Jax just isn't himself. He's better, but still rumbles. I just couldn't go away. I just couldn't leave him especially at night when he's worse. And I just didn't want them to isolate him. Isolating Jax would traumatize him. So I told AJ this morning to get up and call MOD to see if they could fly him out tomorrow morning. He decided if they couldn't fly him that he would stay home instead of challenging me to drive. Thankfully they got a flight for him tomorrow. I called and cancelled my doctor's appointment. Asked if she could put me on a Telehealth appointment for January (as they don't have any in December available) Then I called the kennel and changed overnight to just daycare. I think Jax needs at least some time out playing with other dogs. I think he's very bored and sad just being at home. He does look at me, wag his tail, looks longingly at going out. Sorry pup - it's pissing rain. Not happening. And he sighs, and goes to lay down again.
Tomorrow I said I'd drive AJ to the airport - even though now the weather will not be that great.... Drop Jax off at the daycare, and do a bit of shopping.
Saw NP today. As I said - my lungs are fine. No surprise at all. Her comment was A) see my RA and if she thinks it is part of my RA issues and B) if it's not RA - live with it, figure out pain management. AJ was with me. NP was polite. I think she knows I have an issue with her, and she does try to be polite to me, and I try to be polite with her too. 3 months more until my original NP will be back. Asked NP if she would send me to an Endo - the one I found - Dr Joy. She asked why - explained Diabetes, Thyroid and that the meds might be causing my chest pain, and someone needs to check it that knows more about thyroid issues, that my eyes and feet have issues, concerned about kidneys - all diabetic issues and she also is aware of autoimmune issues too. NP said she'd send the request but if the doc didn't want to see me there wasn't anything she could do about that. I said I appreciated it, and I'm fine if the doc doesn't want to see me.
I am still going to see the naturopath in December. And I got some of the blood work that I know the naturopath will ask for.
I feel disheartened. I feel I just can not understand WHY I will not do what I know I need to do. Eat plain, exercise, rest, mediate......... I'm in pain and yet - what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't get myself to change. Ended up crying in the doctor's office too when NP went to print off the bloodwork. Tired too, think that kinda made it along with the stress of seeing her. I'm just so tired of not doing what I know I should be doing, what I could be doing to help myself, to heal myself, to make my life/health/living easier. Why am I driven to continue this on this path at not making the lasting change. I can do it for a while, and then I wake up and boom - I stop.
Sat looking out the window this afternoon and cried again - told AJ I just don't understand how to make me do a change. I just don't have it in me to fight it to succeed. To work at it no matter what. To give up everything for the goal. And how can we move if I can't do the outside / inside work that needs to be done? Yes, we can sell the house, but we'd still have to buy another place to live..... and that would be just as much or more expensive. Sometimes I just feel hopeless..........
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