed and walked Jax first.  And got to do one project.  Hurray.
😺