Confuses Me

Good Morning,

How are things going?

Hugs,

Joan

That's nice that she sent me an email.  So I decided to respond - and say what I was feeling and thinking on.  Nicely sums up what's been going on in my noggin lately.

Hi!

I'm wondering about the bits.  Hahaha 

There were a lot of bits in the last email and I wonder how bit full I really am.

Actually I feel ?  I don't want to keep bothering you with everything especially since I feel I'm still at the basically same point when I started.  I wonder sometimes if that's the point.  I am to be like this - overweight, sick on foods that I can only stop for a while before I go back to them, ending up spending money on hopes of fixing things that just end up costing me money instead.  I keep rolling in the same answers yet just can't get it. And yet I still can't not stop looking for a change that might not ever come or be the answer.

Then I think ok, stop, do different......and I A) can't think of what would different be. B). Any different I can think costs more money then I have which rolls into C) me ending up in the same ditch.

I've been thinking about my life.  Younger me (YMe) believed change in me WOULD happen.  YMe just thought all I needed was the answer, be happier, more positive.  YMe believed without a doubt in God, in Energy, in that somehow life would provide me different.  YMe thought that even if I can't do it myself, the Universe would bring it/change/success in my long term goals (perm healthy weight/peaceful food relationship/financial comfort).  YMe wanted to help others.  (That really isn't something I can do consistently now). YMe knew change would happen just right around the next corner.....

There are no more corners to look for or around.  

God/Universe is gone.  (Which makes me laugh as habit continues to have me talk to God....but now with resigned emptiness in answers.  That super stresses me when what I'm asking is things like Jax get better or AJ safe flight - as things will BE no matter what I say.  Either Jax gets better or not.  Either AJ's flight is safe or not.  My asking just makes me aware of my asking.  Not the outcome.  I just need to work with the outcomes, try to be happy with them.)

In the end..... YMe wanted to be loved and happy.  That for today is basically where I am. So why bother with the other goals and dreams?  Today I have a house, food, husband, pets.  Tomorrow there might not be the $ to have them, so why bother trying?  If/when the day that the money is gone, that I am in a moomoo drugged on pain pills, out on the streets....my only concern will be was I able to save my pets and get them to safety?  AJ will make it without me or be gone at that point.

Probably why I'm so wanting another cat.  After Moonbeam died it was never any more.  Now with the new little Milo, I keep saying we need another one to keep him company as the dog and cat we have don't want to cuddle with him....and he wants to cuddle/sleep with some pet.  More pets will not make moving out of this house and into a condo easy.  And if I can't get my health under control we might have to sell.  Having another cat will keep me here and present.  And costing... Hahaha

I really wish I could save another one.  Give another cat love that it deserves.

Where we would go ????? As we really don't have the money for any safe move/home that is better then where we are now.  So no more pets!!!!!

It's foolish and naive for me think or believe that I can/will get what I want just because I decide I want it.  Life isn't fair.  And in me there is nothing that has the ability to move forward - pull up my big pants, deal with it and do what I need to do.  I have looked long for that "ability".  Even YMe never had it - that's why she believed so much in God - she needed something/one to help her thru life.  Guess they got tired or I got exhausted creating that energy.  YMe wanted to be a good employee and work and get those goals/dreams.  (Had so many when I was younger). But even then after a while, I just couldn't be a great employee...or even a good one.  No matter how much I wanted to be one.

It saddens me when I think of a supervisor I had that fought for me because he believed the underdog could come out on top....I just proved him wrong in the long run. When he retired he barely spoke to me and I understood justified why.  Yet it wasn't how I wanted ME to turn out.  I wanted to succeed!  To prove him right.  To rejoice in his faith in me.

Such is my life.  Wanting to succeed, just not having it in me to do what I would need to do, fail, and wander around trying again and again.  I lost the ability to believe, to hope.

Today is a good day.  Jax is better, AJ will fly safe (or not), I will go get lunch, come home and turn up the heat, wait for AJ.  I am happy today.  It's all I got.

Ta

Then I added another email with:  FYI

I'm really not depressed more just whatever....and seriously amused by my pets, especially the little one!  

Surprisingly, I got an email back from Joan on my FYI email:

Yay, I'm happy for you. Have a great day.

THAT leaves me confused.  Not so much as a response to the FYI, but did the other email go thru?  Did she read the other email?  Are there any thoughts or comments on the other email?

Guess in the end, chalk it up to just another random thing in life with no real answer given.  And to be fair - I don't even know if there is any response able to be given to that other email.  So let me find that little Milo and be amused.

High Anxigzi

Other night with the snow and rain coming down, and we getting ready for bed... told AJ maybe he should go to the airport by taxi.  So he called them for pick up in the morning.  My anxiety was so high that day/night.  Next morning still up there.  I really struggled to keep it in line.  Even did that anxiety coping skill.

COPING SKILL SPOTLIGHT: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 GROUNDING TECHNIQUE

HOW TO DO IT:

This technique will take you through your five senses to help remind you of the present. This is a calming technique that can help you get through tough or stressful situations.

Take a deep belly breath to begin.

5 - LOOK: Look around for 5 things that you can see, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I see the computer, I see the cup, I see the picture frame.

4 - FEEL: Pay attention to your body and think of 4 things that you can feel, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I feel my feet warm in my socks, I feel the hair on the back of my neck, or I feel the pillow I am sitting on.

3 - LISTEN: Listen for 3 sounds. It could be the sound of traffic outside, the sound of typing or the sound of your tummy rumbling. Say the three things out loud.

2 - SMELL: Say two things you can smell. If you’re allowed to, it’s okay to move to another spot and sniff something. If you can’t smell anything at the moment or you can’t move, then name your 2 favorite smells.

1 - TASTE: Say one thing you can taste. It may be the toothpaste from brushing your teeth, or a mint from after lunch. If you can’t taste anything, then say your favorite thing to taste.

Take another deep belly breath to end.

I find that this skill is actually helpful.  Tho I don't do it exact - I just do one of each.  But then still - it's a focus on the present.  There is a sense of calm that comes over me.

AJ went with the taxi next day.  The weather was better, but roads were icy/snowy.  Half hour later I went with Jax and dropped him off at daycare.  Spent the day shopping in London.  Or more like wandering stores.  Found a few tops for AJ for Christmas, got my Moroccan oil for my hair - in the end that is really the only one I like the best.  Found a book call Unf*ck Yourself.  Humm sounds like something I need to do.  Basically get out of your emotions and live life.  Will see if it helps.  Was 50% off.

Funny thing was I past 3 - yes 3 - chocolate stores.  Every time I thought nope - not the type of chocolate I like (Laura Secord, Rocky Mountain, Lindt).  Was talking with AJ as he had gotten to his hotel - he laughed and said I guess you just need to go to the store and get the junk usual chocolates.  In a way, they are what I like best.  Simple bars.  Found a few things - bracelet and massager - for AJ to give to me for Christmas.  The massager is just a simple rolly type.

Picked up Jax.  He did well but still rumbled a bit in his chest.  I asked if he did that during the night if someone would be there.  Nope.  So in the end I cancelled leaving him there when we go to AJ's brother.  I figured I would just take Jax and go to my mom or sis.  Then as I drove I remembered the OTHER kennel.  Tail Waggin.  I called and spoke with Wendy - she said as long as he wasn't contiguous Jax was welcome to come - and yes, he would be with her during the night, so if he rumbled etc she would be there to talk with him.  Bingo!  I told her I would book him in.  And then asked about Christmas days.  Will book him in there then too.  Have to cancel Christmas at the other place.  I'd rather have Jax with someone there instead of just in a kennel during the night alone.  So glad I remembered them.

Anxiety did go down during the day.   Need to do the essential oils more too on the anxiety - at least remember to use them! 

Not Going

Jax just isn't himself.  He's better, but still rumbles.  I just couldn't go away.  I just couldn't leave him especially at night when he's worse.  And I just didn't want them to isolate him.  Isolating Jax would traumatize him.  So I told AJ this morning to get up and call MOD to see if they could fly him out tomorrow morning.  He decided if they couldn't fly him that he would stay home instead of challenging me to drive.  Thankfully they got a flight for him tomorrow.  I called and cancelled my doctor's appointment.  Asked if she could put me on a Telehealth appointment for January (as they don't have any in December available)  Then I called the kennel and changed overnight to just daycare.  I think Jax needs at least some time out playing with other dogs.  I think he's very bored and sad just being at home.  He does look at me, wag his tail, looks longingly at going out.  Sorry pup - it's pissing rain.  Not happening.  And he sighs, and goes to lay down again.

Tomorrow I said I'd drive AJ to the airport - even though now the weather will not be that great....  Drop Jax off at the daycare, and do a bit of shopping. 

Saw NP today.  As I said - my lungs are fine. No surprise at all.  Her comment was A) see my RA and if she thinks it is part of my RA issues and B) if it's not RA - live with it, figure out pain management.  AJ was with me.  NP was polite.  I think she knows I have an issue with her, and she does try to be polite to me, and I try to be polite with her too.  3 months more until my original NP will be back.  Asked NP if she would send me to an Endo - the one I found - Dr Joy.  She asked why - explained Diabetes, Thyroid and that the meds might be causing my chest pain, and someone needs to check it that knows more about thyroid issues, that my eyes and feet have issues, concerned about kidneys - all diabetic issues and she also is aware of autoimmune issues too.  NP said she'd send the request but if the doc didn't want to see me there wasn't anything she could do about that.  I said I appreciated it, and I'm fine if the doc doesn't want to see me.

I am still going to see the naturopath in December.  And I got some of the blood work that I know the naturopath will ask for.  

I feel disheartened.  I feel I just can not understand WHY I will not do what I know I need to do.  Eat plain, exercise, rest, mediate.........  I'm in pain and yet - what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't get myself to change.  Ended up crying in the doctor's office too when NP went to print off the bloodwork.  Tired too, think that kinda made it along with the stress of seeing her.  I'm just so tired of not doing what I know I should be doing, what I could be doing to help myself, to heal myself, to make my life/health/living easier.  Why am I driven to continue this on this path at not making the lasting change.  I can do it for a while, and then I wake up and boom - I stop.

Sat looking out the window this afternoon and cried again - told AJ I just don't understand how to make me do a change.  I just don't have it in me to fight it to succeed.  To work at it no matter what.  To give up everything for the goal.  And how can we move if I can't do the outside / inside work that needs to be done?  Yes, we can sell the house, but we'd still have to buy another place to live..... and that would be just as much or more expensive.  Sometimes I just feel hopeless..........

Ah ?

Don't have much to say today.  Jax is FINALLY starting to be better.  Changed Benadryl to Reactine which appears to have helped his reverse sneezing.  I called the vet and they said to give him the antibiotic with a lot more food then just a few cookies.  So I gave him this morning's with breakfast.  He hasn't did the nausea swallow all day.  He also stayed upstairs on the couch instead of coming down here with me.  He's down here now.  I'm guessing as is AJ, that Jax is so bored of being in the house not doing anything for a week that looking out the window is more interesting then being with Mama.  ha ha ha.  Don't blame him.

Rained all day so the snow is gone.  But this week it calls for snow again the day we have to go to Toronto and back.  Ugh.  I hope it will be ok drive.  In a way I still don't want to go to Toronto.  Even if it's to see my RA doctor that I like.  Not much happening with the RA - hurts but manageable.  This week haven't done much keto, and notice it with my joints.  

I'm thinking of going not only to the naturopath, but asking the NP Gabriele to send me to an Endocrinologist.   Found one in London that deals with diabetes, lipids, and thyroid. Going to see NP on Monday to get the results of my pulmonary test.  I'm guessing it will be fine.  So my comment will be to send me to this Endo to see if it's my thyroid meds etc.

Talia got approved for that meds to help with the weight.  I still kinda wanta try but reality is  - I don't overly struggle with binge eating anymore.  It's more bored, tired, spacey eating.  So if I'm in that state - even if I'm not hungry, I'd still eat - so that doesn't help as the injection is to help you feel full.  Catch 22 idea.  I still suspect somewhere along the keto / low carb line is best for me.  I just need the right combo balance.  Or just suck it up and stop eating.  Seriously!

AJ said when we go to his brother's AJ needs to sleep on the one specific side of the bed.  I looked at him and said that's not new, even in hotels you sleep close to the bed.  AJ was laughing and trying to explain because of his stroke arm needed to be on the bed.  I laughed and said not new.  Then later sent him a cartoon I saw.

I guess I usually sleep on the right.

Oh - when I went to my sis's I went into Chapters and got a Keto magazine.  Read the magazine - thought it was very good.

Lastly, a bit amusingly - 

Bit

First - Happy Thanksgiving Day to those in USA.

Jax is doing much better.  I gave him two doses of the Oxyi cough syrup and bomb - he's doing better.  Giving him the Benadryl for the reverse sneezing too.  I'm getting my puppy back - all bouncy and happy.  He will be ready for daycare next week.  And for overnight as we are going to AJ's brother's for poker night.  AJ will enjoy playing poker with the family.

I got a response back from Joan.


Hi Beautiful,

I'm so happy your feeling a bit better.

Good idea to listen to some heart chakra music.  Do you feel the oils are helping a bit?  I feel your block in your heart chakra is a bit around feeling betrayed.  You have shut down a bit of your heart connection because of how you feel about the worth of yourself.

You have worked on this and have made some progress and you should feel very grateful for all the progress you have made. But there still is a little bit of a block there.  There is still a bit of anger and shame.  Also these emotions are blocking a bit of your second chakra.

I feel every day you are releasing a little bit more of these blocks.  Try to feel you are perfect the way you are.  Keep telling yourself everyday how perfect you are.  

If you could journel about how you feel everyday and how you would like to feel everyday.  It will be helpful.  Try to feel very happy around how you want to feel.  Keep listening to the heart chakra music, it will help.  You have released alot of this, so you know what your doing.

You just have a little bit more to release.  You can do this.  Try to keep saying  Please forgive me, I'm sorry, I love you, every day too.  Its very helpful.  All this releasing just takes a bit of time.  But you are so worth working on it.  Be so proud and grateful for all the relasing you have acomplished.  I can see your beautiful light shinning.  Keep working at it.

Hugs,

Joan

I find the 'bit' stuff funny.  I can't decide if she's making fun of the 'bit' or if she's wanting me to notice how much 'bit' I think it is and it's actually more then a 'bit'.  Or that I do just need to do a bit more work.

When I think on betrayal, it does bring up anger and shame.  Not sure if it's a bit more to deal with or more then a bit to deal with.  

I also used some Living Light essences that I still have, and that night I remember that I woke just as I was going to deal with something that I had had a long standing problem with.  It wasn't going to be easy, and I had to be careful not to let them (?) know I was going to change it.  I felt like I had gathered enough strength and courage to try and change/ get thru / remove '''it'''.  Woke just as I was going to start.  Damn.

*********

I used the Onguard and EasyAir oils the other night - got some from Cate.  They helped Jax and us sleep better.  Ordered some for myself so that I could continue to use them.

*******

I finally decided on a naturopath to see.  Dr Christy.  I called to make an appointment.  They had one available next week - but alas I have an appointment that day which I couldn't really change.  Next one - December 20th!!!!!!!  Took it of course and asked to be put on the cancellation list.   Dr C - as I read thru her website - deals with bio-identical hormones which was something that I was thinking on for a while.  And as I continued to read around her site I found her take on diet/foods.  It looks like she's into gluten free, paleo, natural foods which was ok with me.  Then I found a paragraph where she mentions people needing to lose weight and going on a ketoganic diet.  PERFECT!  Right up the alley I was thinking on.  I spoke with the receptionist about it and she said that the doctor would basically go that route if it was something that was best for the person as not everyone works well on Keto.  Which is where I am thinking I am.  I'm not exactly sure what the macros are that would be best for me and need someone who is better at it to help me figure out what I need to heal and lose weight permanently.  Looking forward to that appointment.

It's lunchtime and I'm so ready for it!
Ta

Alternative

Went to Dr Galina yesterday with Jax.  

Apparently he vomited into his lungs which is one reason he's having trouble with the coughing - coughs a lot and violently.  She gave me 5 more antibiotics for him.  Changed the codeine to another med, and suggested that because he also has reverse sneezing involved to give him some Benadryl pills.  I didn't have to use the cough medicine unless I wanted and because it's a narcotic I didn't give him any.  It appears the Benadryl  pill is helping a bit on the cough side too.  Even tho he did cough some last night - he slept more.  He's still struggling with the choking/cough somewhat.  She said that gentle cupping will help and showed me better how to do it.

AJ had pinched a nerve in his elbow the other day.  So he was out of order too.  He's doing better - at least he can now lift up a cup of coffee / tea.  

Princess's scaring is healing - she's back on her meds too.

My little Milo..... he's a busy little bundle of energy!  I love him.  He's so cute.  Decided with him I don't think I will put up a Christmas Tree this year - he will be all over it!

That leaves just me.  I'm doing well overall.  Not much sleep, some burning - but I really, really don't want to do a MTX shot.  Going to see the RA doc next week.  I find the foods are helping to keep the pain down - if I'm on the keto side.  I found Tim's waffle breakfast yesterday.....  Ok, enough of that, back to Keto.  I also decided to go see a naturopath.  Found one that does bio-hormones and as I was reading her info she also will do keto.  Exactly the one I'm looking for!  She's off today - so I will call for an appointment tomorrow.  AJ asked what I wanted for Christmas - I said really, just pay for the appointment as that will help.  He said ok.

Weather is snowing today.  Looks like we will be getting snow for the next few days.  Ugh.  Haven't shoveled snow yet - hope it will melt quickly.  So far it has melted.

Not much else happening today.

Ta

Sleep PLEEEEEASE!

Ugh. Jax is still snorting and choking at night.  I seriously wonder if the meds are helping him.  I don't see the codeine really doing much.  He has that mucus crap in his throat / lungs and rumbles.  I get it takes time.  I just wish there was something else I can do for him.  

I've got the diffuser going with oils (safe for dogs).  Last night I was up running a hot shower for him - the steam not the water was what he needed.  I really didn't notice that it helped him breathe easier though.  He does get a few minutes every hour that he sleeps - so that I get a bit of sleep... and then he starts snorting and choking again.  I've tried cupping, but it's tricky on such a little guy.

Can't figure if head up or head down will be easier for him.  Currently he's beside AJ with his head off the couch - and I'm on the other end of the couch - I can still hear him rumbling breathing.  

I think I will call the naturopath vet tomorrow and see about bringing him in.  The regular vet, which I called yesterday, sounded like he thought I was hyper about him when I asked if there was anything else I could do for Jax.  I understand the meds need to work, but if it was me or AJ, I'd offer hot tea, warm pillow, cupping chest (doing that one), etc.  I just couldn't think of anything that would clear a bit of the phlegm in him and let him rest better.  Vet just kept saying it takes time.  Duh.  I am grateful to him for seeing Jax asap last week, and I will keep him on file, but I think I will continue with the alternative vet overall.  And the one that we started with instead of the more expensive one.

And there he goes....  Started snorting and choking.... and wanted Mama.  Crawled over AJ to get to me.  Gave him some cupping.  I have a ..oh what are they called now?  that thing you put in the micro, heat and put on - heating pad like.  He's not sure about it, but it sitting here with me tho.  No, I didn't super heat it.  And moving it around.  Don't know if that will help him.

At least he is eating.

Anyway.  That means I don't sleep much either.  I'm tired.

My chest is a bit better lately with the foods I've been eating I think.  When I go outside tho the cold stings it.  So that's an issue still.  I'm working at healing myself. 

I thought about that chest blob Diane mentioned.  I wonder if it's to do with estrogen weight loss issues.  Basically losing weight brings up emotions trapped in the 'fat cells'.  Don't know if that's true or not.  Apparently too fat cells will have estrogen in them in women.  Don't know if that's true or not either!

Then I wondered if it was about not caring about others in the overall.  

Still no real answer yet.  No email from Joan either. 

He's panting and looking at me, heating pad has been off for a bit.  Man he better never get sick again!!!!!!!!!!!!

  

Split Sec

When I was driving home from my sis's the other day I was listening to some Karen Drucker songs.  One of her songs has that Marianne Williamson statement in it -

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"


I have always loved this quote of her's.  So when Karen was stating it - at the part of the let our own light shine - I saw for that so very split second the light of me.  

And then it was gone.

I know that light is in me.  I thought in the split second what would I be like if I let my complete light shine?  And ..... I can't explain the feeling - there are no words.  It was so fast in and out.

One of the other things I realized - driving to my sis's place - that I have a lot more strength in me then I have before.  It was like there was an awareness of how much more stronger I am inside.  Not that I've changed.  Just that I felt stronger inside.  Strange, but good.

Lastly, 
I went to see Diane to get that healing done.  Get that sword out.  Her take on the sword was more of 'it's like it's a taffy, sticky blob inside your chest'.  She got it moving.  As far as what it is / is about - she kept getting that I knew what it was.  Huh.  Ok.  Uh.... guess I have some work on that.  Going to use some essential oils, chimes to continue to move the ''taffy'', look for something in binuaral beats for getting answers / awareness.  And lastly email Joan.  Maybe she has some insights.

Settle Down!

Jax has a respiratory infection - viral bronchitis.   The other morning he was wandering around and then threw up a bit of his breakfast.  He would not settle down.  He kept getting up and choking and then going outside and laying in the snow.  By 11am I was really stressed.  I had called the Alternative vet - who wasn't there on Tuesdays.  Then I called the other vet here in town.  I explained about one vet, then going to the alternative, and now I need to bring him in asap as he's not well and in distress.  She said yes, bring him in.

Dr Kirby was nice.  This office vet apparently works with the other other alternative vet.  That was the one that was more expensive so we didn't go.  Dr K examined Jax and explained he thought, via the videos we took, that Jax had an infection.  He gave him a needle, and some codeine, and some antibiotics.  Said no park, no daycare, no outside walks for about 10 days.  

I liked this vet.  I liked that I could connect it with an alternative clinic.  We will continue to go here instead.

Jax continued to wander around for hours.  By 3pm I started telling him to go sleepy sleeps - just so he would stay still and lay down.  Poor puppy just didn't/doesn't feel well.  Can't find the comfort spot kept turning over and around.  Today a bit better, he's settled more.  Not eating, just a bit of chicken water here and there.  And pills.

I was anxious over him of course.  Especially when he really started wandering and throwing up a lot.  I was so worried.  

Emailed Tail Waggin as he's to go next week on day 9. (of 10 days rest) to see if they want him or to re-schedule.  After a bit of back and forth decided to move Nov 22 to Dec 4.  I want to make sure he's not contiguous anymore.  

So much for going to the States.   Not that we really had to go.  I've go enough teas at home.

*********

Was talking with Talia today too.  She seemed a bit down.  Didn't have her chirpy voice.  I wonder what is really going on with her.  She didn't say much about it.  She talked about being upset about her weight - sounds like she's weighing about the same as me.  She went to a naturopath that basically told her - she's getting old.  Well that's not nice.  Sounds like that NP we currently have too.  Young ones think telling someone they are old has no affect and that the young ones sound like it's not a big deal - you're getting fat because your not moving too much / eating too much / you're sex life sucks - oh well, you're old.  They just don't get it.  Yes, we are getting old, but seriously, don't need to be blunt and uncaring - just wait until you are there!  This naturopath suggested an injection drug - Saxenda.  Apparently it helps with weight loss when you exercise more and eat less.

Humm... looked at it.  I don't think I care for it.  She's hoping it will help her.  I hope it will then.  For me, funny enough, I'm still good with doing keto.  Goal this week is to stop having evening snack after dinner.  Bit challenging last night... AJ reminded me about immediate vs long term mind thinking.  Ah yes, that thing.  So I drank some water.  Was fine.

Huh?

I'm home from a busy card making day yesterday (made 40 cards, sis helped and made 11) and a long drive home.  Worrying about Jax!!!!  Apparently he didn't have a good night.  AJ got up and dressed at 3am as AJ didn't know if he'd have to bring him to the vet.  Jax was hyperventilating / choking and had thrown up.  AJ stroked him for 1 1/2 hours until they both fell back asleep.  He was better in the morning and ate his breakfast.   AJ said every noise he heard he'd get up to see if it was me coming home.  Makes me cry that he was so stressed and upset.  And cry that AJ cared so much he got dressed and figured out what to do - remember he can't drive etc with his stroke but he figured out how to help out our baby pup.

Jax was much better when I got home this afternoon.  He's sleeping now.  I did make an appointment with the new alternative vet for Thursday as his choking/breathing continues to be an issue.

I am so wiped and tired.  And I'm not going to take my MTX shot.  I just currently feel happier.  Will try to see how long I can do with keto and oils.  Speaking of keto... I did eat a lot of popcorn!  Funny, my sis had little chocolates out too - but it was the popcorn that I craved.  Basically ate the whole bowl myself.  

Sis was happy I was going to stay overnight.  Went well and I enjoyed her company too.  We seem lately to get along much better.  I hope that will continue.  I also don't talk to mom about my relationship with sis as it seems to me mom would create a riff between us - at least on my side.  I did see my mom.  I called and instead of going to her place, she said she'd come to my sis's after church.  Fair enough - she wanted to go to church.  Thought I could have left in time to go to church too, but anyways (thought that on the drive there).  She got to my sis's about 1/2hr before the card session started so we didn't talk very much.  My cousin and sis's friend were there.  Overall good time.

Took sis out for breakfast to a Keto place I found in Whitby.  Liked their food - was good.  Bought some to take home.  Popcorn aside, I'm still on the keto plan.  Will go there again when I'm at that side of town.

States is out for Thursday - going back to plan A which was going to the States next Thursday.  Hopefully the weather will agree with that plan.  Luckily the weather was good driving to sis and back.

Ok, at this point I'm going to start rambling around and not make much sense so...

Tootles!

What Do You See?

One of those face book quizzes.

Quiz


What animal do you see first  -







Answers:

Our personality is shaped by our experiences and genetics. Psychologists say that our earliest experiences often program our brain in a way that decides how we see people and the world around us. We see what makes the most sense to us unconsciously and we tend to filter out things that don't match our beliefs. What's the first animal that catches your eye in this picture?

1. An eagle

A regal creature meant to fly high, the eagle is sharp yet elegant. If you spotted an eagle first, you are focused and precise in your approach and you leave nothing to chance. You carry yourself with a noble confidence as you have no time for drama and other petty things of life. You are brave and unafraid to fly into the unknown alone. 

2. A butterfly

A butterfly represents the duality of life. The softest and gentlest of creatures known for its beauty, is also the one to have gone through the darkest of times within a cocoon. If this is the first one that grabbed your attention, much like a butterfly, you are charming on the outside but carry an indomitable spirit inside.

3. A dog

Dogs are humankind's best friend for a reason. Fiercely loyal, affectionate, and absolutely cuddle-worthy, dogs infuse cheer into the dullest of moments. If it's a dog you noticed first, you are a wise soul that knows what truly matters in life. You commit wholeheartedly to people and causes, and nothing can break your will once you make a decision. Yet, you know how to relax and have fun.

4. A mantis

A mantis is known for its exceptional praying skills. Its strengths are precision and patience. Because it can stay still for hours and attack at the exact moment, it doesn't engage in frivolous action. If the little green creature caught your eye first, you carry the determination and fierce will of the mantis. People might underestimate you based on your low profile, but when the moment arrives, you know you will come out as the winner.

5. A crab

Crabs are fascinating creatures with a complex personality. With exotic patterns and colors that cover their hard shell, they can camouflage themselves. But that's because life isn't easy for them. If this is the first creature you noticed, you are likely to be street smart and wise just like a crab. You put on a tough appearance because life has taught you many hard lessons, but within you are a soft soul that always looks out for loves ones. 

6. A wolf

A wolf is considered a spirit guide because of the wisdom it carries. Mysterious, bold, and intuitive, a wolf can safeguard others in the pack yet venture out alone in the dark woods. If this is the first animal you noticed, you often walk on the edge of life. You seek adventure and mystery. You refuse to follow social norms and rules. But when it comes to protecting a loved one, nobody can be as fierce and passionate as you.

7. A horse

Born to be free and wild, a horse values freedom above everything else. Being the dignified creatures that they are, they let their heart lead without much fuss. If this stately animal is the first one you noticed, you carry a wild spirit that is difficult to be reigned in. Yet, much like a horse, you are more than willing to help out and be supportive to people. You enjoy a good laugh with your close friends and spread cheer. If you have to choose between freedom and love, your heart puts your loved ones first before your own needs.

8. A rooster

A rooster is colorful, quirky, and quick. It uses its sharp mind to navigate tricky terrains on earth, and when it gets hard all it needs to do is fly above the petty annoyances. If the rooster caught your eye first, you are witty, smart, and skilled. People might be misled by your calm ways, but they are in for a surprise if they rub you the wrong side. You fight with no fear and aren't afraid to make some noise when something unfair happens. You are a natural leader who isn't afraid to speak your mind.

9. A dove

This messenger of peace is pure, beautiful, and gentle. But little is spoken about the exceptional strength these gorgeous birds carry, which enables them to migrate miles across the sky, sometimes even to neighboring countries. If a dove grabbed your attention first, you are likely to be a calm and dignified person on the outside, but carry a strength that can get you through the coldest of times. You are wise and invest your energy in building a family or community. You refuse to squabble or let small things upset you as you meant to sail smoothly through the blue sky.

Disclaimer : This article is for your entertainment / infotainment purposes.



I saw a butterfly first.

Rising Up

Doing better lately.  Decided to skip Sunday's MTX shot and hope for the best.  Besides I'm at my sis's that day.  Still haven't figured out if I'm going to stay over that night as I'm not crazy about night driving - especially on the 401 highway.

We've had a bit of snow - nothing that stays.  Flurries again today.  But today is jammie day so I'm not planning on going anywhere either.  Just reading.  Which I'm not in the mood for at the moment.  Did get some of my art work finished.  Have to photography them and download them for one of the Sunday's Krystal's Colours.  

I started a few days ago taking some DoTerra oils - Copiba and Zenodrine oils in water.  They are suppose to help the body.  Will see.  Again, might be why I'm feeling somewhat better.  Every time I think of stopping keto, as weight loss is not happening, I just don't want to.  So I continue with keto.  I do wonder if I could just stop dairy - maybe that will be of help.  I'm into cheese lately.  That and fat bombs.  Really don't need those I think.  And I should check my macro count.  Eh...one day I'll plan that goal..... just not in the mood.  I know not in the mood for much lately.  At least I'm more content and on the up side of things!

We are planning to go to the States for those teas.  Either this coming Thursday or next Thursday.  Guessing we will just go on our own and maybe stop off for lunch too.  Have Jax scheduled for next Thursday at Tail Waggin as this coming Thursday they are on holidays.  We could put him in the Merithot instead which is a option.  Have to see about the weather first.  At the end of the month he's overnight at the kennel as we are in Toronto.  Will be easier again with him overnight instead of trying to get home for pick up. 

My plastic is still a 'challenge' for me.  I did put some more cardboard up and plastic against it.  I wonder if it will last the winter.  Have to figure out something for next year's winter.  As it is - I am liking the protection when I go out the door.  Miss seeing the birds though.  Think I will try moving one feeder closer and across from the basement window so I can see it.  And the cats can too then.  ha ha ha.

Milo is adjusting well.  Knows to keep away from Princess, who is doing much better with the tolerating of him.  That little magician is so funny to watch.  And so soft.  I read sometimes in the paper that there are other older cats needing a home, and I feel sad about that as we could have taken one of them too.  But then what life would Milo have gotten?  I read on FB about a groomer - let's just say - basically killed the dog by the end of the day.  I feel sick.  I feel sick just remembering reading it.  I feel sick at the thought of what happened to that dog.  I feel sick and heartbroken for the owners.  I feel sick over all animals so cruelly hurt.  I struggle with these thoughts/memories.  Now those memories can disappear from my head!!!!!!!  I know it happens.  I just don't take it well.  I just feel too much about it.  And then I work at 'don't feel'.  

Ironically 'don't feel' happens in my life generally, but not as easily with cruelty / harm / etc.  It makes me not want to be here as I know if I get involved in something like that - to save them - the feelings/emotions would destroy me completely.  I almost did get involved years ago, was going to be an animal control officer.  Stopped that train.  I do help in donating money - it's about as close as I can get.  Why are people so cruel?  To animals, to each other?  Makes me feel in a way like a failure in life.  There is a part of me that says Stand up and deal with it then!  Go and fight!  My insides stand up, I swirl, get sick, and fall down.  What a failure. 

Let's move on from that before it brings me down and crying.

Tomorrow I'm off to see my mom and then to my sis's for card making.  Do look forward to making the cards.  Don't look forward to the driving.  I really want to come home that night and not stay over.  Just makes it easier all around.  Having trouble with sleeping lately.  End up often on my chair.  My chest is ok, generally, still have stinging sparks when I do things or go outside in the cold.  They are better last few days.  Huh.  Wonder if it's the oils?  Best keep taking them.

Tootles for now..

Empty Emails

Hi Joan

Just thought I'd touch base with you.  Not much happening.  Did have a few 'nervous? scary?' dreams a couple of nights ago.  Not much in them that I can remember.  Just woke thinking that was scary.

Other then that just feeling empty.  

Hope your trip went well.

hugs

Hello Beautiful,

I'm happy you emailed me, I have been thinking about you.  Many people are having unnerving dreams right now.  I feel they were to bring your attention to something.  Try to journal about what you remember from the dreams, what really stands out for you.

I'm feeling the emptiness your feeling has to do with your childhood abuse.  When this was happening to you, you had to kind of feel empty while this was happening to you, as to help you get through it all.  In the process of that you felt violated and took on a belief of

not belonging with your family.  I feel you felt this way when you were younger, almost like a inner void or feeling you were lacking in some way.  Your still feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing.  You feel a bit of not feeling seen, heard or understood.  

This is happening because your soul wants you to become whole again.  Its a little bit fractured from all that happened in your childhood.  Try to feel very proud of yourself because you have been working on this and it is helping you.  You soul is saying there is 

just a bit more for you to process and you are almost there.  Don't give up on yourself, your getting there, even if it feels like your not.

I see angels all around you.  Ask them to help you through this, to take the empty feeling away.  To let you know what you have to release to have this feeling go away.  

Try to journal about how your feeling every day, along with anything you can remember about your dreams.  Have compasion for yourself.  Know that anyone that goes through abuse, goes through simlar suituations that you are going through.  Its normal.  Honor 

your feelings daily.  As your journalling about how you feel, speak the emotions out in words.  Don't suppress any of your feelings.  

You have much wisdom to express, express it.  You want to try to not blame and have any resentment about the abuse.  I do realisze

this is much easier for me to say then to actually put into practise, but this is essential for you to try to do, to continue on the healing process.  Forgiveness is a big key here.  Again I know this is not easy.  This is sooo important.  Remember you signed a contract coming into this life time.  You knew this was going to happen to you, you set it up this way to recieve the healing you wanted to recieve in this life.  Try to perceive what happened as you asked them to do it, as a means to overcome your beliefs.  Just try a little 

each day.  You are the stronger person in this suitufation.  

I have so much faith in you, you can do this.  Expect a miracle to happen.  Its coming.  You have beautiful light around you, let it shine.

I will be sending love energy to you every day.  I love you beautiful and can see you healed from all this.  Love you enough to keep working on this.  You can do it.  Let me know how its going.  Even if you email me every day if it will help.  

Even through you have been working on your suppressed memory of this event, there is still a bit of memory of it in your unconcious mind.  This happened to you mad to any times when you were young, so it will take a bit of time for you to totally release all of this memory.

Your soul is bringing up all these memories in the way of making you feel empty inside because it wants you to work on yourself (like you have been doing and are getting very close to resolving all this from your memory) because it wants you to return back to your whole 

self.  Your soul wants you to be happy, love yourself 

Big hug,

Hello Joan;

Thank you for the email.

After reading it, I feel like I can't breathe.  I feel ?  Funny that you talk about not being a part of family.  I have looked since childhood to find SOMETHING that I would completely feel belonging to.  Hubby and pets are as close as I can get.  As a child I tried to contact to Vikings, to Germany/Germans (heritage) etc.  Later I tried with the church, and the community.  Then the AA etc groups - that lasted for a while, but couldn't hold it.  Tried friends - they would leave over time.  Then volunteering and caring about others/services etc.  Not.  Married to hubby and thought this is it!!  I tried to connect with his family - over time I realized that wasn't going to work - same as being a part of his heritage.  When he dies - I won't be contacted anymore to his family.  Not saying they won't care etc, but we don't socialize that much as it is with them, and once I'm on my own, won't be that much either.  I realize they 'grew up' together, I came in too late.  Then aimed to connect with Spirit world.... don't feel it, even if I am connected there - I don't feel it.  Even in this town - I'm not connected.  No where do I find or feel a deep loving connection.

Feeling not heard, seen or understood.  That is an understatement.  Even to my self at this point.  I'm just not connecting with myself anymore either.  Getting farther and farther from myself.  My soul might want to be whole again..... and I'm feeling it's getting lost instead.  I'm just not there or here that much anymore inside.  Everything that I've known to do, I don't connect with anymore, they don't bring comfort, or a sense of healing, or focus, or belief, or future goals.  

Miracles.  Makes me smile and laugh.  Not sure I believe in that anymore.  Not that I'm negative on it, just 'yeah, whatever'.  It's like when I'm dead my soul with go to 'all the answers' box and pull out the only answer that was ever in there and it will say to me - SERIOUSLY????!!!!!!!!!!!  I GAVE YOU EVERY CLUE, EVEN KNOCKED YOU ON THE HEAD AND YOU STILL COULDN'T GET THE ANSWER YOU AGREED TO LOOK FOR???????  YOU KNEW WHERE TO LOOK!  YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO!  WHY DIDN'T YOU????????????  HOW COULD YOU END UP BEING SO BLIND AND DENSE?  NOW YOU HAVE TO GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN, YOU FAILED, GET WITH IT NEXT TIME.

I don't even know where to look inside, outside, around me anymore.  And I just don't have it in me anymore to look.  It probably could stand right in front of me, jump into my hands, and I wouldn't even notice anymore.

As far as childhood abuse - I don't know if I even care anymore about it.  It happened, it's over, it's gone.  Besides I question memories on it since learning that a lot of memories are false anyway - per science reports I've been watching on.  And I don't even have the desire to go back there and drag around in them.  So resentments, guilt, anger... I don't want to have them or feel them about it either.  Those that I'm not aware of, probably are in the darkness, but it is SO TIME to let it all go.  I really don't want to muck around down there - just let it go.  I'd rather look forward.... ha ha ha..... that I don't even have feelings in that either.  But still, backwards is not where I want to look or go anymore.  My soul wants to bring up young memories.....sigh.  Sure, what do I care.  I'm just not going to look for them.

Dreams.  They amuse me.  Even the scary ones.  At least it's a feeling, and gives me something to think about.  Though I just can't seem to remember WHAT they were basically.  Just a bit like there was a snake.  My pup got attacked by a raccoon but I didn't bring it to the vet because I couldn't/had to do something else first.  (Isn't that awful?!)  And just simply waking up shocked.  Those are the three that I had, nothing lately.

As empty and vacant as I currently am, I am still so grateful for what is in my life and I do love my little family.  They, especially the new one, make me laugh and smile for that moment.  I just am unable to bring that moment feeling to other places.  Trying just stresses me and upsets me more then just enjoying that moment.

And in the end I am humbled that you continue to connect and are willing to assist me.  Thank you doesn't express it.  Your insights make me think and wonder.  It is appreciated and honestly thought on.

Blessings to you.  May Light continue to shine in you.

Try to journal on how you feel each day.  It will get better, this is just a down time.  Try to say I"m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, when ever you think of it.

Many blessings,

Joan